21x15 - Adoptation

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Family Guy". Aired January 1999 - current.
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"Family Guy" revolves around the adventures of the dysfunctional Griffin family striving to cope with everyday life in the fictional city of Quahog, Rhode Island, as they are thrown from one crazy scenario to another.
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21x15 - Adoptation

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♪ ♪

Well, should we say prayers first?


(LAUGHS): Can you imagine?

What a bunch of losers.

Oh, sometimes I like
the kind of trash we are.

So, how'd everyone sleep?

- Fine.
- Good.

Not good. I heard Meg having a one-some.

Oh, I had the most random dream.

Peter, you were there.

- Uh-huh.
- We were at home.

Except in my dream...

Oh, Brian, wait, you got to hear this.

Our house looked like Grandma's house,

and for some reason,
I was in my underwear,

shaking a big bag of kibble.

Meg, you spilled Doritos on the carpet,

and I was trying to vacuum them up,

but the vacuum had hair
all over it for some reason.

Imagine that.

And, Chris, you were wearing a tie

'cause you had an interview
at the brewery,

if you can believe it.


Well, that is one crazy dream.

LOIS: That's not even the crazy part.

- Brian, I asked you to drive him,

but you kept saying
your car was in Nevada.

Wow, that is nuts.

- (WHISPERS): Stewie!

Ah, screw it.



- Whew.
- Oh, thank God.

(SHIVERS) This is still better.

S-S-Still better.

S-Still so much better.

And, Peter, you wanted
to go swimming in our pool,

- which of course we don't have.
- Uh-huh.

LOIS: You had this
ridiculously giant towel.


Oh, and get this: it had Nemo on it.

Oh, boy, that-that is,
that is some dream.


LOIS: And he was
wearing giant sunglasses.


Poor bastard's stuck
hearing a wife dream.

Yeah, I kept telling you
to pick it up, pick it up,

but there was cotton in my mouth.

Oh, my goodness.

My uncle died this way.

and we had cats for some reason.


Uhp, I backed up all the way
into the show before us.

Wife talking about her dream.

Homer, you've got company.

Why are there two sets of prices?

One's the Emmy-winner discount.


Black coffee and toast, please.

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is v*olence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Oh, so wonderful to see you all.

The kids are getting so big.

Especially Chris.

Is he diabetic?

We don't see doctors,
but we're pretty sure.

May I take your order?

Crayons and a silly map, please.

Excellent choice.

ANNOUNCER: We interrupt this program

for a Channel Five special report.

Good evening, Quahog.

The Exxon Pewterschmidt has crashed

and released millions of gallons of oil

into the Gulf of Mexico,
contaminating marine life

and causing irreparable damage
to the ecosystem.

Two anonymous whistleblowers
blame negligence.

They cut corners left and right.
This was inevitable.

What happened to
the oil-covered little crab?

He, uh, he-he had to leave.

- Did you eat the little crab?
- They cut a lot of corners!

Oh, my God, those poor fish.

They're in water.

If they can't get clean in
water, where can they get clean?

This is serious, Daddy.

Sweetie, if it was so serious,

we'd flip to me in a boardroom
with a crisis team.

Ah, I didn't grab my drink.

Mr. Pewterschmidt, it's imperative

we do immediate damage control,
or your stock will plummet.

See what I'm doing here?

The "throw the money at it" gesture.

Pay someone to do something worse

so everyone forgets my thing.

Cue the video.


♪ ♪

Hi. I'm Joseph Hazelwood,

former captain of the Exxon Valdez

and Anchorage Ballroom
Dance Champion.

That gets a little overshadowed,

but it doesn't diminish
the accomplishment.

Anyway, as someone
who single-handedly spilled

million gallons of oil
into the Prince William Sound,

I know a thing or two
about evading responsibility.

Just find a scapegoat to blame it on.

The number two man in the company

or a relative.

Perhaps a son-in-law.

A simpleton to blame things on.



There's some kind of force field.

Ah! Ah!

Daddy, you are not
blaming this on Peter.

Some other options are a donation

and a photo op at an orphanage.

Or building a Holocaust memorial.

Ugh, haven't those n*zi
been praised enough?

Hello, hello.

Welcome to Our Lady
of the Immaculate Anus.

I think that word is "Agnes."

Oh, no.

That's the only reason
I volunteered here.

I need a photo with an orphan.
Are you in charge?

Oh, no, I just volunteers on weekends.

I love kids, and I'm an expert at going,

"Tsk, tsk, tsk."

Uh, that one looks the least filthy.

Okay, let's get a picture
so I can get out of here.

I bet you're only here
'cause you did something bad

and think a photo with an orphan
will fix it.

Well, duh.

Then if you want a photo,
you have to buy me candy.

I'm not buying you candy. Go to hell.

There's plenty of other CEOs who will.

And Andrew Cuomo.

Who wants to see my nipple rings?

Now bring that face over here
for an unwanted smooch.

Okay, fine. We'll go across
the street to Rexall's

and get some menthol jellies.

You like menthol jellies?

Oh, what am I saying?
Every kid loves menthol jellies.

What's going on?
Do you have Parkinson's?

No, I'm skipping.

Skipping? Never heard of it.

Hey, how many of these orphans
are really just

adult little people hiding from the law?

Just the ones in large bonnets
smoking cigars.

My people groped Judy Garland
something awful.

Look it up.

Kind of a dick move
to open a candy store

across the street from an orphanage.

Sorry, we have to hold an adult's hand

when we cross the street.

No, it's fine.

I just can't remember the last time

someone held my hand.

It's kind of nice.

So, what happened to your parents?

They left me on
the orphanage steps as a baby.

That should be funny to me,
but for some reason, it's not.

Well, thank you for the candy.

I actually enjoyed it.

You're good company.

♪ ♪

You know, this is a crazy thought,

but you're crammed in this filthy place

while I've got a gigantic house.

Why don't you come live with me?

- Really?
- Yeah. I could buy you.

- You mean adopt?
- Oh, whatever they call it.

It'll be nice to have you around.

Why, we'll make a better team
than the Brooks Brothers.

Hey, I can make boxy suits.

And I only know lacrosse guys.

ANNOUNCER: Brooks Brothers:

look sharp at your sexual as*ault trial.

What do you say?
Want to come live with us?

Well, I've never had a parent to tell me

not to go home with strangers, so sure.

Great, why don't you go wait in the car.

I'm just gonna get a receipt
in case we get home

and you have a clubfoot or something.

- I don't.
- Uh, yeah,

I'll-I'll probably
just grab the receipt.

♪ ♪

For our top story tonight,
we go to the statehouse

with Uncomfortable Audio Delay Gina.


- We seem to be having a prob...
- That's right, Tom.

I just found out
my father adopted a little girl.

- Carter?
- Yeah, if he wanted a little girl,

we could've just given him Stewie.

Whoa! And good morning to you, too, Pop.

I just don't get it.

I mean, Daddy's never taken
an interest in kids.

Can anyone say "tax deduction"?


Yeah, you proud of that?

You proud of your comment, Brian?

Taking aim at hypocrisy?

Exposing the underbelly of human nature?

- Uhp, I said "belly."
- BRIAN: Belly?!

Ugh, fine.

- There we go, kick the leg.

That's how I know
you're having a good time.

I just don't get it.

I was raised by our nanny.

I mean, Daddy didn't even
learn my name until I was eight.

Well, what was it?

- Lois.
- Oh.

Every birthday, I begged him
to take me to the zoo,

and Mother made him take me.

But it was the ' s.

Daddy was always too busy making

giant cell phone deals on the beach.

- Not now, Lois.

What about the zoo?

I'll take you to the trading floor

on Wall Street instead.

Now, that's a zoo.

Ah, the guy, the guy
on the other end is laughing.

LOIS: We never made it to the zoo.

My God, that poor little girl
needs help.

Check it out. Brian's got
a belly rub erection.


Oh, precious. Precious moments.

Welcome, everyone.

Oh, Mother, I came as soon as I heard.

Now, where is the little girl?
Is she okay?

Oh, she's fine.

She and Carter are
painting each other's nails.

What? He never did that with me.

Your nails are already yellow.

Yeah, the toes are the first to die.

Just add some blue;
it'll make it a nice green.

We're out of blue.

Well, then just slap
some googly eyes on them

and we've got ten little Minions.

I like Minions.

Not sexually.

I realize bringing that up
suggests otherwise.

Now you say something.

I'm not calling you my aunt, by the way,

so get that out of your head.

Well, I'm sure this will all end

as soon as Daddy gets a business call.

There's a Mr. Important on the line.

Tell him he'll have to wait.

(GASPS) What?

Well, Daddy would always
take business calls

when I would play with him.


It's Mr. Important from the, uh...

"massage place."

Oh. Of course I'll take it.
You got to say that part.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Harry Potter

and the Phone Call of Awkwardness.

Yeah, Hermione?

Hey, it's me, Harry.

Um, remember that time I, um...

I caught your snitch?

Yeah, well, you may want

to have your chamber of secrets checked

because, um, it's possible

I may have given you Hogwarts.

As you know, I insist my children

are always taken care of financially.

So, Tatum, I'm giving you
this American Express card.

But what about me, Daddy?

I-I'm your daughter, too.

Don't think for a moment
I forgot about you, Lois.

I'm giving you this
Native American Express card.

- Why?
- I think you mean "how."

That's offensive.

I laughed.

- Care to dance?


Boy, you're a great dancer.

Mind if I cut in?

Mind if I cut one?

- Uhp, too late.

All right, I got to go take
a not-wetting-the-hair shower.

ANNOUNCER: We now return
to house hunters: Australia.

So I carve boomerangs, and
me wife is an -inch spider.

Our budget is $ million.

We're looking for something
close to the city center

but with enough natural light

so that we can maintain our sunburns.

And just look at these
spacious walk-in closets.

Crikey, I might have to buy
a second shirt.

Lois, there you are.

Don't you want to hang out
with the family?

Oh, (CHUCKLES) I just needed
to get some air.

Look, I know your father

wasn't there for you growing up,
and it hurt,

but you overcame that.

You're the glue
that holds this family together.

Ah, thanks, Brian. I guess you're right.

CARTER: Listen up! Everyone in the van!

We're taking Tatum to the zoo!

The zoo?

The zoo?
What-what, are we returning Chris?


Hey, Meg, did you hear
we're going to the zoo?

What, are-are we returning Chris?


Hey, Chris, we're going to the zoo.

- What, are we returning Chr...

CHRIS: Keep my name
out your (BLEEP) mouth!

PETER: Wow, dude, it was a zoo joke.

CHRIS: Keep my name
out your (BLEEP) mouth!

Just a heads-up: I have an itinerary

that we have to stick to
or I'll get really angry.

Everyone loves a guy like me.

All right, let's go.

How is it always degrees
hotter here than anywhere else?

Mom, are you okay?

Oh, of course I'm okay.
Why wouldn't I be okay?

I'm at the zoo!

After years of asking Daddy

to take me to the zoo, here I am!

What else do you want, honey? Huh?

My clothes? My car?
You want to screw my husband?

I wouldn't. I hear that husband of hers

ain't hitting the mark,
if you catch my drift.

Lois, will you take
this little one to the bathroom?


We'll wait here for you
while I read this sign out loud.

"No flash photography."

Huh, I guess that means
no photos with flashes,

if I'm reading this right.

Interesting. Is there anyone
who hasn't read this sign?

I can summarize it for you.


So unfair.

Ugh, I look like Ron Weasley.

I'm now a real estate broker
in Winnersh.




WOMAN: Could you be
quiet? I'm trying to wipe myself

with the thinnest toilet paper
known to humankind.

Why does that require silence?


Oh, hey, Lois. What's wrong?

Peter, you got to help me. I lost Tatum!

Uh, we went into the bathroom,
but now she's gone!

Well, if this isn't an excuse
to climb a giraffe's neck,

I don't know what is.

You see her?

No, but do you see
those hippos doing it?


♪ ♪

There you are, Lois.

I bought Tatum this stuffed penguin

that didn't require
washing blood and semen off it

like the one you found for Stewie.

- Wha-what?
- Whaa?

Uh, Daddy, I-I sort of lost Tatum.

- You what?!
- I swear it was an accident.

Don't worry, Lois.
We'll split up and look for her.

On it. (GRUNTS)

Damn it, Chris! Now that's
gonna be in our Fox promo.

- Sorry, Dad.
- Sorry, Dad.

ANNOUNCER: Tonight on Fox:

Chris Griffin meets... Chris Griffin?

Aw, there it goes.


Hey, you looking for that kid?

Grab those keys and come in here
and I'll tell you where she is.

Ha. Nice try.

I see that other wolf
hiding behind the rock.

Come on. Hey, you like scotch?

I got a -year Macallan
in here. Let's have a drink.

How does a wolf get a -year Macallan?

It was a gift from a friend.

Pretty good friend.

- Hey, what do you do?
- I'm a writer.

- Wait a minute. What's your name?
- Brian Griffin.

Brian Griffin? I knew I recognized you.

I read your book.

You read Faster Than the Speed of Love?

I sure did, and thanks
for saying the title.

Well, maybe I will come in
for a Macallan.

♪ ♪

He didn't read my book.

So I said,
"What, are we returning Chris?"

Chris is my son.

All right, too smart for the room.
What else? What else?

Uh, you know, I hear the elephants

are asking for a raise.

Yeah, they're tired
of working for peanuts.

Why aren't you guys laughing?

Our hyena president was sh*t.

I know it's not a big deal
in the human world,

but it mattered to us.

But please continue.
We want to feel normal.

Any sign of Tatum?

- No.
- What's going on over there?


♪ ♪

Oh, my God! Tatum's in the gorilla pit!

Oh, no. (YAWNS)

Sorry, that was a bad time to yawn.

♪ ♪

Good afternoon. I'm Tom Tucker,

live on the scene at Newport Zoo,

where a young girl
has fallen into the gorilla pit.

The zoo wrangler,
or a man in khaki shorts

I can only assume is an expert,

is now being lowered into
the pit to rescue the child.


And is now being ripped limb from limb.

- Uhp, hang on.

He appears to be okay
and is now exiting the pit.

Nope, correction, that's just his face.

A gorilla has ripped it off
and is wearing it

and is now walking out of the park.

Say, could you direct me
to your town's banana district?

♪ ♪

Somebody, please! Save her!

Lois, what the hell are you doing?

I have to, Brian.

This is all my fault.




- Lois!
- Mom!

Wow, from this angle,
you can really see Lois's roots.


Nice gorillas.

I'm a big fan of your glue.

They do make good glue.

My God, I can't watch.

Look, a baby gorilla
who can't stop sneezing.


ALL: Aw.


Peter, what do I do?!

Tell them about your dream!

What? They can't understand me!

Doesn't matter.
It's all tone and body language.

Trust me, they'll know
they don't want to be there.

Well, uh, it's interesting
you should say that

'cause I did have a particularly
weird dream last night.

Tell them how you were in our house

but it was somehow different
than our regular house.

Well, we were in our house,

except the laundry machine
was in our kitchen,

if you can believe it.

And it wasn't like
our normal laundry machine.

- It was more like our refrigerator.
- PETER: Yeah, run with that.

Oh, and Bonnie's brother
was there, too, for some reason,

which is totally random
'cause I haven't seen him

in, like, oh, my God, seven years.

But, you know, I did see
a Facebook post of him

from, like, a month ago,

so maybe that had something
to do with it.

Let's just go.

No. I want to hear how this ends,

then tell her my dream.

Anyway, I was doing the wash,

and smoke was coming out the machine,

but it was more like a fog than a smoke.


♪ ♪

Thanks for saving my life.

Well, it was kind of my fault

you were there in the first place.

I hope you can forgive me.

I always wanted a big sister.

♪ ♪

How dumb do you have to be

to walk into a gorilla pit, eh, Brian?


So, you've all read my book?

♪ ♪

They had read my book;
they just didn't like it.

And, Daddy, I'm so sorry
for the way I acted.

I guess I was just jealous

of all the attention
you were giving Tatum

and afraid that she'd taken
my place as your daughter.

Lois, the reason I've been
giving Tatum so much attention

is because I know
how badly I screwed up with you.

I was never there, and it's
the biggest regret of my life.

I'd give anything to go back
and have a second chance

to be a better father to you.

Tatum's as close as I'll get.

Well, I'm sorry
I became a bit of a monster.

I was just jealous.

Trust me, that was nothing.

When you were born, Babs was so jealous

of the attention you got,

she used to put your head
in the oven and try to cook you.

- Did I never tell you that?
- What? No.

That's... that's kind of disturbing.

Yeah, well, that's the Pewterschmidts.

♪ The Pewterschmidts ♪

♪ We had three other kids
who did not live ♪

♪ Ba ba da ba. ♪

♪ ♪

Look at this, all of us
eating together as a family.

This is the closeness
we missed with Lois.


I said this is the closeness

we missed with Lois!

- Tatum, how's your applesauce?
- What?

This isn't working. You have to leave.

- What's happening?
- They can't hear each other.

Ha. Big table.
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