05x24 - Simka's Monthlies

[bunniefuu]

(theme song playing)

ALEX:
Yeah. All right.

Well, bye-bye, everybody.

Huh?

I'm going to meet Simka at
the Department of Immigration

so she can get her green card
and stay in America forever.

Oh... yeah!
ALEX:
Hey, Latka, Latka,
that's great.

That's great.
LATKA:
We'll have a party,

and you're
all invited.

Oh.
JIM:
Uh, excuse me?

Are you serving

barbecued yak lips again?

I-I wasn't planning on it,

but, uh, if you want, okay,
we'll serve it just for you.

(mumbling)

Latka, wait, Latka, Latka,
listen, I got a great idea.

And, uh, believe me, this is not
a comment on how you entertain.

Uh, just to save you
the trouble,

why don't you let us
handle the party?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, this-this feels
like this is a nice way

of you saying
that our parties stink.

A very nice way.

Tony, Tony, will you?

Okay, well, in that case,
we'll be home at 6:30.

Okay, we'll
do it.
Okay, all right,
all right.

Hey, Latka, how are we gonna get
in your apartment?

Open the door and walk in.

Oh, what are you
talking about?

Latka, don't you
lock your door?

Why? This is America.

ALEX:
Oh, no.

Latka, I mean, this-this
is a great country

in a lot of respects,
but you know,

there are still some vile,
horrid people around.

Oh, that reminds me.

Uh, Louie?

Thanks for thinking of me.

Hey, look at this!

Look at this.

Well, what
do you know?
Ooh!

Did you do all this?
Hey, Jim!

Yup. Pretty snazzy, huh?

ELAINE:
You got it.

I wanted Simka's party
to have a patriotic motif.

Where'd you get all this stuff?

Democratic Convention, 1968.

Did I ever tell
you I was there?

ELAINE:
Uh-huh.

Yes, you did. In fact,
you told us you got arrested.

Yup, for stealing
decorations.

They never would have caught me,

except I went back
for one other item.

What was that?

John Chancellor's tie.

(Simka and Latka arguing loudly
in their native language)

(loud thud on door)

(shouting)

Hi!

Gee,

what is this?

It looks likes
Uncle Sam exploded in here.

Yeah.

They thought you were going
to get your green card,

and they wanted
to give you a party.

TONY:
Yeah.

Oh! What a great
surprise!

You have such
nice friends.

Gee,

it's such a pleasure
to have you in my home,

and I hope
you have a great party.

(voice breaking):
All right? Good night.

That was a
lovely speech.

Huh?

Oh, Latka, didn't-didn't Simka
get her green card?

No, no, but

that doesn't matter.
It's-It's all right.

Listen, let's
have some fun.

Now, who's up for
bobbing for fish parts?

ALEX:
Wait a minute.

Wait a minute, Latka.

Simka didn't get
her green card?

Was there some
kind of problem?

No, is no problem.

She just didn't go
inside the building.

But that-that doesn't matter.

Here, uh, Jim,
you fill up the sink.

Uh, Elaine, open up this can
of flounder faces.

Alex, hold your nose
and count to 20.

Yeah, wait
a minute.

SIMKA:
Ha!

LATKA:
Uh-oh.

Hi, everybody.

How is the party going?

Is everybody having a good time?

Now, if there is anything
that you want,

don't hesitate to ask for it.

Don't mind me.

I just had a craving
for a little salt, you know?

Uh, Latka,
close the drape.

Okay, now, uh,
who wants to bob first?

Me!

But I've got to warn you,
I've done this professionally.

Latka?

Latka, I-I don't want
to butt in,

but, uh, she wouldn't go
into the office,

and she's acting
very peculiar.

You don't miss
a thing, do you?

Listen, it's no
cause for alarm.

She gets this way
once a month.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Are we supposed
to have realized something here?

Okay, Jim?

Huh?

Simka's having her,
uh, monthly problem.

Bills, bills, bills.

Well, who is winning?

I am.

Hey, Latka,
what are you doing here?

I thought you had that,
uh, big appointment

at the Immigration Office.

That's right.

What's the hurry?

This is the third interview
we've lined up,

and Simka has yet to show up.

She's going to be deported,

and my life's going
to be a barren desert.

(sighs)

Why did these interviews
have to happen

while she's having
her crimpka poosh?

Well, Latka,

maybe if you
explain to them

that she wasn't
feeling very well,

they-they'd postpone it
for a couple of days.

Couple of days?

Yeah.

It's going to be
more like two weeks.

Oh, no, no, Latka, I'm
sure you're mistaken.

No, Simka's...

A woman's...

Well...

Well, my...
crimpka poosh...

(laughs)

...lasts four days tops.

Elaine,

you don't have crimpka poosh.

Latka,

I don't want to argue
the point, but I do.

No, you don't.

Yes, I do!

You don't.

Latka, I have crimpka poosh,

and I have been crimpka pooshing
since I was 12.

Elaine, you don't
by any chance think

I'm talking
about your period, do you?

Well, I did.

But maybe because
I love talking about it so much.

Now, wait a minute, wait.

If that's not it, then-then what
is it you're talking about?

TONY:
Yeah, what is it?
Yeah.

Well, I'm talking
about the two weeks every month

when Simka becomes
like another person.

Is, uh... she,
by any chance, clumsy, Latka?

Yes. How did you know?

And she craves salt?

Yes.

As a matter of fact,
she puts it in the coffee.

Hey, it tastes terrible.

Uh-huh.

Uh, does she have...

headaches?

Talking jags?

Crying jags? Depressions?

Yes.

(clears throat)

Latka, I'm no scientist
or medical authority.

I'm just an average Joe.

But in my opinion,
Simka suffers

from premenstrual syndrome.

Oh, really?
You think so?

That's terrible.

Yes.

I read about it
in the Harvard Medical Journal.

Or was it on a box
of Cocoa Puffs?

Huh?

Jim, please tell me
more about this.

Simply stated,

throughout Simka's
monthly cycle,

hormonal changes occur which...

(phone ringing)

I'll get it.

Hey! Hey, wait
a minute!

Where are you going?

Come back here, you.

ELAINE:
Latka?
Wait a minute!

Latka, I know what
Jim is talking about,

and I think he's
right. I-I...

Just... It sounds
like, uh...

It sounds like Simka's suffering
from premenstrual syndrome.

But don't worry about it.

I had a friend
who had it.

She went to her doctor.
He gave her vitamins.

He changed her diet and-and
it really made a difference.

How long did it take?

About two months.
Well, I only

have six minutes
before this interview.

It's the last chance
before Simka gets deported.

Hey, Latka, Latka, excuse
me, but, uh, sometimes

when, uh, someone knows,
uh, what they've got,

it makes it easier for
them to deal with it.

Now I'll bet that just before
you go into that interview,

if you take Simka aside
and explain to her

just what's wrong with her,

it's gonna help her
get through it.

Yeah, yeah.
Oh, that sounds
like a good idea.

Yeah.
I'm going to meet her
right now

at the Department of
Immigration, and I'll tell her.

Okay,
good luck.
Okay.

Bye-bye.

TONY:
Good luck, Latka.

Good luck, baby.
I've got
to go, too, you guys.

I'll see you.

Hey, wait up.
I'll walk you out.

Hey, take it easy, Al.

Okay, see you later.

LOUIE:
Boy, Reiger,

I'd hate to be you.

I'd hate to be the one

who ends up having
to help everybody else.

Geez, what a sap!

It may surprise you, Louie,

but I happen
to enjoy helping people.

And, yes, I will admit,

it gives me
a certain pleasure, yes.

(groans)

JIM:
Poor Latka.

That was Simka on the phone.

She says she's not gonna show up
for her interview this time.

I tried to persuade her,

but she growled at me.

I guess she's gonna be deported.

She is doomed.

Is there no one
who can save her?

Is there no one who
can go over there

and talk some sense

into the poor,
demented soul?

Oh, it seems
so hopeless.

(gasps)

But wait a minute!

Reiger the
Good is here!

He'll save the day

and enjoy
himself to boot.

Let the good times roll, Reiger!

(knocking on door)
ALEX:
Simka?

(knocking continues)
Simka?!

Simka?

(growling)

Simka, I, uh, I want
to talk to you.

(Simka growling)

Now, look, Simka, if that's
you, you better stop this.

(yells)

Oh, so, Reiger, what,

you were just
in the neighborhood

and decided to drop by
uninvited and scream at me?

No, no, no, no,
no, I, uh...

(crunching)
I was a little startled

when you pulled
that curtain open.
Mm-hmm.

Look, Simka, I just came here
to tell you something that,

that's gonna make you
feel a lot better

so you can go to the interview.

I ain't going to no interview!

(whimpering):
My barbecue chips!

Oh, come on, Simka,
you got to go.

If you don't go, you're gonna
have to leave the country.

I'm going to have to leave
the country anyway, Reiger.

Because I'm crazy.

I'm a mad woman that
Latka is well rid of.

Dear Lord, help me, I'm wacko!

I'm wacko!

Reiger, I'm wacko.

No, Simka, Simka,
you are not crazy.

You are not wacko.

You have premenstrual syndrome.

Pre-what syndrome?

Menstrual.

You had just better
be talking about

little men in blackface
who play the banjos, buddy.

Because where I come from,

we do not talk about
the other thing

in front of a man.

Oh, come on, Simka,
this is America!

Oh! Oh, it's America.

Oh, forgive me, I lost my head.

I-I got nothing
to be ashamed of here.

No, no, sir.

I want all America to know
that I have a menstrual problem.

Maybe we could just

work it in to the half-time
show at the Super Bowl.

No, no, wait, wait.
Where are you going?

Oh, I'm just going
up to the roof

to sing a few bars
of "I Enjoy Being a Girl"

and then I'm gonna jump.

No, no, no, Simka, Simka,

Simka, please,
just listen to me,

listen, you're not crazy,
you're not crazy.

You have premenstrual syndrome.

Simka, it's not your fault.

Now a lot of women have it.

It's not completely understood,

but I'm telling you,
it can be treated.

You're not just lying to me

to get me to go
to that interview, are you?

No, no, no, no, I'm
telling you the truth.

Really?

Yes, yes, of course.

Simka, there's nothing
to be ashamed of.

Well then, if there's
nothing to be ashamed of,

how come it hasn't been
the movie of the week?

Well, I'm sure it will be.

They'll probably
call it "The Love Bloat."

(laughing)

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

What if I go to this interview

and then I get there
and I say the wrong thing?

Would you please help me, Alex?

Of course, I'll...
Oh!

Don't touch me,
just help me.
Right.

I won't touch you,
I won't touch you.

Look, Simka, all
I can say to you

is that if you don't go down
to that Immigration office

right now, they're
going to deport you.

And you're gonna
break Latka's heart

and possibly ruin
both of your lives.

Now, look, Simka, now
that I think you know

what causes the problem
and that you're not crazy,

that you'll be able to find it
in yourself to get up now

and go down to that interview
and get through it.

I'm, I'm gonna try.

Good, good.

And, and, and I think
I could do it, too.

I know you can.
I think I could

get myself under control
and convince them

that I'm a reasonably
sane and rational person.

Right.

All right, let's go.

Wait, uh, Simka, wait,

uh, what about
what you're wearing?

Of course.

Do you like this?

Now that is exactly
what a rational,

sane person would wear.

Good, I'll change on the bus.

No, no, no, no, Simka,
wait, Simka, wait, wait!

LATKA:
But I think my favorite part

of America
is the fruited plain.

Of course the purple
mountain majesty

is nothing to shake a stick at.

And you know, when
I hear people say

that they don't like America,

they think it's a troubled
land on its last legs,

I say, "You should be happy
to live in a land

"where you have the
freedom to criticize.

"In my country, you'd
be covered with jelly

and sent to live
among the fat."

Mr. Gravas, please,
the question was,

"What was your wife's
maiden name?"

Dahblitz.

But I don't understand

why you're asking me
these, these questions.

"What is my favorite TV show?"

"What do I have for
breakfast this morning?"

Why don't you ask me
why I love America?

I'm asking specific
personal questions

so I can compare
your answers to your wife's

to make sure that you
really live together.

You know, a lot of people
try to fool us

with a paper marriage so
they can stay in the country.

Frankly, Mr. Gravas,

since your wife
hasn't been showing up,

I've become a little
suspicious of you.

You think you can tell a lot

from asking me these
stupid questions?

It isn't just the questions.

I also look to see
how people react.

That's the real giveaway.

If people are very nervous
and fidgety, well,

I know they're trying
to put one over on us.

Yeah, well let me tell you
something about my wife.

She's naturally
nervous and fidgety.

And matter of fact, one of
the reasons I married her

is because she's
nervous and fidgety.

Wait until you see.

It's a real turn-on.

She's one...

She's one hot, fidgety mama.

Yeah, well, if she doesn't
get here in about a minute,

I'm afraid I'm going
to have to miss that.

Now, Mr. Gravas,
the final question is,

"What was the last movie
you and your wife saw together?"

Um, oh, it was
Officer and a Gentleman.

I remember because I thought

it was going to be
a double feature.

Well, that was the last question

and she's still not here.

I'm afraid I'm going to have
to terminate her application.

No! No!
I'm sorry.

No, please, no, no,
but you don't understand

what America means
to people like us.
I have to get home for dinner.

I love my wife.
If you send her back,

Yes.
I have to go too and our
children won't be able to,

I understand that.
to grow up in such
a beautiful country.

Please, understand that.

I take it this
is Mrs. Gravas?

Yes.

Hello, everybody.

Simka, I have to
talk to you.

I have some good news
about your crimpka poosh.

Not now, dear.

Um, hello.

I'm so sorry I'm late.

And I hope I haven't
inconvenienced you,

Mr. Officer of the Land.

Sit down, will you?

Thank you.

Good.

Now, Mrs. Gravas,

I'm going to ask
a few questions.

Right.

What was the last movie you
and your husband saw together?

With all due respect, do you
mind if I ask you a question?

Sure.

What has that got to do

with the price of tea in China?

I'm going to compare your
answer to your husband's.

Now, what was the last movie
you two saw together?

Okay, let me think.

Movie.

Movie, movie, movie,
movie, movie...

Why am I thinking about movies?

Because I asked you
what the last movie

you two saw together was.

Oh! Of course!

Of course, wait a minute.

Um...

Ooh, it's just right
on the top of my tongue.

Oh, let me think,
what was it?

What was it? What was
it? What was it?

See, I told you.
It's a real turn-on.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I, I, I got it!

What was the last movie

that Latka and I
saw together?

That's the question.

What's the answer?

Oh, of course.

Of course.

No, wait a minute,
no, no, don't worry,

uh, I can think of it.

I can think of it, don't worry.

Don't worry.

(shrieks) I got it!

I got it.

It was Ghandi.

Oh, she's right.

I'm sorry, I forgot.

I forgot.

I said it was
Officer and a Gentleman.

But, but don't worry, Simka.

There are still
a few more questions.
No!

Excuse me.

What do you mean there are
still a few more questions?

We already got one wrong

because you can't
tell the difference

between Richard Gere
and a bald Hindu.

Now, now, Simka, be calm.

What do you mean, be calm?

You wouldn't be so calm
if it was you

who was gonna get deported.

Well, if you would
answer the questions,

you won't be deported.

Well, what's the use of
answering the questions

if you got them all wrong?

Now, listen here you...

(arguing in foreign language)

(yelling in foreign language)

Uh, excuse me?

Excuse me!

I don't think there's any point
in going on with this interview.

Oh, no!

Latka, what have I done?

Your green card
will be in the mail shortly.

Yes, I'm thoroughly
convinced that you two

are legitimately
husband and wife.

Latka!
Simka!

We did it!
Oh!

Uh, you can leave now.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Uh, wait a minute.

Aren't you gonna give us
that speech about

"Welcome to America"?

We don't do that.

Oh...

Welcome to America, Mrs. Gravas.

Thank you!

I passed!

(theme song playing)

WOMAN:
Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)