01x22 - Much Ado During Nothing

[bunniefuu]

[Soul On Radio, Indistinct]

[ Moans]

Oh, God.

Oh, God, Greg, wake up.

- What?

- We fell asleep.

- I know.

You were wonderful.

- [ Shuts Off]

No, I wasn't.

Neitherwereyou.

We fell asleep in the middle.

We what?

Well, not the "middle" middle, the beginning middle.

Eitherway, itwas way ahead ofschedule.

Wow.

So I dreamt all that other stuff?

I think I'm gonna cry.

Dharma, it's okay.

Wewere tired.

Oh, Greg, we're so married.

Doyou wanna try again?

Yes! We have to finish! Come on! Chop, chop! I can't just pick up where we left off.



- I have to start from the beginning.



- Where areyou going?



- Brush my teeth.



- [ Groaning ]

Rememberwhen we were first married, and it didn't matter?

We didn't care?

Okay, well, you were already on yourway.

[ Snores ]

You know, we're

-we're fine.



- Of course we're fine.



- We're fine.

We are Mr.

and Mrs.

Fine.

I mean, I taught three yoga classes yesterday.

I was taking depositions till 1 0:00.



- So we're tired.

So we fell asleep.



- During sex.

During sex.

Lobby ofthe Transamerica Building, noon yesterday.

Bye.

She took our duck.

Why did she take our duck?

Um, it's just a little game we play.

Used to play.

What kind of game?

It's really kind of silly actually.

Whoever has sex in the weirdest place gets to keep the duck.

So how did we get the duck?

Remember that time we did it in the trolley car?

Wait a minute.

We

- We did that to get a duck?

No! No.

We did it 'cause we were newlyweds and we were madly

- Yeah.

Nowyourvictory lap makes sense.



- Areyou mad at me?



- I don't know.

I sure wasn't at the time.

Don't worry.

It'll never happen again.

I mean, 'cause nowJane's got the duck.

And she should, you know because she's young, she's single.

We're married, you know.

I mean, our relationship is way more mature.

I mean, we are more mature.

Go put on something with snaps orVelcro.

We got work to do.

What areyou talking about?

We're gettin' that duck back! Yes! You are the man, Montgomery! You are the man! [ Whooping, Squealing ]

[Man ]

U.

S.

attorney, huh?

Yep.

He knows Janet Reno.

Son of a g*n.

Hey, Lou have we ever caught a U.

S.

attorney making whoopee on the BART before?



- Don't think so.



- Hey, listen.

Could I get a Polaroid ofyou guys?

We kind ofhave this "wackiest collar" contest going.

Sure.

Smile, honey.

This could b*at the streaking rabbi.



- There they are.



- Aw, geez.

Areyou kids okay?



- Sure, yeah.



- Didn't I teach ya to always make a run for it?

We tried, Larry, but, um Greg tripped on his pants, didn't ya, honey?

Well, don't worry, baby.

We'll getyou outta here.

We'd like to post bail, please.

Sure.

Just fill this out.

Wait a minute.

Mel?

Officer Mel?

Abby?

Abby O'Neil?

Yeah! Oh, my God! Look, Larry, it's Officer Mel! Mel, you old pig! How the hell areya?

Freaky Finkelstein!

- Oh, man.

Dharma, doyou remember Officer Mel?



- [Mel]

Oh, no, no.

She's not gonna remember me.

You were breast

-feeding her the last time I arrested you guys.



- Oh, yeah.



- Oh, yeah.



- Hey, was it the antinuke thing?



- No.

It was the pro

-breast

-feeding thing.



- That's right.



- Yeah.

I held you all the way to the station afterwe cuffed your mom.

Isn't that sweet, honey?

You know that little card you have with your baby fingerprints on it?

Mel did that! I love that thing, Mel.

Thankyou.

Hey, listen, I didn't know this was your daughter.

Give me that back.

Your bail is no good here.

Oh, my

- Aw, Mel.



- Thanks.



- Thanks, man.



- Okay, we're outta here, kids.



- Okay.

Well, thanks for everything.

We'll seeya later.



- Greg, say good

-bye.



- Bye.

Hey, listen, listen.

You guys don't have to get arrested to stop in and say hello, you know.

We'll call ya next week.

What ifwe had sex at Fisherman's Wharf?

Fisherman's Wharf.

Let's see.

Yeah.

The police patrols are 1 8 minutes apart.

Eighteen minutes.

I don't know ifthat's, uh, enough time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Save it for your letter to Penthouse, buddy.



- Hey.



- Hey.

What's goin'on?



- We're gettin' that duck back.



- Really?

I thought you gave up on that idea.

No, I, uh, gave up getting arrested.

Here, check this out.

Yeah, this is a highly classified database ofthe San Francisco Police Department.

Really?

How'd you get it?

It was on the Internet.

What about, uh, Haight

-Ashbury?

Nope.

Won't get us the duck back.

Jane's done it there.



- Alcatraz?



-Jane.



- Golden Gate Bridge?



- Twice.

Second time, she kept a guy from jumping.

You know, there's something I really like about thatJane but I can't quite put my finger on it.

Wait a minute.

How did wewin the duck on a lousytrolley car?

She spotted me 1 00 points 'cause itwas you.

Well, how about that?

Your sex handicap's higherthan your golfhandicap.

Hey, honey, how about we do it right in the middle ofyour golf course next Sunday?

Oh, gee, honey, I was kind ofhopin' to play next Sunday.

Okay.

Hey, how about where you work?

Jane.

Oh, sorry.

I was just fantasizing for a second there.

I'm talkin' right in front ofthe courthouse on the steps to the main entrance.

Ooh, I like it.

It's bold, it's daring, it's risky.

So we'll do it at, like, what,

- It's against the rules.



- There are rules?

Yeah.

The duck can't be won between midnight and 8:00 a.

m.

It wouldn't be bold, it wouldn't be daring, itwouldn't be risky.

Okay.

So tryto find someplace thatwould work tomorrow night say 9:00, 1 0:00.

Wait a minute.

Aren'tyou gonna watch the last episode of Seinfield?

Oh, yeah.

Forget that.

Friday night.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Hang on.

Not so fast.

Dharma, I wanna get the duck back as much as you do but everybody in the country is gonna be watching the last episode of Seinfield.



- Exactly.



- Oh! So you're saying

- Butter up your zipper, 'cause tomorrow, we ride.

Hot and Heavy, come in.

This is Emission Control.

Over.

Pete, it was funny the first hundred times.

Now it's over.

Over.



- Are you in launch position?

Over.



- Uh, we're still en route.

Man, is it eerie out here.

There's not a soul in sight, and the show hasn't even started yet.

Over.

I'll keep an eye on it forya, tell you when they go to commercial or a boring part with George's parents.



- Over.



- [Phone Ringing]

Hey, your phone's ringin'.



- Hello?



- Pete, why don't we just use the phone?

'Cause we got walkie

-talkies.

Tell her it's a guy thing.

Over.

Roger on the guy thing.

Over.

Dharma, it's a guy thing.

Okay, I get it.

Over and out.

Dharma, you don't say "over and out" on the phone.

[ Scoffs ]

Girls.

Copy.



- Hey, where's Dharma?



- She's out.

They're both out.



- So what are you doin' here?



- I'm just watchin' the last episode of Seinfield.

Uh

-huh.

What's the walkie

-talkie for?



- It's a dog toy.



- [ Greg ]

We're at the steps ofthe courthouse.

Let us know when it's safe to commence foreplay.

Copy on the foreplay.

Out.

They're going for the duck.

They're using Seinfield as cover, and you're helping 'em.

Wait, wait, wait.

Who are you callin'?

I'm not giving up the duck that easy.

I'm putting a stop to this.

I can't letyou do that.

Yes, you can.

'Cause as soon as I'm offthe phone I seduceyou over to my side.

Okay.

[ Toys Squeaking ]

It's five after 9:00.

Should we just go?



- No.

We're supposed to wait for Pete's signal.



- Well, where is he?

Emission Control, this is Hot and Heavy.

Come in.

Hello, Pete?

Come in.

Pete?

[Audience LaughterOn TV]

Hello, Pete?

Come in.

Touch it, and the fun is over.

Okay.

But how exactly is this seducing me?

You know you love it.

Pete, come in.

Breaker, breaker?

Something's wrong.

Maybe we should bail.

Greg, the streets are still empty.



- What about the cops?



- The cops are all watching Seinfield.

Come on.

Let's go.

Can you believe this?

This whole city is inside watching TV.

I know.

Hey, San Francisco! Must see this! Dharma.

Dharma, let's not push our luck.



- I'm sorry.

I couldn't resist.



- Come on.



- Isn't this so cool?



- I know.

I thinkwe're gonna get awaywith it.

[ Theme ]

[ Laughing ]

Oh, that Kramer.

Oh, man, thatwas close.



- Areyou okay?



- I don't know ifl can do this, Dharma.

Okay, listen to me, Greg.

Imagine that we are on a desert island Iaying on the beach making love while the waves crash over our naked bodies.

Are we wearing sunscreen?

Come on.

Montgomery.

What areyou doin' out here?



- Uh,just, um, trying out our new pool raft.



- [ Forced Chuckle ]



- Why don'tyou try it out in your pool?



- Don't have one.



- Yet.



- Yet.

If

-Ifwe like the raft, we're gonna get the pool.

Uh

-huh.

Areyou okay?



- We're fine.



- Mr.

and Mrs.

Fine.

Don't worry about us.

You don't wanna be late to watch Seinfield.

Yeah, right.

Mywhole family's sitting home watching Seinfield.



- He's a nice guy.

How do you know him?



- He's my new boss.

Harder.

We're gonna do the regular stufftoo, right?

[Kitty]

Edward,you don't have to put moneyin the meter.



- It's after 6:00.



- [Edward]

Well, bettersafie than sorry.

.

What the hell are my parents doing here?

Jane probably called them.



- Why?



- Okay, see, it's called duck

-blocking.



- And you're totally allowed

-

- Will you come on! But I don't understand.

What exactly did the reportersaytoyou?

Well, she said that Greg was going to hold an emergency press conference on the steps of the courthouse.

Obviously, it was a prank call.



- Well, who would have done such a thing?



- Probably Dingdong Dharma.

Did she just call me "Dingdong"?



- Dharma, I thinkwe have bigger problems.



- Oh, sure.

She didn't call you "Dingdong.

"

- You remember the first time we came here?



- What areyou talking about?

We went into that building across the street to get our marriage license.

Then we came back over here and we shared a hot pretzel.

[ Laughing ]

I can't believeyou remember that.

It was one of the best days of my life.

Edward, that is the sweetest thing you have ever said to me.

Oh, you.

Oh, Edward.

That is so cute.

Your parents are totally mashing.

Oh!

- Kitty.

Kitty

-

- Don't worry.

There's nobody about.

Everyone's home watching that show about the Jewish fellow.

[Edward]

Yes, but

-

- [Kitty]

Uh, uh, uh, uh.



- But

-But

- Remember, the best way to spice upyour marriage is to do it someplace where you can get caught.

That's what Dingdong always says.

Okay, that ti me, I defi nitely heard " Di ngdong.

" Well, if I could ever look her in the eye again, I'll yell at her.



- Now, we gotta get outta here!

- I don't thinkwe can without them seeing us.

So I'm supposed to just sit here while my parents are

- I can't even say it.

[Kitty]

Oh, my.

What do we have here?

Fourth Amendment: search and seizure.

Fifth Amendment: self incrimination.

You know what?

I'm gonna forgive your mother for the name

-calling 'cause what they're doing right now is so good for their marriage.

Sixth Amendment: speedy trial.

Seventh Amendment

- [Edward]

Oh, me like.

That's it.

We're gettin' outta here.

[Kitty]

Oh, captain, my captain.

Well, there's still a halfhour left of Seinfield.

Where do you wanna go?

All

-night therapist.

Come on, Greg.

Stop jokin' around.

We're running out oftime.

I don't think I can do this, Dharma.

I'm seriously traumatized.

Fine.

We'll just go home, I guess.



- Thankyou.



- [ Sighs ]

I mean, you know, your parents have a better sex life than ours.

So what?



- Ghirardelli Square.

And I know whatyou're doing.



- Still worked.



- Dharma!

- [ Tires Screeching ]

This isn't leadin' to sex at all, is it?

You never know.

[ Phone Ringing ]

That Kramer.

How does he get himself in situations like that?

Hello?

[ Dharma ]

Excellent gambitwith Greg's parents.

Thankyou.

I was hoping you'd recognize my evil genius.

Nevertheless, we escaped, and your insidious plan has been thwarted.



- Dharma, why areyou talking likeyou're in a bad spy movie?



- It's part ofthe rules.



- Oh.



- [Jane ]

Thwarted?



- I don't think so.

You've been duck

-blocked.



-Au contraire.

We're going to do it in the middle ofGhirardelli Square.



- "Duckmate!"

- Dharma, why did you tell herwhere we're going?

Don't worry.

She'll think I'm lying.

Right now, she's probably on herway to the Golden Gate Bridge.

[ Sinister Laugh ]



- They're going to Ghirardelli Square.



- What makes you think that?

She told me.

Seeya, smoothie.

Hey, wait a minute.

We're not done here.

You got the otherleg.

And sex.

I guess I got the rest of my night planned.



- That Kramer.



- Greg, we only have 1 5 minutes! Where do they come up with this stuff?



- Come on!

- [Theme On TV]

Well, let's get to it.

That's enough foreplay for me.

[Dharma Giggling]

Oh, there's Greg and Dharma.



- [ Greg]

Done!

- [Dharma ]

Done?

Nobodysaid it had to be good.

You're right.

We did it.

We did it really bad, but we did it! Come on.

Let's get dressed.

Hey, where are the raincoats?

They were right here

- Damn you,Jane!

- She took the car!

- Yeah, but she left the duck.

We don't have keys to the duck.

Keep running! [ Screams ]

Hey! Small world.



- Oh, k*ll me.



- k*ll me first.

Hey, you know what, Kitty?

Greg and I worked really hard but I thinkyou guys deserve this.



- What is it?



- It's a duck.

That's not a duck.

It's a goose.

Yes.

But, captain, my captain, goose does not rhyme.

It's 4 to 6 Foot!