05x05 - Scenskees from a Marriage: Part 2

[bunniefuu]

(theme song playing)

CINDY (on phone):
Louie, I hit some ice
and I spun off the road.

I can't get the cab started.

The window's broken
and I'm freezing.

I'm on an unmarked country road.

She's doomed.

Louie, I know
where this woman is.

It's right near the farm

where Simka and I
buy our goat knuckles.

Oh, oh, oh...

Well, maybe you can do
something with this cab.

I'll, I'll take a look.

(starter cranking,
engine stalling)

Oh, I think I know
what the problem is.

What?

Winter.

(wind howling)

It's a very simple
choice, Latka.

Either you have sex with me
or you freeze to death.

Sex. Death.

Sex. Death.

Hmm.

Why don't you tell me
a little bit about yourself?

It-it happened when Cindy and I
were waiting to be rescued.

Yeah?

This will destroy Simka.

I don't know.
What should I do?

Well, uh...

You're not going to
tell her, are you?

I have to.

She knows me so well,
she will know. Believe me.

No, no, no, no, Latka.

You can't hurt her
just so you should feel

a little less guilty. I mean,
th-the bigger thing here

is to, is to spare Simka.

Yes. That's right.

The only decent thing
to do is to deceive her.

Whew!

(door opening)

Hi, honey. I'm home.

Latka, I am so happy, I...

You did it with
another woman!

I'm sorry I hurt you.

We must go to the priest.

You must confess your sin.

And whatever he advises,
we must obey.

And so, Simka, nik-nik,

Latka lavorshney.

So, Simka must sin
with someone Latka works with.

You mean to tell me,

you're going to sleep
with one of my friends?

Baby, you're the greatest.

Look how you can sleep.

My little fool who has
brought us to the brink of ruin.

What kind of dreams
can you have

while I stand here suffering,
the innocent victim?

What kind of slumber
is this that...

Don't worry. I am awake.

Simka.

Simka, which one
of my dear friends

are you going
to sleep with?

I can't pick. You pick.

No, you pick.

I can't pick.

I can't pick.
What does it matter?

It's all a disgrace.

All right.

I will pick.

Okay.

But if it's Louie,

will you still love me
when I've lost my mind?

All right, maybe not Louie.

Uh... how about Tony?

Fine.

Tony.

I must debase myself
with someone with arms of steel.

I don't think
Tony is such a good idea.

I-I don't know
who is a good idea.

Alex is nice.

Not so nice.
He's a stranger to me.

Well, then you can look
at this as a chance

to get to know him better.

Latka, it is impossible
for either of us to pick.

We will let the fates decide.

We will pick as we would
in the old country.

We'll have a dinner party,

invite everyone,

and whoever is the last man to
enter, that will be the one.

Oh...

You mean the way
we elect our president?

Exactly.

(Louie groaning
and shivering)

(sighs)

(Louie sighs)

How would you like to warm me,
my little Arctic fox?

Louie, leave me alone.

Oh, Nardo,
you're a lucky woman.

Why?

Because you're a cab driver,
and there's a blizzard.

I love it.

Ah, kicking up those
sheets of slush...

"Watch out, Grandma."

(imitates slush spraying)

Ah, I wish I was going out
with all my cabbies.

With Nardo and Banta

and Dancer and Prancer...

Oh, excuse me.
I'm a little giddy.

Alex, Tony, Jim, Louie,

could you please come over here?

Why don't you
come over here?

Oh, good idea.

Good news, everybody.

You're all invited
to my house

for a party
at the end of the shift.

Sorry, Latka. I can't come.

I'm working, you know,
a double shift tonight.

But that's okay, Elaine.
It's not for you.

Oh.

It's going to be
a very special party.

It's going to be
a wonderful party.

It's going to be the best party
you ever been to.

(voice cracking):
Dress...

is informal.

You all know the address.

(sobbing)

I'm looking forward
to seeing you all there.

(sobbing)

Are you guys going to go?

Why not?

I could use a good time.

LATKA:
Maybe no one will come,
and then the priest will say

that you don't have
to go through with this.

Yes, I still believe a
miracle like that can happen.

(knocking at door)

Don't get my
hopes up no more.

Listen, there is nothing
to worry about.

The only one to count
is the last one in.

This one is out of the running.

Please be Louie.
Please be Louie.

Please be Louie.
Please be Louie.

Louie!

Hey!

Hey! Hey, Latka.

Good to see you.
Come in, come in.

Uh, look,
I'm double-parked.

I just stopped up to tell you

that I'll be right back
as soon as I find a space, okay?

Hey, Tone.

Hey. What do you say, Lou?

Oh, the one, the good-looking
one with the chest of granite

is early, honey.

Hey. Hey, Latka.
How are you doing?

So, how's it going?

Shh.

Thanks for coming.

Thanks for having me.

Shh!

(knocking at door)

SIMKA: Ooh,
I can't stand it.

LATKA:
Maybe it will
be Louie,

and then you don't have
to worry about it being Louie.

Hey, can I ask
a question?

You got any pretzels?

(knocking at door)

I hope the boss isn't too mad.

I just b*at him
out of a parking space.

Hey, how's it going?

Shh!

I sure like dinner parties.

It's one of the
few real occasions

you get to be formal
and ill at ease.

SIMKA:
It's either Alex
or Louie.

Whoever it's not,
is the one.

(knocking)

Hi.

Hi, there.

It's Louie.

Hi, Louie.

Come on. Get out
of the way.
What are you
pushing for?

You want to go ahead
of me, go ahead.

What are you gonna do,

stand in the door
like a statue?

I don't like to be pushed,
that's all.

Well, get out
of the way, then!

Okay, you want
to go ahead, go ahead.

You took my parking.
Somebody took my
parking space!

You want to go in,
go in.

LOUIE:
Well, go on in, then!

Look, go ahead.

All right, I'll go in.

It's Alex.

That's what I thought, too,
but apparently it's Louie.

ALEX:
Nice to see you, Simka.

(groans)

I am sure you
all understand

that in light
of the circumstances,

Simka and I would
like to be alone.

Alex... we will get
in touch with you later.

Thank you all
for coming.

That's it?

Yes. Good night.

They sure make
entertaining seem easy.

Hi, Elaine.

Simka, hi.

Hi. I was hoping
you would be here.

I was hoping
I'd catch you.

Oh, well, great.
Yeah.

I was just, uh,

on my way to visit
a friend of my husband's

for a certain purpose,

and I thought maybe
I would walk a little more

and see if you were
here. Here you are.

Oh, good!

Thank goodness.

Uh... what's up?

Oh, nothing's up.
I just thought we'd chat.

Oh. So, there's nothing wrong?

Oh, everything's fine.

I just thought we'd jaw some.

Oh, good.
Come on. Sit down.

Okay.

Oh, so, uh... so what do
you want to talk about?

Well... just one girl
to another, Elaine--

are you religious?

Oh, well, um...

well, yeah, in a way.

My parents are very
religious, so I...

Why is that such
a tricky question?

I don't know.

Now you ask me if I'm religious.

Are you religious, Simka?

For sure.

If you were religious,
and you believed in the beauty

and the spiritual nature
of your faith...

but then your spiritual advisor
told you to do something

that would just make
your flesh crawl,

what would you do?

I'd get another
spiritual advisor.

American girls--
that is the stuff.

"Watch out, baby,
here we come!"

It's not so simple for me.

Let's just talk about men.

Something less
tricky, right?
(chuckles)

For instance, what is Tony like?

Oh, Tony, he's the best.

What's Alex like?!

Why are you shouting?

I'm not shouting.

Yes, you are; you said,
"What's Alex like?!"

Is he a nice guy?

Why don't you just tell me
what you want to know?

I was wondering...

about you and Alex.

Did you?

Um...

(chuckles)

Ooh... um...

(laughs)

Simka, to tell you the truth,

I'd say "no" no matter
what the truth was.

Thank you for leveling with me,
Elaine.

Simka...

what is going on?

Nothing.
It does not make any difference.

Whatever I do, my life will be
miserable for as long as I live,

if I'm unlucky enough
to live long.

And what is this wretched curse
that contaminates

my one life on the Earth?!

Simka, what's going on?

Nothing.
It's just girl talk, Elaine.

I'm going
to be going now.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Where are you going?

I don't know, to the movies
or to the gallows, maybe.

But I tell you something,
Elaine,

we must do this more often.

Bye.

Bye.

(knocking)

Oh, Simka, hello.

What are you doing here?

Well, you see, because Latka
has had sex with someone

he works with, our priest

has said that I also
must have sex

with someone
he works with,

if we wish to
remain married.

And we decided that the last man

to enter the dinner party
would be the one.

And as you know, you were tardy.

May I come in?

Yeah. I-I don't think
I understand any of this,

but come in.

I suppose you want to have
someone to talk to, right?

Talk is cheap.

I want your body.

(chuckles)

You're not serious,
are you?

It won't take long.

I know you have
to go to work soon.

I just want to have sex with
you, and then I'll run along.

No, no, no, Simka.
Stop this.

Stop, stop it
right now, stop it!

Alex, if you do not help us,

Latka and I must circle
each other once

and complete
the ancient divorce ritual.

And I will do
anything to keep
that from happening.

See?
Smooth, milky white-- yours.

No, no, Simka, Simka!

That's barbaric, you know that?

Are you telling me that
in that religion of yours,

that, uh, two wrongs
actually make a right?

"In that religion of yours"?

Do you mock us?

Do I mock you
because you do
not eat animals

with cloven hooves unless
they chew their cud? No!

Your people knew
that it was unhealthy.

Please, Simka...

And our people know
that you cannot have
intimacy again

without knowing
the pain of infidelity

that the other one
went through.

Ours, like yours, is
a profound tradition

of tolerance,
brotherhood
and faith!

Now, peel me like a grape
so I can get out of here.

You can't actually
tell me

that cheating
on Latka is gonna do

anything but make
things worse.

It is not bad enough
I have to be here,

now you're playing
hard to get?

You want to be seduced?

Okay.

Oh... I never felt
like this before!

My legs are like
jelly, oh!

You make me feel
like a little girl!

You make me feel
like a woman!

You make me feel
like a flying horse!

What do you want?!
What do you want?!

Sanity. Sanity.

Just one moment
of sanity, that's all.

Sanity.

Alex... please,

you have to help me.

Otherwise, Latka and I will
really have to get a divorce.

Simka, I am not going
to make love to you.

I'm sorry.

I'm gonna take you home.

Listen, it's, uh...
it's cold.

Better button up.

Okay.

Oh, I'm glad
to see you, Alex.

I stayed with Latka
because apparently he...

he has some trouble,

and I only wish
I could follow it.

It seems...

No, Jim, Jim, Jim,
don't worry about it.

Everything is
all right now.

Alex, Simka and I are
both grateful to you.

Now get out of my
sight, you swine.

I have bad news
for you, my darling.

I have been
faithful to you.

Oh, no!

Now this is where
I get confused.

If I can get over this part,

I know I can help him.

Yeah, Jim, just hold it.

So we must part now forever,
my beloved.

Latka! Latka, you're not going

to go through with this,
are you?

Alex, we must.
It is the only way.

Are you ready
to complete the circle?

I must take one last look
at you as my wife.

Simka,
you will always have my heart.

I don't need it without you.

I will miss you.

I will miss your touch.

I will miss the children
we could have had together.

Good-bye, Latka.

Are they unhappy...

...b-because
they got divorced?

Yeah.

Why don't they just
get married again?

It's not that
simple, Jim.

You think they'd go
through this kind of hell

if they could
just marry again?

We must seek the
Reverend Gorky right away!

Jim, thank you!

Mwa!

Thank you very much.

Let's try to make it work
this time.

Piece of cake.

(theme song playing)

WOMAN:
Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)