05x09 - Travels with My Dad

[bunniefuu]

(theme song playing)

Iggy.

Iggy! Igg!

What?

Look, I've got to go
to the storeroom

to take inventory. Now...

I want you to do something
for me while I'm gone.

You want me?

Boss! Oh!

Igg! Igg, Igg,
Igg, Igg.
Oh, boss.

Igg!
Boss.

Iggy, Iggy, all right.

Igg, Igg, relax.
Relax, relax.

Relax, Igg.
Forgive me, boss.

It's just that
you never asked me

to do anything
for you before.

All right, now,
here it is.

All right...

Now, Igg.

Uh-huh?

Jeff is off today.

Huh?

I am expecting
a very important phone call.

Now, now listen close, because
this is where you come in.

Uh-huh.
All right.

If this phone rings...

Yeah, boss?

Let someone else answer it.

Uh, who?

It doesn't matter,
as long as it's not you.

You think you
can handle that?

With my eyes closed.

I knew I could
count on you, Iggy.

Thank you for
trusting me.

All right.
Okay, go on.

Hey, Jim.
How are you?

You don't recognize me?

Of course!

You're the kid from Lassie!

Jim, I'm Angie.

Angie Banta, Tony's father?

I was here six months ago.

I took Tony and you

and the fellas
out to Mario's for beers.

(sputters)

(chuckles):
Well...

you probably wouldn't remember.

You were passed out
on the floor.

Angie!

Angie Banta!

Tony's dad,
the merchant seaman.

How're ya doin',
you old dog?

(chuckles)

I'm great, Jim.
I'm excited.

I got a big
surprise for Tony.

When's he coming in?

I don't know.

Pretty soon, probably.

Well, what do you say you and I
grab a cup of coffee

and get caught up
while I wait for him, huh?

Uh... could, could
I take a rain check?

I'm, I'm working

on a very important
assignment for the boss.

Sure, Jim.
Okay.

(phone ringing)

(ringing continues)

(ringing stops)

(splutters):
Whew!

Whew. I did it.

I guess I've earned
that coffee now.

Here, Jim.

(indistinct chatter)

Hey, look who's here!
Angie!
My God!

ELAINE:
Angie!

Hey, welcome
home, sailor!

Thanks, Alex.

Angie! Oh!
Elaine!

Angie.
Huh?

Oh, heh-heh. Sorry.

I've been, uh, on a boat for
three long, lonely months.

That's okay, I understand.

Oh, great.
Uh, once.

Hey-hey, hey, uh, Angie,
Angie, uh, Tony's going
to be in any minute.

Uh, why don't you tell
us about the last
trip you took, huh?

Okay. Sure.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Only you, uh,
you aren't going to believe

what happened
to me this time.
Oh?

I feel safe in saying
that it was the most

harrowing experience
I've had in 25 years at sea.

No kidding.
They could make
a movie out of this one.

A movie?
Well, wh-what happened?

I'm working
on a freighter.

It's loaded with bananas.

As you know,
in a shipment like that,

there's bound
to be a few spiders.

And one of them must've
gotten out of the hold

and made a beeline for my bunk.

ALEX: Oh.
ELAINE:
Oh, no.

And I woke up with a furry,
black spider

the size of my fist
sitting on my face.

Oh, no, what did you do?

What would you have done?

I'd have screamed.

Uh-uh.

It would've fallen
in your mouth.

What would you
have done, Alex?

I don't know.

Was it poisonous?

Good question.

Well, was it?

I had no idea.
Oh.

So I assumed that it wasn't.

Well, wouldn't it
have been better if you
assumed that it was?

Yeah, but then I never

would have had the nerve
to do what I did.

What'd you do?
What'd you do?

I just laid there,
perfectly still.

Hour upon hour,
I just laid there,

sweating like a pig.

And then what happened?

I don't know.
I fell asleep.

When I woke up, it was gone.

Well, I, I don't think
that would make a movie.

You don't?
Uh, no, no, uh...

not a feature.

I mean, m-maybe something
for television.

I bet you had trouble
sleeping the rest of
the trip, huh?

Why?

Well, because another spider
might have crawled on your face.

Gee, oh, I'm glad
I didn't think of that.

Well, well, well...

Look what the tide
washed in.

Pea Brain Senior.

Louie!

Back off, Banta.

There's no tellin'
what parasites

you got crawling on you.

You haven't lost your great
sense of humor.

(chuckles):
Yeah, yeah.

So what brings you in here?

Did you fall overboard,
or are you coming

to get the barnacles
scraped off your butt?

(chuckling)

You know, you're lucky
to work with a man like this.

He must make
your job fun.

We'd trade him for
that spider in a minute.

Any day.

Hey, guys.
Tony!

Hey, Dad!
What do you say?

What are you doing here?

I just came in
to have the barnacles

scraped off my butt.

Oh, no, Dad, what happened?

I'm kiddin', son.

It's one of Louie's jokes.

Oh. It's not funny.

You had to be here.

You'd have roared.

Dad, am I glad you're here.

I mean, you picked
the perfect time.

I got Knick tickets
Friday night.

Saturday night,
there's a party.

Sunday, we play
a little baseball.

Hey, son, son,
wait a minute.

I can't do all
those things with you.

I'm only gonna be
here a couple of days.

I'm only here long
enough to be in port

to take on cargo and fuel.

Oh, I thought, uh,

maybe you could
stick around a while
this time, for once.

Hey, just 'cause
I can't stick around,

it doesn't mean that we aren't
gonna be able to be together.

I've got a surprise for you.

Hey, Dad!

Wow!

What is it?

I don't know,
but it's laminated.

It's a "Z" card.

It's a permit to work
as a merchant seaman.

Well, you always
said you wanted

to be a merchant seaman
like your old man--
well, now you are.

'Cause, anyway, I haven't
told you the best part.

I got us jobs on
the same ship.

We sail Thursday

on the Hillary B
for the Far East.

Oh...
Well, what's the matter?

Don't you want to go?

Well, sure.

I mean, who wouldn't?

It's just that
this is, uh, sudden.

And I don't know nothin'
about being a seaman.

And what's it going to be
like livin' on a ship?

I think it was
best described

by a guy who said,
"It's like being in prison

with a chance of drowning."

I'm kiddin'.
(chuckles)

Come on, why do
you look so glum

on the best day
of your life?

I thought you were
going to be excited.

I am. I'm excited.
I, uh...

This is just so sudden and, uh,
I mean, I'm dumbfounded.

Oh, wait a minute.

I've got to mark
this on my calendar--

"The Day Banta
was Dumbfounded."

Okay, let's go out
and celebrate.

I want to call a restaurant

and make reservations
for all of us.

I've been lookin' forward
to this for a long time.

Hey, hey, Dad, I...

I didn't know you wanted
to be a merchant seaman.

Oh, yeah, I did.

Ever since I was five...

till I was 11.

But, I mean,
I'm an adult now.

I got a life here.

I got a job.
I got friends.

I got an apartment.

I just learned
how to use my Mr. Coffee.

Alex, what would
you do if it were you?

Well, I don't know, Tony.
I mean, that's a big decision.

I mean, you can't make
a decision

like that in an instant.

But I have to, Alex.
I've got to tell him

as soon as he gets off
the phone, so tell me.

What should I do?
Tony, you sound
like you don't want to go.

Now, you're a big boy.
You got your own life to lead.

He can't come in here and tell
you to change your life, can he?

You can't be responsible
for something you told him

when you were five years old.

And there comes
a point in your life

when you got to stop
living for your parents.

I say the only thing you can
tell him is "no dice."

That's my father, Alex.

You don't say no
to your father.

I'm surprised at you, Alex.

I don't care how much I don't
want to go, I got to go.

And you know what else?
I'm going.

Thanks for the advice.

Hey, you're welcome.

(moaning)
Come on, Tony,
don't be ashamed.

Let 'er rip.

(moaning continues)

Come on, don't worry
about not having

your sea legs; it takes time.

(moaning)

Oh, how long?

Oh, you can get used to it
in a day.

(moans)
Of course, on my first trip,

I fed the fish
from here to Fiji.

That's good to know.

(moaning)
Hey...

It's good to have
you aboard, Tony.

But, you know,
when I gave you that card,

it flashed through my mind that
you might not want to go.

(moaning continues)

You would've said something
if you had any misgivings

about this trip,
wouldn't you, son?

(whimpers)

I thought so.

Oh, Dad,

Dad, would you do me a favor?

Sure, sailor, anything.

Would you k*ll me?

Come on, Tony,
your problem is

that you're fighting it,
you're holdin' it back.

It's like a laugh.

You can't keep it inside.
(moans)

You'll feel better
if you let it out.

Then you can brush your teeth,
take a mint

and nobody'll know
the difference.

Here, here.

I got some mints here.

(moaning)

(retching)

That's my boy.

Come on, Tony.

Dad, I'm tired.

Why'd you wake me up
to bring me up here for?

It's a surprise.

Look out there.
What do you see?

Water.

You see water now,
but in a few moments

we're going to be passing
over the equator.

Wouldn't want to sleep
through that, would you?

That's something
you can remember

the rest of your life.

It's just going
to look like this.

True, but this
isn't the equator.

It's also going
to look a lot

like the international
date line

you made me get up
to see.

Very much.

Yeah.

I'm really glad that
you're here with me,

Tony, to share this.

Okay, now it's time.

This is the equator.

What the hell are
you looking at?

What is that?

What-- something
floating down there.

What is that, a beer can?
What is it?

It's probably the eye of
one of those giant squid...

ready to sh**t a
tentacle up here

and sweep you
off of the ship.

Come on, Dad.

I'm not a kid
anymore.

You can't scare me
with that stuff.

Some of those squid
are 150 feet long.

I've heard tell of them
dragging a man down

screaming into the sea.

Hey, you remember that pal of
mine, that sailor pal Bill?

Yeah.

Him and I were
just like that.

You remember him?
Yeah, yeah.

He's heard of them, too.

Have you ever seen one?

No, I haven't, but I like
to believe they exist.

That's the way I'm starting
to feel about women.

You know, I only been
on this ship two weeks,

but I cannot stop thinking
about them.

Well, that'll change when
you get to be my age.

Oh, what do you mean?

Uh... you don't think
about women anymore, Dad?

No, of course, I
think about women,

but I also think
about fresh produce.

Boy, what I wouldn't give

for a nice, fresh, crispy
head of lettuce right now.

Don't worry, son, we'll
be in port pretty soon

and there'll be plenty
of women there.

If you're lucky, you can
sleep with one of 'em.

Dad!

That is, if you fall in love
with her first.

Well, how long are we
going to be in port?

Six hours.

Hey, Dad, you know,

you're talking to me
like I'm one of the guys.

We're shipmates now, huh?

Yeah, I like that.

Yeah.

So can I ask you a question--
one guy to another?

Sure.

Here, sit down, sit down.

All those times
you were out here

like months at a stretch,

when Mom was alive,
did you ever...?

Was I ever unfaithful?

No.

Of course, I can't
deny I was tempted,

but whenever I felt

the, uh, urges and the
stirrings, the longings,

I just thought of my
kids and, you know,

how they'd hate me for
the rest of my life

if I ever did
anything like that.

Ah, I wouldn't have
hated you.

I might've even
understood.

No kidding?

Hmm.

Hey, Dad, we should have had
these talks a long time ago.

You're telling me.

You know what I feel
like doing now, Dad?

What's that?
Singing.

What?
Singing.

You know, sailors at sea--
they sing.

Hey, Tony, sit down.

Who told you that
sailors sing?

I just assumed.

Well, what did you
think we would sing?

Sea chanteys.

Well, okay.

I don't want
to disappoint you.

You and I, we could
sing a sea chantey.

All right, uh...

Oh...

Hey, Fergie, you know
any sea chanteys?

I don't even know
what a sea chantey is.

It's a song about the sea.
You know, like

with, with rum and
women and sailing.

"New York, New York"?

Perfect.

What do you mean, perfect?

I know that one.

Okay.

¶ Dum, dum, da-da dum

¶ Da-dum, dum, da-da dum

¶ Da-dum, dum, da-da,
da, da, da... ¶

¶ Start spreading the news

¶ We're leavin' today... ¶

(all mumbling)

I want to be
a part of it?

Brand-new start?

¶ New York, New York

¶ I want to...

(all mumbling)

¶ Vagabond shoes...

That's it!

¶ Those vagabond shoes

¶ Are longing to stray...

(all mumbling)

¶ New York, New York

¶ I want to wake up

¶ In the city that
doesn't sleep ¶

(cheering)

You did great!
¶ To find I...

¶ Da-da, da-da...

¶ Something,
something on a heap ¶

¶ New York, New York

No, that comes later.
What's the matter with you?

¶ Those vagabond shoes...

No, no, we did
vagabond shoes.

Oh! ¶ These little
town blues ¶

Yeah, yeah, that's it.

¶ These little town blues

¶ Are melting away

¶ Da, da, da, da-da

¶ Da-da, da

¶ New York, New York

¶ If I can make it there

¶ I'll make it anywhere ¶

¶ It's up to you ¶

¶ New York, New York!

You know, Dad,
I really like Singapore.

It's the best bar
we've been in so far.

What's so great
about this bar?

There's nothing
floating in my drink.

(both laughing)

You know, Tony,
I'm really proud of you.

You turned out to be
a hell of a sailor.

You know, Dad, I thought I could
be an all right sailor.

Maybe even a pretty good sailor.

But I tell you, I never thought
I could make "hell of a sailor."

Hey, Sparky, old buddy!

How's it going?

Can I buy you a drink?

I'm afraid you have me
confused with somebody else.

Oh, well, let me
buy you a drink anyway.

No, thank you.

Hey, it's been a great trip
so far, huh, Tony?

Dad, I got to tell you...

It's the best month of my life.

Thanks for
giving it to me.

Let's have just one
little drink together.

I don't want to.

Hey, Dad, don't be hurt.

But you know, after this trip,

I don't think
I want to go back to sea.

I think I'm going
to stay in New York.

Okay. You want another drink?

You don't care?

Hell, no.

I'm just glad that we
had this time together.

You know, I still feel guilty
about being such a bad father.

What's the matter?

I ain't good enough
to drink with you?

Bad father?
Are you crazy, Dad?

Well, I was never around
when you were a kid.

Hey, this guy thinks I ain't
good enough to drink with him.

I suppose nobody here's good
enough to drink with him.

Hey, Dad, let me
tell you something.

You've been a great father,

and we've had
great times sailing.

I just hope I can
remember them all.

You'll remember this one.

(groans)

Hey-hey-hey!

(grunting and groaning)

Look out, son!

I still think I
was a terrible father.

I think you're being a little
hard on yourself, Dad, really.

(yelling)

(grunting and groaning)

I was never home
on your birthday.

Yeah, but from wherever you were
in the world, you called me.

(shrieking)

(yelling)

(screaming, glass breaking)

I missed your high
school graduation.

I didn't graduate.

Oh, good.

(glass shatters)

Here, son!

You take this one!

(grunting and groaning)

I'll meet you
in the middle, son.

Shouldn't we introduce
these two gentlemen?

You know something?
(man groaning)

This is better
than Brooklyn.

(moaning)

Let's get...

Hey, Dad?

Ow!

So... I wasn't such
a terrible father after all?

You were the best.

Watch your step, son.

I got it.
(grunts)

You know how I know

when I've had
too much to drink?
When's that?

I always wind up
in a tattoo parlor.

So tonight, I want
you to cut me off

before I... uh-oh.

We're in a tattoo parlor.

(laughs)

Okay, I'll pick
one out for you,

and you pick
one out for me.

Okay.

All right.

You get the octopus.

Oh, Tony... give it
some thought.

I want something
that will remind you of me

and me of you
and our-our trip together.

I got it.

Why don't you just have my name
written across your chest?

"Tony."

Swell, then what do I do?

Go live in a cave?

I know.

You just pick out
one that you like

and I'll get
the same thing.

Okay, the octopus.
Oh, Tony!

Okay, I got it!

The Woody Woodpecker
with the cigar.

Perfect.

(chuckles)

Hey, Dad?

Do you think
we should sober up first?

If we sober up,
we won't do it.

(grunts)

(theme song playing)

WOMAN:
Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)