04x15 - Simka Returns

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Taxi". Aired: September 12, 1978 – June 15, 1983.*
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This Emmy-winning sitcom follows the lives of a group of cabbies in New York.
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04x15 - Simka Returns

Post by bunniefuu »

(theme song playing)

So, what are you gonna do
about your problem, Reiger?

What?

What are you talking about,
my problem?

Latka's girlfriend
is coming back.

Who else is gonna tell her

that he's become
the Three Faces of Weird?

You know, Louie,
Louie, even for you,

there's gotta be a more
sensitive and caring way

to refer to someone
who suffers

from multiple personality.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I was talking
about the gentleman

who suffers from...

(babbling)

ALEX:
Latka...

how many times
have you shaved today?

Eh, twice on my face
and once on my back.

I want to look good for Simka.

(clears throat)

Have you, uh,
a girlfriend, Latka?

Oh, yeah, she's a girl
from Latka's country.

And when she first
came to America,

she and Latka were dating
each other for a while.

Yeah, then I let her slip away.

Boy, what a fool I was.

I'm sorry that she left
before I told her I love her.

Latka, are you gonna
tell her you love her now?

I will not make

the same mistake again.
Good.

She is the girl for me
in the whole world.

Good, good.

Yeah, excuse me, Elaine.

I'm sorry, but she's better
than American women.

I don't even like
American women.

I have a good reason, too.

What's that?

They don't give me
the time of day.

Oh.

Latka, you know,
you ought to get rid

of all that tissue paper
on your face.

You know, what you need to use
is a styptic pencil instead.

Styptic pencil?

Styptic pencil.

Where will I find one?

Here, use mine.

No, no, no, Jim, Jim, Jim!

He needs a styptic
pencil, not--

By golly, that's
a styptic pencil.

I will try it.

Why are you carrying a
styptic pencil in your ear?

Well, in light of
what just happened,

a better question is,
"Why aren't you?"

Hey!

Hey!
Oh!

Is-Is Latka here?

Oh, yeah, and he's
dying to see you.
Mm-hmm!

Yeah, yeah, he'll be right out.

Oh, it is good
to hear you say that.

I miss him.

I've not had too much
luck with men lately.
Oh?

Elaine, you know
what it feels like

to be used,
taken advantage of

and then thrown away
like an old shoe?

Does she.

Simka.

Latka.

Simka.

Well, are you going
to just stand there?

Oh.

(speaking native language)

Oh, oh, Latka, Latka,

we can speak English now.

I feel very comfortable in
that tongue, you bet, Joe!

You are looking very well.

Oh, I cannot complain.

You are looking well also.

Are you available
for getting together?

Yes, you may call me
for social engagements.

Whew! This is just like
in Body Heat.

SIMKA:
Latka,

Latka, let's have lunch.

Okay, but let me just
grab a quick shave.

Okay.

Oh, is same sweet man.

Yeah, well, listen, I,
uh, I'll be going along.

So long.

(bell dings)

Calling Dr. Reiger.

(ringing bell)
Oh, Dr. Reiger?

Uh, Simka, Simka, can I
talk to you for a second?

Over here, please?
Yes, excuse me.

Uh, Simka, uh...

I think there's something
you have to know about Latka.

Oh, no...
No, no, no,

there's nothing to
be alarmed about.

Believe me, nothing.
Sit down, please.

Look, Latka has
what doctors call,

uh, multiple personality.

You see, sometimes, uh,

and he's not even
aware he's doing it,

he totally becomes
another person.

I mean, his walk, his talk
becomes totally different.

You understand?

Yes, he's kookiputz.

(man sings "Love Me Tender"
in Latka's language)

(knocking on door)

Just a minute.

(volume decreases)

Hello, Simka.

Hello, Latka.

Come in.

Take it for you.

You are looking even more
gorgeous than normal for you.

Well... you are not looking
so awful yourself.

I hope you are hungry.

I made something special.

Oh, I am! What is it?

Smell.

(sniffing)

Warthog!

I think it's ready now.

Oh, lovely.

And the salad.

Mmm...

So, what would you like?

Eh, would you like
something from the hoof

or something
close to the tusk?

Both!

That's what I love about you,
you eat like a swine.

Oh, you!

I hope you like it.

Oh...

You know,
it's hard to find

self-basting warthog
in America.

It is perfect, Latka.

Everything is perfect.

The flowers,

the candles, the music.

Brethnees?

Well, maybe just
a quick one.

You know, Latka,

I have had many lonely nights

since I last saw you.

Well, you know, it hasn't been
all brethnees and warthog

for Mama Gravas's
little boy either.

That's why I was so glad

that you wrote me when
you discovered that Omaha

was not all the
songs say it is.

Here is mud in your blifnik.

Simka, Simka,

I want to tell you something.

Oh?

(clearing throat)

This is the best evening
I've had in a long time.

I've dreamed about this
evening, and you.

And I just want
to tell you that...

What is it you want to say?

Well...

I want to say that...

I...

(sniffing)

(as Vic Ferrari):
What d*ed in here?

Oh, my gosh!

Where am I?

The Ramada Inn of Rumania?

(chuckling)

Latka?

Latka?

Oh, boy, here we go again.

No, honey, Vic-- Vic Ferrari.

And you?

Oh...

Alex told me
something about this

and darned if he wasn't right.

I think, uh...

Maybe I better go.

Well, uh, that's your
decision, but one thing.

Leave and I'll die.

Well, I mean,
how can I... stay?

I hardly even know you.

Oh, well, but I know you.

I think I do.

You're smart, independent

and, uh...

You were a daddy's girl.

Am I right?

Well...

How would you know these things?

I mean, Latka doesn't
know these things.

It's in your eyes
when you look at a man.

(sighing):
Oh, brother.

What else?

(chuckles) Playful.

A little bold and, uh,

you have my name tattooed
on your right thigh.

Oh, I don't!

Hey, okay, the
evening's young.

You are very funny
this way, Latka.

I mean, Vic.

Would you chop me down
if I took a chance?

No, I will not chop you.

Okay, then here goes.

I am completely taken by you

and I want to love you.

Well, in my country,
there is only one thing

a girl can say to that,

which is one of the
reasons I left.

I don't even know
your name.

Simka Dahblitz.

Hello, Simka.

Hello, Vic.

(singing in native language)

LATKA:
Ah!

Babycakes!

Simka?

Oh... Latkacakes?

What's going on here?

Why are you still here?

What are you so
happy about?

You don't remember?

No.

Well...

Oh, we had a wonderful time.

Oh, you were very funny,

and very charming,

and you said your name was Vic.

Vic!

Ooh, that guy, Vic.

I am not Vic.

I don't even like Vic.

Listen, sit down, please.

Tell me everything.

What did you do with Vic
last night?

Are you sure you
want to know?

Yes.

Uh, of course, not if you think
it will destroy me.

Well, I don't know what to say.

Well, for instance,
you can say,

that you were up
all night with him,

and you discussed, uh,
whether the Today show

is better
with Bryant Gumbel.

I cannot say that.

I knew it.

You made love with Vic!

Well, I did, but...

You made love
with another man

right under my nose!

Well, there was no other way.

And besides, that was you.

Did I whimper?

Was I... clumsy?

No, you were wonderful!

Then it wasn't me.

Latka, please.

You have shamed me,

degraded yourself,

disgraced your family,

cheapened your people,

and blemished your planet.

That was not nice!

I'm going!

Good. Go. Good-bye.

I am going.

Good.

Latka!

I hate you and I never want
to see you again,

and thanks
for a wonderful night!

Latka.

Latka.

Latka, you've been under
that cab all day.

Now come on.

Something's happened,
huh?

Tell me about it.

Well, Simka says
she found another man.

Oh... Latka.

Oh...

I can't tell you
how many times

I've had something
like that happen.

Talk to me.

Okay.

She says the other man
was Vic.

Talk to Alex.

Latka, Latka,
let's have--

let's get a cup
of coffee.
No.

Come on, come on, let's
get a cup of coffee.

I don't want to.
Come on, Latka,

let's get a cup
of coffee.

No.

Latka...

...I can't believe that a girl
like Simka would, uh--

could possibly prefer Vic
to you.

Oh yeah?

Well, look what I found
in the pockets

of his fancy sports coat.

Airline tickets to Bermuda?

Yeah,

he's taking her away.

Oh, Latka, just 'cause
he has tickets

doesn't mean she's going.

Oh, yeah?

Look what I found in the pockets

of his velour smoking jacket.

"The trip sounds okay to me.

"I will be at your place tonight
promptly at 7:00-ish.

Signed Simka."

See?

Vic has more fun in his pockets

than I have in my whole life.

Okay, Latka, look,
maybe Simka prefers Vic,

but I know there are
a lot of women

who are going to prefer your
sweet little innocent qualities.

Oh, really?
Yeah.

Where are they?
I don't know.

I've asked all
of them.

Look, women don't like
timid, weak men

half as much as
they should.

Well, Latka,

is that what you're
gonna do?

Huh?

You're gonna just sit
there and mope?

No, I'm going to whine
and snivel.

Okay, fine, terrific.

You lost her.

Give up.

Why don't you stop thinking
of yourself for a moment?

Why don't you start
thinking of Simka?

You gonna let her go out
with a guy like Vic?

Ah.

Hey, wait a minute.

Wait a minute!

Latka, you're
responsible.

You got them together!

They met through you.

Wait a minute.

You are right.

I am responsible.

Yes, I-I have to save her
from that two-bit bossa nova.

All right!

Oh, I am going to go.

And-And if he won't listen
to good manners,

I'm going to have to get rough.

I would hate to be
in his shoes.

(knocking on door)

Hello, Simka.

Hello, Latka.

You were expecting someone else?

Maybe someone smooth?

May I enter your house

and sit down on
something?

Yes, that would be pleasant.

There is something
very important

I want to tell you.

Okay, first of all,

I am sorry that I got mad
at you the other day.

That's okay, Latka.

I accept your sorriness.

Thank you.

Second of all,

you cannot see Vic anymore.

He is a terrible,
awful person.

At least he is happy with me.

He has a lot more
to be happy about.

There is one other thing
I want you to know.

Ever since you have come back,

I don't know what I'm doing.

I cannot sleep, I cannot eat,

and my work is suffering.

Men have gone to almost
certain injury

in the cabs.

So, please,

don't-don't go to Bermuda
with Vic,

because...

Because what, Latka?

Well, because--

oh, I-I don't know
how to say it.

Uh, uh,

well, you know...

...I...

(as Vic): Simka, baby!

Oh no, not Vic.

I want to hear what Latka wants
to tell me.

I'm listening, Latka.

Simka, it's so good
to see you.

You know,
this is crazy.

I just realized
how much I missed you.

Now I know what it feels like
to really care.

Oh, well. Hey, come on,

we're missing valuable
sack time.

Come on.
Oh!

I think all you want is
physical pleasure.

Oh, come on now,

why would I want something
like that?

(chuckles)

Latka,

if you are in there...

come back to me.

Please.

Yes, yes!

No, no.

Come with me to Bermuda,
and good news,

we're gonna fly...

business class.

I don't want to go to
Bermuda anymore, Vic.

I want Latka.

Uh, there must be an acoustic
problem in here.

Uh, I could have sworn I heard
you make kissing-off noises

to Captain Joy!

Ya.

Well, if that means I
want you to go away

so that Latka will
come back,

then you're hitting nail with
your head, buddy boy!

You know, I don't think you
realize what you're saying.

Let me just explain
something to you.

If I walk out that door,

I'm never coming back.

(sighs)

Bye, Vic.

Okay.

Okay.

No tears, no bum feelings,

no blame,

no fault insurance.

I'm just glad

that I got to spend
a part of my life

in part of your life.

You blew it, baby.

(clicks tongue)

Pow.

(as Latka):
That's right.
Get out of here.

And if you ever come
near my woman again,

I will call you a name!

Simka, there is something
I want to tell you,

right here and now,

and no, I'm not going
to b*ating on the bush.

I...

I love you!

Good deal!

Me, too!

Vic?

No, it is me.

Wow, Latka!

(theme song playing)

WOMAN:
Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)
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