(theme song playing)
VAGRANT:
Anybody got any spare change?
Anything left in your pockets
you don't want?
Old gum? Traveler's checks?
Somebody want to give me
their clothing?
LOUIE:
Hey, hey!
Hey, come on, no scuzzos
allowed in here.
Get out, out!
All right.
Goodbye, everybody!
No...
Iggy, Iggy, no, not you.
You're not a scuzzo.
You're an airhead.
We a...
We allow airheads in here.
Come on, hey, scuzz,
hey, whoa, slither
out of here, go on, go!
Hey, hey, hey, Louie,
Louie, Louie, Louie!
Be a little bit
more sensitive
to the plight of this man.
He's not a scuzzo.
He happens to be a human
being with some dignity.
I'm afraid you're
mistaking me
for somebody else.
Wait! Hey, wait.
Wait!
What if I gave you
$1,000?
Jim, Jim, look,
I know you've inherited
a lot of money,
but, you know,
there is such a thing
as being too soft a touch.
Define "too soft a touch."
It's my money...
and I'll spend it
however I want.
Jim...
Take it.
I don't know who you are
and I don't know
why you did this,
but it's nice to know
there are people like you
in the world.
I mean that
from one bum to another.
Wow!
Jim, Jim...
Huh?
Look, if you want
to be that generous,
why don't you give it
to organized charities?
I do, but when
I give away $1,000
like I just did,
it's not charity.
I do it out of
selfishness.
To experience
the joy you get
when you personally
hand over money
that's gonna make a person's
life a little better.
You sound like you
do this a lot.
Oh, no, not a lot.
Like, today, I'm only gonna
do it five more times.
Oh, now, wait a minute,
wait a minute.
Jim, look, I don't care
how much money you've got.
Now, uh, this is stupid.
This is stup-- this is
cra-- this is reckless,
this is irresponsible
and I'm not gonna
let you go on doing this.
Even if it means
calling the administers
of your estate,
I'm not gonna let
you do it, Jim.
Oh, this is different.
This is helping people.
Oh, come on, Jim,
will you?
Go ahead, call my lawyers
if you want.
I'm gonna do it!
You wouldn't say
those things to me
if you really knew
what it was like.
(unhooking phone)
Wait a minute!
What if you found out
what it was like?
What if I gave you
$1,000?
What if I gave
all of you $1,000...
to give to one person
before the end of the shift?
Then if you come back
and say to me
that it was stupid
and crazy, I'll stop.
What do you say, Alex?
Come on.
If you promise to stop!
Yes, you passionate
son of a g*n.
Here you go, Alex.
Elaine.
(giggling)
Well, it sounds like
a fair challenge.
People down on their luck
get into my cab every day.
The next guy that gets in
and tells me his troubles
is in for a big surprise.
You know, I think, uh, I know,
I know somebody
I can give this to.
Can the one person
I give this money to,
can it be one of my kids?
Why not?
Give it to one of your kids.
That's great!
(squeals)
Thank you!
Here you go, Latka.
Oh...
The tradition of my country
forces me to protest.
Come on, take the money.
Oh, I'll take the money,
but first I have to protest.
No, no, no!
I won't take it!
This is an insult!
Thank you very much.
I notice...
(wry laugh)
...you excluded me
from your little challenge.
You're wrong, boss.
I'm including you
in this challenge.
Now, wait a minute,
wait a minute, Jim!
You give a thousand bucks
to Louie De Palma,
you better be there to see
that he gives it to somebody.
Yeah.
Otherwise he's gonna
pocket that money himself
and lie about it.
Would you do that?
Of course.
No, no, wait, wait,
wait, hold it!
I want to play, too.
All right?
How about if I give
the money to Jeff?
This way you
can check on it.
Okeydoke.
Do you really think...
that me giving away $1,000
is gonna make me feel good?
You think me?
I'm not him, you know.
I'm not him.
I'm not the guy who says,
"Oh, every day,
somebody gets in my cab
who's down on their luck, ooh."
Whatever you say, boss.
I wish I could be there
to see the expression on your
face when you give it to him.
Oh, yeah, well you won't
have to wait, Iggy.
You can see it right now.
(yawning)
LATKA:
Reverend Gorky,
this is a very joyous
occasion for Simka and me.
We know how little money
our humble church
is able to pay you.
Ah, I don't complain.
Simka and I would like
to give to you...
$1,000!
$1,000?
Yes.
You are giving me
$1,000?
Yes.
Stinking lousy $1,000?
How dare you!
I spit on your money!
Thank you very much.
Oh, Reverend Gorky,
I'm very happy
that you're happy.
Simka, is forwith so wrong?
I wanted that $1,000
so we could afford
to have a baby.
You are so good-hearted.
Take money to have baby.
You are giving me
this $1,000?!
No, no, no!
I won't take it!
Wow! Thank you!
God bless you!
Oh, our traditions
are so beautiful!
(knocking on door)
Who is it?
TONY:
It's Tony!
(TV newscast plays indistinctly)
Tony Banta from down at the gym?
Yeah!
It's not Thursday night, is it?
No, I thought I'd stop
by early this week.
Why didn't you call?
You haven't got a phone!
I meant from the sidewalk.
I do have a window.
Are you gonna
let me in or not?
What are you getting
so upset about?
NEWSMAN:
On the national scene--
(TV shuts off)
I wanted to stop by early
'cause I got a surprise for you.
I brought you a gift.
I hope it's chocolates.
(laughing)
Come on, open it up.
I don't want to
open it up yet.
Come on, what do you want to
do before you open it?
Talk.
Okay.
Uh, how was
Days of Our Lives today?
Good, good.
But you know
what was really great?
Gilligan's Island.
That classic one
where Gilligan gets hypnotized
and thinks he's Mary Ann.
(laughing)
Yeah, sure.
Boy, the Skipper was really
mad at him that time, huh?
Who wouldn't be?
Cat dressed up like
a dad-blamed woman.
Bonanza is coming on now.
Would you like to watch it?
Sure.
It'll be on
in a couple seconds.
Okay.
Now this episode, Tony,
is the one where
Hoss' friend's dog
outsmarts the crooks.
I've watched it
100 times.
You know, I'll tell you
something, Walt.
On this old
black-and-white TV set,
I mean, you can't tell how
blue the Ponderosa sky is
or how green the trees are,
or even what shade of brown
Little Joe's horse is.
Hey, what did I ever do to you?
Come on, Walt,
let's open your present.
Come on.
Come on, I'll help you.
It's yours.
21 inches... great color.
This is it.
Stereo speakers...
and remote control.
Tony...
Hey, come on, Walt.
Don't start getting
teary on me now.
You know, the color's
gonna look blurred.
Come on, sit down.
Sit right here.
There you go.
There, there you go.
Switch that baby on.
Oh...
Pretty good, ain't it?
(crying):
This is the happiest
day of my life.
I'll never forget it
as long as I live.
Hey, Walt, me, too.
I mean, this may be the nicest
thing that ever happened to me.
I tell you, man,
I just hope that this TV
gives you plenty...
Shut up, shut up, Tony.
It's starting now.
(Western theme plays on TV)
Okay, Walt.
Hey, I'll see you around;
I got to finish my shift.
Thursday night, right?
(sniffles)
You bet your life.
And call next time!
ELAINE:
Jennifer, I have
to talk to you.
I'm sorry I had to
wake you, but...
but I have a
little problem
and I wanted you
to help me with it.
Is it men again?
No, honey.
Not this time.
Um, Jennifer...
Jim, down at the garage...
he gave me this $1,000.
Now, he told me I have to
give it to someone tonight,
and I'd like to give it
to you and your brother.
But Jason
isn't here tonight.
Right.
So, I'm going to
give it to you.
(chuckling)
And I get to keep
all of it?
Well, you probably want
to give half of it to
your brother, right?
No.
Jennifer, come here.
Come here, baby.
Look...
I gave you this money,
and I'm not going
to take it back.
I mean, it's your
money now, and...
and you can do whatever
you want with it.
You can be sweet...
and generous...
and loving...
and share it with
your brother,
or you can be mean
and selfish and greedy
and not share
it with him.
It's up to you.
So, what are you
going to do?
All right, I'll give
half the money to Jason.
Okay.
Mommy?
Is it okay if I use my $500
to buy something for you?
(chuckling):
Oh, honey.
That's sweet-- I...
but... but I don't
really need anything.
What would you buy me?
ColecoVision and
11 cassettes.
(chuckling):
Sure.
Hey, Lou.
Oh, Jeff, there you are.
(clears throat)
Listen, I got
something for you.
Now, look, I know you could
use some extra money,
but I'm only doing
this to prove a point,
so don't get
weepy on me here.
Now, don't get sappy.
I'm going to make
this short and sweet.
I'm giving you $1,000.
The hell you are.
LOUIE:
Jeff...
Jeff, I don't understand.
You need the money,
so what's the matter?
I don't want your money, Louie.
What's the matter
with my money?
It could be dirty money.
I'm not asking you
to eat off it.
All I'm asking you to do
is put it in your pocket.
Spend it on your
poor grandmother.
No, thanks.
Hey, Jeff.
Did I mention
it's $1,000?
I wouldn't care if it's
a million dollars, Louie.
I'm not taking any
money from you.
If I had a million dollars,
I'd hire three big guys
to stuff this lousy thousand
down your throat.
Don't try to sweet-talk me,
Louie.
I'm not taking your money.
Fine, fine.
You don't have to take it.
I don't have to give it to you.
There's plenty of guys
who want it.
God help the person
who takes it from you.
Jeff, are you trying
to make some statement here?
Frankly, I'm offended.
Louie...
I don't know why you want
me to take that money.
All I know is, if it's
coming from Louie De Palma,
there's got to
be a catch.
What, what, what
kind of catch?
What...?
How would I know?
Maybe it's counterfeit money.
(scoffs)
Or maybe it's stolen money
and you want to plant it on me.
Maybe it's
contaminated
from germ warfare,
and the Russians paid you
to plant it on my body
as an experiment
to see if I sprout
some kind of weird fungus.
It's beginning to sound
like you don't trust me.
(door opens)
Sir, about
how much is it
to the Port Authority
bus station?
I'm on a tight budget.
It's only about
three bucks.
Oh.
When the meter hits $2.50,
drop me off.
I'll run the rest
of the way.
Ah, don't worry
about it.
I'll take you
all the way.
Hope I have enough
for the trip back to Oregon.
Well, if you don't,
you can have them leave
you off in, uh, Idaho
and you can run the
rest of the way.
Good-bye, New York!
You chewed me up
and you spit me out!
MAN (in distance):
And we're well rid of you!
Gee, this
is a tough town.
Yeah, I know
it can be.
(chuckles)
Hey, uh, my
name is Alex.
Hi. I'm Jeremy.
Hi.
You look a little upset.
You want to tell me about it?
Nah.
You must hear about people's
hard-luck stories all day long.
Oh, not today.
Today, I am starved
for a good hard-luck story.
I came to New York
to make it as a cartoonist,
but now I'm broke
and I have to go home to Oregon.
Are you leaving because
you're broke or because, uh,
you don't think
you're good enough to make it?
I'm leaving
because I'm broke.
Uh-huh.
Would you mind if I took a look
at those cartoons of yours?
Sure.
Th-these are political cartoons.
Do... do you like
political cartoons?
I love political cartoons.
Yeah?
I've loved political cartoons
all my life.
Yeah?
Yeah, yeah.
It's nice...
It's nice to run
into one New Yorker
who'll appreciate my work
before I leave.
Well, you know something?
Um, I might be able to do more
than just appreciate your work.
Hey, wait a minute.
Let me... let me...
let me pull over here,
so I can take a look
at those properly.
Hold on.
Look at this one of Reagan
sitting next
to an MX m*ssile silo.
Uh-huh.
Read the caption out loud.
"Nancy, we're late."
I don't think I get it.
Uh, well, you know how she's
always buying new clothes.
Yeah.
Well?
Yeah?
She's in there changing.
Don't you get it?
Why?
Because, uh, she's run out
of closet space
and he doesn't know where
to put the m*ssile.
(laughing)
What are you, a Republican?
Here, here,
look at...
look at another one.
(chuckling)
Ah, yeah.
That's Uncle Sam
and the Russian bear.
(laughing):
Yeah.
Yeah.
But you don't have a caption.
You, too, huh?
Hmm?
Wh-why does it
need a caption
when they're looking
at each other
with those expressions
on their faces?
You mean you're saying we don't
get along with the Russians?
Well, there you go.
Was that so hard?
So, what are you going
to do in Oregon?
(indistinct
conversation)
Alex!
Alex, Alex, Alex,
Alex, Alex, Alex.
Well, I did it.
And it worked.
All right!
It worked!
I almost gave that money away
six times,
and it just didn't seem right.
Then, this little old lady gets
into my cab.
She's got seven kids and--
would you believe it?--
the landlady wants to shut
the heat off in their apartment.
Unbelievable.
Well, if you'd
have seen the look
on that lady's face when I
handed her that 1,100 bucks.
It would've knocked you out!
All right, Alex!
That's great.
I only gave you
a thousand.
Well, a guy can chip in,
too, right?
Aw.
Did I tell you or
did I tell you?
You ain't kidding, boy.
Hey, hey, you can give away
as much money
as you want
from now on.
Yeah.
Oh, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
A deal is a deal.
I said I would stop
if any one of you
didn't agree with me.
And I haven't heard
from Louie yet.
ELAINE: Oh, come on, Jim,
let's go to Mario's
What are you, kidding?
and celebrate, and you can deal
with Louie later.
Yeah, come on, let's go.
Come on, come on!
Hey, don't bother
with Louie.
The only thing
that guy ever enjoyed
giving anyone
was hepatitis.
For the last time, Louie,
I'm not taking the money.
Jeff, Jeff, I told you,
there are no
strings attached.
I told you that I do not want
anything from you in return.
I don't care.
I don't want the money.
All right.
Jim gave me the money.
He said I had
to give it away.
He's trying to prove
some crazy point
about how good it feels
to give away money.
This is Jim's money?
Yeah, it's Jim's money.
You need it,
so take it, take it, take it,
take it, take it!
All right,
I'll take it!
Thank you.
Ah, geez!
I mean, Iggy said
I'd feel great.
I said I wouldn't feel anything.
I never imagined that I
would feel like a sack of dirt.
This is something.
I mean, you couldn't believe...
that I wanted to do
something nice for you.
You couldn't believe
that I was capable
of doing one
decent thing.
You could not believe
that I thought of
you as a friend.
(slams)
Louie.
I'm sorry.
No, Louie,
I-I mean it.
Really.
I'm sorry.
Thanks. The family
will appreciate this.
(chuckles)
All right.
(gentle laugh)
Feels good...
doesn't it, boss?
(theme song playing)
WOMAN:
Good night, Mr. Walters!
(man grumbling)
05x23 - A Grand Gesture
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This Emmy-winning sitcom follows the lives of a group of cabbies in New York.
This Emmy-winning sitcom follows the lives of a group of cabbies in New York.