03x02 - Tony's Sister and Jim

[bunniefuu]

( theme music playing )

Hey.

Here, get the air moving

around me in here
a little bit.

You want me
to fan you?

I don't think
so, Louie.

You see, I left
my palm leaf

back at the hut
this morning.

Go ahead.
Make it racial
right away.

( grunts )

Oh, guys.

ALEX:
Hi, Elaine.

Now, you know that I'm
not the kind of mother

who comes in with
boring stories about
her kids, right?

Yes, we've noticed that
about you, Elaine, yes.

And I can't tell you how
much we appreciate it.

That's the one thing I
like most about you,
Elaine, you know that?

BOBBY:
Yeah. Thanks a lot

for not doing
that, Elaine.

Oh, I forgot.

We're only allowed to talk
about hangovers and the Jets.

Hey, did you see
the Jet game this weekend?

No. I was hung over.

Latka, do you like
kid stories?

Oh, yes, I love them.

You know, when I was
five and a half

and I was just so high

and I was so cute,
you could eat me up alive.

Uh, you know, I had these big
cheeks then, you know...

And...
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait.

You're telling me a kid
story about yourself?

Yes, because you know,
I am a bachelor.

I am the only kid I've got.

Hey, Lou.

Hey, Ton.
Hey, Bobby.
Whatcha say?

Hey, did your sister
get moved in?

Yeah. She's coming
down here pretty soon.

Yeah, I can't wait
to meet her.

Oh, uh, Bobby, I'd
rather you wouldn't.

Why not?

Well, I mean,
if you had a sister

you wouldn't want a guy like you
to meet her, would ya?

( stammers )

Oh, yeah, I'll hang
around the back
till she leaves.

Hey, Alex, I talk to you?

Yeah, sure. What?

Remember when I read you
my sister's letters

and you said if she wasn't
married and from Spokane

you might want
to go out with her?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, you're in luck.

She's divorced, she's
moved in, and she's
free for lunch.

Uh, uh... Tony, Tony, look, I
don't think it's a great idea

for someone to date
a friend's sister, you know?

Especially an Italian
boxer friend's sister,

if you know what I mean.

Alex, I know what
you're afraid of.

But don't worry about it.
I mean, Monica's all grown up.

She's been married
and everything.

I doubt she's even
a virgin anymore.

So...
Yeah.

I want you to know I
thought about it and
it's okay with me

if you want to go
to bed with Monica.

Uh, Tony...

I better warn you,
this might lead to dinner.

Listen, Alex, I'm only
saying this because

I know you're a good guy.

You'd call her
the next day

stay friends,
stuff like that, right?

I'm beginning to get
a crush on myself here.

Well...
Eh, Tony, excuse me,

but could I please have
a cr*ck at your sister, too?

Don't be ridiculous,
Latka.

Why? I would call her
the next day

and stay friends with her
and all that, too.

Listen, who are you fooling?

I would marry the wench.

Could you come upstairs
for a second, Alex?

Mm-hmm.
So I could talk to you?

There's no privacy
down here.

Boy, what-what
does Alex have

that I don't have?

A big nose and a Green Card.

( speaking native language )

Excuse me.

Uh, could you help me?

I'm afraid
all I give is rubdowns.

I just wanted you to tell me
where my brother is.

Who's your brother?

Tony Banta.

Huh.

I don't allow no family
get-togethers in my garage.

Well, I just want to talk
to him for two minutes.

Give me a buck.

You must be Louie.

How do you know
who I am?

'Cause I only had three people
described to me.

One was good-looking,
one was smart, and one was you.

Well, meow.

Oh, I'm in luck--

a human being.

Excuse me,
excuse me.

Uh, could you tell
Tony Banta

that his sister's here?

Oh, you are Tony's sister?

Yeah.

Well, do you know

that you and I
are forbidden to love?

It's a shame,
it's a big shame.

Because we would have made
beautiful babies together.

I never thought I'd say this,
but don't go away.

Next.

Did I hear someone say...

you were from Spokane?

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I lived there
for five years.

Were you ever there?

No, no...

Uh, wait a minute.

I was born there.

Uh... ( clears throat )
I'm, uh...

Jim Ignatowski.

Uh, Monica Douglas.

Did, uh, you buy
that dress in Spokane?

Uh... yeah, I did.

It's been a long time

since I've seen a dress
from Spokane.

Smooth, Iggy.

Real smooth.

Excuse me.

Iggy.

She went thataway.

Much obliged.

What did you do in, uh, Spokane?

I, uh, played the flute
in the symphony there.

Really?

Yeah. I wouldn't
kid you.

The flute
is my favorite instrument.

Yeah?

Except for the gong.

Yeah?

You mean the gonnnnng?

Yeah.

You know it.

Yeah. Yeah, I like it, too.

I bet you play great.

Well...

Vivaldi
is my favorite.

Oh, yeah?

Uh-huh.

Uh...

( humming ):
* Dum, dum,
dah dah dah... *

* Dum...

* Duhh...
Yeah.

( humming Vivaldi's "Spring"
from The Four Seasons )

* Duhh...

* Da-da-da-da,
da da-da-dum *

* Duh-duh-duh-duh...

* Dum, dum...
* Dum dum dum
da, da, da *

* Dum dum dum da, da, da

* Dum dum dum
da-da-dum-dum... *

* Dum-dum...
* Dah!

* Dum-dum, da-da-dum
dum-dum-dum *

* Dum-dum...

* Dum-dum, da-da-dum
dum-dum-dum *

* Dum-da-da,
dum-da-da... *

LOUIE:
Excuse me.

Your attention,
everybody.

I didn't think
it would be necessary for me

to make this rule, but...

no Vivaldi in the garage.

Thank you.

One of these days

I got to get it together
and go to the symphony.

I'm pretty sure
New York has one.

New York has
a great symphony.
Ah?

I'd like to go, too.

Well, uh...

see...

if you think
you're going to go, maybe, uh...

maybe I could sort of tag along.

Well, you don't
have to tag along.

Maybe we could go together.

Huh...

I just got a rush.

Yo, Monica!

Tony! Tony!

Oh.

Hey, everybody,
my sister, Monica.

( clapping and cheering )

CABBIE:
Hi, there.
Family pride.

Hey, and this here's
Alex Rieger.
Ah...

And he's got something
to say to you.

Oh?
Hi.
Yeah. Uh...

Oh, yeah, let me
just say, first
that I can't take you

to lunch 'cause
something came up.

Oh, really?
That's too bad.

Well, it's a shame,
but it's okay,
because Alex here

has got something
he wants to say to ya.

Oh, yeah?

I was just going to a-as...

He would like to know
if you would like

to go to lunch with him
today, right, Alex?

You were?

TONY:
Sure, he was.
Well, I-I...

You really want to go

to lunch with me,
or are you just asking me

because my brother
asked you to ask me?

Huh?
No, no. I was...

TONY:
Uh, Monica,
come on, I mean,

that's insulting to Alex.

He's asking you 'cause
he wants to ask you.

Okay, okay, okay, great.
Let's go to lunch.

Well, are-are you sure
you want to do this, Monica?

I mean...
Well, uh...

She's sure.
She's sure.
Uh-huh?

Why is everybody
checking everything?
Okay, okay. Let's go.

Sure.
Have a good time.

( chuckles ):
Okay.
Okay.

Why you all over me for?

Uh, am I here?
I'm sorry.

MONICA:
Yeah?

( giggles )

So, not a bad sublet, huh?

Hey, how much
you paying?

$500.

How many bedrooms?

No bedrooms.
It's a studio.

Air conditioned?

No.

They include utilities?

Uh-uh.
So what do
you think?

You sign the lease already?

Yeah.
I love it.

So, uh, how did it go with Alex?

Fine. Hey.

Ooh, you still got
that great arm.

So, uh, tell me
about your date.

Bet he took you someplace
classy, just like Alex would.

Oh, we went
to a little hamburger place.

Just like Alex.

He never
puts on airs.

So, uh, what did
you guys talk about?

Well, actually, we didn't
talk all that much.

In fact, at one point

Alex said, "I can't
get a pause in edgewise."

Ah. Ah!

What an icebreaker.

So, so when are you guys
going to see each other again?

I don't know. I mean,
he's a nice guy

and everything, but he's
not my type, you know?

Your husband
was your type.

Tony, don't start.

An Electrolux salesman
with every allergy in the book

who painted turtles
for relaxation.

You know, you always
make so much

of that one time
he painted the turtle.

Hey, Monica, listen.

Come here.

You've been divorced
about a year

and you moved
back into town.

You and I, we got a chance
to start off fresh.

Yeah.
So let's start.

Man, you're my sister
and I love you.

Okay.

And you're my brother
and I love you.

Now you're going
to say something

that's going
to drive me crazy, right?

We all got our faults.
I'm messy around the house.

You fall for garbage.

Trust me enough to try
to get interested in Alex.

No, no, not Alex.

But I tell ya, there was
one guy in the garage

who I thought was really sweet.

Alex is the sweetest.

No.

I'm talking
about Jim Ignatowski.

Monica.

Monica!

Not him.
The man's Silly Putty.

The last girl Jim went out with
lived in a forest and ate bark.

Trust me to know
you're attracted to losers.

And Alex ain't no loser,
and I set it up.

And he likes you.
And hey, listen,

let me tell you,
I was worried about that,

because he don't
like just anybody.

Oh, yeah?
( telephone rings )

Hello?

Oh, hi.

Yeah, we were just
talking about you.

( sighs )
Yeah, yeah.

I'd love to.

Oh, it doesn't
make any difference.

We could eat before
or after the symphony.

I'm going to straighten
your life out if it kills me.

Oh, well, listen,
if it's a problem for you,

you know, we could go Dutch.

No, it doesn't have anything
to do with wooden shoes.

Ignatowski!

Excuse me.

If a, uh, Mr. Ignatowski
shows up looking for me,

could you please
give him this note?

Very good, Mademoiselle.

Thank you.

Oh, there he is.

I believe
this is for you, sir.

Is this the bill
already?

No, no, no, no, no, no.
It's-it's from the lady.

"Couldn't wait
any longer.

Sorry I missed
you. Monica."

Uh...

I'm sorry, too.

Guess I'll see you
some other time.

Where are you going?

We can't have dinner together.

Why not?

I don't know.
You didn't go into it.

No.

I, uh, see, I wrote this note
when I thought

that you weren't
coming here.
Ah...

But, uh... it's, uh...
it's-it's okay.

Uh... can we take
our table back?

WAITER:
Sit down, Mademoiselle.
Thank you very much.

Right here.

Oh, thank you very much.

( clearing throat )

So why were you late?

Well, ( clears throat )

I, uh, got a note
from Tony

to wait until he brought
his cab back in.

I never got
so much mail in my life.

I can't believe it.

I-I... what did he say?

He was pretty emotional

about us not
seeing each other

after tonight.

I told him not to worry.

It's not like we're
starting a big romance.

Would you like to order
a drink before dinner?

Uh, bring us
your best Chablis.

A glass or a bottle?

I don't want a glass.

How about you?

Please.

Please.

Uh, slow us down
a little, but...

so what?

Ooh.

Oh, I'm sorry,
I forgot to shave.

That's all right.

My face grows hair very fast.

I shave, and it seems like
only a matter of days

before it's back.

It's been a long time

since I've had
to be interesting.

Well, you're
doing fine.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Well, you know...

I don't have much hair
on my body at all.

I mean, uh...

compared to my face

my skin is like
a smooth baby pumpkin.

Uh...

I didn't mean to talk erotic.

Would you like to order now?

Uh...

Can I take the liberty

of... of ordering for us?

Okay.

Uh...

nous voudrions la foie gras
de canard en terrine.

Et, encore

le civet de lapin
pour deux personnes.

Du lapin.

Excellent, Monsieur.

Excellent.
Merci beaucoup.

Boy, you speak French.

No.

Huh...

No, I just learned
what I should order.

Took me all day.

You mean, you did that for me?

That was the easy part.

The hard part
was phoning all over town

trying to find a restaurant
that serves that.

Boy.

Boy, what a guy.

Come on.

No, no, what a guy.

Oh.

You're turning my head.

Oh.

Could I, uh...

see you again soon?

When?

Later tonight?

Okay.

Uh...

listen, I wasn't
going to say this

unless we hit it off--

you know,
really liked each other.

Yeah?

Let's not tell Tony

that we're going to keep
on seeing each other, okay?

You really like me that much?

More.

Don't tell anyone else
in the whole garage.

Wow.

( laughing )

Yeah.

I got to tell you
something.

You make me happy.

I mean, even after
I first met you

and I was alone in my apartment
lining the shelves,

I'd think of you and I'd smile.
Oh...

When I think of me,
I smile, too.

( clears throat )

We're both thinking of me.

Hey, Jim.

What? Huh?

Hey, listen, uh,
something's been bothering me

the last couple of weeks.

I probably should have
said something sooner, but...

Hey, I'm real sorry
I had to stop you
from seeing Monica.

Oh, that's okay.
Nah. Listen,

it's nothing personal
but sometimes you just

got to do what your
head tells you.

So look, I don't blame
you for being sore.

You got every right,
so if you want to,

you plant one right
here, go ahead.

Go on, don't
worry about it.

Plant one right
there, go ahead.

Thanks, Tony.

I do feel a little better.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I got to go see Monica.

Oops.

Ah, Tony, Tony, now,
look, now look, now,

I-I-I know it's none
of my business,

but I don't think
you should interfere.

Now come on, let's go
to Mario's and have a beer.

Come on, I'll
buy, all right?

No, no, no.
I ain't going to Mario's.

All you want to do
is talk some sense into me.

I'm going over to my
sister's while I

still got a full head of steam.
All right,
all right,

okay, okay,
keep your full head.

But let me make
one point here.

Now it's very clear
to an outside observer

that Monica doesn't
have a problem.

Jim doesn't have
a problem.

You're the one
with the problem.

Oh, yeah, Alex?
Yeah.

Let me tell you something.

I blame you
for this whole thing.

What do you mean
you blame me?

If you had more on the ball,
she'd have gone for you.

What are you
talking about?
Huh, I know what you did.

You tried some of that
dry humor on her--

the stuff that nobody laughs,
they just say, "ooh, clever."

Yeah...

Tony, Tony... To...
we're crossing a line

we don't want
to cross here.

Remember, we're friends.

Friends, Alex? We're friends?

You don't think enough of me
to go to bed with my sister.

( flute playing )

( blowing jug )

Best time of my life.

( knocking at door )

( door slams )

I knocked, but I guess
you couldn't hear.

All right, Jim, hit the road.

I told you to stop
seeing my sister.

Now, I want
you to l...
Just wait a minute here.

You can't come in here
and tell a guest

of mine in my
house to leave.

Yeah? Well, I ain't
leaving till he leaves.

Okay, Tony, but you better
make yourself comfortable

because I sleep over.

Good, Jim. Good.

Of course,
we have a lot of room here.

We'll need
a bathroom
schedule.

You're out, buddy!
You're out.

Tony, w-what
are you doing?

Put him down!

It's Chicago '68
all over again.

I can't stand it
anymore, Monica.

That's no reason to start
acting like a tough guy.

Look at him, Monica.

He's a burnt-out loser.

You know that for a fact?

Come on, you don't even know

what Washington D.C. stands for.

District of Columbia.

See?

Oh, Tony.

Come on, I wouldn't even be here
if it wasn't for you two guys.

You told me one thing
and you did something else.
Aw...

Monica, I get... it
ain't right, Monica!

Tony...

I'm tired of this, Monica.

I can't take it.

Can I have a private
word with you?

Tony, do you know how ridiculous
you look right now?

Doesn't he look
ridiculous, Monica?

Absolutely. Not only are you
making a fool of yourself

but your arms are starting
to get tired, right?

Huh? You know, you've
been doing this your
whole life, Tony--

getting yourself
into tight spots

then finding out you were wrong

when it was too late
to know what to do.

So what are you
going to do now, huh?

I don't know.

Do you know, Jim?

Hey, he got himself
into this mess.

Let him get himself out of it.

Hey, you all right?

Well, ( clears throat )

...my shorts are
riding a little high.

Otherwise...

You know, Tony,

I knew someone
like you once.

Is that all you're
going to say, Jim?

I think I made my point.

You understood that, right?

Yeah.

You two on anything?

Yeah, Tony.

We're on threads of hope,
trying to weave us a basket.

I suppose you
got that one, too, huh?

No, I bat
about .500.

That's all right, honey.

I don't get 'em all, either.

Alex says everyone's
making sense but me.

I'm sorry I busted in.

Wow. Listen
to that.

He never does that.

He never apologized.

Well, we're really
maturing here, aren't we?

Huh? Huh?

I really am sorry.

He did it again.

Well, you
get to stay

for dinner
for that one.

I'm really sorry, Jim.

Isn't this
wonderful?

What have we all learned
from this?

Tony's learned he can't pick

who his sister
is going to fall for.

Monica's learned
she can't pick

who she's going
to fall for.

And I think I've learned
the most important thing of all:

I love being lifted.

( flute playing )

( jug blowing )

( theme music playing )

WOMAN:
Night, Mr. Walters.

( grunts )