05x01 - Love Un-American Style

[bunniefuu]

(theme song playing)

(laughter)

Here is your
lunch, my Latka.

Now I will go to make
our apartment a home

and watch Richard Simmons

so my body will be lean
and supple for your return.

I shall fly through my day
knowing what awaits me.

And I shall puke my guts out...

...if you don't knock it off.

Louie is angry

because he does not
have what we have.

A green card?

He needs somebody to love.

Get out of here with the...

And soon, he will have somebody.

You all will.
ALEX:
Hey,

what's this all about?

Okay, please,
listen very carefully.

It's difficult to explain.

Wow. Sounds
serious.

It is.

I'm going to tell you
about the shloogel.

(Alex laughs)

Shloogel.

(laughs)

The shloogel is one
of our most sacred traditions.

Oh.

Don't laugh again.

A shloogel is the ceremony

where a newly married couple
shares their elation

by introducing
their closest friends

to the man or woman
so perfect for them

that they will fall so in love,

they will never want to part.

Oh.
(laughs)

Sounds like a
group blind date.

(Alex laughs)

It's not a blind date, Reiger.

Okay.

It's nothing
like a blind date.

Right.

I have been looking for people
for two months now,

and I have found them.

Oh, I have such a wonderful man
for you, Elaine.

Yes! And Louie?

Yeah?

Perfect.

Yeah?

Tony, wait till you see her.

Ooh, ooh!

Surprise, surprise, Jim.

And Alex...

Now hold it
right there.

You sound very
sure of yourself.

Well, like many people
from my country,

I am born with the gift
to match people.

Comes to us naturally
as eating,

sleeping
and disemboweling sheep.

I'm free.

I'm there.
I'm going.

Hey. Great.

I'll go if
Alex goes.

I'm not going.

Well, I sure am.

I'm not gonna
pass this up.

That's it.
I'm going.

Alex, what are you
talking about?

You got to go.
It'll be fun.

(overlapping chatter)

Come on, I don't want
to go!

No, I'm sorry,

but, uh, in this country,

there are still a few of us
who believe in romance

and chance encounters
and that old black magic.

And, yes, I like to think
of myself as someone

who will fight any tradition
that denies individual choice.

(speaking native language)

See, this shows
how good Simka is.

That's exactly
what your date said.

She did?

(speaking native language)

Be there
or be square.

Everybody take
a load off.

Now the introductions.

SIMKA:
Hey.

(clears throat)

Tony Banta,
this is Vicki Destefano.

Tony, describe for us,
if you will...

How you doing?

...your perfect woman.

Well, blond,
feminine, leggy.

But who cares
about looks?

I mean, uh...

No. Look... Who
cares about looks?

Oh, the most
important thing is

that they have a
great personality.

Vicki, now you describe
your perfect man.

It ain't
this meatball.

What was that
supposed to mean?

You heard me.

Yeah, I know I
heard you, but...

Now there will be plenty of time
for that later.

All right, now Elaine Nardo,

this is Arnie Ross.

Hello. How do you do?

Elaine, we know that you
usually date the type

that's hard to catch.

You know, lady K*llers,

handsome rogues
who can wrap women

around their
little finger.

So they found you one.

You are next, Jim.

Oh, finally.

LATKA:
Hey, Jim,

what is your all-time
favorite TV comedy show?

Oh, that's easy.

Uh, The Bob Newhart Show.

Are you a fan of The Bob...?

Oh!

Oh!

Why, you're Carol,
played by Marcia Wallace.

And-And you're...?

Jim Ignatowski
as himself.

I bet you're curious
how we got a such a big star

like Marcia Wallace
for you, Jim.

I'm curious.

I'm mystified.

Tell him, Marcia.

I wanted a date.

Louie De Palma,

this is Judy Griffith.

(sighs)

Very nice
to meet you.

Very nice to meet you.

How come my date's blind?

Glaucoma.

Oh, you-you think that
Simka picked a blind girl

so she could
not see you?

The thought did cross my mind.

You may be right.

All right, Alex Reiger,

Susan McDaniel.

Hi.

Hi.

What are you doing, Latka?

Uh, I'm going to write down
the first words

you say to each other so in case

you want to repeat them
to your grandchildren.

Hello, grandchildren.

Simka?

What?

Great shloogel!

I know.

? Love ?

? Exciting and new ?

? Come aboard ?

? We're expecting you ?

? And love ?

? Life's sweetest reward... ?

That's a... that's a
pretty outfit you got on.

Thank you.

Who picked it
out for you?

I made it myself.

(laughs)

No, I'm serious.

(laughs)

What a wise-ass.

Blind people can do
all sorts of things.

Archery?

(laughs)

(laughs)

I think I may like you, Louie.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

When will you know?

When I decide

whether you're acting this way
because you sense

that I hate to be pitied,
or you're just gross.

(laughs)

Well, maybe it would help

if you told me a little
something about yourself.

Well, there's not
much to tell.

At the moment, uh,

I'm sitting here, uh,

picturing you, uh, naked.

What?

You know, I have never
said anything like that

in my entire life,
but I made up my mind

that tonight, I was not
gonna p*ssy-foot around

like I always do and
then go home afterwards

and think about all the
things that I should have said.

At least, if I'm
gonna strike out,

I'm gonna go
down fighting.

So, good night and
thank you very much.

Wait. Wait a minute.
Wait. No, no, no.

Sit down.

Oh, good.

You're gonna
prolong my agony.

Ah, come on.

Just do that laugh you did
on the Christmas show.

When there was eggnog
in the water cooler?

Oh, all right.

Uh, remember,
you were drunk.

Mm.

(laughing)

Ah!

And you never won an Emmy?

Hey, what's it to you
how I drink my beer?

Hey, I don't care how
you drink your beer.

Drink it any
way you like.

I just thought
it, uh...

it didn't look
very ladylike.

How come every slob
who manages

to wipe the spit off his face
thinks he knows

how a lady should act?

What are you smiling about?

You remind me
of my mom.

What kind of a
childhood did you have?

Nice.

And you loved your mother
and father?

I loved my parents.

And you had a great relationship
with your brother and sister?

Right.
(laughs)

And half the football team.

Oh, just kidding.

Oh.
Just having
a little fun.

(laughs)

You're wonderful.

You're absolutely
wonderful.
Oh.

She's absolutely wonderful.

You know, you haven't told me
anything about yourself.

Yes, I have.

I told you all about how
ineffectual I am with women.

(chuckling):
Oh.

No, but I haven't told
you the one thing

that makes women really
come running after me

like pussycats in
a tuna factory.

(chuckles)

Oh, I know.

It's because you
listen so well

and because you're genuinely
concerned for children.

No, it's because
I'm incredibly rich.

Hot dog, huh, honey?

I think it's terrible
that you think

money is the reason
women respond to you.

Believe it or not, I have been
having a lovely time tonight

because you are so, uh--

y-you seem so decent
an-and unusual a-and dear

and because...

Woody Allen
has conditioned us

to reevaluate our concept
of male beauty.

You seem to be saying
that you, you like me...

Yes.
...for myself.

Yes, that's right.
Irrespective of the money.

Absolutely.

Good, because I lied
about the money.

Arnie!

I don't want to
embarrass you, but, uh,

I think you're fantastic.

I mean, you're not
only beautiful...

you act like you don't even
know you're beautiful.

You know,
somehow I, uh,

I forgot what it was to feel

the way I feel now
about meeting somebody new.

What a difference a couple
of hours can make, huh?

Suddenly I'm afraid of dying.

Thank you.

That's... that's always nice
to hear.

(laughs)

(laughs)

You're wonderful,
you're wonderful.

She is absolute-- abso--

You're absolutely wonderful.

True, I-I can't really
enjoy a painting,

but I have
a greater enjoyment of things

that appeal
to the other senses--

listening to music,
eating fine food, making love.

Whoo.

Oh, you assumed
because I'm blind

that I'm not interested

in what other women
are interested in.

N-No, I meant "whoo,"

like when a guy
hits the jackpot.

More wine?

Ah, no thanks.

I'll just finish
what I have in my glass.

Oh, okay.

(chuckles)

Good ears,
good ears.

How come, out of 142
Bob Newhart Show episodes,

covering the years
1972-78...

(clearing throat)

...only 39 stories
were about you?

Well, I wasn't the
star of the show.

Really?

Who was the star
of the show?

Bob Newhart.

Yeah, that's why they called
it The Bob Newhart Show.

(gasps)

This is fascinating.

This is just the kind of stuff
I was hoping we'd get into.

(clears throat)

Do you mind if I ask you
something else?

No, not at all.

I would be honored
if you would become my wife.

(laughing)

(both laughing)

You're not serious.

Why?

Well, you know, if
you were serious,

this would just
be too bizarre.

Uh... do you like
bizarre?

Well...

Uh, actually
I do, yes.

No, no, but wait.

No, you're getting
ahead of yourself,

far ahead
of yourself.

I-I'm sorry.

It's just that
a long time ago,

I fell in love
with someone

who used to get coffee
for Bob and Jerry,

and now she's here,

and she's real,

and she's more beautiful
than I ever thought possible.

Golly, Jim.

I know.

Come on.

I mean, look,

if the guy doesn't have
the talent,

the least he should do
is hire a manager

to point out
the obvious things.

Oh, yeah,
like what?

Like dropping
your left.

I don't drop
my left.

(muttering):
I don't know what
you're talk...

Show me your stance.

Come on.

Show me your stance.

(sarcastically):
I'll show you my stance.

All right,
here's my stance.

Okay.

Yeah, just like-- yeah.
Okay.

You know,
you're great.
(laughs)

You know, with a little bit
more leverage out of this leg,

and if you threw
it like this...
(screams)

I hit her, I hit her.

Tommy, I need some ice.

Vicki, Vicki,
are you all right?

Are you all right,
Vicki?

Yeah.

I'm lucky you're a bum.

I'm gonna take a big
chance with you right now.

Bigger than the ones
you've already taken?

Oh...

Okay, excuse me, everyone.

Uh, it is almost 1:00,
and the shloogel must end.

ELAINE:
Aw...

Can't we bend tradition a
little and stay a while?

Tradition has nothing
to do with it.

Tommy is kicking us out

and we only have time for
the last ritual of the evening.

What's that?

Paying the check.

All right, who had the pizza?

Oh, we did.

Oh, no, no.

All right, come on,
let's get out of here.

I'll lead you home.

(chuckles)

Thank you.

Do you two like
each other?

Yeah, yeah.

(chuckles)

Yeah, we might
get serious.

Before you know it,

she'll be taking me
home to meet the dog.

(laughs)

(indistinct chatter)

Good night.
Oh, Latka, Simka,
thanks for everything.

Thanks.
Thank you very much.

Let's go dancing at the Big Sky.

The Big Sky's a dive.

Let's go
to the Parrot Room.

The Parrot Room?

Yeah.
Are you nuts?

You know, you've got
some mouth on you.

Oh, come on.

Come here.
(laughing):
Get your hands off me!

TONY:
You love it, you love it.

Two for two.

Good night, Latka.
Good night.

Good night, honey, bye.
Good night, Elaine.

ARNIE:
Good night.

(chuckles)

Good night.

Look, if she says anything
about me tomorrow,

please let me know,
even if it's negative.

Will you stop it
with that stuff?

It's not going to be negative.

Aw...

You know...

(clears throat)

...I wrote a lyric
to your theme song.

Uh, Jim, could we just, you
know, spend five minutes

without talking about
The Newhart Show?

Good.
Okay.

(indistinct chatter)

Nice to meet you;
I had a real nice time.

Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.

Oh, all right,
sing it, you big lug.

? Here comes Bob and Carol ?

? His wife Emily
really likes him ?

? He has funny people
in his group. ?

Catchy.
Thanks.

This was the best night
I've ever had.

Jim.
Thank you.

BOTH:
? Here comes Bob and Carol ?

? His wife Emily
really likes him... ?

They are singing.

Looking good, Latka.

Good night.

LATKA & SIMKA:
Good night.

Listen, maybe, uh,

maybe you can tell him that
I'm not really interested.

Hey, come on,
just let me drive you home.

Oh, no, that's okay,
I'll just get a cab.

I am a cab.

Well... oh...

Thank you, uh, good night.

Good night, Simka.

Good night.

Oh, boy, you really know
how to throw a shloogel.

I tell you,
that was a real barn burner.

You know, everybody
fell happily in love.

Everyone turned out
just splendidly...

except Alex, but I think
he'll recover one day.

What do you think, Simka?

I think we're all going to die.

I think love is an illusion.

I think we failed with Alex,
who laughed at our traditions.

And he was right because that
girl will never see him again.

And so we are
frauds, my darling.

Oh.

Too bad.

Damn right, too bad.

Well, good night.

Night.

(sighs)

Well, ordinarily I'd ask you
for your phone number,

but I'd feel kind of silly
asking for that now,

so I'll just...

settle
for the first four digits.

You laughed.

That was funny.

I'm sorry.

Have you ever been
in a terrible mood all day

and then got a headache

and cramps,

and then had some guy start
to fall in love with you?

Sounds rough.

5552.

Is that the first four?

Mm-hmm.

And the last three are 437.

(chuckles)

(theme song playing)

WOMAN:
Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)

(theme song playing)

Oh... Oh, no, no, no.

No, I... No,
I understand.

Yeah. All right, good-bye.

Banta, Nardo? Reiger, Reiger?

ELAINE:
What?
ALEX: Hmm?

Come over here.
Come over here.