03x11 - Elaine's Old Friend

[bunniefuu]

( theme music playing )

( slurred ):
Loneliness, loneliness,
loneliness-- hmm!

Miss Taxi Cab Driver,

do you know where I spent
my afternoon?

In a bar?

I was in a bar.

And do you... do you know
what I was doing?

Drinking.

I was drinking.

You know... you know
what I was thinking about?

Loneliness?

You too, huh?

( laughing )

( tires screeching )

Here we are.

Uh, $7.50.

Here. Just keep the change.

Oh, thank you.

Are you sure

you can find
your plane?

Listen, if I'm late,
they're going to wait for me.

Whew.

Park and 63rd, please.

Okay.

Oh...

Excuse me, but, uh,

does this
bring back any memories?

Gimme an E!
Gimme an E!

Gimme an A-S-T!

BOTH:
Gimme an S! Gimme an S!

Gimme an I-D-E!

East Side, East Side!
Go, team, go!

Yay!

Never heard of it.

( screeching )

( screeching )

Elaine O'Connor.

Mary Parker.

I don't believe this.

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

It's amazing!

After all these years.

You know, I have thought of you
now and then

trying to think
what you might be doing.

Oh, how close
did you come to this?

Not very.

I must say,
I was a little startled

to see our homecoming queen
driving a cab.

Uh, Mary, uh, I wasn't
the homecoming queen.

Oh, who was?

You were.

That's right.

Weren't you something, Elaine?

Oh, yes!

I was, uh,
head cheerleader.

Oh, that's right.

And the lead
in the senior class play.

Oh, that's right.
Mm-hmm.

I remember--
I wasn't able to be

in the senior class play

because I was
too busy dating.

( laughing )
( forced laughter )

Oh, Elaine, we've got a lot
of catching up to do.

Oh, yeah.
Tell me about yourself.

Oh, no, no, no.
You go first.

Okay. I, uh, own
a advertising agency.

Mm!

I own a co-op
in Manhattan.

I take a month or so
in Europe every year.

Oh, and I have
a steady fella.

He's an international lawyer

and we're really excited,
because right now,

we're planning a trip
for next spring to China.

( laughing ):
Oh!

Maybe I should have gone first.

Well, uh, besides this,

I am a receptionist at
an uptown art gallery...

Mm-hmm.

...and, uh, I'm
a divorced mother

of two beautiful
children...

Mm-hmm.

...and I, uh, uh...

That's it.

Well... regardless, you...
certainly look nice.

( laughing )

Uh, Mary, you don't have
to feel sorry for me.

Sorry for you?!

Because there's
no reason to.

Well, I know that.

Because I'm very happy.

Oh, you certainly
seem very happy.

Yes, well, I'm even
happier than I seem!

Happier!

Because, uh, you see,
I have a steady guy too.

Oh, great.
Yeah.

What's his name?

Uh... it's,
uh... Billboard.

Bill Board.

Bill Board.

( laughs )

Well, tell me
about him, Elaine.

What does he do?

Uh, he's a professor
at Columbia.

Oh?

Must be brilliant.

He is, and not
at all stuffy.

He's, uh, he's
charming and witty,

and, uh, he's also
the most romantic
man in the world.

Oh, he sounds wonderful.

He is.

Oh, I have an idea.

Why don't we all
get together

for dinner tomorrow night,
the four of us.

Oh-oh-oh, no, Mary.

Uh, we're all tied up
till the weekend.

Oh, I see, well,
perhaps another time.

We'll play it by ear.

Right. I would love
to meet your man.

Me too.

Hey, Elaine.
Hey.

Hey, Elaine,
how you doing?

Don't talk to me.

I hate everything today.

I mean, look at me.

I'm a mess.

Oh, yeah.

BOBBY:
I hardly
even know you.

You know, I was so depressed
when I woke up this morning,

that I barely made it in here.

I mean, I didn't feel
like doing anything.

I swear to God,
I didn't even floss.

( gasping )

Come on, Elaine,
we're just kidding.

ALEX:
Hey, come on, Elaine.

Now, what got you
so down, huh?

Oh, I don't know.

It all started last night

when I picked up
Mary Parker in my cab.

Who's Mary Parker?

Does she, have, uh...

frizzy blonde hair,
granny glasses

and smoke
French cigarettes?

No.

Well, if you run into
somebody like that,

I'd like to meet her.

Mary Parker is this girl
I went to high school with

you know, that I haven't
seen for a long time.

Well, she's beautiful,
she's rich, she's successful,

she's dating
this great guy.

So, here we were,

sitting in my cab-- right?
--talking about our lives,

and, uh, she has all this

and the most exciting thing
that's happened to me

is I bought this new cushion

that keeps me
from sticking to the seat.

Hey, you know, Elaine,
when you're a cab driver,

you know, it's a little natural

to occasionally run into someone
who's better off than you are.

ELAINE:
Yeah, well...

People you run over
are better off than you.

See, you don't understand.

What don't we under... What are
you talking about, Elaine?

See, this isn't just somebody.

I mean, this Mary and I

were real competitors
in high school.

Where can I get one of those?

One of those what?

One of those things

to keep you from
sticking to your seat.

I'll get you one, okay?

Thanks.

Anyway...

seeing Mary again
just reminded me that I...

that I once expected
more from myself, you know?

See... I never told
you guys this before,

but, in the yearbook,

I was voted
"Most Likely to Succeed."

You know, uh...

I was voted "Most Talented."

What obedience school
was that, Bobby?

While we're patting ourselves
on the backs here,

I had perfect attendance
my junior year

and I was elected president
of the biology club.

That's because
you could take your brains out

and pass 'em around the room.

Blue.

Blue?

I'd like a blue thing
to keep me from sticking.

It's my favorite color.

Right, Jim, right.

Blue.

Hey, Elaine, Elaine.

Come on, Elaine.

Look at me, look at me,
look at me.

Now, come on.
Cheer up, huh?

LATKA:
Now, wait a minute.

Just a minute.

There's only...
is one thing you need in life

and to make... make you happy,
and that is friends.

That's all you need is friends,
and then you be happy.

Right, Latka.

If you have friends,
you be happy... happy...

happy person.

You-you also need
the food and clothes.

You need,
you need food and clothes

and you need the friends
and the food and clothes,

then you be happy person.

ALEX:
Thank you.

And a nice car.

So, if you have

friends and the food and clothes
and the nice car,

it is all you need.

You don't need
anything else.

Except a home.

You need the home.

A nice house,
and when your friends

come over to visit you,

they might want to take a dip,
so you need the pool.

So, let's add this up:

You need the friends
and the food and clothes

and the car
and the house with the pool.

And a beautiful woman, uh,
who have a nice body

that make you, uh,
foam, foaming at the mouth.

And she will sit
by the pool

in the bathing suit.

That's all, you don't
need anything else.

You need the friends

the food and the clothes,
the car,

the house with the pool,
the beautiful woman

that make the... the foam
come out of the mouth...

You know, as long as you have
the house with the pool,

the car
and the beautiful woman...

the friends would only
get in the way.

Forget I said anything.

I don't know
what I'm talking about.

Elaine, Elaine...

See, see, I just can't
figure this out.

I mean, it
doesn't add up.

Why should all
this great stuff

happen to Mary Parker?

I mean, I'm
a nice person.

I work hard.
Where's my reward?

Elaine, Elaine,
you're not going to let this

get you down
like this, are you?

Oh, I'm trying not to,
Alex, but...

Well, the worst
part of it

is that Mary felt
sorry for me.

Oh, she... she tried to
deny it, but I know she did.

Well, I couldn't stand that,
so, uh, I started lying.

Lying?! What'd you
lie about?

Well, I couldn't
lie about my job,

so, uh... I lied

about having this
great steady guy.

Oh...

She kept pressuring
me to get together,

so she could meet him.

Ew... But I really,
really had to squirm

to get out of it.

Alex, I don't believe it.

I'm ashamed
of my own life.

( phone ringing )

Sunshine Cab Co.

Who? Yeah, she's here.

Who may I say is calling?

Oh. Hey, Elaine,
it's that Mary Parker.

You know, the woman whose life
is so much better than yours.

( perky ):
Hi!

Yeah. Uh, it was great
seeing you last night, too, Mar.

Oh, yeah, it's a shame, I know,

but we're all tied up
through the weekend.

Uh, next week? Uh, no.

Next week, we're going

out of town
for the whole week.

Oh, yeah,
and the week after...

Uh... Mary...

I have a little confession
to make. Um...

No, no, no,
just give me a chance

to say this

'cause it's kind of hard. I...

Hello, Mary, uh,
I'm sorry to interrupt.

I'd just like
to say hello.

Hello.
( laughing )

Oh, who am I? I'm Elaine's guy.

What do you say?
You want to get together?

How about Saturday night?

Fine. Great.

It will be a pleasure.

Okay. Can't wait
for it. Bye.

Hmm?

Alex, I appreciate
what you're trying to do

but you don't know
what you got yourself into.

Alex, that was great.

You really think so?

Yeah. Now...

if they can just
invent something

to keep me from sticking
to my shorts.

Bill Board?

Hey, you came this close
to being Karmen Ghia.

Look, the important thing
is that we just relax

and have a good time, right?

And that
we're not pitied.

Elaine, damn it.

I don't want to hear
any more talk like that.

Now, no one's going
to pity you tonight.

Okay.

You told your friend Mary

that you had a guy
that was crazy about you?

You're going to have a guy
who's crazy about you--

who will worship
the ground you walk on.

Okay. May I have
a glass of water?

What's the matter?
Your arm's broken?

All right, all right,
all right.

Hello.

Mary!

Hi. Mary,
this is Bill Board.

Hello.

Bill,
this is Mary Parker.

How do you do?
Hi, there.

And this is
Michael Edwards.

ELAINE:
Hello.

Elaine Nardo
and Bill Board.

How do you do?
Hi.

Why don't
you two sit down?

Yes, sure.

ELAINE:
You look lovely.

MARY:
OH, thank you.

MAITRE D':
Would you care

for cocktails?

Uh, martini up,
please.

MICHAEL:
That sounds good.

Bill, why don't you
order for us.

All right.

I think we'll start

with a bottle
of your finest champagne.

Yes, sir.

It's kind of an
anniversary for us.

It was nighttime
when we met.

Same.

That's sweet.

MICHAEL:
That's a very
unusual name-- Bill Board.

Yeah.

I'm sure you get
a lot of kidding.

Well, I don't have
as much trouble

as my two brothers:
Clip and Switch.

Madame, sir.

Our very finest.

Thank you.

Oh, remember, darling?

Thank you.

Well...
Well...

Here's to old friends.

And to new ones.

And to Elaine.

Good martini.

Not bad.

But you know
where they make

the best martinis
in the world?

This little bar in Hong Kong
called Cecil's.

Have you
ever been there?

No. We don't really
travel very much.

Oh, we do.

Well, you know, as
a matter of fact, uh,

we don't really need
to go places.

I mean, we have
our entire world

right here
in New York City.

I mean,
we have each other.

Well,
we don't travel

as much as we used to.

A cab driver
and a college professor.

How did you two meet?

How did we meet?

Well, uh...

Yes, well, you know,

actually, it's a very
interesting story.

Well, actually,
I was browsing

in the Metropolitan
Museum of Art one day

and, uh, I came upon

the most exquisite
work of art

I've ever seen
in my life.

I mean,
I couldn't take

my eyes off her.

I just stood there,
stunned.

By the time
I was able to speak,

well, it was too late.

She vanished.

So, I went home
and tried to forget her

but I just couldn't
get her out of my mind.

So I found myself,
the next Saturday afternoon,

right back there
at the museum.

I started spending
all of my spare time

in museums
all over the city,

just on the one chance
in a million

that I would get
to see her again.

How long
did this go on?

What?

How long
did this go on?

Oh, two, three years.

Three years?

Yeah. Time had lost
all meaning.

And then, one day--

I remember,
it was a Thursday--

I'd spent the entire day
at the museum

and I decided,
oh, well, that's it.

It had been a dream.

I imagined
the whole thing.

So I went out
to the street

and I remember
it was raining.

I hailed a cab.

And guess who
was driving that cab.

Me?

That's incredible.

So I finally got
the opportunity to say

what I'd been waiting
to say for three years--

that I couldn't live
without her.

That's lovely.

Oh, that's lovely.

So, uh, where did
you two meet?

We were sunbathing
on a beach

in the Mediterranean.

Cannes.

I don't think it
was Cannes, dear.

Where was it?

It was Nice. I've
never been to Cannes.

Well, dear, it doesn't
really matter.

It was a beach,
right?

Yes, dear, it
was a beach, but...

ALEX:
When Elaine and I met,

I'd become the
perfectly happy man

and she's the most
wonderful person

I've ever met in my life.

And, every day,

she makes me more
certain of that fact.

Would you like
to order now?

Yes.

I'd like one of him.

Bill?

Yes, darling?

Do you think you could
let go of my hand,

so I could cut my meat?

Oh.

Well, I guess
you have to eat.

I'll give it right back.

Promise?

Okay.

( chuckling )

We know we're silly,
but I don't know...

whenever we get together,

you know, we just have
this strange habit

of forgetting
everybody else in the room.

Uh, so, how do you get along
with Elaine's children, Bill?

Oh, I love her children.
I love them.

And Elaine
is a wonderful mother.

Surprise, surprise.

You know,
as a matter of fact,

one of my favorite
children's stories

is about Elaine's
son, Jason.

Do you mind, darling?

No. Not at all.

Okay.

Um, Elaine had told Jason

that God answers
all your prayers.

So, one night,
before he went to bed,

Jason prayed to God
and asked for a train set.

Well, the next day,
he came to Elaine

and he said he'd prayed
for a train set

and didn't get one.

And Elaine
was very worried.

And she said,
"I'm sorry, Jason,

that God didn't answer
your prayers."

And Jason said,

"Oh, but he did answer
my prayers, Mommy.

He just said no."

That was
two or three years ago.

I know, darling.

I didn't remember
that story.

How did you remember it?

I remember everything.

( slow dance music playing )

Oh, listen.

They're playing
our song.

May I have this dance?

Of course.

Would you excuse us?

Excuse us, please.

Would you care to dance?

Why don't we wait
until they play our song?

What is our song,
dear?

We don't have one.

Boy, we did it.
We did it.

We were wonderful,
Elaine, wonderful.

They bought it
hook, line, and sinker.

You know, I was
a little worried at first

that our act
wasn't convincing,

but boy, I'm telling you,
you were something else.

Okay, Alex.
Huh?

Come on.
What do you mean,
come on? What?

Come on, you can
admit that it was

a little more
than an act.

What are you talking about?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

What are you talking about?

You're not that good an actor.

What?!

Alex, it's okay.

You can confess
that you were a little moved.

( anxious laughter )

( laughs )

Elaine, I hate
to disillusion you,

but all that drivel I did
was for your sake,

and your sake only.

Drivel?!
Oh, Alex, be honest!

What?
Come on!

I saw that look
on your face.

I know that that look
means... you were excited.

Oh..!

Get out... You're crazy!

You were.

I was not!

Alex, you were.

Come on. How can you
stand there and pretend

that you didn't
feel anything?

How can you lie
like that?

Elaine, what are
you talking about?

You were crazy
about me.

I'm the most exquisite
work of art

you've ever seen
in your life!

Oh, that!
No, I'd say that to anybody!

Oh, Alex, come on.

I've been out with enough men

to know that no man
can get me...

excited like that
if he's just acting.

When we were kissing,

you weren't turned on?

I was playing a part.

Oh, here, I'll show you.

Here, I'll do it again.

See? Nothing.

Nothing?

Nothing.

( in squeaky voice: )
Nothing.

Oh, really?

( in squeaky voice: )
Nothing.

Well... I guess
I was wrong.

Good night, Alex.

( in squeaky voice: )
See you.

Good night.

( in squeaky voice: )
Well, I better go now.

It was nothing.

Nothing.

( theme music playing )

WOMAN:
Night, Mr. Walters.

( grunts )