04x12 - Bobby Doesn't Live Here Anymore

[bunniefuu]

(theme song playing)

Hey, hello,
Latka.

Good. He's not
here yet.

Bobby's not here.

I bought him
a gift.

Can you guess
what it is?

(laughs)

A beach ball.

Oh... yeah.

Okay, but can you guess

what color it is?

Red, green, yellow and blue.

Yeah, that's right.

But, uh, okay,

can you guess

how much did it cost me?

About ten dollars.

Yeah.

That's right, okay,
but can you guess...

All right,
how tall was the saleslady?

Five foot three.

Not even close, Mr. Know-It-All.

Anybody else want to guess?

ELAINE:
Latka,

Bobby hasn't moved out
to California yet.

He just went there
to do a television pilot.

Yeah, that's right.

The network isn't sure about
making it into a series yet.

You know what I mean.

Yeah. Besides,
you buying Bobby a gift

makes the rest of us look bad.

Oh, no, no, no.

You see, he expects it from me
because I am his best friend.

Oh.

What... What are you talking
about, best friend, Latka?

Everybody knows I'm
Bobby's best friend.

Ha, ha, ha.

It's so silly,
it make me laugh.

There is nobody closer
than me and Bobby.

Hey, Latka, you
know, you're nuts.

Me and Bobby go out together,

me and Bobby go
to games together,

me and Bobby go
chasing girls together.

Whenever he's got a
problem, he calls me.

He does that to you?
That's right.

Well, then I can see
how that can confuse you.

But-but, really, Tony, really,

but he and I are best friends.

Anyway, if he's not going
to-to California,

I'd better return this to
the six-feet tall saleslady...

...and get
something else.

(scoffs)
(laughs)

You know, uh,
hey, you know,

Bobby's been gone
almost six months.

Hope he hasn't
changed any.

Yeah, you know, uh,

those people in, uh,
California are pretty strange.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Unlike here.

Wow!

Thanks, you guys.

I really didn't expect this kind
of welcome home.

I didn't even know I was gone.

ALEX:
Jim?

Yeah.
Your name is Jim,
not Bobby.

Oh, maybe so.

But if someone does
something nice to me,

I'm not one to nitpick.

You guys are aces.

Nice to be back.

Nice to have you back, Jim.

Hi, everybody!

(excited chatter)

Good to see you!

Wow! Ooh!

Here I am back
in the garage again!

ELAINE:
Yeah.
This place hasn't changed a bit.

Ooh.
TONY:
Come on, Bobbaroo,

there's your
old seat, yeah.
Yeah!

Hey, sit down.

Hey, how was California?
Great, huh?
Yeah?

Oh, I don't know.

Take away the beaches,
the climate,

the women, the glamour...

still beats this.

(laughter)

It's great
to have him back.

Bobby!
(excited chatter)

Hey, will you shut up?

I couldn't hear
myself think in there.

What's all the noise?

Hey, Louie,
guess who's back?

Louie.

Well... Bobby Wheeler,
the great ac-tor.

If I'd have known
you were coming,

I'd have baked a ham.

So, come to beg
for your job back, huh, Bob?

Ah, I didn't come
back here to work, Lou.

You never came
here to work, Wheeler.

He don't need
your job no more, Louie.

He's a big TV star now.

Hey, hey, hey, Tony,
I'm not a star yet, huh?

Yeah, well, Bobby did
a pilot and that's
the first step.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I happen
to know a little bit
about the TV world.

Donahue did a whole
show about it.

They make hundreds
of pilots every year,

and maybe two
or three of 'em

ever become series, hmm.

Yeah, but I have
a feeling that Bobby's
is gonna be one of them.

Yeah, I think it has a chance.

Well, I don't.
Why not?

Because Wheeler's in it.

Everything he touches
is a failure.

I mean, if he was
at Gettysburg,

we'd be singing "Dixie"
before ball games.

(Louie laughs)

ALEX:
Yeah, well, you'd better
watch out, Louie,

because this time
I think you're in
for a big surprise.

The only thing that
surprises me, Reiger,

is how the rest
of you can manage

to keep up this masquerade
of confidence

in George C. Scum here.

If you held a g*n to his head,

Wheeler couldn't
act nervous, ha-ha!

When this guy's in a play,
the highest priced seats are

near the exits.

When this fellow goes onstage,

they have to put sick bags
behind the seats.

(laughs)

ALEX:
All right, all right, all right,
all right, Louie, Louie,

Louie, let me
ask you something.

Let me ask you something.

What if Bobby
does get the series?

Ha!
No, I mean it.
What if he does get the series?

What, what, what?
Well, you name it, Reiger.

You want to make
a little bet here?

A hundred bucks?
No, no, no.

200 bucks?
500 bucks?
No, no.

No, no, no money.

What, what, what?

All right.

You congratulate him
in front of all of us.

Couldn't I just take out my
appendix with a warm spoon?

Sick bags!

Come on, come on, Louie.

Hey, Lou, come on.

Now, now you're
so sure of yourself,

what do you say?

All right, all right, for sure,
fine, I can't lose.

All right, all right,
if Wheeler's show

becomes a television series,

I'll congratulate him
in front of everybody.
Right.

And then,

I'll go down and
sprinkle rock salt

where hell froze over.

(both laughing)

Warm spoon!

(cackling)

Ah, come on, everybody,
let's, come on.

Let's take this party
over to Mario's.
Yeah.

Come on.
Let's get out of here.

Well, I'm not saying that
Bobby Wheeler's a bad actor,

but the only one who ever

waited for him backstage
was the playwright,

and he had a hammer, ha-ha!

A hammer,
he had a hammer.

A baseball bat,
he had a baseball bat.
No, no, no...

A rubber hose.
(grumbles)

He had a rubber hose.

That's a straight
line, Louie.

Okay. Okay, now you got
the number, right?

Now, if you hear anything,
just call me, okay?

If you hear anything.

All right, thanks, good-bye.

(Bobby sighs)

Well, Mr. Wheeler.

Okay, I want to hear
everything about your pilot.

Yeah.
Oh, okay.

Well, it's a hour-long
dramatic series.
Mm-hmm.

And I play the oldest son
in an old family clan in Idaho.

It's called Boise.

Oh...
Can't miss.

I love it! I already feel like
it's one of my favorite shows.

Guess how much they're
gonna pay me a week

if this thing goes to series?

Just take a wild s*ab.

150,000 bucks a week.

No, not 150,000 bucks a week.

No newcomer makes
150,000 bucks a week.

Then how much?

$3,500 a week.

Hey! That's pretty good!

That's pretty good.

What do you mean,
"pretty good"?

It's fantastic.

You know, if you hadn't
said "150,000 bucks" a week,"

everybody'd be going
crazy right now.

That's okay,
it's okay, Bob.

It's okay, we're impressed.

Yeah, Bobby, if that's the best
you could do,

it's the best you could do.

Tony, have you gotten dumber
since I've been away?

Phone call, Bobby.
It's your agent.

Oh, no.
Oh, no, he's heard.

I can't move.

I-I-I can't breathe.

Somebody get the phone
for me, huh?

I'll get it.

Hello, Sid?

Yeah, yeah, uh-huh.

Yeah?

Well, what'd they say?

Well, what did you say?

Well, well, okay, listen.

I'll, I'll get back
to you, okay?

Yeah, and, uh,
and thanks for calling.

(sighs)

The party's over.

Oh, not again.
Oh, no.

This party's over!

Now, we start celebrating
my new TV series!

(excited chatter)

Come on, this is the way
cab drivers celebrate,

not the way
TV stars celebrate.

I'm gonna rent a hotel suite
up at the Plaza,

and I'm gonna show you
what a real party is!

ALL (chanting):
Boise! Boise! Boise!

Boise! Boise!
Hold it down.

Hold it down.

You ain't, you ain't
seen porfnig yet.

Bobby, now that you are
going to be back in New York,

I bought you a present.

But you have
to guess what it is.

I will give you hint.

It, it keep you warm

and it rhyme with "zearmuffs."

Earmuffs.
Earmuffs.

ALEX:
Earmuffs.

Earmuffs.

Give up?

It is earmuffs.

Hey, Latka, listen,
I really appreciate it,

but I'm not gonna be
needing them now.

I got the series,
and I'm going to California.

Come on, we're moving the party
up to the Plaza.

(excited chatter)
All right, let's go!

ALL (chanting):
Boise! Boise! Boise!

Boise! Boise! Boise...

You know, uh, this champagne
isn't quite cold enough.

Would you make sure
the next batch

is a little more chilled,
please?

Yes, sir.

Psst!

And by the way,

all these meatballs
got toothpicks in them.

Tell them to be more
careful back there.

See?

A toast...

to our friend
who is with us again,

but who will soon
be leaving us,

but who will take with him
all of our best wishes.

You know...

I can't think
of any group of people

I'd like to share
this moment with more.

I mean, you guys have been
with me through the bad times

and through the good times,

and finally now,
a great time.

Hear, hear.
(Elaine sighs, laughs)

I just wish there was some way
I could take you all with me.

Well, since you can't,
could I have your juicer?

(phone ringing)

I got it. I got it.

Hello. Oh, yeah,
hang on a second.

Hey, Bobby, it's your agent.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah.

Make more money...

Hey, Sid,
how you doin'?

What is it?

What?

They what?

But, but why?

Well, what did you say to them?

Ho... hold it, hold it,
hold it, hold it, Sid.

Sid, you said an hour ago
everything was fine.

Listen, isn't there
anything we can do?

Listen, Sid,
they can't do this to me!

Come on, this is my life!

Oh, God!

Hey, he's got me curious.

Damn it, Bobby,
I just don't understand

how a thing like
this can happen.

I mean, this is not fair!

You went out there,
you made a pilot.

They sold it,
they loved it.

And now they're
gonna recast your part?

I can't believe it.

I, I can't believe it.

I mean, it's not
happening to me.

Here we go.

For the California
beach boy.

Just the thing for
fun in the sun.

You bought me
a beach ball?

Thank you, big mouth.

Yeah.

Latka, Bobby's going
to stay in New York.

They recast his part.

Is true?

Oh, okay, well, I don't mind.

I like to be laughed at
by the clerks in the toy store.

I just don't
understand this.

Didn't they give
you any explanation?

Oh yeah, they gave
me an explanation.

Yeah? Well, this
I'd like to hear.
Yeah.

They said I wasn't
sexy enough.

What?

I don't understand.

BOBBY:
They gotta be crazy.

I mean, I ooze sex.

I mean, look at my teeth

and my hair,
my height.

I'm a sexy guy.

Uh, excuse me.

Sí.

Do you speak English?

Sí.

Do you think I'm sexy?

Sí.

Do you think
I'm very sexy?

Sí.

I'm gonna ask you seriously

and, and please
don't lie to me.

Do you think that
I'm really, really sexy?

You are a sex god, señor.

See?
ALEX: Bob,

Bob, Bob, listen, those people
in Hollywood are crazy.

Now, look, I'm not gonna
let you give up.

There's gotta be
something you could do.

Oh, oh, there's
something I could do.

Uh, I'm going to wander
the streets aimlessly

and ride the subways
and babble to myself.

And crawl back to Louie on my
belly, begging for my job back.

That's the spirit.

Bobby, look.

You gotta look
on the bright side of things.

You know, you got
a lot going for you.

Yeah, like what?

Like us.
TONY:
That's right.

ALEX:
That's right.

Yeah. One thing I do
have is friends.

The "one thing"?

The one? Ah, come on, Bob.

Ah, look, let's everybody
just sit right here

and remind Mr. Wheeler
about the great things

that he's got that
are a lot more important

than some television
show, all right?

ELAINE:
Yeah.

You know, I'm feeling
a lot better now.

I want to thank you guys.

It's all right.
Oh.
Oh, great, Bobby.

I think I can even face
going back to the garage now.

Hey, Bob, I know it ain't much,

but at least we'll all
be together again.

Yeah. You can still
Yeah.

go on those auditions
like you used to.

Yeah, yeah...

No, no, no, no, Bobby.

Going back to
the garage would be
the worst mistake

you'd ever make
in your life.

What, what are you
talking about?

Bobby, come here.

Come here, let me
show you this.
What?

Look here.

What do you see out there?

An old woman
clubbing pigeons.

No, no, not down there,
up there.

Oh, the sunrise.

Yeah, Bobby,
it's a new day.

And you know what's great
about this day?

It doesn't belong
to anybody yet.

It could belong to you, Bob.

But it won't
if you stick around here.

Now, look, come on,
you went out there.

The best thing that ever
happened to you was this,

was this sh*t
at the pilot.

I mean, you got experience,
you made contacts.

Bobby, you gotta
follow through with this.

You gotta go back to California.

Look, maybe this one
didn't work out,

but the next one will.

Or the one after that.

Or the one
after that.

Or the one after that.

Or the one
after that.

ELAINE:
Jim, he got the point.

"The grey-eyed morn
smiles on frowning night,

"Chequering the eastern clouds
with streaks of light,

"And fleckled darkness
like a drunken reels

"From forth day's path
and Titan's fiery wheels."

(sighs)

That's good, Bob.

TONY:
Yeah.

I've still got a plane ticket
to California.

And tomorrow, I'm gonna be
on that noon flight.

Or the one after that.

Let's go.
Welcome home, Bobby.

Oh.
Here are you earmuffs.

Oh, gee, Latka, thanks.

But, see, I won't
be needing them now.

I'm going out to California,
and I'm gonna make it.

Oh, and then I suppose you want
the beach ball?

And then when I give you
the beach ball,

you're going
to want the earmuffs?

Well, you got another
thing coming, pal,

because I don't care.

I am fed up.

I don't care where you go,

what you do, when you do it,
when you get there.

I don't care.
You're making me crazy.

(speaking native language)

Earmuffs, beach ball.
Yeah, Latka...

Earmuffs, beach ball...

(continues in native language)

Well, everybody,
I'm on my way.

Hey, uh, Lou.

All right, don't make this
any harder than it has to be.

I said I was gonna
congratulate him,

and that's exactly
what I'm gonna do.

Hey, hey, Louie,
listen, you really
don't have to do that...

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no...
No, but I...

I'd like to hear this.
Alex, I would...

I would really like
to hear this.

All right, well,
then shut up and let me do it.

All right, uh, Wheeler.

I know that I, I rode you hard
when you worked here and, uh,

I hope that, uh,
that doesn't keep you

from believing
what I'm about to say.

(clears throat)

I was wrong.

Everybody else was right.

You probably are talented,

because you're getting out
of this place.

It's something I gave up on
a long time ago.

Eh, you'll go out there,
probably become a big star.

And if, uh, something like that
should happen, and, uh,

you are still
not mad at me...

maybe send me a picture
or something.

Congratulations and I
wish you all the best.

Hey, uh, look, Lou, I,

I wasn't gonna say
anything, but, uh...

I want to give you
a good-bye gift.

Bobby, Bobby, Bobby,
you shouldn't do that.
No, no, yeah, yeah.

Look, uh, Louie,
I didn't get the series.

They liked
the pilot, but, uh,

they're getting rid of me.

They did that to you?

Oh...

(sobbing)

Hey, hey, come on,
Louie, huh?

Come on, don't
take it like that.

I can't help it.

(laughing):
That's the funniest
thing I ever heard.

(laughs)

(whooping)

Hey, mister, you want
to hear something funny?

You know, Alex, I think
I'm gonna miss him the least.

(laughs)

I guess this is good-bye.

Oh, no.

Hey, listen, we're gonna be
seeing a lot of each other.

You'll go out there,
I'll come back here.
Yeah.

Let's just say...
"so long."

So long.

Take it easy, bro.

We're gonna be seeing you
on television

sooner than you think.

Yeah.

Or the one after that.

Well, um...

good-bye, Bob.

Hey, Alex,
it's not really good-bye.

It's more like
"I'll see ya later."

Come on, we're gonna be seeing
a lot more of each other.

Yeah, maybe, maybe.

What, what do you
mean, "maybe"?

Well, I mean, come on,
you know, if you, uh,

if you make it out there, uh,
your life's gonna change.

I mean, you're gonna get busy.

You're gonna travel.

You're gonna make new friends.

You know that and I know that.

You know, Bobby,
if you become a star,

there's a good chance we'll
never see each other again.

Here's hoping we never
see each other again.

Yeah.
(chuckles)

Go get 'em.
Go get 'em.

Huh?
All right.

(sighs)

(theme song playing)

WOMAN:
Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)