01x17 - The Official Dharma & Greg Episode of the 1998 Winter Olympics

[bunniefuu]

Okay, we're all set.

For our first romantic
Valentine's Dayweekend.

[ Both ]
Mmm! Aah!

- Areyou all packed?
- Yep.

- That's all you're bringing?
- Well, I figured...

I probablywouldn't
be wearing much...

since it is our first romantic
Valentine's Dayweekend!

[ Both ]
Mmm! Aah!

Dharma, there's gonna be snow
where we're going.

I know!
I finally get to see snow!

- Thankyou.
- You're welcome.

- But whatever's in there
is not gonna keepyou warm.
- No, but it'll keepyou warm.

You're not
taking this seriously.

Sorry. Boy, I can't wait to go on vacation
and have tons of sex.

- Better?
- Better.

Your, uh, parents are
watching the dogs, right?

[ Whispering ]
Yes. Shh!

Stinky and Nunzio don't know
that we're leaving yet.

- Putyour suitcase in this bag.
- Why?

Because ifthe dogs think
we're taking out the garbage...

theywon't be upset
that we're leaving.

You don't think that they'll put it
together afterwe're gone for two days?

Come on, Greg.
They're just dogs.

[Dharma Clearing Throat]

Gee, Greg, thanks for helping me
take out the trash.

- It sure is a lot.
- Yep.

We'll just, uh, throw it all out
and be right back.

-Yep, be right back.
-You guys want anything from the Dumpster?

Yeah.

- Be right back. All right.
- Think they bought it?

- [Dogs Howling, Whining]
- Nope.

- Now what?
- Go back in, wait an hour, and we'll try again.

Okay. Another miles...

averaging miles an hour...

allowing for one bathroom break,
gets us to the B&B by :.

A little romance,
and dinner at :.

- [ Sighs ]
- [CarPassing]

- Slug Bug!
- Ow!

- What did you do that for?
- It's a game.

Whenever a Volkswagen
Beetle drives by...

- whoever sees it first gets to punch the other guy.
- Oh.

Okay.

- [ CarPassing]
- Whack, whack, Cadillac!

Okay, I get it.

- [ CarPasses ]
- Ford Probe.

No wet willies!

Do you think there's gonna be enough snow
so we can have snowball fights?

I spoke to the guy at the B&B.
He said there's snow everywhere.

[ Sinister Chuckle ]
You are in big trouble, pretty boy.

You know, you're pretty cocky for someone
who's never even made a snowball.

I had a matzo ball fight in a deli once.
How different can it be?

[ Gasps ]

- Wha-What's wrong?
- Quick, pull over.

- What? What?
- There's a dead animal by the side ofthe road.

Oh. Thank God. I thought
there was something wrong.

Something is wrong, Greg.
Something's verywrong. It's dead!

- Back up. We have to bury it.
- You're kidding, right?

Dharma, you know they have guys who
come along and scoop these things up.

It's not a thing, Greg.

It's a beaver or a raccoon
or a really giant squirrel.

I could tell better
ifhe had a head.

The point is, he's one of our fellow
creatures, and he deserves a proper burial.

Fine, but we're gonna be late.
We're definitely gonna be late.

- Late for our first romantic
Valentine's Dayweekend.
- Dharma, not here.

[ Both ]
Mmm! Aah!

[ Gasps ]
Greg, there's his head!

- Dharma-
- Greg, Greg, Greg-

All right. You got him.
Don't let him go. Finish him off.

Larry, that's enough C-Span
for one day.

- Hey.
- Come on. Help me sort this stuff out.

- All right.
- [Phone Ringing]

- I got tags-
- Whoop, whoop.

- Yello.
- Gregory, it's your father.

- It's Larry.
- It's Edward.

There's no Edward here.
Sorry.

[Phone Beeping]

- Okay. I got these tags-
- [Phone Ringing]

- Yello.
- Finkelstein, it's Edward Montgomery.

Oh, hey, Ed.
What's up?

- Is Gregory there?
- Who is it?

- Edward.
- Edward?

Yep. What's up, Ed?

Is Gregory there?
I need the address of a restaurant.

- He's looking for Greg.
- Greg's not here.

He's not here, Ed.

Wait. Ask them ifthey have anything theywanna
donate to the animal shelter swap meet.

Okay. Ed, doyou guys want to get in
on a swap- that Abby's putting together?

What? I can't hearyou.
What?

- [ Static ] You know, a swap- swapping-
- What? What?

- Hello? Hello?
- Hello? Hello?

- Hello!
- Hello!

- What was that all about?
- Gregory's not there...

and the Finkelstein's wanna know ifwe're
interested in some sort ofswapping.

- Swapping what?
- I have no idea.

Edward, you don't suppose
they meant wives, doyou?

- What areyou talking about?
- Wife swapping.

For sex. It's all part of
their free-love philosophy.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

That is exactlywhy I want
you to come to my book club...

so thatyou're aware
ofthese sorts ofthings.

You're saying Larry Finkelstein
wants to have sex with you?

- Yes.
- [ Laughing ]

- What's so funny?
- Oh, nothing.

You're a beautiful woman
and all men wantyou.

Is that good enough,
or should we stop at a jewelry store?

You better stop.

Oh, look,
there's a historical marker.

"On this site in "-

somethin' happened.

Must have been pretty good for them
to put up that fancy statue.

Ooh, a fruit stand.

Hey, do you wanna stop
and get some apple... cider?

Honey, I'm just tryin' to make up some time
so we can get to the B&B before sunset.

- Why?
- Because there's a breathtaking view...

ofthe sunset from
the statelyverandah.

Honey, a sunset is breathtaking
whereveryou are.

Dharma, will you just, uh,
please go with me on this?

- [Siren Wailing]
- Oh, great!

Oh, yeah, soyou'll stop for him
but not for me.

Wow. That sunset sure takes
your breath away, doesn't it?

I tried to tell him that.

Hello, Abby?
It's Kitty Montgomery.

- Oh, hi, Kitty.
- [Kitty] Uh, listen.

[ Chuckling ]
You know, Larry and Edward spoke...

and I think there's
some sort of confusion.

You didn't invite us to participate
in some sort of a, uh, swap, did you?

Absolutely.
It's always more fun with new people.

-There are going to be other people there?
-As many as we can get.

Of course,
I assure you, Kitty...

once the g*ng gets a load ofyour goodies,
you're gonna be very busy.

Uh-

Dear God. Um, Abby...

we are not
the sort of people who swap.

Don't let the word confuse you. No, no, what
you're really doing is selling your stuff.

- Money is exchanged?
- Uh-huh.

And everybody makes out. But, of course,
no one more than the animals.

They're the real reason
we're doing this.

- Hello? Hello?
- [ Phone Clicking ]

Ooh, it's kind of cute!

No, this- this...
can't be it.

Look at the brochure.
We're supposed to be surrounded...

by snowcapped peaks, sitting on
a statelyverandah, sipping hot cider.

Well, we can run across to that -Eleven
and get a couple ofSlurpees.

- No. No, Dharma. Come on. Let's go.
- [Doorbell Rings ]

- We're not staying.
- I just rang the doorbell.

- I'm not gonna ding-dong ditch.
- [Dogs Barking]

[ Woman ]
Regis, Kathie Lee, stopyelping.

And, Regis, stop that.
You're gonna lick herstitches out again.

[ Door Opens ]

Oh, are you here for the box turtles
or the bed and breakfast?

The bed and breakfast.
We're the Montgomerys.

- Oh, I'm delighted to see you.
- Ohh!

- I'm Alice.
- We're delighted to seeyou too.

You're a little late
for the sunset toast...

butyou can sit right here
on the verandah...

and watch the moon rise
from behind the Texaco star.

- That sounds romantic.
- Uh, ho-hold on a second.

I downloaded your brochure
offthe Internet...

and, uh, this is, um,
nothing likeyourWeb site.

Oh, my son made this. Oh.

Well, I can see that he did
gild the lily a bit.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, isn't this sweet?
"Exquisite dining."

Hejust loves
his mama's cooking.

Now, you come along with me,
and I'll showyou toyour cottage.

- Hey, how much are the box turtles?
- That depends.

Doyou want them
for pets or for soup?

This is bad.

This is so bad.

I just wanna make sure
thatyour room is ready.

Really bad.

Come on, Greg.
It's adorable.

- It's like a big baked potato.
- [Knocking]

Kenny, the guests
showed up after all.

Get the pool raft
and go sleep in the garage.

[DoorOpens ]

Welcome to the Red Rose Inn...

where your pleasure
is our business.

Is this your first time
at the Red Rose Inn?

Does anybody come twice?

Yes. This is
our first trip.

Okay, then you'll need instructions
on the chemical toilet.

You pump twice,
then you doyour business...

then you pump again
to make sure that the coast is clear.

- [ Mutters ]
- Please enjoyyour complimentary
bottle of pink champagne.

Feel free
to use the computer.

The, uh, password
is [ Whispers ] "Kenny."

[ Whispers ]
"Kenny."

And, of course, uh,
here's the bed.

[ Laughing ]

I'm sureyou know
how to use that.

Kenny, could you excuse us
for a minute, please?

Oh, wow.

You don't have to
tell me twice.

Come on.
Let's get outta here.

Don't worry
about the gratuity.

I'm the proprietor.

[DoorOpens, Closes ]

We can't just walk out now.
Look at all the trouble theywent to.

I don't care. We're in a trailer
in somebody's backyard!

So what? We'll just pretend
it's a cozy little cottage.

But it's not a cozy cottage.
It's Kenny's room.

Come on, Greg.
Just relax and go with it.

No! It could be romantic...

in a goofy kind ofway
ifwe just give it a chance.

Dharma,
how can this be romantic?

[ Clears Throat ]
Like this.

[Kenny]
Mama, theydon't want dinner.

They're doin' it!

Edward, you didn't say anything
to give them the impression...

that we would engage in this
sort of activity, did you?

Yes, dear. I told them
we were both hot to trot.

[ Scoffs ]

Every time I close my eyes,
I see him unhitching that macramé belt.

Why can't you put this
out ofyour mind?

Of all the people in the world, we are not
going to swing with the Finkelsteins.

Areyou implying there are
some people we would swing with?

- Oh, no, no, no. Of course not. Don't be silly.
- Well-

- Thankyou.
- You're welcome.

[ Sighs ]
Oh, Lord.

Of course, the Beitermeyers
are a fairly handsome couple.

Are you serious?

John Beitermeyer
is entirely devoid of chin.

Now- Now,
David and Anna Collins-

Anna Collins?
That woman's a Clydesdale.

Of course, the Hippelwhites-
Now, that's a couple.

True. They're very fit.

- Tan too.
- Mm-hmm.

So, this is your first
Valentine's Day as a couple.

- I had a girlfriend once.
- Kenny, we're not talking about you now, are we?

No, actually, Mrs. Binns, I would like
to talk toyour son for a minute.

- Kenny, um, did you make this brochure?
- Yes, sir.

Thepicture on the brochure ofithe Victorian
house with the gables and the verandahs-

- Where did you get that?
- Magazine.

You can't just do that.

Can with a photo scanner.

No. We came here
specifically to be...

in a beautiful place with snow,
because mywife has never seen snow.

You've misrepresented everything.
This brochure is all lies!

Kenny, bite that quivering lip.
You've got this coming, you know.

- Don'tyell at him.
- He deserves to beyelled at.

He's got to know that he did
something wrong. If not for us...

then for the next people who pay $
a night to stay in this dump.

It's not a dump.
It's my room!

I guess I don't need to tell you
he was a colicky baby.

Oh, and to make it
up toyou...

I'll giveyou an extra night
forjust halfthe price.

- Thankyou.
- [DoorCloses ]

You go out there right now
and you apologize.

- Apologize?
- Yes, Greg. Theywere trying to be...

hospitable to us,
and you completely insulted them.

Dharma, what about us?
Look around. Lookwhat happened...

to ourvery first romantic
Valentine's Dayweekend.

- Don'tyou dare twirl in my arms.
- I wasn't planning on it.

You wanna know what happened
to our romantic weekend?

- I'll tell you. You ruined it.
- I ruined it?

Yes, Greg, you, with your schedule
and your brochure...

and all ofyour expectations
about how everything's supposed to go...

according to
some master plan.

I did that soyou
would have a good time.

Greg,
I've got news foryou.

I've been having
a good time.

And I was hoping that before the end
ofthe weekend, you'd join me.

- [Rumbling]
- Oh, my God.

- What's that, an earthquake?
- No, we're moving.

I don't believe it. He's kidnapping us!
You still think they're nice folks?

All right. I admit
he's overreacting a little...

butwhat he's overreacting to
is you yelling at him.

- Kenny, stop this thing right now!
- Thereyou go again!

You're supposed toyell
when you're being kidnapped!

That's why they usually
put duct tape on your mouth!

- Where areyou going?
- I'm gonna go out that door...

crawl along the roof ofthe trailer,
jump into the pickup truck...

and very quietly,
withoutyelling...

b*at little Kenny
to a pulp.

[Horn Honking]

I'll wait till
he stops for gas.

[ Groans ]

- Hey, Dharma, wake up.
- Mmm.

- What?
- We're not moving.

I don't believe it.

[ Gasps ]
It's snow!

[ Gasps, Screams ]

"Sorry, I lied. Hope this
makes it better. Kenny.

PS: Make sure the trailer is level
before using the chemical toilet."

- Hey, Greg.
- What?

Duck!

Okay. [Laughing]
Hey, Dharma?

- What?
- Guess what this is?

[ Squeals ] It's our first romantic
Valentine's Dayweekend.

[ Screams, Spits ]

- Sucker!
- That's it!

[ Screams ]
I loveyou.

[ Screaming ]

[ Woman On TV]
Can't look at-

All right.
Listen here.

Our children are married,
and there is the possibility...

thatwewill know each other
forthe rest of our lives.

So, I'm going tosaythis-
I'm onlygoing to sayit once.

Under no circumstances
are Edward and I...

ever going to have sex
with the two ofyou.

Do you understand?

- Yes.
- Yeah, I think so.

Edward.

But thankyou
for thinking of us.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

It's to Foot!