04x07 - Louie's Mom Remarries

[bunniefuu]

(theme song playing)

Come on, Tony.

You just have
to accept the fact

that Latka has
multiple personalities.

Vic Ferrari is one
of them.

But it's not fair.

I mean, Latka
works here all year,

and then Vic
takes his vacation.

Well, look at it this way, Tony.

If Latka takes a vacation,
it's a dull vacation,

but if Vic takes it...

(laughs)

Deal 'em.

(as Vic):
Hey, guys.

Hey.
Hi.
Hey.

Hey, I know you're gonna
break some hearts today.

Hey, uh...
hey, Vic, uh,

you all set on
your vacation?

Well, I found an outrageous
condo in Sugarloaf.

Four bedrooms, fireplace.

A hot tub?

Well, it will be

when I get into it.

(laughs)

I'm sorry.

I couldn't
resist.

(high-pitched sigh)

I couldn't resist.

Hey, uh, Vic, do you know,
this sounds pretty expensive.

Where are you gonna
get the money?

Well, I'm not gonna pay
for it all myself.

I'm gonna have roomies.

I have to find four guys
by Tuesday.

You know, it's very hard

to find the right kind
of people.

Why, are-are you looking
for good skiers?

Oh, Elaine, you're so naive.

Give me a hug.

Uh, no, thank you.

Anyway, let-let me
tell you the plan.

It's always good

to have one guy
who likes to cook.

I mean, uh, that way,
you get your meals,

and you also get a reputation

for breaking down
the male/female stereotypes.

Also, it's good to have a guy

who looks good in a turtleneck
and plays the guitar.

Namely, moi.

Then it's always good
to have a loser along.

That way,
when you bring him along,

everyone thinks
you're sensitive.

Then you always...

Of course, you need
some Austrian guy named Nicky.

Don't ask me why,
but somehow it works.

(humming)

You know...

(clears throat)

...that Vic
may have charm,

he may
have looks,

and he may have charisma,

but there's one thing
he'll never have.

This.

Charisma does not have jelly
in the middle.

Play.

(Louie whistling)

Well, why are you
in such a good mood?

Well, if you really
want to hear about it.

I had a big
fight with my
mother last night,

and I really
let her have it.

She didn't know what
hit her. (grunts)

Well, congratulations, Louie!

You did a job
on your mother.

Now it's Miller time.

All right,
all right.

First of
all, let me
give you

a little
background
on this.

You see...

my mom belongs

to this club called
Life Begins At 70.

All right, the
whole club consists

of three women, two men,

and somebody so shriveled
up, it's anybody's guess.

Louie,

has it ever occurred to you

that old people have a dignity

and a wisdom and a beauty

that you will never
appreciate or approach,

no matter what age
you get to?

Well, it may look like
that to you, Reiger,

because you're a little
closer to the bucket.

Bah!

All right, all
right, so anyway,

in this little
club of Ma's,

they get together
every once in a while

to have a little fun, right?

They have, uh, guest speakers.

This one time,

they had a guy come in
who found a rock,

and he talked about it
for an hour and a half.

A couple of weeks ago,

they had this old bird come in
and show travel slides.

After the excitement d*ed down,

the old guy with the slides
asked Ma

if he could take her home.

Little shuffle.
You know what I mean?

(laughs)

So, anyway,
that day,

I work a double shift--

16 hours.

I mean, I'm sweaty,

I'm tired,
I smell like a goat.

All I want to do is go home,

hose myself down
and put on the feedbag.

So, I peek
into the living room.

What do I see?

There's Ma

sitting on the...
on the sofa with this guy.

They're staring out
into space like this.

I thought they were dead.

(laughs)

It turns out, they're smitten.

(laughs)

So anyway...

Hey, schizo?

The next thing you know,
she's talking about marriage.

Marriage? Check, please.

Come on, big fella.

All right, to make
a long story short,

she's talking
about marriage.

She wants to
marry the guy.

I tell her she's nuts,

and then she comes back
with all these answers

about wanting to share her life

and not having
many years left.

So then, I come in
with my topper.

I tell her if she marries
this guy, I'm no longer her son.

Wah!

(laughs)

Oh, Louie,
how could you?

How could you do this
to your own mother?

You haven't heard the worst,
Nardo.

The guy she wants to marry...

is Japanese!

So?

My little old Italian mother
is engaged

to Itsumi Fujimoto.

Huh?

And he's planning
to take her to Japan.

So you made her
give him up, huh?

And just spoiled
her last chance at happiness.

You are really a worm!

(snorts)
Ugh.

I bet it broke
her little heart.

She'll get over it.

She cried a little bit,
put a minor curse on me...

MRS. DE PALMA:
Louie? Hey, Louie,

I want to
talk to you.

(groans)

Oh. Uh, hey,
everybody, hold it.

Uh, this is
my mother.

I want everybody

to treat her
with enormous respect

and excellent
manners.

If it wasn't for her,
I wouldn't be here.

Hey, you're
forgetting your father

and a cheap
bottle of wine?

Oh, Mrs. De Palma, it is
such a pleasure to meet you.

Who are you?

Oh. Um, I'm
Elaine Nardo.

Oh, Louie's girl.

Alex.

ALEX:
Yeah, uh, hi,
Mrs. De Palma.

I'm Alex Reiger.

Oh, you're the Jewish fella
that Louie's always helping out.

I can't tell you

how much we love your
son, Mrs. De Palma.

I really can't tell you.

Uh, Tony, uh,
you're next.

I'm Tony Banta,
Mrs. De Palma.

Oh.

I can't believe

what Louie says about you.

What city are we in?

Is... is this a
trick question?

Well, I'll be darned.

Oh. Hey, Mrs. De Palma,

I've been waiting
to meet you.

Um...

(speaking Italian)

Oh.... (speaking Italian)...
Italiano?

Sì, si.
Oh.

(speaking Italian)

Oh.

Ma, down here.

Hey, Tony,

what-what...
what did
she say?

Well, my Italian's a little
rusty, Alex, but she said...

I think she said, uh, her son's
acting like a jackass.

Or... Or else he's acting
like an asparagus?

No, it's probably jackass.

Well, you are
the expert.

New cabbie?

No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no.

This is Louie's mother,
Mrs. De Palma.

Oh.

Your son is one
of the finest human beings

I've ever known
in my life.

And you let him drive a cab?

Look, if this has
anything to do

with Itsumi Fujimoto...

Louie, I still want
to marry him.

I thought that
was settled.

You-you've got no reason
to marry that man.

Companionship.

Companionship.
Companionship.

Is that all you old
people ever think about?

Louie...

will you
talk to him?

Will you meet him?

Why should I do that?

You meet him,

and if you don't like him,
I won't marry him.

You promise?

I promise.

Okay.

Will you sit with him?

Sure.

Will you talk to him?

Sure.

Will you be nice to him?

Ma!

I had to go for it.

Hello, my dear.

(groaning)

I take it this is Mr. Fujimoto.

No, this always
happens to me in bars.

I love your sense of humor.

Speaking of which,
this is my son, Louie.

How do you do,
Mr. De Palma?

(grumbling)

Up, up.

Up.

Bow, bow.

All right, you
want to talk to me?

Let's go over here
and talk.

Very well.

Excuse us, Gabriella.

By the way,
you look lovely today.

Thank you.

Come on, people are
trying to eat in here.

I'll just sit here
and smoke.

Smoke your brains out,
crazy lady.

Louie, I understand
from your mother

that you are opposed

to the idea
of our getting married.

All right, now let's get
to the point here.

I got a question for you.

Have you ever known
another woman?

Of course, I am 83 years old.

Who hasn't known
another woman at my age?

Well, all right,
don't chew my head off here.

Ma, you can't marry
this old geezer.

He's pillowed half the Orient.

Louie, I'm gonna marry him.

You said if I don't like him,
you won't marry him.

I lied.

Look, I told you this before
and I'm gonna tell you again,

if you marry this guy,
I'm not coming home tonight

and I'll never set foot
in that apartment again.

And I'll no longer be your son.

I'm sorry you feel that way.

Let's go, Itsu.

Sayonara, Louie.

(Louie snoring)

ALEX:
I can't believe
Louie's doing this,

living in the garage.

(LATKA (as Vic):
Hey, guys.

Okay, hey, oh!

Boss man isn't up yet, huh?

No, uh, Vic, he's not.

Tell him that I left early

to b*at the weekend traffic.

You found all those
guys for the condo?

Oh, yeah, yeah, hey,
congratulate me, men.

The team is assembled
and we're on our way

to a holiday of hormones.

Okay, pray for powder, soldiers.

(alarm clock buzzing)

(Louie grumbling)

(banging sounds, Louie mumbling)

(stuff clattering)

(Louie snarling, growling)

(Louie coughing, gagging)

(groaning)

(loud yawning)

(groaning)

(yawning)

(groaning)

As my guide, and I watch
from the bushes,

we are amazed...

by the astounding

similarities
to a human being.

What are you bozos doing here?

What are you all dressed up for?

We're on our way to your
mother's wedding, Louie.

Oh, is it today?

Yeah.

Well...

I'm afraid you made one
little mistake, Reiger.

I don't have a mother anymore.

Hey, uh, he's walking his soap.

Louie, Louie.

Get out of here.
Louie, wait, Louie!

Go on.
Louie, Louie.

Wait a minute, Louie!

(shower starts)
Look, Louie,
I wouldn't

be here except that I think
it might make a big difference

to your mother if you
showed up there today.

LOUIE:
Oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah, go on.

Oh, come on, Louie, for once in
your life, don't be so... you.

You think
you know it all, huh?

You think you got it all
figured out, don't you?

Well, let me tell you something.

You get used to a way of life.

You don't pick it.

Me and Ma had a deal.

We had an agreement.

It was unspoken,
there were no papers signed,

but it was a deal just the same.

And now she's throwing it away.

And let me tell you
something else, Reiger.

I would've never
done this to her.

Wait, are you telling me

that you were never
gonna get married?

Of course I'm gonna get married.

But even if I did get married,

I'd always have a place
in my home for her.

I'd have given her a room.

Maybe even furnished it.

Even if my wife, Fleurette,
didn't want me to.

Fleurette?

Yeah, whatever
her name will be.

Fleurette?

Yeah, I pulled it
out of the air.

You pull Jane or Sally
out of the air.

You don't pull Fleurette
out of the air.

You pull Fleurette out of long,

hot sweaty nights
of total frustration.

All right, I'm a romantic.

So sue me.

The point is that
Ma is leaving me.

She's busting us up and yet
I look like the bad guy.

Everybody's sympathizing
with her 'cause she's got

the gray hair,

the little, little face
and that cute little walk.

And I'm the one who had his
life yanked out, Reiger.

That woman means
everything to me, Reiger.

She's my mama.

And all the things
she did for me.

She cooked my food,
cleaned my clothes,

she clipped my toenails.

Clipped your toenails, Lou?

That woman clipped
your toenails,

and you're not gonna
go to the wedding?

God, when you put it
like that...

You're right, Reiger,
I gotta go.

Of course I gotta go.
Of course, Lou!

Oh, but I don't know.

I'm not sure.

It might be a mistake
the way I feel.

I mean, it might
work on my guts.

You know, there's no telling
what I'd do when I get there.

There's a nasty side to
me you've never seen.

I've seen it.

Look, Lou, see,
you're not gonna do anything.

I'm telling you, you're not
gonna do anything to ruin it.

If you can't trust yourself,
trust me.

You're sure?
I'm sure, Lou,
I'm sure.

You're right, Reiger,
I'm gonna go.

Good, Lou, good.

You know something, Reiger?

What?

I feel great!

I feel like I got a
warm glow inside me.

And you know why?

Why, Lou, why?

Because no matter what
happens at that wedding,

no matter what disgusting
and revolting thing

that I might do,
it's your fault.

ELAINE:
I think everything
is so beautiful.

TONY: Yeah.

This is a joke.

Louie.

Boss, you'll love it.

It's a very moving ceremony.

How do you know, Iggy?

I'm a student of the
world's religions.

It figures.

A shinto wedding is one of the
three best ways to get married.

The best weddings
are Polish for the dancing

and Shinto for the poetry.

What's the third?

Vegas.

For the glitter.

Oh.

I can't take this.
Louie!

Louie, take it easy.

This is a holy place.

Who's that guy?

This is the Shinto priest

and his attendants.

He brought the whole family.

(grumbling)

Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie.

Next comes the groom

and then the bride.

Dad.

This is ridiculous!

My mother can't do this.

She'll never adapt!

Who's that?

Oh, no!

(pounding floor)

LOUIE:
That's mom!

She looks like a scarecrow
in a rice paddy.

JIM:
This is the
purification rite.

He's casting out the demons.

Louie, you'd better
hang on to your seat.

I'm glad you're having
a good time, Nardo.

This is the sacred norito.

It's a message
to the divine power

that a marriage is
about to take place.

It's fun being
the smart one.

This is the san san kudo.

After your mother drinks
from that cup three times,

she'll be married.

She will?!
Yep.
Hang on, Louie, Louie.

JIM:
One...

Two...

I gotta stop this!
Louie, no!

Mom!

ALEX:
Please don't, Louie.

Too late.

All right, in that case...

I give you my blessing.

Grazie, figlio mio.

Grazie.

(theme song playing)

WOMAN:
Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)