05x16 - A Taxi Celebration: Part 1

[bunniefuu]

Hi, I'm Danny De Vito.

We've just completed
filming five years of Taxi

and NBC thought it
was time to celebrate.

So, we put together
scenes from our best shows.

Now, if you've been watching
Taxi for the past five years,

you're in for some
great memories.

And if you haven't,

(muttering): you
dirty miserable...

Come on in here.

(theme song playing)

(loud whirring)

Excuse me, um, my
name's Elaine Nardo.

They told me to ask for Louie.

Yes, ma'am.

I'm Louie De Palma. Oh, hi.

I hope there's no trouble.

If there is, I'll be glad
to help in any way I can.

Oh, no, no, it's just
that they told me

I'd be starting work
today as a driver.

Oh, here's my hack license.

You're a cabdriver? Uh-huh.

What do you mean
busting my chops here,

making believe
you're a regular person.

Go wait over there!

I'll call your name and number!

Till then, keep your mouth shut!

What's wrong?

Don't they feed you in there?

Whoo.

Whoo, whoo.

Oh, you mustn't be too
upset with Louie, Miss.

He's really a very nice guy.

He'll give you the
scales off his back.

Well, I don't have to
worry too much about him.

I'm only gonna be
working here part-time.

Oh. Yeah, I have this other job,

Oh... where I work as...

Yeah, yeah, I know.
We're all part-time here.

I'm part-time.

I only work hours a week.

No, really, I really work as a
receptionist at an art gallery.

Oh, yeah? No, I, I'm
not really a taxi driver.

No, no, I understand.

You see that guy over
there? Now he's an actor.

The guy on the phone?
He's a prizefighter.

This lady over here?
She's a beautician.

The man behind
her? He's a writer.

Me? I'm a cabdriver.

I'm the only
cabdriver in this place.

Why is everyone
here just a little angry?

Okay, we got a lot of cabs here!

Reiger, .

Banta, - .

Nardo, - .

Wheeler, .

Gravas! Fix the horn on...

Jim, please don't be offended
by what I'm about to say,

but don't you ever feel
like you're wasting your life?

Me? No, no.

I have function in life.

I-I stand for something.

Not everybody stands
for something, but I do.

I am the living
embodiment of the ' s.

Everything that came
along, I went with,

even if I didn't know
what it was, I went with it.

I marched in protest
against that crummy w*r.

Is that so?

Pardon me?

Hey, hey, hey, Tony.

No, I got something
to say, Alex.

You know, the only reason why
guys like you got to stay home

protesting and getting
loaded is because guys like me

were over in Nam doing
your fighting for you.

What do you say to that?

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Take it easy, old man, and...

Good night. Hey, guys.

Let's get him a job.

Yeah, let's do that.

Doing what?

Are you kidding?

What kind of training
could he possibly have?

None.

What kind of skills
could we possibly have?

None.

What kind of job could
we possibly get him?

ALL: Cabdriver.

BOBBY: Here, let
me help you out, okay?

"Have you ever experienced
loss of consciousness,

"hallucinations, dizzy
spells, convulsive disorders,

fainting or periods
of loss of memory"?

Hasn't everyone?

Put "no."

Uh... "Mental illness
or narcotic addiction?"

That's a tough choice.

No.

Just put "no."

Okay, that's it.

You're ready for the test.

I thought this was the test!

No, no, no, this
is the application.

Oh, man!

Psst.

What does a yellow light mean?

Slow down.

Okay.

(slowly): What... does... a...

yellow... light... mean?

Slow down.

Okay.

(slower): What... does... a...

yellow... light... mean?

Slow down!

(slower): What...

does...

a...

yellow... light... mean?

It doesn't get any better.

Hi.

I'm-I'm Alex.

You blew it. You could've said

you were looking for
another apartment.

No, I was looking
for this one... -D.

It fell off when I
knocked... on the door.

Well, my admirers will just
have to wander the halls

looking for me. Um...

I hate to disappoint
you, but I'm Angela.

Oh, here... Here's your "D."

You want to come in?

Huh? Yeah, sure.

You got guts.

Hey, Elaine, can I talk
to you for a minute?

Yeah, sure.

I-I don't want any
advice. I just want to talk.

Go ahead.

I can't stop thinking
about that girl.

You know, you're a terrific guy.

That's not what I want to hear.

Which just goes to show
you how terrific you are.

All night long, she kept accusing
me of going through the motions.

That, uh, I wouldn't call her
again because of her looks.

And I kept telling
her she was wrong.

Terrific.

But she wasn't wrong.

Oh, Alex, you, too? No.

Hey, listen, what I
can't figure out is that,

that hour I had with
her on the phone

was one of the greatest
conversations I've ever had.

A witty, bright, sensitive girl

who came to the
door disappeared.

What happened to her?

Maybe Angela ate her.

It wasn't just her looks.

She was also the bitterest,

surliest, most depressing
person I ever met.

So how come I feel like I
have to go see her again?

So, what's on your mind?

Well, I, uh... I
don't really know.

I, uh...

I guess I would sort of like
to get to know you better.

Why?

Why not?

Well, you might not
know to look at me,

but, um, I'm not
exactly beautiful

or, uh, even good-looking.

I'm not quite plain.

Now feel free to jump
in and stop me anytime.

Hey, come on.

I'm no Robert Redford, you know.

I wouldn't mind looking
like you if I was a man.

Would you want to look like me?

It wouldn't be so bad.

I'd, you know, kind
of fix up my hair

and, uh, I'd do that
sort of stuff with makeup

and, uh, I'd go to a gym
and, uh, I'd work on myself.

I mean, that's what I would do.

I mean, not that I'm saying
that you should do anything.

That's just what I would do.

Okay, uh, let's say I did
all the hairdo and makeup

and everything, dropped
ten or pounds...

Do you think I'd be attractive?

Do you think I'd be attractive?

Yeah, sure, why not?

In a romantic sort of way?

You don't have to
answer. You could just nod.

(nervous chuckle)

Hey, look, uh, I'm not, uh,

I haven't been romantically
involved in eight years

and I'm not about to
break my streak right now.

Hey, look, we-we, uh,

we did have fun
talking on the phone

the other day, didn't we?

I mean, that was
sort of special.

Hey, look, I'm... I swear,

I'm not that, uh, comfortable
with that many people.

I just think that we
could get to be friends.

I can't believe you came
all the way back here

just because you
forgot to give me

the "let's be friends" speech.

Hey, can we drop that?

I just think I'd like to get to
know you better, that's all.

You want me to open up?

Would that make you happy?

Make you feel like you did
your good deed for the day?

Okay. Okay.

But then you better
plan on sticking around.

'Cause I'm not
standing here alone

with my insides on the
floor while, uh, you walk out

feeling you did the poor
fat girl some big favor

by helping her get in
touch with her feelings.

You want to be a hero?

Then be prepared to stick
around for the rest of the w*r, okay?

Maybe I will.

But can we start slower?

Like where we
went to high school?

And then we'll work up to
your insides on the floor.

Hey, Angela, I think we
had a normal moment there.

Huh?

(laughing)

Well, listen, you don't mind
if I get a little clear on, uh,

what we're trying
to establish here?

Wouldn't make
you nuts, would it?

No, it would not make me nuts.

Uh... So, uh... So
what it is, is-is...

I could call you
whenever I feel like it?

If I need advice,
I could call you?

Yeah.

Uh, if you need advice,
you could call me?

Yep.

If we have something
interesting happening,

we could call each other?

Yeah.

We could call just
to sh**t the breeze?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Or, uh... if I just need a hug?

Oh, you know how long
it's been since I cried?

No.

A half an hour.

MAN: Conskufflement.

You are now husband and wife.

All right!

(cheering)

Is nothing personal.
I am a married man.

It's a very simple
choice, Latka.

Either you have sex with
me or you freeze to death.

Sex. Death.

Sex. Death.

Hmm.

Why don't you tell me a
little bit about yourself?

Oh, Simka, hello.

What are you doing here?

Well, you see, because
Latka has had sex

with someone he works with,

our priest has said

that I also must have sex
with someone he works with

if we wish to remain married.

And we decided that the last
man to enter the dinner party

would be the one.

And, as you know,
you were tardy.

May I come in?

Yeah, I-I don't think I
understand any of this,

but come in.

I suppose you want to have
someone to talk to, right?

Talk is cheap. I want your body.

(chuckles anxiously)

You're not serious, are you?

It won't take long.

I know you have
to go to work soon.

I just want to have sex with
you and then I'll run along.

No, no, no, stop that!

Stop it... Stop it
right now. Stop it!

Alex, if you do not help us,

Latka and I must
circle each other once

and complete the
ancient divorce ritual,

and I will do anything to
keep that from happening.

See? Smooth, milky white. Yours.

Simka, Simka, no... stop that.

That's barbaric, you know that?

Are you telling me that
in that religion of yours

that, uh, two wrongs
actually make a right?

"In that religion of yours"?

Do you mock us?

Do I mock you because you do
not eat animals with cloven hooves

unless they chew their cud? No!

Your people knew
that it was unhealthy.

Please, Simka.

But our people know that
you cannot have intimacy again

without knowing
the pain of infidelity

that the other one went through.

Ours, like yours, is
a profound tradition

of tolerance,
brotherhood and faith.

Now, peel me like a grape,
so I can get out of here!

I must take one last
look at you as my wife.

Simka... you will
always have my heart.

I don't need it without you.

I will miss you.

I will miss your touch.

Are they unhappy?

It's because they got divorced?

Yeah.

Why don't they just
get married again?

It's not that simple, Jim.

You think they'd go
through this kind of hell

if they could just marry again?

We must seek the
Reverend Gorky right away!

Jim, thank you.

(smooching)

Thank you very much.

Let's try to make
it work this time.

Well, sit down, tell
me about it. Come on.

See... I'm in a tough spot.

I really like Elaine.

You son of a g*n, you!

Tony, the problem is I
like somebody else, too.

Oh. Somebody else?

Well, man, that's a problem.

It is a problem, Tony.
I feel bad about it.

Oh...

I honestly never meant
to get involved with Elaine.

Oh...

You remember the night I
came up to you two at the bar?

I said, "Are you two together?"

Yeah. I told you we weren't.

(sighs)

Well, she wasn't the
one I was after, Tony.

Oh, no?

No.

Oh, no, no, no, no...

He wants to date me.

No.

Yeah.

No, you must have
misinterpreted what he meant.

Well, he said my
simplicity was engaging

and that we'd be
wonderful together.

Oh, no.

Well, see, now the
point is here, Alex,

that this could go
rough on Elaine.

I mean, if she's getting serious
about him, she should know.

So, should I tell 'em?

No, I say he ought to tell her.

Someone's got to talk to
Kirk and set him straight...

as it were.

Thanks, Alex. Let me
know how it turns out.

No, no, no, no. I'm
not going to do it.

For once in my
life, I am not going

to let this thing get
dumped in my lap.

You tell him.

All right. I know it's my job,

but do you think you
could come along with me?

I mean, you don't
have to say nothing.

Oh, Tony...

All you got to do is sit
there and be a buddy.

Come on, Alex, please,
please, please, please.

All right, all right, all right.

I don't understand.

Why can't you do
this by yourself?

I can't be alone with him.

I'm the one he spends
tortured nights dreaming about.

He said that?

No, I'm just assuming.

This is a gay bar, isn't it?

Yeah, sure.

This your first time here?

Oh, yes, yes.

I'm sorry, I, uh...

I didn't mean by
saying "yes" so quickly

that I thought it'd be terrible
if I'd been here before.

Because, well, actually, it
would not have been terrible

if I had been here before.

You know, I-I've
been meaning to.

Just out of
curiosity, of course.

No, I don't mean you're
a curiosity, but, I mean, I...

Let's not chat anymore.

I used to be such a
good chatter, you know?

(chuckles)

Look, uh, Kirk, I-I
have a really terrible,

uh, difficult thing
to talk to you about,

and I-I don't even
know how to start.

Alex, I think I can guess
what you're trying to tell me.

You can?

But I've already told
Elaine that I'm bisexual.

Shh!

Oh, okay. It's okay here.

I'm sorry.

Anyway...

we're still friends
and we had a fine talk.

Oh, and by the way,

I understand that Tony's not
interested and that's okay, too.

Oh, wow.

Can we have a couple of beers?

Sure.

Hey, chief, can we
get a couple beers?

Well, I thought this
was going to be difficult,

but instead it's a snap.

Boy, am I a lucky guy.

Excuse me. Would
you like to dance?

No, no, no, no, no. I'm
just having a beer with a pal.

Thanks. Come on.

Don't be shy.

No, no, no, I really can't.

(disco dance music plays)

It's okay with me.

Whoa!

I-I'll just...

Good step.

Duck! What?

Thanks, pal. Thank
you very much.

Yeah, one, two, three, ha!

One, two, three, go!

One, two, three, step!

One, two, three, dance!

One, two, three, dance!

(dance music continues)

(all cheering and whooping)

(all shouting encouragement)

(cheering, whooping)

(rhythmic clapping)

(cheering and dance
music continue)

Alex, Elaine's heart
is getting broken

and you're having a
great time here, dancing.

(theme song playing)

WOMAN: Good night, Mr. Walters!

(man grumbling)