03x13 - Zen and the Art of Cab Driving

[bunniefuu]

( theme music playing )

MAN:
Here's one.

Driver...

( engine starts )

Where to?

The Plaza Hotel.

The Plaza Hotel...

Hey, look, I know
you may be skeptical...

I know you may be
skeptical,

but by the end
of the day,

you're going
to be thanking me.

What's the matter?

The Plaza Hotel...

Is that in New York?

Uh, I think we should
get another cab.

No, no, no, stay
right where you are.

I'll fix you up.

Uh, G... 7.

Oh...

Oh, that's not far.

( clears throat )

I could drive you over.

Good.

All right.

Now, look,
I'm telling you,

this man is brilliant.

Every time I go
to one of his seminars,

I come out feeling high.

Really?

And when I say high,
I mean high--

higher than I've
ever been on a drug.

All the success I've had
in the last four years,

I attribute to him

and to his theory
of dynamic perfection.

Well, everything I've heard,
it sounds really great.

I'm telling you,
it is the secret

to organizing a business,
to b*ating your competitors,

to getting somewhere
in life--

to happiness.

Well, here we are,
gentlemen.

The airport.

( whistling )

You picked us up
at the airport.

I thought we got here
awfully fast.

Where was it
you wanted to go?

The Plaza Hotel.

Plaza Hotel...

G-7.
G-7.

ALEX:
Hi, Jim.

Boy, what a bunch
of losers.

( blows raspberry )

ALEX:
You talking
about us, Jim?

I'm talking about you,
I'm talking about me,

I'm talking about
all of us.

But I'm not going to be
a failure for long.

I found the secret:
dynamic perfectionism.

LOUIE:
Well...

I think the little Dutch boy
in Iggy's brain

just let the water go.

Hey, hey, Jim, what
are you talking about?

Well, I picked up a couple
of guys at the airport tonight

and finally got them into town.

And while I was driving along,

they were talking about this
dynamic perfectionism stuff.

I want to tell you,

I've learned what separates
successful people

from people like us.

Barbed wire, if they're smart.

So, uh, what's
the big secret, Jim?

Come on, tell us
what it is.

Simple.

Uh...

every one of us has
something in this world

that we want more
than anything else.

Everyone of us has a goal.

This should be good.

What's your goal, Jim?

Oh, no, no, no.

No, no, Tony,
I can't tell you.

Like the guy said tonight,

"Be a doer, not a talker."

Oh.
ELAINE:
Oh!

JIM:
The point is

you got to have a goal
and go for it.

I have a goal--
something I always wanted

and thought was impossible.

Being able to think
without moving your lips?

No, no, no.

That's not enough anymore.

My goal is something
much bigger than that.

So how do you go about
reaching this goal?

The way you go about getting it

is to do every little
thing in your life

the best you can.

If you do everything
perfectly,

eventually you'll
reach your goal.

Therefore, I'm going to do
everything perfectly.

I'm going to start at the bottom
and do as well as I possibly can

the most meaningless,
insignificant, mindless acts--

like my job,
for instance.

Boss?

How much does
a good cab driver make

in a night?

150 bucks.

What was my best night?

You once broke $12.

Oh.

Boss, I want to drive again.

I want to go right back
out there on those streets

and drive another shift--
a perfect shift.

I want to be
a perfect cab driver.

I want to be perfect.

Well, you're on the right track.

You've already made
a perfect ass of yourself.

All right!

Yeah, yes, officer.

It's Sunshine Cab Number 643.

The driver's name is Ignatowski

but he'll answer
to Waterhead...

uh... Mr. Halloween...

The Fog...

or hey, Scuzzo.

Yeah, thanks a lot,
all right, yeah.

Hey, Louie, what's wrong?

What's wrong?
I'll tell you what's wrong.

"Mr. Perfection" is
still out with that cab

so I reported him.

You mean Jim's still out there?

He's been driving
for almost 24 hours.

Hey, listen,
maybe some of us

ought to go out
and look for him.

That's a good idea.

Yeah, but where
would we start?

I mean, where
could he be?

Where would Jim
decide to go?

Why don't we try
thinking like Jim

for a minute, okay?

No, let's not
do that anymore.

It hurts.

Yeah.

Jim!

Howdy!

All right!

Jim, where you been?
Jim, where have you been?

I've been out there,
working towards my goal.

Ignatowski!

You're fired!

( group protesting )

Boss, maybe you should
look at my

trip sheet!

I don't have to look
at anything!

You are unemployed.
Out!

( group clamoring )

What, are you telling me
that I can't fire him?

I only kept him around this long

because he's
a conversation piece.

Hey, Jim, how come
you were gone so long?

I guess I was
concentrating so hard

on being a great cab driver,
I forgot about the time.

Well, that's that.

I guess I'll be moseying along.

Three hundred and
seventy-three dollars?

So long, everybody.

Ignatowski!

Yo, boss.

I love you.

A handshake would
have done it, boss.

Hi, I'd like to go to...

Oh, welcome aboard
Sunshine Cab

number 1-3-4.

My name's
Jim Ignatowski

and I'll be
your driver.

I'd like to go
to Carnegie Hall.

Carnegie Hall...

L-6.

Okeydoke.

Traffic today

between here and there

should be light
to moderate.

We're not expecting
any bad weather.

We're traveling now along
the Avenue of the Americas,

which was formerly known
as Sixth Avenue.

Us old-time New Yorkers
still like to refer to it

as Sixth Avenue.

Old habits die hard.

Speaking of old habits--

on your right, you'll
notice a group of nuns

going into
Radio City Music Hall.

It's... By the way, it's a bit
nippy out there today.

If you'd like
a nice hot cup of java,

there is some in
that thermos back there.

If you want a sandwich,
help yourself.

We got salami, sardine
and watercress.

This is the strangest
cab ride I've ever had.

Sir, if providing
comfort, service

and satisfaction to
my customers is strange

then you can
call me a freak.

Thank you.

You're a freak.

Thank you.

Well, here we are.

Watch your step
getting out

and thank you for
riding Sunshine Cabs.

Did I get you here fast enough?

Yeah, it was very quick.

In fact...

I'm a little early.

I wouldn't mind
a cup of coffee.

Why don't you take another trip
around the block.

You betcha.

If, uh, you'd like to
listen to a little music,

there's a stereo-headphone
set in the back.

Thank you.

We're featuring a Sinatra
retrospective this evening.

That would be very nice.

* If somebody needs you...

* It's no good
unless she needs you *

* All the way.

* Doobee doobee doobee
doo wa... *

Hey, here he comes.

ALL:
Hey... Jim!

LOUIE:
James!

Hi, boss!

James, my son.

Welcome home.

How'd it go?

Fine, fine, fine.

Yeah? So how much money
did you make, huh?

Approximately.
Come on, come on,
tell us.

Fifteen dollars.

Fifteen dollars?!

I was only kidding, boss.

Ah!

Oh!

That one's on you, boss!

Oh...

You lug, you.

What a guy,
what a witty guy.

I love this man.

Come on, so how much
did you make?
How much?

Come on, tell us.
Come on, give, give.

It's a new record.

( cheering )

I want everybody to know

that Mr. Mackenzie
called me personally,

not ten minutes ago,
to congratulate me

on having the hottest
shift in this garage,

and I got the
franchise right here

to thank for it.

BOBBY:
You know, Louie,

your love for Jim
is really touching.

Yeah, Iggy and me
are tight.

We're like
Roy and Trigger.

Hey, Jim, you're not falling
for this, are you?

Uh, I don't know.

Am I, boss?

There's nothing
to fall for, Iggy.

Wheeler's just jealous.

But the fact of the matter is

there's a structure
to cab driving.

It's like...
it's like a tree of life.

On the very
topmost branches

you have
the Ignatowskis.

Beneath them,

you have the Riegers
and the Nardos.

Below that,
you have your Bantas,

apes and gibbons.

Below that,
you have your lice,

your pond scum...
your Wheelers.

You can't get lower
than Wheelers.

What about me, Louie?

I stand corrected.

All right, enough chitchat.

I'm going to take these totals
right up there to Mr. Mackenzie.

Ace Iggy!

( Louie cackles )

Hey, Jim, congratulations.

I really mean it.

Yeah, what you're doing
is so incredible.

Hey, we are all really
proud of you, man.

Even me, Jim.

Well, it's sort of nice

being the best at something
in the world,

you know what I mean?

I'm sort of sorry to end it.

End it?! What do
you mean, end it?
What's wrong?

Well, I've got everything now
I need to obtain my goal.

You mean you're not going to be
a good cab driver anymore?

Oh, that was too much hard work.

I've always liked myself
the way I was.

There was just
one thing lacking

and now I've got it.

What is it?

Yeah, what is that?

I want you to come
to my house tomorrow

and I'll reveal my goal.

"I want you to come to
my house tomorrow night

and I'll reveal
my goal."

By the way,
do you spell your name

with one "O" or two?

One.

I'll get it right
next time, Booby.

And I got... got one here
for Latka.

Where's Latka?

Eh, here.

"Dress optional."

He must mean how we dress,
not if we dress, right?

No, I don't think so.

Why?

Yours is the only one
that says that.

( no audio )

Hey, come on, let's go
to Mario's, huh?

JIM:
Yeah, that's a good idea.

I'll buy you all
a drink.

ALL:
Hey!

Oh, how nice!

Hey, what the hell?

I'm rich.

I'll buy each of you a drink.

Even better!

( horn honking )

( knocking )

( knocking )

Hi, Jim.

Hi, everybody.

( clears throat )

Can I take your coats?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Thanks.

ALEX:
Yeah, thanks, Jim.

Here.

BOBBY:
Thanks a lot.

Make yourselves
comfortable.

Thank you.

What do you got under
the old blankets here, Jim?

All in good time, Tony.

Come on, we can't wait
to see your revelation.

Yeah, yeah, what's
the big secret? Come on.

There came a time in my life

when I sensed
a certain emptiness--

something missing.

And then I discovered
this miracle

to fill my life.

Because the truth of
the whole world is right here--

the beauty, the ugliness,
the folly, the glory, the joy,

the heartache,
the yin and the yang.

It's all right here
under this blanket.

Anybody care
to guess what it is?

Latka?

It is a
religious statue

of some
spiritual leader--

maybe one of
the prophets?

No, no, no, it's not that.

Oh, then it is booze.

Well... wrong again.

Come on, come on, Jim, the
suspense is k*lling us.

Yeah, we're dying to know!
Tell us.

I guess I've all kept you
waiting long enough.

ELAINE:
Yes.

It's...

Uh...

It's been under the blanket
so long, I forgot.

Now what are we going to do?

Well, why don't you
lift up the blanket

and we'll find out?

Good man, Booby.

Okay...

What in the
world...?

Television?

Television?!

You spent all your money
on television?

What am I-- nuts?

Oh, yeah, now I remember!

This isn't television,
this is television--

A home video center:

Wide-screen TV, video tapes,

video discs,
video computer games,

remote control!

I get channels from all over.

I get 24-hours news,
I get 24-hour sports.

I get sessions of congress.

I'm on home cinema,
I'm on cable.

I'm on satellite.

Jim?

Yes?

Do you mean to say
you've been busting your butt,

driving 12 hours a day,

breaking all kinds
of company records,

just to buy a television?

Hey, Jim, uh,
I don't know, you know?

I expected something more
important to come of this.

I mean, this was like
a religious thing to you.

Bobby, the whole world
comes through these screens.

I watch the great events
of this world.

Just this afternoon,

I was watching
the Delaware legislature

debating whether they
should call themselves

Delawarians
or Delawarites.

That's right.

( clears throat )

Personally, I'm rooting
for the Delawarians,

although the Delawarites
put up a good argument.

Delawinians didn't
stand a chance.

Well, uh, hey, you know,
boy, it's really getting late.

I'm going to go get a bite.

Yeah, I'll
go with you.

Yeah,
good idea.

You're going to be missing
a great water polo game.

Water polo?

Uh-huh.

You mean
horses swim?

They not only swim, they
hold their breath forever.

They play the whole game
and never come up for air.

Well, good night, Jim.

We'll see you
tomorrow.

Good night.
Thanks.

ALEX:
Yeah, Jim, thank you.
Good night.

Tony, would you catch the light
on the way out?

Sure, Jim.

( remote clicking )

( din of many TVs playing )

BOBBY:
That's Apocalypse Now.

Come sit.

Huh.

That's funny.

And that's Submarine Command
with William Bendix.

That's an Islander
home game, gee.

I got stations
from all over America.

Programs from
all over the world--

first-run movies,
sporting events...

and whenever I get
bored with something,

I just switch channels
with this little magic box.

ELAINE:
Wow!

Well, if you'll all excuse me,

I don't think I'm going to waste
my evening watching television.

I mean, Jim,
I'm very happy for you,

if this is really what you want.

But, you know,
there's a whole world out there,

and I think I'd rather be
out there talking to people,

you know, meeting people
and having real experiences,

instead of sitting here watching

a couple of images
on television,

trying to decide between
Delawarians and Delawarites.

OFFICIAL ( on TV ):
Attention.

Good night.

Here are the results
of the roll call vote.

From this day forward,

all citizens of
the fair State of Delaware

shall be officially known
as Delawarians.

What are they, nuts?

Delawarians?

OFFICIAL:
Attention, attention--

attention, Delawarians.

May I have your attention
again, please?

Now that that's settled,

we'll move on to
the next piece of business--

the Jeffers-Wagner Sewage Bill.

This is going
to be a dogfight.

Come on, man, put
on my hockey game.

( all arguing )

That's not hockey.

( classical music plays )

There we go.

( classical music, explosions,
voices )

Come on, Islanders,
let's go.

JIM:
Hey, Alex, you know the great
thing about television?

If something really important
happens anywhere in the world--

night or day--

you can always
change the channel.

( theme music playing )

WOMAN:
Night, Mr. Walters.

( grunts )