05x05 - Bidder Loser

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Impractical Jokers". Aired: December 15, 2011 –; present.*
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This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.
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05x05 - Bidder Loser

Post by bunniefuu »

Narrator: Coming up, Why is q getting down and dirty Oh, boy.



[ laughter ]

Narrator: What's got sal pulling joe's leg You got to pull both.

Murr:

[ laughing ]

look at his leg.



[ auctioneer calling ]

And which losing joker Is going once, going twice, punished?

[ laughter ]

Sal: Prepare for something amazing.



[ horn honks ]

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ laughter ]

Murr: I want my mommy!

[ laughter ]

Sal: I will never forgive you! Joe: Larry!

[ laughter ]

Today we're in the park, Asking strangers a very simple question.

Can you help me bury this? The catch is, we don't know what we're burying Because it's been planted by the other guys.

Can't get them to help you bury it, you lose.



[ laughs ]

all normal here.

I'm not gonna get this done in time if I do this by myself.

Who are you talking to?

[ chuckles ]

Oh, dip, take a sip

-- help me bury this real quick?

[ laughter ]

no? When you're done with that text, I just need a hand real quick.

Yeah.

Thank you, bud.

I got to bury this real quick.

Okay, cool.

Yeah, come on in.

Yeah, I'll show you.

You know, it's all Murr: It's 23 jockstraps.



[ laughter ]

It's, uh23 jockstraps.

I've been collecting them every year Since I played little league.

I finally retired, so I figured they needed a proper burial.

You know.

Thanks, bud.

Sal: He's helping him! This man is helping a stranger bury jockstraps.



[ laughing ]

no questions asked.

Did you ever play little league? Yeah, you played a little? Yeah.

Did you bury your cups or no?

[ laughter ]

Thanks, man.

Take care.

Onward and upward.

Thanks for helping me bury those 23 jockstraps.

I appreciate it.



[ laughter ]

You all right? You want to help me out? Oh, sorry.

One second.

Oh, you're on the phone.

Sorry.

I need help burying this real quick.

Yeah, you got to

-- Give me a sec.

Come on in.

I just got to

-- I got to bury this.

I got to bury these poison ivy seeds.



[ laughter ]

Why would you do that in a park? Joe: I want a patch of poison ivy to be right here.

Yeah, yeah, poison ivy.

There's not enough poison ivy in this neck of the woods.

I'm just trying

-- Yeah, we just got to put the mud over that, And the poison ivy will grow and then

-- Murr: No, no, no.

Don't do it.

Use your brain.

Come on! I appreciate it.

I know you were on the phone, man, But if we put up a poison-ivy bush, It'll keep all the kids from having fun.

Oh, no, I don't work here.

No, I do it as a hobby.

Yeah, I'm a botanist.



[ laughter ]

"I'm a botanist.

" Oh, just watch your right leg.

That's poison ivy I planted last year.



[ laughter ]

thanks, dude.

Take care.

Oh, and wash your hands, Because I just was handling poison ivy all day.



[ ding! ]

Ugh, god.

Back.

Hey, can you help me bury this for a sec? It'll just take like a minute at most.

For one second.

Good-samaritan guy.

Thank you so much.

Come on in.

Sal: Yeah! Terrific! I just need a quick hand burying

[ laughter ]

It's a full-size washing machine.



[ laughter ]

The story is this I can't wait to hear this.

I'm getting divorced, right, And I'll be damned If she takes the washing machine.



[ laughter ]

So what I've been doing is, for the past month, I've been strategically burying all the appliances Around the public park.

I got the microwave buried by the spruce over there, And I've got the dishwasher in center field.

She wants appliances? She's not getting mine.



[ laughter ]

But you're not getting yours, either.

Murr:

[ stammering ]



[ laughter ]

You're gonna let my ex have this? This is on you, man.

Bud, can you give me a hand for a sec? I just need a hand burying

-- You need two people for this one part of it.

All right, all right.

It'll just take one minute, man.

Come on in.

Come on.

Let me show you what we got.

Whoa! Whoa!

[ laughter ]

Q: Oh, he got one.

Here's what happened.

The guys already doing it! There was a clown over there.

He looked at me sideways, right? So I pop them.

I grab his balloons and I said, "here.

Now I got your livelihood.

" Now I'm gonna bury it.

What are you doing? That was the worst story ever.

There we go.

He was on board.

You didn't need to shove Your anti-clown propaganda down his gullet.

All right.

Nicely done.

Thank you.



[ balloon pops ]

Oh, I just popped it.



[ laughter ]



[ ding! ]



[ sighs ]

I'm gonna need a hand here.

We got a little surprise for sal.

He's gonna try to bury something That no one will agree to help him with.



[ speaks indistinctly ]

Excuse me, I need a hand burying something.

I'm trying to get my bury on with this.

I could use an extra hand.

Yeah.

Thank you so, so much.

It's okay.

I just got to bury My

[bleep]

niece.



[ laughter ]

Oh, my god.

It's sal's niece! Oh, my god.

Wait.

No, no, no.

You can help me.

Wait.

No, no, no, no.

Please.

I swear to god.

I'm her godfather.

Her name's madison.



[ laughing ]

honey, get up.

I'm not gonna bury you.

Q: Look at the people! Murr:

[ laughing ]

look at the people! Oh, it's okay.

It's my goddaughter.



[ laughs ]

I was gonna bury her, and then I decided not to.



[ laughter ]

Never, ever, ever, ever Conspire with my friends again.



[ buzzer ]

Hey, how's it going, man? Brooklyn tradition

-- Help a stranger bury something in the park.

Ah, you'll never amount to anything in this borough.



[ laughter ]

Red shirt.

Yeah, hi.

You want to help me bury something? I'm dead serious.

I got two shovels.

She's coming.

Wow.

She is.

This is sweet, huh? I just have to bury this thing, and you're gonna help.

This is amazing.

Oh, boy.

Yeah, that says "sex robot" on the shirt, doesn't it?

[ laughter ]

Murr:

[ distorted voice ]

is it time to play? Do me, brian.

Oh, I see you brought a friend.



[ laughter ]

oh.



[ laughter ]

Joe:

[ distorted voice]

enough foreplay.

Put it in.

Q: Okay.



[ laughter ]

If you don't mind helping me bury my sex robot.

I have more to give.

I have more to give.

Q: Oh, oh, there we go.

Just cover her mouth, ruby.

Yeah, there we go.

Murr:

[ distorted voice ]

stop

[bleep]

blocking me, lady.

Q: All right, ruby.

Now that this chapter in my life is done, Do you want to go grab a drink?

[ laughs ]

what do you say? Let's go, ruby.

Let's get out of here.

Come on.

I'll carry your bag for ya.

Here we go.

Here we go.

Oh.



[ laughter ]

Oh, yeah, could you help me for a second.

Sure.

Thanks.

Could you just come here And help me bury this thing over here? She's got it! She's in! She's in!

[ normal voice ]

she's got it.

Q: It's almost completely buried.

No, you'll see.

It's, uh Man: What is it, bud? It's my goldfish.

Yeah, he's still alive, but not for long.



[ laughter ]

No, 'cause they need the water to live.

Joe:

[ laughs ]

You want to just throw some dirt on there for me? Yeah?

[ all chanting "save the fish!" ]



[ sighs ]

all right.

Let's save these fish.

Let's save these fish.

Q: Here you go, brother.

Q is an animal lover, So he doesn't want these fish to die, anyway.



[ buzzer ]

Narrator: Q and sal couldn't dig themselves out of this one, So they're first up on the loser board.

Today we're hanging out In the parking lot of classic cleaners, Touching cars and getting weird.

We'll be going head-to-head Putting our hand on a stranger's car And waiting for them to come out.

You have to keep your hand on the car For as long as you can.

Whoever can't take the heat And takes his hand off the car first loses.

What are you staring at? Seriously, q? You look good.

Murr: Okay, here comes a customer.

Q: Ah, look at these two.

Here you go.

Joe: Beautiful day to, uh, Put your hand on a stranger's car.

And the hands go on the car In three, two, one.

The game's on.

Whoever takes his hand off the car first loses.

Sal: What are you doing? What are you doing? Joe: Oh, I dropped it.

Oh, don't bull

[bleep]

that you dropped it.



[ laughter ]

Hey, is this your car? My sweater got caught underneath.

I had dropped my wedding ring.

I'm just trying to fish it out.

Yeah, no, I went to reach it, got halfway under, And I realized it was a bad plan.

I should've probably just waited till you left.

Murr: So, we understand why joe's under there, sal, But what's your story? Yeah, what are you doing? You know what? You could go.

What are you saying? What? Are you kidding me? I'm not going till you go.

We came here together.

I spent three months' salary on that thing.

Yeah, I'm his husband.

Wow.

All right.



[ chuckles ]

wow.

Can you get it, hon? I'm jimmying it.

Murr: Look at his legs.



[ laughter ]

You know what might work, hon? Could you pull both my legs? Both:

[ laughing ]

ah! No, you have to pull both.

Sal: Yeah, I

-- yeah.

I don't believe that's the way to get you out, though.



[ laughter ]

joe: Ow! The one hurts.

You got to pull both.

Yeah, yeah.

Let's go.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.



[ laughter ]

Sal: Get him! Get him! Get him! Joe: Son of a bitch!

[ laughter ]

Q: Oh, my god! That was awesome! Oh, my god.

That was amazing.



[ ding! ]

I got my ring.



[ buzzer ]

Joe: Here we go.

They're in.

Murr: I got an idea.

Ah, so you win, q.

Sal: Place your hands on the car.

And the game is afoot.

The second they come off, Even if it's buy accident, you lose.



[ laughter ]

Here we go.

Murr.

What are we doing? What the hell are you doing? I caught this guy siphoning gas from your car, So I hit him with a baseball bat.

Could you hit 911?

[ laughter ]

I got a busted leg, and I'm trying to get to cvs.

Are you

-- you heading there? Can you drop me off at cvs? Joe: Nice, murray.

Nice.

Thanks, man.

I appreciate it.

Q: You're gonna let a bloody, wounded person in your car? That seems very odd, sir.



[ laughter ]

Great.

I'll close the door.



[ chuckles ]

keep your hands on.

Good luck, murr, keeping your hand on the car When you're shutting it and get in.



[ laughing ]

get away! Get away!

[ laughter ]

dude, my hand's on the outside of this

-- Murr: Exactly.

I parked a block away.

I thought I could walk there.

Where's your car keys? Right here.

Let me see.

Right there.

Let me see.



[ laughs ]

Murr doesn't have car keys.

Lis

-- lis

-- listen.

Boo-boo-boop.



[ laughter ]

Now he's getting mad.

Now he's getting mad.

Okay, you got it.

Moving right now for ya.



[ laughter ]

Q: All right.

God, this is

[bleep]

nuts.

All right.

Q, what do we do, man?

[ laughing ]

how does this play out? On three, we're gonna take our hands off together.

One, two, three.

Sal: Oh-ho-ho! Wow.

After all that, it's a draw.

Joe: Here we go.

The rematch is on.

No ties.

Follow my lead.

Follow my lead.

Follow your lead? Yeah.

Ugh.

Putting your hands on in three, two, one.

Here we go.

Murr: Hello, miss.

We work for classic cleaners

-- Yes, and we

-- no, we work here.

We offer a complimentary service That whenever you pick up your dry-cleaning, We give you a push off to get started.

It saves you gas mileage.

Joe:

[ laughs ]

go ahead.

Pull away.

We're gonna give you a little push.

Thank you so much for coming to classic cleaners.

Let's see you out-race me, bitch.

Joe:

[ laughs ]

ohhh, man! Murr: Okay, there you go.

There you go.

There you go.



[ laughter ]

Q: I won! I won! I won! Yeah! Damn it!

[ buzzer ]

murray, you're done.

Narrator: Murr and joe were hands-off in this challenge, Making it a four-way tie on the loser board.

Today we're in the park, playing one of our favorite games, Repeat after me.

What that means is, while talking to someone, The guys are gonna give us a weird sound to make.

And if you can't get the stranger To repeat that weird sound back to you, you lose.



[ makes farting noise, hums ]



[ makes farting noise, hums ]

We're not playing yet.

Playing what?

[ laughs ]

Narrator: It's q and joe In a "joker vs.

Joker" challenge.



[ chomps ]



[ laughs ]

Ow.

Did you just bite my arm?

[ chuckles ]

You've been hanging around your baby too much.

You know what it is? He skipped lunch.

No, I didn't get any sleep.

All right.

The noise you have to get a stranger To say back to you is bulbur.

Bulbur.

Bulboo.

Here we go.

Excuse me, sir.

Do you know how to spell the word "bulbul"?

[ laughter ]

Sal: Did you see his face? Burbur.

Nobody's even coming close to stopping.



[ laughing ]

your approach might need a tune-up.

Excuse me.

Do you know how to get to the san gennaro festival? Do you know where it is? Well, it's way downtown if it's on.

Oh, nurrr.

It could be I was told it was on mulbur? Mulbur? Mulbur? Mulberry? Okay, okay.

All right, thank you.

See, the problem is, he corrected you.

He thought you were saying "mulberry" incorrectly? Mulbur.



[ buzzer ]

murr: Oh, man.

Here's your sound, joey

--

[ screeching ]

frrr.

It's like a fart foghorn? Frrr?! This is harder than you think, buddy? You underestimate the power of the point.

Frrr?!

[ laughter ]

Frrr? Frrr?

[ laughter ]

The point "frrr" isn't as powerful as I thought.

Those are some headphones you got going on.

Oh, thank you.

What is

-- are these

-- Oh, it's a microphone.

Yeah.

Frrr.

How do you like this frrr? It's all right.

And all the apps come pre-loaded frrr? It comes some apps, like your story album.

You can make a photo album.

Oh, you can do all

-- frrr! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Frrr.



[ laughter ]

it's all right.

It tells you about all the latest news.

Frng.

Sal:

[ laughing ]

that's not the sound.

You know, if I have questions on the pope or whatever.

Frrr.

Yeah, if russia launches drones.



[ laughing ]

the guy's just talking to him.

That's crazy.

How's the battery life? It lasts us about Frrr.



[ laughter ]

Frrr.

There's just no frrrking way to say it, huh?

[ laughs ]

frrr.



[ laughter ]

all right, bud.

Well, see you later.

What was your name? Uh, chris.

Chris, joe.

Take care, buddy.

Nice to meet you, joe.

Nice to meet you.

Frrr.

Frrrrrrrr!

[ laughter ]

oh-ho-ho! At the buzzer, frrr!

[ ding! ]

Sal: Wow.

Murr: Whoa! Narrator: Q got nothing but the sound of silence, Making him tonight's big loser.

Q lost, so for your punishment, We took you to bodnar's auction house.

You're gonna be partaking in an auction, Selling items that people believe to be yours.

But once the bidding gets going, You're gonna interrupt And decide you don't want to sell them anymore And take all your "stuff" back.

That's right.

Going, once, going twice All: No, no, no!

[ laughter ]



[ auctioneer calling ]

Joe: Ah, this is a hot auction.

This room's getting packed.



[ calling continues ]

Man: Sold! $25! So, we have some things that are supposed to be q's And they're gonna auction them off And when someone bids on them, He's gonna change his mind and take his stuff back.

Joe: There's one thing you don't do at an auction.

That's say, "nah, I changed my mind.

" Right.

Murr:

[ laughing ]

all right.

There he is.

There he is

-- the guy liquidating his life.

Like, I feel like this is gonna be q In just a few short years, right? Man: Onto les paul guitar.

What's it gonna bring? Here we go.

This is q.

This is q.

Dude, it's your first item.

Man: $100 to go on this les paul guitar here.



[ auctioneer calling ]

You changed your mind, q.

Hey, hey, uh, uh

[ calling continues ]

Hey, I think that's

-- that's mine.

I decided I don't want to sell that.

I changed my mind.



[ spectators murmuring ]



[ laughs ]

Sal: Oh, my god.

Q: I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Thank you.

I'm sorry.

I don't want to sell it.

I'm sorry.

$150 for it? No, no, no! Not selling it! Murr: Not for sale.

I'm sorry.

I can't sell it.

Mm, I can't sell it.

Joe:

[ laughs ]

All right, lot 45.

Lot 45.

Onto "goose" gossage baseball.



[ auctioneer calling ]

Joe: Here you go, q.

Murr: Here we go, q.

$15 back there.

No.

Uh, actually, no, no, no.

Joe:

[ laughs ]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I changed my mind.



[ laughs ]

Okay, cool.

Thank you.

I'm sorry.

You can't have it.

It's my baseball.

Woman: Oh.



[ speaks indistinctly ]

joe:

[ laughs ]

Ooh! It is tense in there now.

Sal: It's so uncomfortable.

All right, we got a sterling silver Solitaire engagement ring.

All right, so, this one, you're gonna wait till after they win it.



[ laughter ]

Murr: Yeah! Oh, my god.

Oh

[bleep]



[ auctioneer calling ]

Joe: Oh, it's getting up there! It's a heated one!

[ calling continues ]

$170, bid $180

-- going once.

Not yet, q.

Not yet.

$170, bid $180

-- going twice.

Sold to buyer number

-- all right, no, no, no, no! I changed my mind! I changed my mind! Q: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I changed my mind.

Wait, wait, wait.

It was sold.

"I changed my mind.

" It was sold.

It was sold.

Q: I just changed my mind.



[ spectators murmuring ]

You hear the rumbling in the room? Joe: Oh, my god.

People hate him.

Look at this guy

-- wants to m*rder him.

Is that it? No, no, no.

One more.

Oh, my god.

Joe:

[ laughs ]

So, the last item is a very special one.



[ laughs ]

You've done a great job of not letting things sell, bud.

Thank you.

Joe: But that part's over.



[ laughter ]

You're gonna let this item go.



[ laughter ]

Are those my

[bleep]

jeep tires?

[ laughter ]

Joe:

[ laughing ]

yeah!

[ laughter ]

Did you take the tires off my jeep? Man: We have a set of four tires For a red

[ laughter ]

These tires are locally-sourced from staten island, new york.

Murr: Ready? Let's go.

Let's go.

This is

[bleep]

up.

Oh, what the

[bleep]

Oh, god.

Man: All right, let's go.

$300.



[ auctioneer calling ]

They're gonna sell.

$375.

$375.

Guys, how the freak am I gonna get home?

[ calling continues ]

$775, bid $800

-- going once.

$775, bid $800

-- going twice.

Last call.

Murr: Here it is.

And we sold it for $775 In the back there, buyer number 109.

Joe: Whoo!

[bleep]

this.



[ laughter ]

Q:

[ laughing ]

oh, come on.

What the

-- get away.

What are you doing? Those are my tires.

They were your tires.

You got to be

[bleep]

kidding me.

[ laughs ]
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