06x19 - The Big Uneasy

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Newhart". Aired: October 25, 1982, - May 21, 1990.*
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d*ck Loudon and wife Joanna relocate from New York City to a small town in Vermont, where they run the historic Stafford Inn.
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06x19 - The Big Uneasy

Post by bunniefuu »

d*ck, finish your feast and
feast your peepers on this.

It's a list of the 400
wealthiest people in television.

Don't bother checking.
You're not on there.

But don't worry, Dickster,

I've come up with a
moolah-making idea

that'll put you on
next year's list,

right up there with
Merv, d*ck Clark,

and that Bochco guy.

Sure, Michael.

Next month, they're holding
the annual Syndie convention.

That's the convention
where all the TV producers

try and sell their
shows for syndication.

Now, follow me on this.

We take your show,
Vermont Today,

keep the basic charm
and homespun humor,

but we rename it
Small Town Today.

Suddenly you've got something
a whole nation wants to see.

That's not a bad idea.

Wait, d*ck, you're
being short-sighted.

Michael, I think
the idea is okay.

You mean you like
an idea I came up with?

I think it's great.

I think we should
go to the convention.

d*ck, I spent all
night working up

brilliant counter-arguments,

some of them in Latin.

Well, Michael, if stations
across the country

wanna syndicate
me, and d*ck Loudon

can be seen
nationwide, um, why not?

Gee, I didn't count on
the old ego kicking in.

Where's... where's
the convention?

That's the best part.

Practice your Satchmo impression

and get ready to
b*at your tootsies

on the Mississippi mud.

In two weeks, we're
going to New Orleans.

Oh, yeah!

Michael!

Cuppers!

Did I hear mention of a
glamourous city down South

that we've never been to

that has boutiques
and restaurants and...?

You're going alone, aren't you?

Not... not alone, with d*ck.

Same thing.

Michael, read my lip.

Steph, if I can
sell Vermont Today

in syndication,

we'll make enough
money to cure something.

But don't worry. We won't.

Oh. Here we are, way
down yonder in Da Big Easy.

Yeah. I never heard that before.

Um, Michael, you...
You didn't tell me

that we were going to
have to... To share a room.

Oh, it's the station
budget, d*ck.

We're... we're on a shoestring.

And... and look
at this, Michael.

We're... we're even
gonna have to share a bed.

d*ck, don't be disgusting.

There's a rollaway over
there. I'm sure you'll love it.

Dibs on these drawers!
Dibs on these. And these.

Michael, you left me nothing.

I have designer ensembles, d*ck.

You have those
schlumpy cardigans.

Besides, I... I... I left you
room in the nightstand.

Just pull out the Gideon
and jam your duds in there.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Steph.

No, I haven't sold
d*ck's show yet.

Well, sweet knees, we
just got here 15 minutes ago.

But don't worry. I...
I will. It... It's a lock.

Oh, no. I miss you
more than you miss me.

I do too.

I do too.

I do too.

He does, okay?

O... okay, cupcake. I'll
talk... I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Michael, the... the phone
company gets real annoyed

when you suck someone
through from the other end.

Oh, till... till tomorrow,
cupcake. Oh, okay.

Uh, d*ck, Joanna
wants to talk to you.

Bye, cupper-wupper-uppers!

Hi. Hi, honey.

Huh? Uh...

it's about 65 and partly cloudy.

You too. Bye.

Yeah, you really
got it bad, d*ck.

Wow. This is great.

I get to sit in d*ck's
chair when he's away.

And I get to check
in his guests.

And I get to drink from his cup.

Don't worry, Joanna.
That's where it ends.

Stephanie.

These eggs are runny.

And my cinnamon toast is b*rned.

Well, I'm depressed
about Michael being away!

Me too.

Hi. I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl,

and this is other
brother Darryl.

And we come bearing
unfortunate news.

We had a grease
fire over at the café.

A fire?

No human damage,

but all our major food
groups were scorched.

Our entire kitchen
was destroyed.

Well, guys, if there's
anything we can do to help...

As a matter of fact,

we was wonderin'
if durin' the crisis,

we could use your kitchen
to cook our café foods.

Uh, could I take
back that "anything"?

Miss Joanna, if we
don't keep the café goin',

our money'll dry up,

and there goes our
standard of living.

Oh, guys, really, I...

If you won't do it for
us, do it for our regular?

Okay. You can use our kitchen.

Thank you. Miss
Joanna, you're a lifesaver.

Now all we need
is your dining room.

What?

Well, we knew better than to
dump this on you all at once.

Guys, really, I...

I'd like to help, but, see,

we need our dining room

to serve breakfast
to our guests.

You got yourself a deal.

You get it for breakfast.

We get it for lunch and dinner.

Wow!

Diner food without
having to go out for it.

Well, okay.

Don't worry.

We'll do our darnedest
not to burn your place down.

Oh, here come some
potential live ones

for Small Town Today.

Here, country it up, d*ck.

Put on this hat and
suck on this straw.

I am not wearing
farm accessories.

Okay, but while I'm pitching,
at least spit once in a while.

Hi. Welcome to Small Town Today.

This show is a great buy,

and here's a man
for all time slots,

d*ck Loudon.

Hi.

What does he do?

You name it, he does it.

He interviews,
he quips, he spits.

I don't spit.

And... and... and
here, have some, uh...

Have some genuine
Vermont salt water taffy.

Vermont salt water taffy?

It's a sales tool, d*ck.
You're not an easy sell.

I mean, you're not exactly
Robie, the Atomic Rooster.

You can't even
get near that booth.

Hi! Meet d*ck Loudon.

He has appeal across the board.

He's... he's more
homespun than Mark Twain.

He's cuddlier than Bert Convy

and he's more
flexible than Gumby.

Well, if he is all that

he's gonna be
tough to turn down.

I'm Michael Harris, producer
of Small Town Today.

You've met our star
host, d*ck Loudon.

I'm Erica Sloane,

vice president with
Westcott Broadcasting.

Westcott Broadcasting,
major shekels,

mucho mucho dinero.

Yes, we represent 55
independents nationwide,

and, uh, right now
we're in the market

for an upscale half an hour,

we could run on
Sundays against football.

d*ck is perfect.

Women love d*ck
because he's a father figure,

and the jocks like him because
they know they can take him.

We're on a very tight budget.

We couldn't go over
40,000 an episode.

I think we can
struggle along on that.

Well, uh,

I think I'll look around
the rest of the exhibits

and see if anything
sparks me, but, uh,

I'm definitely interested
in what I see here.

I may be in touch.

Nice to meet you, d*ck.

Michael.

Boy, that Westcott Group
knows how to pick 'em, huh?

Hey, did you hear that?

40 thou a show.

It costs us about five.

Do you realize what this
means for Steph and me?

Michael, it's a long
way from a sale.

Well, maybe if you'd
whipped out the taffy.

Forget the taffy.

I'm the star of the
show, I'll... I'll handle

the next couple that comes by.

Hi. Hi, I'm d*ck Loudon.

We... we have
lots of, uh, features,

news, human interest.

Our... our, uh...

Our... our show's...
Our show's in color.

Uh, uh, uh, taffy?

Hello again.

Hi! Care for some sugar shock?

I've looked around and
decided what I want is right here.

Great!

I'm interested in
purchasing two years,

104 episodes of Small
Town Today for syndication.

You mean it?

Well, there are three
conditions to this purchase.

One, that you deliver
the first 13 episodes

by June 15th.

No problema.

Two, that the price per
episode will be 40,000.

Well, okay.

And three, that you
spend the night with me.

Pardon me?

I'm very attracted
to you, Michael.

I'd like to go to bed with you.

Wow.

This is better than
winning luggage.

Look, I... I'm
honored by your offer,

but I... I have a
cupcake at home.

I'm involved.

Well, that's too bad.

Are you sure you
won't reconsider?

Well... I really
don't think I should.

Michael, think about
what you're giving up here.

I could do wonders for
both you and your business.

Now, I'm on a
very tight schedule,

and I need a decision right now.

Okay, yes.

Come on, Michael,
it isn't a senior prom.

We're just gonna go
out and see New Orleans.

Actually, uh, d*ck,

that's what you're
gonna be doing.

What... what do you mean?

Well, remember I told you
the... The show was sold and...

And we got our price?

Well, it's just
a little wrinkle.

What... what is it?

She wants my bod.

What... what?

Erica propositioned me, d*ck.

She's offered to buy two
year's worth of episodes

in exchange for one
night of passionate ya-ha.

Are you... Are you
telling me that...

That talc wasn't for me?

Mich... Michael, I
don't... I don't believe this.

d*ck, I'm not a vegetable.

I'm... I'm an hombre
with hormones.

This lady is Venus
with an attaché case.

Besides, this is our
only sh*t at big bucks.

Michael, you... You
can't tell me the...

The other booths are doing this!

How could I turn this down?
She's offering us a bundle!

She's gorgeous.

And she doesn't want
any commitments.

And no one will ever
know, except for you.

And hopefully her.

No complications.

Really?

What about Stephanie?

Oh, you...

You thought about
her too, huh, d*ck?

Michael, you think that
this is... this is just tonight.

But...

this is going to affect
you and Stephanie forever.

I mean, Stephanie
is... Is... is your...

cupper-wupper-uppers.

You... you... you can't do this.

Oh, come on, d*ck.

In all the years you've
been married to Joanna,

you never Oingo Boingo'd
with another woman?

If... if that means what
I think it means... no.

Really?

Because the buzz at
the station for a while

was that you and
Pearl had a thing going.

Michael, forget about the show.

Put on your coat,
and we'll go out

and do guy things.

Uh, d*ck,

I'm staying.

Erica... Erica's
due here in an hour.

She's coming here?

It's closer to my grooming kit.

Besides, you... you did
say you wanted a night out

on the town.

Michael, I'll be
back at midnight.

Okay, okay, but if
there's a bra on the door,

that'll be the signal.

Here you go.

One Adam and Eve on a shingle.

One poultry surprise.

A handful of succotash.

Ew!

I know, Stephanie.

Joanna, look at these people.

I mean, shouldn't we be
taking injections or something?

They are a bit scruffy.

One of our guests
asked me if our hotel

was on a prison program.

Wow. It's exciting
living in a house

that's got its own
milkshake machine.

You know, when the
guys make me one,

they leave half in the glass
and half in the canister.

That way when you look
down and see you're empty...

presto! You've got another
glass just waiting for you.

You find the good in
everything, don't you, George?

Uh-huh.

I hate that in a person.

I thought this was a
bed and breakfast inn.

I didn't know you served dinner.

We don't. This is a
temporary arrangement.

Oh. Uh, would you recommend it?

Well, not really.

Two? Right here.

We have a special
today on sea creatures.

Ooh, hot potato, hot
potato, hot potato!

Wait, you ordered
mashed potatoes,

didn't ya? Darryl?

Guys, guys,

we have to talk.

There's a problem here.

We know.

You're a clean freak.

Huh?

Well, no sooner does
the lunch rush leave

than you swoop down
with a vacuum cleaner

and suck up the ambiance.

It's a sickness.

Miss Joanna, personally,
I could live with it,

but Darryl here's disgusted.

I'm afraid we'll have to feed
our multitudes elsewhere.

At least 'til you get therapy.

Thanks, fellas,

that's just the kind
of incentive I need.

This wasn't what drove
your husband away, was it?

Wonder if there's
anything in here about

cupcake cheating?

Hi, cuppers!

Oh, I... I just wanted
to hear your voice.

So how are things going
in getting our millions?

Well... Well, Steph,
we're close to a deal,

but there are... There
are complications.

Let me lay out the details.

Oh, Michael, you know
I'm not a detail person.

Well, I don't like
the terms of the deal.

I may turn it down.

Are my perfect shell-like
ears hearing right?

Are you going to come back home

not doing what you said
you were going to do?

Cupcake, if by some chance
it all goes tummy-up on me,

I've bought you enough
gifts to give new meaning

to the term
"Louisiana Purchase."

Michael, I have faith
in you as a boyfriend

and as a producer,

and I know you'll
do whatever it takes

to sell that show, so do it.

Are... are you sure
you really mean that?

Beg if you have to.

Michael?

I don't think that'll
be necessary.

Well, Steph, uh,

I... I better go. I... I've
gotta put this thing to bed.

That's the spirit.

Hi. Sorry I'm early,
but I couldn't wait.

Hi.

I... I thought they
couldn't improve on that

chocolate on the pillow thing.

You know, I like you
without your glasses.

How do you know?
I'm wearing them.

Mm, I was right.

Uh, look, I... I
got... I got us some,

uh, champagne to
celebrate our deal.

Of course, now you
may have to pour.

Well, why don't we
save it for afterwards?

Yeah, afterwards.

Well, I've never done this
with a TV executive before.

Hope I do well
in the overnights.

You... are so adorable.

Whoops.

Hey! Great... great to see you.

There, uh...

There... there was no...
There was no bra on the door.

I'm sorry, d*ck.

She's still wearing the signal.

I, uh...

I... I forgot my wallet.
It's on the dressing...

I... I'll get it. I'll get it.

Hi. Hi, how... how you doin'?

So I, uh...

I hear... I hear you, uh...
You like... you like my show.

Boy, how...

How 'bout that Mississippi?

Mi... Mi... uh, Michael?

Oh, thanks.
Thanks. Nice... nice,

cha... cha... chatting...
Chatting with you.

d*ck, don't leave me
alone with this media vixen!

I don't know if I wanna
go through with it.

Then, don't.

But I don't know
if I don't wanna go

through with it either.

Michael, this is a decision
you're gonna have to

make all by yourself.

I mean, if you wanna go for
one... one cheap moment of...

Of guilt-ridden pleasure
and ill-gotten financial gain

or... or remain true to...

To your sweetheart back home

who you supposedly
love with all your heart.

See what I mean,
d*ck? It's a close call.

Erica, this thing,

you sort of backed me into a...

Backed me into a corner to do...

Well, let's get to it.

- Michael?
- Present!

Erica, I'm sorry.

I don't think I can
go through with this.

Why?

Because... because
I already have

a cute quesadilla
occupying this ticker.

Are you saying you're sick?

No. No, no, the point is,

this isn't right and...
And no amount of money,

although your amount was close,

is worth betraying her.

Michael, I am very disappointed.

And you should be too.

I mean, you realize
at 40,000 a show,

you just lost yourself
over 4 million dollars?

How 'bout 20,000 a show
and some heavy petting?

No. No, I can't.

Good-bye, Erica.

You know, you
really are a nice guy.

Poor, but nice.

To you, Steph.

I wonder what
she's gonna do to me

for blowing this deal.

Meow.
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