04x21 - The Wedding of Latka and Simka

[bunniefuu]

(theme song playing)

Hello,
Arlene.

Hello,
Jose.

Hello, Dwayne.

Hello, Billy.

Hello,
Ruby.

A man is nothing
without friends.

Boy, are you
in a good mood

today.
Yes.

You know that nagging

multiple personalities
problem I had?

TONY:
Yeah.
Yeah.

It is gone. I am cured.

You sure, Latka?

Yes.

I knew you would be skeptical,

so I brought my therapist
so she could meet you.

Yeah?
(chuckles)

Please... therapist.

It's probably a witch doctor.

ALEX:
This guy goes to
a therapist like...

Look what you gave me--
three twos.

ELAINE:
Yikes!

This is
Elaine.

Hello.

Hello. I'm Dr. Joyce Brothers.

And this
is Tony.

Hi, Tony.

And this
is Alex.

Well,
hello there.

Nice to meet you, Alex.

It is!
It is!

It's Dr. Joyce
Brothers!

I got to thank you.

You helped me
get through puberty.

Dr. Brothers,
sit down, please.

I'd love to,
thank you.

Join us.

Latka loves you
all so much.

He wanted me
to meet you.

How did you come
to treat Latka?

Well, I was on a phone-in
talk show, and Latka called.

Since I'd
never treated
his particular

dissociative personality
disorder before,

I offered to see him regularly.

Huh.
DR. BROTHERS:
I am

very confident that Latka
has the situation under control.

All right, Latka.
Way to go, Doc!
Fantastic!

Way to go!
Oh, we're so grateful
to you, Dr. Brothers.

Well, thank you.

Come on. I will show
you where I work.

I'd love
to see it.

TONY:
This is great.
Sit down.

(growling)

DR. BROTHERS:
I'd best be going.

Latka, you have
my telephone number.

Use it whenever
you want to speak to me.

Nice meeting
all of you.

ELAINE:
Nice to see you.
Yeah.

LATKA:
Bye-bye.

ALEX:
Dr. Brothers.

Dr. Joyce Brothers?

That's right.

Whoo!

(clears throat)

I have a question
to ask you.

What is it?

Are you visiting
the garage,

or am I on The
Merv Griffin show?

We're in the garage.

That's too bad.

'Cause I have a story

that Merv would've loved.

Oh, Latka, it's so good

to have you back
with us full time.

Yeah. Latka.

Come on,
sit down.

TONY:
Latka!

You know, eh, Dr. Brothers
told me it's okay now.

I can lead a normal life,

and, uh, I can go to the job,
and I can make new friends.

As a matter of fact,

I am going to ask Simka
to marry me.

Yeah! Yeah!
That's wonderful.

I love her. She...

ELAINE:
Ooh, now, wait
a minute.

How come you
don't look happier?

Because I am not American,

where the wedding is nothing
but a celebration

for two people
to being together.

Simka and I are orthodox.

By tradition,
demands

that we go through
from the proposal

to the last moment
of the ceremony--

we have to go through a series
of tests.

And if we
fail even

one test,
we never to be married.

TONY:
You're kidding.
So, why do you guys

put up with this?
LATKA:
Well, because

in my country, there is
a belief, and rightly so,

that the only thing
that separates us

from the animals
are mindless superstition

and pointless rituals.

Well, I don't care
what you say, Latka.

I think it's great
you're getting married.

Yeah. Me, too.
Me, too. Yeah!
Great. It's great.

ELAINE:
Fantastic.

Good. Then you can
be my Gewirtzal.

Your Gewirtzal?
Yes.

I'd be proud
to be your Gewirtzal.

What is that? Like a best man?

No, it is the one
who has to propose for me.

Oh.

Usually it's an old hag
or a leper or the village idiot.

But you'll do
in a pinch.

Latka, I just hope
I remember everything.

I mean, I had to
learn a lot of, uh,

ancient ritual
in just one week.

Hmm. Don't worry.

You'll be fine.

Once Simka knows
that you are proposing,

she will know what to do,
and she will help you.

Yeah,
I hope so.
(knocking)

Hey, wait
a minute.

She's early,
isn't she?

That's early,
isn't it?

Yes.

Uh, listen, Latka,
uh... I, uh...

Good luck, uh,
to both of us.

Hello, Latka.

I'm ready
for our date.

Hello, Simka.

I have a special
surprise for you.

Oh, boy. What is it?

I will show it
to you now.

Oh, goody.

(clears throat)

That's it?

You're just going
to grepse at me?

(banging, bells jingling)

Uh... iska bedesko,
iska bedasko.

(sighs)

(speaking native language)

(yelling)

Bushky, bushky.

Da.

Oh.

Oh.

Yiskuk. Yiskuk.

Yis... kuk!

Uh... Uh, Simka, I, uh...

I-I really don't know
your language,

so, uh, I'm gonna have
to do the rest in English.

Is that all right?

Oh, that's okay.

You do it in any language
you want.

I'm just glad
you're not a leper.

There is our fine
young prince.

You have to sing it.

Sing it? I
can't sing it.

You have to. You have
to do it beautiful,

or else she won't accept.

I can't sing.
You have to.

I can't!
Sing it.

ALEX:
Oy...

(whimpering)

¶ There is a fine
young prince ¶

¶ He has mounted
Cossacks... ¶

I am going to die
a bachelor.

Oh, Simka,
Simka, listen to me.

Latka is the... is...

He's the hardest-working,
most sincere,

most loving man I've ever met.

Have you ever noticed
how his face lights up

just when you walk
in a room?

If-If you
marry Latka,

your lives will be very happy,
because you love each other,

and you're both sweet,
wonderful people.

And he'll be devoted to you
for the rest of your life.

Simka,

I've never met
two people

more suited to each other
than you and Latka.

What do you say?

What do you say?

You... You have grabbed the nose
of the Gewirtzal

and made me
the happiest man alive.

And you?

Of course.

(knocking at door)

Oh. Continue to wait.

SIMKA:
Okay.

Mama, you will give us
your blessing tonight,

won't you?

Latka, you
know better.

It all depends on
how she reacts

when I tell
her the murzik.

You are still
waiting?

SIMKA:
You betcha.

Ah.

Latka, go now.

You know, no man has ever
been allowed

to hear what I'm about
to tell her.

Hmm.

Simka Dahblitz?

Greta Gravas?

So, you want
to marry my Latka?

Yes, Mrs. Gravas.

Oh, I love him!

Love. (laughs)

Mrs. Gravas,

I want so much
to marry Latka,

and I want

so much to hear the wisdom
of my culture.

Please, tell me the murzik.

Listen carefully
to me, my child.

I will tell you the murzik.

Men are nothing
but lazy lumps of drunken flesh.

They crowd you in bed,
get you all worked up,

and then before you can say,
"Is that all there is?"

that's all there is.

They pass out smokes

when you are still whimpering
from pain of delivery.

Your flaxen hair will
become like dead grass,

and your once firm breasts

will fall to the floor.

Thank you.

I will store that away.

Do you still want to marry
my son Latka?

Almost more than ever.

Very well.

But before I can give you
my blessing

to marry my beloved son,

you must first kiss
your mother-in-law

on the cheek.

Okay.

(grunts)

(sighs)

You cannot walk
on my son's furniture.

(sighs)

You won't bend?

Mothers-in-law are forbidden

by tradition to bend.

(groans)

(traditional music plays)

This place certainly
looks more cheerful.

I hardly recognize it.

Yeah, well I do.

Be it ever so humble,
there's no place like hell.

A sense of humor
can cushion you

from the harsh realities
of life.

It can also make you seem
like a real bummer.

Don't take me
seriously.

I'm flirting
with you.

Oh.

Of course, I'm happily
married,

but an innocent flirtation can
be harmless and pleasant,

and can reinforce our
sexual identities.

She's fun when she lets her
hair down, isn't she?

Hey, I can't believe it.

After all the problems,

Latka and Simka are finally
gonna get married.

What a great day this must be
for them, huh?

ALEX:
Yeah.
Geez.

(women crying)
Salud.

Oh, my gosh.

Excuse me, can I ask you
a question?
Certainly.

Well, why are those women
so unhappy?

Oh, they are lamenting
the bride's future

as sl*ve to her husband

and the groom's burden of
family responsibility

which will eventually
crush him.

You must be Latka's
American friends.
Mm-hmm.

Yes.
I am Mascha from
Latka's country.

Hey, Masch, how are ya?

Nice to meet ya.

What about your accent?

Oh, I live in London

where I work as a
weatherman for the BBC.

I'll be translating
the ceremony.

Do you have any
questions?

Uh, I can't think of any.

What about "What is the
most unusual thing

about our ceremony?"

Well, that's a good one.

The most unusual
thing is

that it is rather a test
than a ceremony.

Um, if the bride
and groom fail

to answer any of the
key questions,

they can never
be married.

ALEX:
Hmm.
Well, thanks
for asking.

(man shouting)

Aha, the priest is ready.

Would everybody please
be seated?

Let the wedding of Latka
and Simka begin.

The Honorable H.L. Gorki
presiding.

(accordion plays
traditional tune)

And now the bride.

¶

Oh, she looks so beautiful
in her costume.

You're not gonna cry.

I don't think I can
help it, Alex.

MASCHA:
To truly understand
the feelings

and emotions of
their mate,

the bride and groom
must marry

in each other's
clothes.

And now the groom.

¶

You don't know how
long I have waited

to see you in your father's
wedding dress.

The priest...

will now place
a crown of rue

on the bride's head.

If she can walk
amongst us

without it falling,

she will be proven
a virgin,

and the ceremony
may continue.

My beloved family
and friends...

this was just a horrible
accident.

You must believe

that never have I,

this innocent, untried girl,

ever been with a man.

Never have I felt a man's warm,

moist lips pressing

against my waiting mouth.

Nor have I felt the hot flesh

of a lover...

turning at night,

his muscular arm resting
against my stomach,

my breath coming quick,

senses heightened,

the air humid...

Simka!

Simka!

Oh.

I'm finished.

(priest speaking native
language)

(sneezing)

The priest has given
his blessing...

...and has signaled

for the ritual of
questions to begin.

Abee.

Question number one.

(speaking native language)

Who is it who is not
your brother...

(speaking native language)

...yet he is your
father's son?

(speaking native language)

(speaking native language)

It is me.

Ibbida.
That is right!

(cheering and applause)

(priest speaking native
language)

MASCHA:
Number two.

(speaking native language)

MASCHA:
What is the greatest gift

one person can give
to another?

(speaking native language)

She said $5,100.

(all sighing)

(speaking native language)

Ibbida.

MASCHA:
That is right.

(cheering and applause)

(speaking native language)

You now have
two right.

(speaking native language)

Get this next
one right...

(priest speaking native
language)

...and I can pronounce
you man and wife.

(speaking native language)

And the joyful dance of
the plumitz will begin.

Latka!

Latka!

Latka!

(speaking native language)

There is a beautiful
baby.

(priest speaking native
language)

MASCHA:
And there is Simka.

(speaking native language)

(speaking native language)

(speaking native language)

A wild boar is
charging.

(speaking native language)

You can save only one.

(speaking native language)

Who do you save?

(whispering)

The kid.

(overlapping chatter)
LOUIE:
Yourself!

(clamoring)

Latka?

(clamoring stops)

Uh...

(speaking native language)

...Simka.

(speaking native language)

(priest speaking native
language)

That was the wrong
answer.

You have failed
the test.

There will be
no wedding.

Grechnipa.
Good-bye.

(all moaning)

Wait! I will not allow this!

What do some ancient
questions have to do

with two people
who love each other?

Latka's my life.

If you will not marry us,

then we will marry
someplace else.

We must be together.

(whispering)

(speaking native language)

That is exactly what the
priest wanted to hear.

(priest speaking native
language)

MASCHA:
That was the
final test.

(speaking native language)

One of them had
to stand up

and demand to
be married.

Latka, Simka...

(speaking native language)

May the stars shine
upon you.

(priest speaking native
language)

And grant you
many children.

(priest speaking native
language)

You are now husband
and wife.

(all cheering)

PRIEST:
Plumitz!

Plumitz, plumitz, plumitz!

(sprightly accordion tune plays)

(rhythmic clapping)

(theme song playing)

WOMAN:
Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)