06x12 - Support Your Local Shifflet

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Newhart". Aired: October 25, 1982, - May 21, 1990.*
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d*ck Loudon and wife Joanna relocate from New York City to a small town in Vermont, where they run the historic Stafford Inn.
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06x12 - Support Your Local Shifflet

Post by bunniefuu »

Once again, let's
take a short break

while Edith catches
up with the minutes.

This is the most boring
thing I have ever sat through.

Stephanie,

the town hall meeting

is one of the purest forms
of democracy in action.

I mean, that's what our
founding fathers had in mind

when they came up with the...

The constitution
and the bill of rights.

Thanks, d*ck.

This is now the
second-most boring thing

I've ever sat through.

Stephanie, d*ck needs
all the support he can get

for his stoplight.

What's so important
about a dopey stoplight?

Well, it could prevent
accidents and save lives.

Oh.

Well, I guess that's
okay as long as it's quick.

All set, Edith?

"All... set... Edith." Got it.

The next order of
business is new ordnances.

I recognize d*ck Loudon.

Well, you've known
him long enough.

Jim, I asked you not to do
that joke at every meeting,

funny as it is.

I... I'd like to
propose a stoplight

at the, uh... at
the intersection

of Elm Avenue and,
uh, Meadowview Lane.

Been any accidents there?

Not yet, but there's
a heck of a lot of, uh,

squealing brakes.

Yes?

I am Ed Whitley, I own
Whitley's Brake Service,

and I say let's not
rush into anything here.

This, uh... this
is a wild guess,

but I don't think Mr. Whitley

can be completely
objective about this.

A stoplight, can we afford it?

Yep.

All in favor of
d*ck's stoplight?

The ayes have it.
Motion is approved.

Congratulations,
honey. Good, it's good.

Wow.

You just ask for
stuff and you get it.

I'm starting to like democracy.

I'm gonna ask the town
council to give me a raise.

Uh, Steph...

Stephanie, that
isn't the way it goes.

You'd have to work for the city.

You'd have to work for someone.

Yo.

The chair recognizes
Officer Shifflett.

- Well, you've known him...
- Jim!

Hi.

I think you all know me.

I'm custodian of your safety,
guardian of your children.

Your basic man behind the badge.

I'm here today to ask
for a long-overdue,

and need I say,
well-deserved raise.

Can we afford it?

Not after d*ck's stoplight.

Thanks a lot, Loudon.

I just hope I can
hear my police radio

over my stomach growlin'.

So what are you doin' here?

Why aren't you out watchin'
cars come to a full stop?

Look, I... I... I know
you must be upset.

Why... why is a
ki... Kid in your cell?

You're lookin' at

Jimmy "Won't Put His
Toys Away" McGuire.

You know the scenario.

Won't eat his vegetables,
won't put away his toys.

Next thing you know

he's prayin' for a call
from the governor.

He's an after school special
just waiting to happen.

Okay, McGuire,
you did your time.

Now,

don't let me see your ugly
mug around here again.

My version of Scared Straight.

Look, uh, I... I'm sorry
about the stoplight thing,

but, uh, I mean, why
didn't you stand up and...

And fight for your raise?

You were there, Loudon.

They said they didn't
have enough money

after a certain someone
bled the town dry.

Look, there... there...
There's no reason that they...

They couldn't af...
Afford a stoplight and...

And a police force.

You know nothing about
our budgetary woes.

Why do you think
I'm all alone here?

There isn't even enough
money for me to have

a nervous incompetent deputy.

Look, they're... they're
always claiming they...

They don't have
money for anything.

But wh... why don't
you go back there and...

And ask 'em for
your raise again?

The only place I go
with my hat in my hand

is my barber.

Well, then... Then
leave your hat on.

And... and... And
don't ask, demand.

I mean, this... This
town needs you.

You're right, Loudon.

You're lookin' at
yesterday's patsy.

And if you want, I'll...

I'll go down there with you
to, you know, back you up.

Well, thanks all the same.

I think I'm more
imposing on my own.

Hi, hi, d*ck.

Oh, Blondie, your
Dagwood's here.

Ooh!

Will I ever tire of
seeing you scurry?

No.

Why... why am I never not here?

Oh, Michael,

I have to tell you
about the town meeting.

It was amazing.

People just asked for
things, and they got them.

It was almost like my childhood.

Gee, when I heard,

"d*ck, stoplight,
townspeople," I figured snore-in.

Don't you get it, Michael?

We can ask for things too.

Hey, neat!

What should we ask for?

How 'bout luggage?

No.

One of the catches
is these requests

have to be more town-oriented.

What would we like to
change about this town?

How 'bout we
change all the people?

No. We have to
be more realistic.

We can't bring
in all-new people,

much as that would
be a dream come true.

I know!

Let's ask them to get
rid of all the animals.

After all, that's what makes
this place look so rural.

And you realize that
without farm animals,

there'd be no need for farmers.

Or farm clothing!

Oh, Michael,

I'll bet this is just how
New York got started.

Come on.

You can write up the proposal.

Prepare to urbanize, d*ck.

Love that scurrying!

Oh, hi.

Did you see Jim and Chester?

At approximately...

13:00 hours,

I confronted Mayor
Wanamaker and his sidekick, Jim.

I reiterated my
demands for a raise

in a civilized and
orderly manner.

And?

And they said... no.

So I told them I was
prepared to walk,

and leave this burg
completely unprotected.

And then what did they say?

They said, "See if we care."

As of this moment,

this town is ripe for pillage.

I am now officially on strike.

I figure four
decent-size moving vans

could make this zip code
cow-free in one afternoon.

The cows are leaving?

Michael and I are
going to propose

to the town council

that they send all the
objectionable animals away.

And cows being the largest
are one of the most noticeable.

Gee, uh, I kinda like this town
the way it is, animals and all.

George, if you
look the other way

and let cows get out of hand,

the next thing you know
you have another India.

Stephanie, have you
ever seen a cow up close?

George, why do you think

they have fences
around those things?

Would you let me
introduce one to you?

Right.

And after that we can
go visit sick people.

Stephanie, would you
please do this one for me?

As a friend?

George,

is this one of those
things that if I don't do it,

you'll be giving me
that look all the time?

Okay, George.

Thanks, Stephanie.

When I'm in the
mood, have the time,

and feel there is

absolutely no chance
I'll get nauseous.

Great. Thursday it is.

Well, how bad can cows be?

I mean, we like them as jackets.

Well, here it is.

One bi-weekly rag
removed from your front lawn,

seconds before the neighborhood
bow-wow claimed it for his own.

Uh, thanks.

Story after story
should paint a picture

of an unprotected town
on the brink of disaster.

They'll be beggin'
me to come back.

The headline says,

"Lumber Surplus."

Uh, I'm afraid you're
gonna have to be

a little more realistic
about the... the effect

your absence is gonna have.

You're right.

Won't be till tonight
that we're bathed

in the orange glow
of a town in flames.

Oh, hi, d*ck. We
were wondering if...

Oh, hello, Mr. Shifflett.

Mr. Penny, Mr. Pincher.

d*ck, we wanted you to
know that to keep those

gathering storm clouds at bay,

we've decided to form a
volunteer police department.

And we thought a
scrappy guy like you

would jump at
the chance to join.

So can we count you in?

I, uh... I... I don't...
I don't think so.

Scared, huh?

No, I... I just support
Officer Shifflett's position.

He's not scared, he's a traitor.

Well, we'd better go
over to the jailhouse

and relieve the others.

Yeah, it's my turn
to wear the badge.

Well,

there goes the ballgame.

If they get to play volunteer
cop it could be months

before they see the light

or k*lled off in
their own crossfire.

Oh, hello, Officer Shifflett.

Not an officer, ma'am.

Just a gunless, billy
club-less shell of a man.

d*ck, he seems down.

Well, it looks like
it's gonna be a while

before the town gives
in to his demands.

Well, then offer him a job here.

Honey, we... We
don't need any help.

That's no reason
not to hire someone.

Well, it...

Might take his
mind off his troubles.

And in his present
position, we could...

Probably get him for a song.

d*ck!

Hi.

Low.

Sorry.

Just free-associating.

Well,

I'm probably gonna wind up

as those bozo security
night watchmen do.

Might even start
gettin' a belly.

Uh, you know, I've
been... I've been thinking,

you know, with all this...

This free time on...
On your hands...

Try eternity.

Right.

Um, the... the fact is,
you know, we've been...

We've been looking
for some help around...

You know, around the inn.

Right.

Throw a bone
to the pitiful loser

on the couch.

No. We... we really, really
could... could use some help.

Listen, I know people,
and I know cons,

and this is third-rate
amateur time conning,

so give it up.

You're giving up already?

Well, you... you
think I'm conning you.

Yeah, but in my situation

I'm in the mood to be conned.

Besides, always felt like I
could be a help around here.

Really?

Well, yeah.

You got a truckload of
security problems in this joint.

But I could nix 'em no sweat.

S... Security problems?

Well, that's what you
need me for, right?

Uh, well...

Because that's what I do.

Anything else, you
might as well snuff me

and stuff my lifeless hunk
in the nearest compactor.

What...

What... what else
would I be talking about?

Well, great.

I'll go get my stuff.

I'll make this inn safer

than Zeppo in a crowd
of Marx Brothers fans.

Oh, and,

Loudon,

I don't say this often, but...

Well, you know.

Well, d*ck, I did it.

Tell him what I
showed you, Stephanie.

A cow.

Roberta.

Um, up close?

Well,

as close as we could get

since Stephanie refused
to get out of the car.

Well, I... I don't...

I don't blame you, Stephanie.

I, uh... I... I know I
roll up my windows

whenever I drive through
cow country safari.

Tell d*ck the rest, Stephanie.

All right.

She has the biggest, most
beautiful eyes I've ever seen.

Except for mine, of course.

And those lashes, I would...

I know people who
would k*ll for those lashes.

So, uh, how did you
leave it with Roberta?

I told her she could stay.

What a... what about
the rest of the animals?

Well, instead of meeting
all of them up close,

I decided they could stay too.

I thought I heard

a collective "phew"
from the woods.

This calls for a celebration.

What do you say I go
down to Farmer Gordon

and get some milk
right from Roberta?

And I'll bet you've never
tasted fresh milk before.

Aw, George.

And I never will.

You have to understand,

Officer Shifflett is new here.

I am so sorry about
that Danish incident.

Well, it was my fault
for taking more than one.

Hold it.

Think maybe I'd
better case that case.

Officer...

You wanna bet these two

haven't paid for a
towel in 40 years?

Hello.

Taking home a few souvenirs
to keep the memories

warm and fresh, Futterman?

Officer Shifflett,
that's not our towel.

Oh, we wouldn't take
one of your towels.

They're a little small.

Obviously you weren't put
off by the size of the soap.

Please, Mr. and Mrs.
Futterman, take the soap

with our compliments.

All right.

But don't let me catch you
showerin' with it in my town.

Why'd you stop me?

No tellin' what I
could've turned up

with a strip search.

Well, I'd better get
back on Danish patrol.

d*ck, remember when I told
you to hire Officer Shifflett?

Well, I'm withdrawing
the suggestion.

Honey, I can't fire him.

The... the... the town
made him feel like

he... he isn't needed.

Then, he's probably
used to the feeling.

d*ck, he is ruining business.

Jo... Joanna, be patient.

I mean, the... the... the
town is... is bound to buckle.

I mean, there must be
some crime that will...

Will scare them
at... At some point.

"Hooligans...

Paint Parking Meter Red."

"One passerby, who asked
that his name be withheld,

said that he thought
the color spruced up

an otherwise drab corner."

Wait.

Wait a minute.

Here's... here's something.
O... O... Officer Shifflett!

Yo.

Right here on Page 1.

"Snowblower Reported Stolen."

South side of town.
I'm not surprised.

"Clair and Gus Doria reported
their snowblower stolen.

After a careful investigation
by concerned neighbors...

the blower was
discovered in their back yard

under an
exceptionally high drift."

Darn!

Maybe I was wrong.

Maybe this town doesn't need me.

They'd probably do just as
well with old man Hopkins,

the school crossing guard.

He has his own uniform
and he knows the streets.

Ah, what the hell am I
gettin' misty-eyed for?

The town's loss is your gain.

d*ck?

Off... Officer Shifflett,
um, could... could we talk?

Excuse me, honey.

Uh, ab... about... about
your... Your job here at...

Here at the, uh, at the...

At the Stratford...

Could... could I...
Could I see that?

Why not? Safety is on.

Why... why don't I, uh...

Why... why don't I
just put it over here?

Now...

about... about...
your... your job.

Officer Shifflett, are
we glad to see you!

Did you read about
the crime spree?

What... what crime spree?

Gee, d*ck.

Take an interest
in your community.

A parking meter
has been vandalized.

Somebody painted it bright red.

Thank God it
spruced up the corner,

but if it had been
any other color...

I knew this was comin'.

First painted
meters, then graffiti,

next thing you know

it's West Side Story without
the singin' and dancin'.

We had an emergency
town council meeting,

and we voted unanimously

to buckle under to your demands.

I knew you'd blink first.

It doesn't matter who blinked.

The... the important thing is
is that you're back patrolling

that... that asphalt jungle.

Right.

Of course, d*ck, we
had to lose your stoplight.

What?

We're going with a stop sign.

And with the money
we save, we can give

Officer Shifflett his raise.

Well, a stop sign
is fine with me.

It is?

Gee, d*ck, if you'd said
that in the first place,

we could've avoided
this whole mess.

He probably set
the whole thing up

to get some cheap
security help for his inn.

That's okay.

I'm not one to hold a grudge.

For long.

It's good to be back.

To tell you the truth,

I felt naked without the shield.

Well, gentlemen,
I'd love to schmooze.

But there's a maniac loose
trying to paint my town red.

Shouldn't be hard
to find the culprit.

There are little red
footprints all around the meter.

Oh, it's, uh,
probably just kids.

I mean, when, you know...
When we were that age, we...

We'd indulge in a lot
of harmless tomfoolery.

I never did.

Me either.

That would be wrong.

Kids or maybe some middle-aged
delinquent with small feet.

Lift 'em, Loudon.

Meow.
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