04x14 - Tony's Lady

[bunniefuu]

(theme music plays)

I just passed Latka
on my way in.

Guess who he is today?

Poor Latka.

I'll give you a hint.

He's wearing
Savage Leather cologne.

Oh, no, not him.

(humming)

(as Vic):
Hey, beautiful co-workers.

What a day it is to be young,
gifted and Vic.

You know, I'm getting
used to Latka

with these multiple
personalities,

but when he's Vic, he's such
a slimy lounge lizard.

Hiya, gorgeous.

With exquisite taste.

What?

Oh, wow, bum me out again, man.

Oh-oh. Oh, look at this, I'm not
touching this machine.

Latka? I mean, Vic?

Yeah?

Something wrong?

Look at this.
I mean, look.

I'm sorry to lose
my mellow, but I mean,

I'm just getting sick
and tired

of that little foreign wimp,
Latka Gravas.

Pardon me?

Look, I know you two are tight,
but look at this engine!

Look at this.
It's filthy, it's a disgrace.

I'm not touching that.

Well, I wouldn't dress
a wound in there, but...
Hey, look,

is it fair that I have to do
both his work and mine?

Well, offhand, I would say no,
but, uh, I, I...

Would you please
do me a favor?
What?

Why don't you take little
Captain Crud aside sometime

and teach him how
to operate a rag, okay?

You want me to talk
to him for you?

Yeah, I mean I would
do it myself...

No, say no more, say no more.
I'm confused enough.

I'll talk to him.

Hey, thanks, man.
You're a guy and a half.

And you're at least that.

Hey, guys, guess what?
I got a great new job!

Congratulations.

What are you going to be,
a door-to-door simpleton?

Listen to this.
I went to the employment agency

just to see what they had...
Uh-huh?

The guy sends me on an
interview, and I get the job!

Oh, you're leaving us?

Oh, no, no, no, I'm gonna work
here, too. It's just part-time.

A couple nights a week.

Yeah, a little extra money
can't hurt.

Oh, no, I'm not doing this
for the money, Alex.

I need a change in my life.

I'm getting tired
of driving a cab,

sitting all day in a cab,
driving people all day,

every day, day after day.

So what's the new job?

I'm gonna be a chauffeur.

Talk about the Renaissance man.
(chuckles)

Great, Tony, go for it
and don't look back.

Who hired you?

Oh, I haven't met her yet,

but it's supposed to be some
rich lady named Longworth.

That's great, Banta.
You be nice to her,

and maybe she'll let
you walk her poodles.

Be real nice to her, maybe
she'll let you eat with them.

(as Latka):
Time to put my nose back
on the grindstone.

A-okay.

Oh, uh, Latka?

Yes, what is it, Alex?

Good.
Uh...

I uh, I'm really
not sure how to
say this, Latka,

uh, but, uh, I promised Vic
that I would mention to you

that he thinks that your engine
is dirty.

Oh, well, then, uh, let's take
a look and see, all right?

Eh, what do you see?

I see a lot of grease and oil.

Oh, my! What a surprise.

Grease and oil in an engine?
Are my eyes deceiving me?

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Oh, oh, oh!

Listen, Vic is a fussbudget
and a pain in the yaktabe.

Like I said, I promised him
that I'd mention it to you.

Oh, well I understand,
and I appreciate it.

And now you mention this
to him for me.

I can't say that.

All right. Well, then
mention this to him.

Ah, better.

That's more to the point,
better.

I can't wait to drive this car.

Wow. Look at it.

(whistles)

Beautiful.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I've got the door.

Don't bother.

Mrs. Longworth?

Miss.

Oh, you can call me
Christina.

And you're?

Very grateful.

Oh, you mean my name.

My name... My
name is, uh...

My name. My name
is Anthony.

Anthony.

Anthony, is something wrong?

If there is,
I can't see it from here.

Uh, I mean, nothing's
wrong, ma'am, nothing.

Everything is fine.

And it was nice
of you to ask.

And if there is anything wrong,
don't be afraid to tell me,

because I'm new at this, and
you know, I might screw up.

(sotto voce):
"Screw up."
I don't believe it.

Well, there is something.

Oh, no. The hat.
I'm sorry, ma'am.

I know I should have taken
it off before you got in.

Where are my manners? Damn!

Oh, I'm sorry about "damn."

Anthony,

the only thing
I was going to suggest

is that you just relax
a little bit.

I mean, I realize
you're new at this job,

but, really,
you're doing just fine.

Well... thank you.

In fact, I think
you could so far

as to pull away
from the curb now.

TONY:
Yes, ma'am.

Now, then, tell me.

Which do you prefer,
Anthony or Tony?

I guess I prefer Tony, ma'am.

And which do you prefer,
uh, Christina or Peggy?

Tony, Peggy is a nickname
for Margaret.

My nickname is Tina.

Oh. I'm always getting those
two mixed. I'm sorry...

Actually, everyone
calls me Christina.

Yeah.

Except my brother...
who calls me collect.

(laughing)

(sighs)

Am I still doing
good as a chauffeur?

Oh I think
you're doing very well.

Oh. I think so, too.

I mean, it's, it's sort
of like driving a cab.

I mean, a lot
classier, you know.

But I feel right at home
here in this limousine.

(horn blaring,
tires screeching)

Hey, you, suck eggs!

I'm sorry.

I mean, uh...
I mean, uh...

I mean, exercise some
caution, will you, fellow?

Yeah, Alex. I'm outside the
governor's mansion right now.

It's the classiest party
I ever heard.

(band playing slow jazz
in distance)

No, no, I can't see nothing
from here.

Yeah, but I met
some real important people.

Well, I don't want
to brag, Alex.

Well, but just
to mention a few--

the governor's chauffeur,
the mayor's chauffeur.

Yeah, it's a regular who's who.

Hey, Alex, I got to go.

I'll talk to you later.

CHRISTINA:
Tony, we're going

to drop Mr. Blakeley off
on the way home.

Certainly.

115 Central Park West.

Right.

(clears throat)

(humming)

Doug, I promised you
a ride home.

Nothing else, okay?

Okay.

Doug!

Christina, don't
be so unfriendly.

Doug, please stop.

(Tony clears
his throat)

(clearing throat loudly)

You're making an ass
of yourself.

She's right, Doug.

Who are you?

I'm Tony.

Tony, mind your own business.

Just drive the car.

I will if you stop being rude.

Christina and I are having
a little disagreement.

You had better keep
your nose out of it.

Okay.

As long as you
stop being rude.

What if I don't
stop being rude?

Well, I guess I'll have
to ask you to leave.

Tell me something, Tony.

What will you do when you ask me
to leave and I don't?

What, then, jerk?

I don't know.

I guess I'd
break your face.

All right, big talker,
just stop this car.

We'll see
who breaks whose face.

Guys, please.

(brakes screeching)

You want to step outside
and settle this, right?

You bet.
You got it.

You got it.

Yeah? Well,
get out.

(tires screeching)

That settled it.
(laughs)

Just what would you have done
if that hadn't worked?

I mean, he was
a lot bigger than you.

Oh, I wasn't worried.

I mean, size isn't nearly
as important as ability.

You know,
I was a professional boxer.

I've been b*at up by guys
half his size.

So anyway, everyone said
it was a terrible mismatch.

I mean, Manzo was
nationally ranked,

and I was a
young unknown.

See, his manager took
the fight for a sure win.

You know, make his
record look good.

Yes.
All right, so
the fight starts.

First round, Manzo
breaks my nose.

For the next four rounds,
he keeps going for it,

hitting me in the face,
bloodying my nose.

Somehow I managed to stay
on my feet round after round.

The sixth round,
they finally stopped the fight.

I win on a TKO.

Manzo can't come out
of his corner

'cause I'm making him nauseous.

That was a joke.

Oh.
(laughs)

You know, like, a sportswriter
wrote that about the fight

'cause that's the
way it looked.

But the fact was,
I wore Manzo out.

Was that the biggest fight
you ever had?

Oh, no.

I once fought Ron Thomas.

You know, in his prime,
he was considered

one of the best middleweights
of all time.

But by the time I fought him,
he was 43.

I mean, his
reflexes were off,

his timing was bad,
his punches were weak.

With a couple of breaks,
I might have b*at him.

(laughs)

That one was serious.

Oh. I'm sorry.

No, no, no, that's okay.

Now that I think about
it, it is kind of funny.

You want to hear
another one?
Yes.

How about that?

All these years
of boxing finally paid off.

I have amusing anecdotes.

Vic!

Oh, look at this.

My sandwich.

It was almost ruined.

Oh...

Are you still moping
over Christina?

I'm not moping.

It's just hard to
chauffeur somebody around

you're nuts about.

I mean, we go to so many
great places together.

These could've been the greatest

dates of my life
if they had been dates.

I'm never going to have
better dates than these,

and I never had these.

Aw, Tony...

"Aw, Tony"?
You understood that?

No.

But he looks so sad.

I'm obsessed with her, Alex.

I can't get her out of my mind.

She's the classiest lady
I ever met.

She's like a princess,
she's like a goddess,

she's like a Vegas showgirl.

Tony, Tony, why don't,
why don't you ask her out?

I can't do that, Alex,
I'm just a chauffeur.

I mean, she's nice to me,
but she's nice to me

the way she's nice
to the gardener,

the way she's nice
to the housekeeper,

the way she's nice to the cook.

She's so nice.

But I'll bet that she thinks
of you as more than help, too.

Oh, yeah.

When was the last time
you ended an evening

by telling your date
to wax the car?

Tony, give it time.

Love has a way
of creeping up on folks.

I once lived
with a woman

for three years
before I realized I loved her.

In fact, I lived with her

for three years before I
realized I lived with her.

What a woman.

I might have married her.

Why didn't you?

I said I might have.

I don't remember.

Tony, Tony, listen to me,
listen to me.

Don't wait.

I mean, the longer you wait,

the harder it is for her

to think of you
as not the help.

You know,
he's absolutely right.

You have got to ask
her out right now.

I can't do that, man.
ALEX: Why?

I want her so bad but
she's out of my league.

And I'm not going after
no more pipe dreams.

I can't take that again.

What do you mean, again?

Oh, you guys know,
I was a boxer.

I wanted to be
champion of the world.

So, I spent 13 years of my life

wanting and chasing
something that I'd never get.

All I get is
an empty feeling for it.

No more longshots.

Tony, you're not
a quitter, are you?

No, I'm no quitter, Alex,
but what am I supposed to do?

Well, we'll help you, all right?

We'll show you,
I mean, if need be,

we'll go over everything
step by step.

But you're going to get
the girl of your dreams, Tony.

That's right.

Oh, come on guys, I mean,
she goes out with guys

that take her
to Broadway openings.

You know, the 21, the Met.

How am I supposed
to compete with that?

So, you don't compete.

Tony, you do
something better.

You do something
that is uniquely you.

That's right.
Like what?

Well, wait a minute,
wait, wait,

let's just think about it.

Let's just think
about it.

I got it!

How about boxing?

Great!
Good!

That's unique, Tony.

But for God's sake,
go easy on her.

Tony, I got a great
idea for a date.

And it won't even
cost you much.

Oh, one of my most
romantic memories

was the time when
my date showed up

with a large picnic basket
and a bottle of wine,

and he took me on the Circle
Line cruise around Manhattan.

Oh, it was
a beautiful spring day.

I fell in love with him
that afternoon.

Yeah? How'd it turn out?

Oh, not so good.

I married him.

Great.

Boxing's out.

A picnic basket
and a cruise is in.

Hey, you know what would
be fun to do after that?

Take her ice-skating.

Oh, I don't know, Alex, I mean,

I've never been ice skating,
I might fall down.

Oh, that's cute as hell.
ALEX:
Yeah.

I could, I could fall.

Banta, this is touching
a chord in my heart.

I've been through this,

and I want to pass
something on to you.

I was once in love with a woman

who was so sophisticated

and so refined

that it seemed to make
her unattainable to me.

Oh, yeah, the prison guard.

No, no, no, not her.

This was a ballerina.

She was gorgeous.

And classy.

When she did a grand jete,
it could make you cry.

But I persevered
and I won her heart.

Really? How, Louie?

I know a spot
on a woman's body

that turns her to jelly.

Well, if that works so
great for you, Louie,

why aren't you constantly
surrounded by beautiful women?

Because it's not an
easy spot to get to.

Take off your right shoe, Nardo.

Drop dead.

See, I told you it was
a tough spot to get to.

Come by later and I'll,
uh, tell you some secrets.

You too, Casanova.

Hey, come on, so, so, what
do I do after ice-skating?

You know, to sort of
cap off the evening.

Right.

Uh, drop by my place.

I'm having a luau.

Thanks, Jim, but, uh,

you wouldn't know when
we'd be dropping by.

It doesn't matter,
I'm always having a luau.

Now, look, Tony, I think
you're pretty well set now.

What do you mean set, Alex?

You guys said you were
going to tell me

what to say and how to say it.

(as Vic):
¶ Here I come
to save the date. ¶

(chuckling)

Okay, Tony,
I got a line for you.

You use this little
goodie, and I promise

it'll be full speed ahead
from "Can I buy you a drink?"

to "How do you
like your eggs?"

I'll write it down for you.

No, no, no, Tony,
you don't need any lines.

I don't have any lines.

Or any women, either,
eh, Mahatma?

Here, Tony.

Read your lady
this poem I wrote.

Hey, a poem is a good idea.

"How much love I gave
to those I never loved.

"How, hoping for
what I never knew

and finding it with
my heart, Christina."

Yikes! This don't
even rhyme.

That's right,
I was hoping it did.

Tony, the very things that
you've told us about Christina

are the very things that
you should tell her.

That's right,
that's right.

Aw, yeah, sure.
No, Tony, it is.

I mean like, like, like that I
can't stop thinking about her?

You want to go out
with Christina?
Yeah!

Then all you have to do
is go to her and say,

"I want to go out with you."

I want to go out with you.

Yeah.
I like it.

I'll do it.

Oh, but I'm going to
chicken out, Alex.

Don't chicken out.

Don't.

Got that covered,
too, huh, Alex?

All right.

I'll do it,
I won't let you guys down.

We can't miss.
Okay, go to it.

Oh, yeah, how's this?

I fixed the poem.

It rhymes.

"How much love I gave
to those I never loved.

"How cold is your hand
when not properly gloved.

"Hoping for what I never knew,

"The sky is blue,

and finding it
with my heart...

And here comes
the hardest part,

"Christina, which I like
even better than Wheatina."

Well, it's a start, Jim.

Okey-doke.

Thanks, guys.
ALEX:
Okay, okay.

TONY (sotto voce):
Ask her.

I just want to go out with you.

I want to go out with you.

Oh, that's easy.

I want to go out with you.

Oh, let me help you.

Here.

Thank you.

(takes deep breath)

Christina, here it is.

Well, I think they
liked your designs.

Congratulations.
Thanks.

I'll have Accounting send them
a material cost breakdown.

Tell them I'm working on
a new design for spring.

Fine, but could you
do me a favor?

Could you try to keep
material cost down this time?

The cost is your
department, isn't it?

Yeah, but it would be
easier for us both

if you'd just consider
the cost up front.

I'll do that.

See you later.

See you later.
Bye.

Christina, I...

Christina, I can't go on
with this charade anymore.

I was wrong about
everything, I'm sorry.

I love you.

I need you.

Marry me.

Oh, yes, Nick.

Yes.

Christina, will you
go out with me?

Oh, guys, don't be
so hard on yourselves.

I mean, you meant well.

And you were right,
I had to go for it.

You can't give up
on your dreams.

Romance never works out.

Only in fiction.

I want to live in fiction.

It wouldn't even have to
be "Wuthering Heights."

I'd settle for
"Nancy and Sluggo."

I'll get over this.

We'll all get over this.

This is not
my first disappointment.

The first time my heart was
broken was in the ninth grade,

and I got over it.

A couple of years ago.

Ah, the worst part of it is, I
feel like I let everybody down.

No, it's not your fault,

No.
it's nobody's fault.

We're just depressed
because

there's no romance
left in the world.

Don't be too sure.

I've got a date with an angel.

Funny thing...

I've known her for years.

She didn't know I was alive
until last night.

I tried the stuff
we've been telling Tony.

Worked like a charm.

Well, we're going out tonight

collecting aluminum cans.

Crazy world.

¶ Oh, love always...

(theme song playing)

WOMAN:
Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)