05x20 - Arnie Meets the Kids

[bunniefuu]

(theme song playing)

Hello, everybody.

Where's Latka? Where's Latka?
I got wonderful news.

What is it, what is it?
What is it?

Here, you read this
for yourself.

I got to go find Latka.

Latka?

"Bleam niki schlev rosko iska
bedosko pavitz iba da."

Is it, uh, from their country?

Yeah, I guess so.

The stamp commemorates,
uh, goat cheese.

There...

LATKA:
No, no...

no, no, no.

Why, why, why, why, why?

It's a wonderful job.

You said I could get a job.

This is one job
I don't want you to have.

Hey, Simka, what kind
of a job did they offer you?

I gave you that letter.
I know, but I didn't have
my reading glasses.

So, uh, tell me, what
kind of a job is it?

You go ahead, you tell him.

This just happens to be
a letter from my government.

They would like me to be
the ambassador to France.

The ambassador to France?

That's right.

Excuse me, Latka, but, uh,
I may be a little confused here.

Read it.
But isn't the, uh,

ambassador to France a
kind of prestigious job?

Yes, I would say.

It pays $2.75 a hour.

Why does your country
want to appoint you

ambassador to France?

Because I'm the only one
who speaks French.

Look, I don't want
to go to France.

I am American.

America is my country.

You cannot have this job.

Now are you going to,
from now on, is pout

and throw the temper tantrum and
make my life hell from now on?

Oui.

Hey, she really
does speak French.

Hi, guys.
ALEX:
Hey.

Hey, everybody.

Oh, Elaine, I had such
a wonderful time today.

I had such a wonderful time,

I'm not even going to
pester you with questions

about whether you had
a wonderful time.

Well, thank you, Arnie.

However, if you'd care

to volunteer the information,
I'd be glad to hear it.

I had a lovely time.

So, uh, what'd you guys do?

ARNIE:
Well...

decency prevents me from
divulging the details,

but, you know, it had to do
with water beds, baby oil...

TONY:
Oh!
Arnie!

They know I'm kidding.

Yeah, well, I don't
think they do.

Really?
Well, great.

No, actually,
we went to an opening

of a new gallery in SoHo.

Ooh, he must
really love you.

ALEX:
Tony...

I have to
go change, okay?

Well, I probably won't be here
when you get back,

so you're gonna just have
to kiss me good-bye

in front of everybody.

Bye, sweetie.

(sighs, chuckles)

Hey, Ross, I want
to shake your hand.

Well, I don't see
any harm in that.

You know something?

You've climbed Everest.

What do you mean?

Nardo.

I mean, you know how many guys
you b*at out to get her?

Well, I never thought
of it as a contest,

but now that you mention it,

I must say I went for
the gold and I got it!

I'll see you later, Lou.

You know what?

I think it's his
boyish insecurity.

It's got to be.
There's nothing else.

(clearing throat)

So, first day on the job.
You like it?

It's a job.

Oh, gosh... (chuckles)

I don't know
what came over me.

I mean, I was so bold.
I mean...

It's not like me
to be that way. I...

Oh, look, I'm gonna come
right out and say it.

I-I was wondering if,
uh, maybe, uh, you and I,

we could, uh, we could
go have a soda.

Really?

That's charming.

Aw... it's...

Well, and, and,
and then, may...

Oh, no, I can't.
I can't, I can't do it.

(whimpering)

Go on.

Well...

I thought maybe then
I could walk you home

and we could do it
till we pass out.

Hey, I think it worked, Lou.

You usually get slapped
much harder than that.

Oh, hey, Elaine.

Now what's the scoop
with you and this guy Arnie?

I mean, I know
the guy's gentle,

and, and sensitive
and unassuring

and likable and loving and...

Wait, how do you
know all this?

He's got to be, Elaine.

I mean, but how
serious are you two?

I don't know.

I don't even know
what kind of relationship

I want with him yet.

Hey, Elaine, what do
your kids think of him?

Are you kidding, Alex?
The kids got to love him.

He's like Yoda.

Tony...

No, actually, uh, he hasn't,
uh, met Jennifer and Jason yet.

TONY: What?
He hasn't met your kids
in five months?

No. Actually, uh, I've been
avoiding introducing them.

Why?

I don't want my kids
to get involved

with Arnie unless I'm sure that
I want to get involved with him.

If things didn't work out
between Arnie and me, then

I don't want
the kids to get hurt.

TONY:
Oh...

Well, that sounds
very reasonable.

ELAINE:
Oh, good.

I'm so glad you
agree with me.

In an overprotective, paranoid
sort of way is what I mean.

No!
Huh?

Because I have
a favor to ask of you.
Me?

Tomorrow night Arnie's coming
to the house for dinner

and I've got to leave
the kids with someone.

And their father's
out of town,

so could you watch them
for a couple of hours?
Uh...

Please, Alex, you're
the only one I can ask.

I'm sorry, Elaine, but...
Tony?

Oh, uh, I'm sorry,
Elaine, but, uh...

Lupus?

Lupus? Lu... Elaine!
Lupus?

You're gonna trust
your kids to a guy

who promises never
to bathe again

until Seattle wins
the Super Bowl?

Please, that's
not the one.

Never mind, Lupus.

Forget it, Lup.

What am I gonna do, Alex?

Look, the simplest thing to do
is let the guy meet the kids.

I mean, big deal, come
over, he'll say hello,

pat the kids on the head

and they'll both go
off to their rooms.

Quivering with excitement.

ALEX:
Tony, please.

I'm not saying that
the guy wouldn't, uh,

grow on the kids in time.

Arnie is a quiet,
unassuming guy, right?

He's not the kind of guy

that the kids are gonna fall
in love with instantly, is he?

Well, maybe you're right.

I hope you're right.

You'd better be right,
because tomorrow night

those kids are having dinner
with Arnie and me.

Hey, good, good.

Good choice.

You know...

I once dated a woman

whose kids were
very attached to me.

Eventually, she wanted
to break up.

Mm-hmm.
So...

to make it easy
on those little tykes,

at our last dinner

I pretended to have
a heart att*ck...

...and die.

Yeah.

After the children were
sedated...

and the woman stopped screaming,

pounding me,

she was

profuse in her gratitude.

I'm great with kids.

Hi, everybody.

Bonjour, tout le monde.

Hi.

She's been acting
like a child

because I won't let her
be ambassador to France.

How long are you going
to keep this up?

Je vais continuer jusqu'à
la fin de mes jours.

What does that mean?

Uh, my French is a little
rusty, but if I were you,

I'd have someone taste
my coffee in the morning.

Okay, Simka,
I have been selfish.

You want the job,
you can take it.

Oh, Latka.

Oh, Latka, my darling.

Oh, I knew that you
would love me enough

to do the right thing if I
made your life a living hell.

But I got good news
for you, also.

There's no job no more.

What?

No. I got another
letter from the homeland.

We broke off diplomatic
relations with France.

Oh, good, you're here.

Hi, Arnie.

Listen, Elaine has invited me
home tonight to meet her kids.

I really need your help.

I mean, you know those kids.

What do you suggest?

Oh, come on. I don't know
why everybody's

making such
a big deal about this.

I mean, it's just a
couple of kids, Arnie.

Why on Earth are you
so nervous about it?
TONY: Yeah.

Because I want
them to like me.

I mean, you don't know
the work it takes

to get people to like me.

I put out, man!

And now I have to win
over two more.

Arnie, why don't you
give us a break?

Them kids are pushovers.

Well, not for me, they're not.

I remember my childhood.

The key to popularity was
knowing how to play dodgeball

and how to make those little
sounds with your armpits.

Well, I, I couldn't

do those things then,
and I can't do them now.

Oh, that's easy, Arnie.

You just go like this...
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
hey, hey, hey, hey.

She wants to be
ambassador to France.
ALEX: Yeah.

Listen, look, Arnie, Arnie,
Arnie, Arnie,

just listen to me,
will you?

All you got to do is go over
there and be yourself.

That's all kids ever want.

Oh, really?

Was Buffalo Bob himself?

Was Bozo the
Clown himself?

I hear Mr. Rogers
is really like that.

Tony, please.
Will you?

Arnie, Arnie,
look, look.

Just listen to me,
huh? Just trust me.

Look, I know those kids.

I'm telling you,
I know those kids.

All you got to do is go
over there, be yourself

and don't talk down
to them. That's all.

All right, come on.
Get your butts out of here.

You got your cab assignments.
Now hit the road.

Hey, you two,

get out of here. Your
conjugal visit's over.

I feel
a little foolish, Alex,

and, uh, I want to thank you
for talking some sense into me.

Yeah, yeah,
anytime, anytime.

Thanks.

Hey, Ross.

Did Nardo ever mention
a guy named Peterson?

No, why?

Elaine adored him.

When he met the kids,
they hated him.

(makes gagging sound)

Well, what happened to him?

Nobody knows.

But legend has it

that on a cloudy,
foggy night,

when the moon is full,

you can hear his
voice saying,

"Elaine, I thought we
had something special...

special... special..."

You know, Jeff,
sometimes I hate myself.

But it's moments like this
that make up for it.

ELAINE:
Arnie's gonna be here
any minute,

so I want you guys
to be good, okay?

Mommy, what if
he doesn't like us?

Oh, well, I guess I'll have to
trade you in for two new kids.

(gasps)

No, I'm kidding.

Hey, Mom, what if he likes me
and not Jennifer?

Can we trade her in?

Well...
Mom!

No, never. We're a team.
We're a set!

It's all of us or none of us.

Put 'er
there, pards.

ALL:
Hmm!

(chuckling, knocking at door)

Okay.

Aw, he's here.

Does he have
to stay long?

Oh, come on, you
guys. What is this?

You're going to
have a great time.

(knocking continues)

ARNIE:
Hello, Jason.
Hello, Jennifer.

I'd like you to meet the
greatest guy in the world...

Arnie Ross!

Wow!
Wow!
Hey!

Hi, Elaine!
Hi.

Jason, this is for you.

Thanks!

Oh, I want one!

Oh, I thought you might.

Oh!
ELAINE: Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Come on, you guys.

You can play with those toys
later; I want you to meet Arnie.

(kids shouting)
No, it won't be so bad.

I'm going to make some
balloon animals while we talk.

Hey!

Now, Jason, I'll bet the girls
are just crazy about you,

but you don't give them
the time of day. Right?

I'll bet your favorite
sport is... soccer.

But I'll bet you're
very interested in...

veterinary medicine!

Now, what's your
favorite animal?

A mouse or a rat?

A mouse.

Well, there ya go!

Wow.

Arnie, would you like
to take off your coat?

Are you kidding?
I'm fighting for my life here.

Now, uh, Jennifer, I'll bet
you're in the third grade...

(spluttering)

And I'll bet

that you're at the top
of your class.

Ah!

Now, what's
your favorite animal?

An octopus.

Aw, give me a break.

Then a snake.

A snake!

You're great!
I like you!

Thanks!

Okay.
(laughs)

Let's relax now, right?

Okay, come on, Arnie, give me
your coat, and I-I'm gonna

get you a drink, okay?

A drink?
In front of the children?

Well, I don't want you to
think I'm a reckless drinker.

Arnie, some wine is not going
to seem reckless.

Well, then let's all
get stinking drunk!

Just a joke, kids.

It's a little adult humor.

(sighs)

Here.

Well...

Presents, balloons, drinks.

This is turning into quite
an evening, isn't it?

I'd say you made quite
a first impression.

He sure has.

Yeah, what's next?

Next?

I don't know.

Uh... well, how about, um...

What about money?!

(cheering)

No. No, wait, wait.

Would, uh, 20 bucks apiece
sound okay to you guys?

(screaming)

There you go.
ELAINE:
No, no, no, wait.

Jason, Jennifer, I want you
to give his money back, okay?

(all shouting)

Why don't you guys go
take your puppets

and play in your room, okay?

Okay? I want to
talk to Arnie.

And don't forget
who bought them for you!

Well, hail the conquering hero,
huh, babe?

I think your kids like me.

Arnie, how could they like you?

They-They didn't even meet you.

They met somebody else.

Well, did they like him?

They love him.

Well, good enough.

Arnie, you can't
keep this up.

The hell I can't!

As long as there's
ice cream to scoop

or a riddle to tell
or a toy on a shelf,

those kids are mine.

Arnie, you don't have
to keep this up.

I don't want you to keep it up.

I think I know
what's troubling you.

You've mistaken my behavior
as some kind of attempt

to buy your kids' affection.

Oh, mistaken? Come on, you
were doling out $20 bills.

You were giving hard
cash to-to small children

so that they'd like you.

I'm sorry, I got
to ask those kids

to give you
that money back.

Oh, no, don't do that.

They'll think I'm a rat fink!

All right, now look,
I've got an idea.

Let them earn it.

In return for the money,
they could just come over

to my place tomorrow and put
in some copper plumbing.

Well, that was easy.

Let me handle this,
okay? Please?

Jason! Jennifer!
Come on out here.

Yeah, Mom?

Okay, I want you guys to give
Arnie his money back. Okay?

Wait a minute. I thought
we had that settled.
Yeah, uh, no, it's

not settled.
JENNIFER: Yeah, we get
to keep the money.

No, no, no...
Of course they do.
They want to keep the money.

I mean, of course.

You both know that it's not
right to keep the money...

(all clamoring indistinctly)

Jason and Jennifer,

I want you to give him
his money back right now!

You're ugly!
You're stupid!

I hate you, Mom!

(door slams)

You have beautiful children,
Elaine.

Arnie, that scene
should never have happened.

I know you thought it was okay
to give those kids that money,

but as their mother, I didn't,

and you should have
respected that.

I'm-I'm upset with you.

Would $40 make
you feel better?

Elaine, I'm sorry.
I tried very hard.

Obviously, this has turned out
in the worst possible way.

I've estranged you
from your own children.

I mean, I just, I shouldn't be
allowed to be around children.

I don't understand children.

I don't know how
to talk to children.

I should be sterilized.

Arnie...

Oh, great,
more fireworks.

Mommy?

What?

Mom, I'm sorry.

You're pretty, you're
smart and I love you.

(laughing)

I'm sorry, too, Mommy.

You're the nicest
mother in New York.

Aw.

ELAINE: Well, I love
you guys, too.

How about
setting the table? Okay?

Okay.
Okay.
Okay.

Come on, Jason.

They're great kids, huh?

Yeah.

Look, Elaine, I know I've
been screwing up tonight.

I think if you'd just let me
have a couple of words

with the children,
everything will be fine.

Okay, go ahead.

Kids...

Good night.

Oh, come on, Arnie,
you've got to stay for dinner.

No, I think I've caused
enough trouble for one night.

Oh, but everybody would
be upset if you left.

Right?
Arnie isn't leaving,
is he, Mommy?

Yeah, please
don't go, Arnie.

We have the table
set up for you.

We baked four potatoes.

All right. Now, come on.
Sit down for a minute.

Now, listen.

Now, this time I don't
have any more presents,

and I'm not gonna give you
any more money.

And from now on, whatever
your mother says goes.

Okay?

Okay.

You mean, you'd still like me?

Yeah, sure.

Just not as much.

They're honest.

Yeah. I like them.

Elaine, that was
such a lovely meal.

The kids were so great, and
everything just went so well.

Mmm.

Are you all right?

Mm-hmm.

Well...

why don't you tell me
what's the matter?

Okay.

Arnie, don't get me wrong.

I mean, this really doesn't
have anything to do

with you and me specifically.

It's just that...

it just worries me a little

when my kids get
so emotionally attached

to a man that I'm dating.

Well, I don't think you have
any cause for worry here.

I'd hardly say
they've become attached to me.

BOTH:
Good night, Uncle Arnie.
Good night, Uncle Arnie.

Hey, good night, kids.
Mmm!

Are you really taking us
to the zoo tomorrow?

Well, I said I would,
didn't I?

Yay, Uncle Arnie!

JASON:
Yeah, he's the greatest.

All right, now, you two,
you know it's your bedtime!

Good night, Mom.
Good night.

I love you.
Good night, Mommy.

Good night, baby.

I'm gonna sleep
with my puppet tonight.

And I'm gonna name my
goldfish after you.

Oh, great!

Aw...
Good night.

Good night.
Good night.

Arnie's even cuter
than Ricky Schroeder.

Ah, ten minutes after I'm gone,

they won't even know
I've been here.

Arnie, they love you.

Well, I guess so.

But that could be fixed.

What do you say I march in there

and, uh, kick their butts
all over the room?

Really, I-I'm-I'm delighted that
my kids love you so much.

Really. It's just
that it's-it's put me

in sort of an
awkward position.

You mean, this is more serious
than I thought?

Could be.

In other words,
you don't really know

quite where
our relationship is going,

and you don't really know quite
how you feel about me,

so the fact
that your kids like me

might make it more difficult
to break up.

Uh-huh.

That's a really terrible
position that I put you in.

I-I think this might call
for-for some champagne.

You're such a dear man.

Oh, I-I'm glad you think so

because now, you know,
you may be stuck with me.

I guess I am.

You know what?

What?

I love it.

(both chuckling)

(theme song playing)

WOMAN:
Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)