06x17 - The Buck Stops Here

[bunniefuu]

Are you ready to order?

Oh, wait a minute.
Weren't you in earlier?

Yes, but I just had to
come in and see you again.

You are so beautiful.

You have the most gorgeous
eyes and the prettiest hair and...

Sorry. I must be
embarrassing you.

Right.

I'm Norm Murphy. Go out with me.

What?

Go out with me.

I'm sorry, no.

Really, I mean it.

So do I.

But I... I've always wanted
to date a beautiful girl

just like you.

Well, sure,

but unlike me, you can't
always get what you want.

That waitress is the greatest.

I'm guessing he just checked in.

d*ck, Joanna,

I was taking my morning
walk when suddenly,

across the clearing,
there he was!

The Great White Buck.

George, what's The
Great White Buck?

You don't know?

d*ck, Joanna, let
me tell you the legend

of the Great White Buck.

Uh, George, isn't this
something you should be telling us

with a... with a banjo?

One day, old farmer Skinner
was walking by a meadow,

and he came upon the
biggest, most magnificent,

pure white buck ever
to walk these parts.

The Great White Buck.

That year, this town enjoyed
the best year it ever had.

Really?

I just don't believe
that people think

a great white buck

is gonna bring good luck.

Well, d*ck, it's a legend.

It's not like
somebody made it up.

George, we were
at the Tree Tap Diner

when we heard.

Is it true?

I was taking my morning
walk when suddenly, I saw...

The Great White Buck.

Jim, this is George's
good news. Let him tell it.

I saw the Great White Buck.

Told ya.

He was snorting big puffs
of air out of his nostrils,

and he had this look
of wisdom on his face.

And his antlers must have been
big enough to hang 40 hats on.

This is starting to sound like
something out of Dr. Seuss.

d*ck doesn't
believe in the legend.

There's a surprise.

d*ck, the Great White
Buck was seen here in 1950,

as far back as 1885,

and again in 1929.
All great years.

1929? That was the
start of the Depression.

Not for us. This town prospered.

Yeah. If only that buck
had trotted down Wall Street.

And even though George
just saw the Great White Buck,

we're already being
showered with good fortune.

What... what are you...
What are you talking about?

Well, I was at the
Tree Tap this morning,

and I had the best
jelly donut I ever ate.

Explain that.

Greetings, gringos.

I think I've come up
with a primo premise

for the kind of hard-hitting,

60 Minutes type reporting
you've been dying to do.

Really? That's...
That's terrific.

Imagine this in
stereo, where available.

d*ck Loudon: Searching
for the Great White Buck.

Michael, you don't
really believe in this?

d*ck, all I believe in
is that this big buck

can bring in big bucks.

And just to make sure we
get that deer on camera,

I've arranged for
boffo buck bait.

Wardrobe's fitting you
for a salt lick slicker.

Michael, I am not
doing any report

on a silly legend
about some dumb deer.

Oh, that's right,
d*ck. I forgot.

You don't like to get
involved with anything popular.

Told you I wasn't gonna date
you even if you do the dusting.

Steph, what's, uh...
What's going on?

Uh, Mr. Murphy keeps
asking me for a date.

He won't leave me alone.

Well, I won't stand idly
by while some poacher

forages around my love nest.

Mr. Murphy, this
is Michael Harris,

my fiancé.

And you really think you
have a snowball's chance?

Oh, there's always
competition for the best.

That does it.

In another two minutes,

I'm gonna have
to ask you outside.

Michael!

Well, I don't want
my muffin to hear

the vocal pummelling
I'm gonna give him.

It may get pretty frank.

Hey, I will have
none of that at my inn.

All right, I give.

I'm a lover, not a talker.

Get him.

Thinking he can
get on my good side

by doing my work for me.

That bozo.

So, Steph, where do
you keep the Windex?

Phew, boy.

I didn't think I'd ever get out

of Wagner's Hardware Store.

Everybody wanted to hear
about the Great White Buck.

People were taking my
picture, shaking my hand.

Maggie Milford even lined
her children up to rub my head.

I just wish they hadn't
stopped at the bakery first.

Here you are, George.

Ooh.

Great news! I finally got a job!

Yeah, they opened
up one of these

fancy new tanning
salons over at the college.

At first I thought it was
only gonna be part-time,

you know, sunny days,

but you're lookin'
at a full-time man!

And all because my friend George

spotted the Great White
Buck in Utley Woods.

Did you hear that,
d*ck? Utley Woods.

I never had trees
named after me before.

Harley, I'm happy for you,
but I don't believe in a...

In a good luck buck.

Oh, yeah?

Good luck is
spreading like wildfire.

This morning, that old oak
tree on the Swenson's place

came crashing to the ground.

Wiped out the whole front porch.

That... that's lucky?

Everyone was in the back.

Hi. I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl,

and this is my
other brother Darryl.

And we're here to announce
that major construction

has started on the
fabulous new Starlight Room

at the Minuteman Café.

You guys are expanding?

Not exactly.

Darryl here just punched a
hole in the roof over Table eight.

We're preparin' for the
onslaught of prosperity

brought about by the spotting
of the Great White Buck.

Already today, six
people came in to the café.

Two even stayed to eat.

That... that is mythic.

d*ck, don't be such
a stick in the mud.

Honey, I'm sick of...
of... Of listening to people,

uh, attribute
everyday events to...

To some cockamamie legend.

Hi. Are you the proprietor?

Yes.

Well, I got a group that's
ready to ski for two weeks.

And I want every
room you can give me.

Hey, this is your lucky day.

Shut up and sign in.

Oh, Stephanie.

I couldn't find you.

Oh. Well, it worked for a while.

Hey, it's gonna
be a perfect night

for a sleigh ride.

We have to talk. Sit down.

Do you know where I've
been for the past half hour?

Cleaning. In the basement.

Avoiding you has
forced me to inhale must.

So stop it. There.

You want me to stop now?

And I've never
gotten this far before.

Come here a minute.

Look at me.

Now look at you.

Now look at us together.

See what I mean?

Please, I'm not asking you

to spend the rest
of your life with me,

just one evening.

O... okay a dinner.

Five minutes!

And I'll never bother you again.

You've got yourself
a date. Five minutes.

Terrific.

Okay, I'll pick you up at 8.

Maybe we'll take in the
opening credits of a movie.

Stephanie, is something wrong?

Oh, that Mr. Murphy
just won't leave me alone.

Joanna, how do you get
men to turn off you so easily?

It's a gift.

d*ck?

d*ck, what happened?

Are you all right?

I was... I was driving...

back from the store...

and I... and I saw it.

The Great White Buck.

Really?

It was the most gigantic

blur of...

Of antlers and...
And hooves I've...

I've ever... I've
ever seen leap...

Leap across... across the road.

Well, I guess you're really
in for some good luck now.

I don't think so,
Joanna. I just...

ran over The Great White Buck.

Joanna, did you have
to bring me a white drink?

d*ck, you okay?

I'm... I'm... I'm fine,
George. Thank... thanks.

You k*lled the Great White
Buck and not even a scratch?

G... George, it
came out of nowhere.

The... the... the
roads were icy.

There was... I mean, there
was nothing I could do.

And you're really sure he
was the Great White Buck?

George, he... he was just
as big and... and magnificent

as you described him,

except maybe
with a little more...

surprise on his face than,

uh, than wisdom.

It's one thing not to
believe in our legend, d*ck,

but did you have to
take your car to it?

Why'd you even
bother with a sedan?

Why didn't you
just use a howitzer?

Okay, where's the Bambi-basher?

I've just come from the scene.

Woulda been here sooner,

but it was kinda hard
to get all those antlers

on the chalk outline.

Well, here's something
you never heard before.

I just lost my new job.

Harley, what happened?

Well, to celebrate my first
day at the tanning salon,

I gave the first dozen customers

an extra 10 minutes
under the sun lamp free.

Well, Loudon, now that
you rubbed out the big fella,

the specter of bad luck
hangs over this town

like a beer belly
over a pair of chinos.

Hi. I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl,

and this is my
other brother Darryl.

Due to the demise of
the Great White Buck,

business at the
café's been destroyed.

More bad luck.

Look, it... it... it was
a beautiful animal,

but it... it didn't
bring good luck,

and its death isn't
gonna bring bad luck.

Well, this is terrific.

Four inches on the
mountain, all rain.

Aw, there goes our ski
trip. We're all checking out.

Rain in February?

It'll ruin the whole ski season.

Town's going to pot
and while I'm mayor.

What are we gonna do?

According to the legend...

There's... there's more?

The legend says
if anything happens

to the buck,

to rid the town of the bad
luck, the person responsible

has to perform the Rite of
the Dancing Wood Nymph.

Oh, it... Oh, no.

d*ck, I know it
wasn't your fault,

but you oughta do something.

I'm not gonna go
prancing through the woods

like... like some pixie.

Come on, everybody.

At least there's
something we can do.

Let's go to the armory,
form a huddled mass,

and wait for Armageddon.

Is Stephanie home?

Yes, she is, Mr. Murphy.

Oh, please, not
so formal. It's Norm.

After all, we'll be spending
the next five minutes together.

Okay, Norm.

Well, I wanted our
first date to be special,

so I thought we
could enjoy some wine

and a little casual
conversation.

That's nice.

Begin.

Hey, beautiful fire.

Uh-huh.

Oh, who am I kidding?

Stephanie, I don't want you
to take this the wrong way.

I mean, you're a wonderful
person and everything,

but I don't think this
is gonna work out.

What?

Sorry. I just think it
best if I ended it now.

Wait.

You're ending this?

Now that I've spent
some time with you,

I realize you're
just not my type.

Not your type?

We've spent two
minutes together!

Oh, Stephie, stop
torturing yourself!

It's over!

Hey, I've done it.

I've dated a beautiful girl.

Now I've even dumped one, too.

Obviously, you don't
understand English.

I told you to keep your
manos off my cute quesadilla.

She's all yours.

Well, looks like he took
my verbal venom verbatim.

Michael, something very
wrong just happened here.

And it's all your fault for
k*lling that dopey deer!

You too?

Well, I've just been
dumped, and the explanation

can only be supernatural.

Gee, d*ck, isn't there anyone
your tire tread hasn't touched?

Uh, hi... hi, George.

Hi.

Uh, George, you... you...
You won't believe this,

but I... I was... I was
taking a walk in... in...

In the deep part
of the woods and...

And out of this hole pop...
Popped the biggest red...

Red woodchuck I... that...
That I have ever seen.

Geor... George, I
think it was the... the...

The Great Red Woodchuck!

Nice try, d*ck, but I
don't think this town

would get behind any
legend that has an overbite.

George, believing in... In
the Great White Buck is...

Is like... it's like
believing in Santa Claus.

George, you...

You don't believe
in Santa Claus?

Why?

Are you gonna run
him over too, d*ck?

Look, I know this buck business,

and the wood
nymph dance are silly,

but... there are a lot of
things in life I can't explain.

Like how we get
honey from a little bee

or why a bubble
is perfectly round.

Why not square?

Or why do freshwater fish stink

but the fresh
water tastes great?

Just because you
can't explain luck

doesn't mean it isn't real.

I mean, take me.

Yesterday, I had a whole
woods named after me.

Now, Utley Woods
has been replaced

by Loudon Curve.

Well, here we are.

The exact place I saw
the Great White Buck.

Boy, it sure brings
back a lot of memory.

I have a feeling

this is gonna stick in your
mind for a while too, George.

Let's get this ritual started.

You know, d*ck,
I'm really grateful

you decided to go
through with this.

I mean, seeing you here,

doing all this for your
friends and neighbors,

well, d*ck, I...

I don't think I ever
respected a person more.

Now, get on your tippy
toes and flap your hooves.

There they are.

Just like George said.

- George...
- I didn't tell them.

We overheard you
in the feed store

when you were buying the
burlap for d*ck's costume.

Mildred was right.

The 50-pound bag is too long.

Whoa.

What do we have
here? A little stag party?

Officer Shifflett,

we didn't hear you following us.

Thanks.

Look, I'm not gonna
do this in front of you,

so you may as well all go home.

Let us stay, d*ck.

Yeah, we'd feel silly

spying on you from the woods.

Oh, what the heck.

The sooner I do this,

the sooner I can forget
this day ever happened.

How long is this ritual?

I've only got enough
tape for four hours.

Look, uh, wh... why don't I
just take off all my clothes and...

And... and pose
on a bearskin rug?

No, let's get this first.

Oh, what the heck.
I... I may as well do it.

People are gonna
be talking about this

for the rest of my life anyway.

Hi. I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl,

and this is my
other brother Darryl.

Told ya we shoulda
camped out overnight

so we'd get a decent seat.

Joanna?

d*ck performed the ritual,
and I was his witness.

Well, one of 'em.

Gee, I didn't think
there'd be such a crowd,

and I know d*ck didn't.

Harley got the
whole thing on tape.

Come on.

There's a set in the study.

So did the ceremony
get rid of the bad luck?

You betcha.

Thanks to d*ck, everybody
feels better already.

It's amazing what a
good laugh'll do for ya.

d*ck, honey, I
know it wasn't easy.

But you went through
with it, and I'm proud of you.

Hey, everybody, come
here and watch this!

Oh!

Come on, come on!

Come on!

Oh, go ahead, Joanna.

Thanks, honey.

It's just stuff I
took of the woods

before I got there.

Wait, uh, what's that
walking in the corner?

It's a green deer.

No way. It's not green.

The tint's not
adjusted right. Th...

Oh!

The deer... it's white!

Wait. You know
what we've got here?

Son of White Buck.

And George spotted it.

Yeah, in Utley Lobby.

The town's good fortune is back!

Yay!

Congratulations!

Wait, wait, wait a minute.

You mean I didn't have to
go through that silly ritual?

No.

But at least we
had the good fortune

to see you do it.

I'm declaring tomorrow
Son of Buck Day.

I've even come up with a
perfect new job for Harley,

as chauffeur for d*ck.

What?

No way in hell

we're lettin' you on
the road till spring.

Meow.