06x21 - A Midseason's Night Dream

[bunniefuu]

Well,

all the rooms are sparkling and
shining like nobody's business,

so I'm ready to get
to work down here.

What do you want me to do first?

Steph... Steph...
Stephanie, is that you?

Of course!

Uh, should I start in your
study or here in the lobby?

Oh! I know.

That kitchen floor could
use a good scrubbing.

She... She wants something
and it must be huge.

O... O... Okay, what is it?

Well, there is one thing.

I wanna do my job better.

I mean, you two have
always been so terrific to me,

and all I've ever done
is take advantage.

But that's all changed.

I've come to realize
that it's no crime

to do the job you're paid
to do the very best you can.

- A raise. She wants a raise.
- Ah!

No. Don't be silly.

Honey, don't make
any sudden moves.

She may be dangerous.

Hi, d*ck, Joanna.
Good to see ya.

That... that was all in English.

I've given up those
nutty hello things.

To tell the truth,

I was even starting
to get on my nerves.

Michael.

Steph.

- Thank you, sweetheart.
- Mmm.

They... they... they weren't
sickeningly cute together.

Well, we've come to realize
that you can be in love

without making
others wanna puke.

Oh, by the way, d*ck,

here's a list of guests for, uh,

the next few Vermont Today s.

Here it comes.

Mi... Michael, these are
all classy, intelligent people.

d*ck, you've been a good friend,

and the least I can do

is produce the kind of
TV program you want.

To be honest,

I think it's gonna
be a better show.

See ya Sunday.

I... I'm frightened.

d*ck, relax.

Things are finally
starting to go your way.

Just enjoy it while it lasts.

Hi. I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl,

and this is my
other brother Darryl.

Well, it was a great 10 seconds.

Yeah.

We just wanted to
stop by and say bye.

How come?

Well, mainly
because we're leavin'.

Wha... what?

We've decided to give
up our life in the big city

and move back to
our cabin in the woods.

Of course, the downside is

we probably won't be seein'
as much of each other anymore.

Probably only when you want to.

Only when we want.

Uh-oh.

Darryl was worried

that this might turn
into an emotional scene.

Don't... don't...
Don't worry, guys.

For your sakes, I'll...

I'll try and show nothing
but... But happiness.

Thanks. We will miss you.

Well, we should be goin'.

We have to decide
what food can travel

back to the cabin with us

and what we have to scarf
down in a wild eating binge.

Well,

Good-bye.

I don't... I... I
don't believe this.

They're... They're
moving out of town,

Stephanie is
cleaning like a demon,

Michael is... Is
finally doing the show

the way... the way I want.

All... all the problems
in my life are...

Are sud... suddenly gone.

I know, honey. It's wonderful!

Man,

I mean, I almost...

Almost feel like...
Like pinching myself.

Damn it.

Morning, d*ck.

Morning, George.

Mmm, pancakes. My favorite.

Mm. Mm-mm-mm.

And they taste as
good as they smell.

I need a good
breakfast this morning,

because I'm gonna
start re-shingling the roof.

Well, you got... you
got perfect weather for it.

Yep.

Mmm, great coffee.

Uh, uh, George?

Is... is this... is this
all you're gonna do?

Huh?

Well, it... it is a dream.

So?

Well, in... in a dream, you
can do anything you like.

I like this.

But... but this is
exactly like your real life.

Yeah, but to me, my
real life is a dream.

Smell these, d*ck.

George, I don't wanna smell 'em.

See... see the great thing
about... about dreams is...

Is you can do things that...

That you can't
do in... In real life.

d*ck, I have this
dream all the time,

and I like it fine.

That is, until you
started bugging me in it.

George, m... maybe...
Maybe you don't realize your...

Your dream options.

Like, uh, st... st...
Strange lighting.

Uh, you can, uh...

You can... you can make it,
uh, thunder and lightning outside.

Well, there goes
the shingling weather.

All right, all right,
forget about outside.

George, there are
a lot of neat things

you can... you can
do here like, uh,

uh, strange... strange music.

Or, uh, mysterious mists.

Uh...

George... George,
you... You can even make

inanimate objects talk.

How you doin', George?

d*ck, are you trying to
make me wake up crying?

No, George, I'm just trying
to show ya how to have...

How to have fun in your dreams.

I appreciate it, d*ck,
but believe me, I'm fine.

And my dream is fine.

Now, I gotta go
re-shingle that roof.

G... George, uh,
I... I gotta tell ya,

I... I think you're wasting
your time dreaming like this,

but I mean, it's up
to you, you know,

if you wanna have boring dreams.

Gee, d*ck, give me a chance.

Well, at... at least
now, George,

shingling that roof
should... Should be a cinch.

Steph, what's the emergency?

Michael, thank
goodness you're here!

What is it, my cute cupazoid?

There's something
terribly horrible upstairs,

and I just know it's going
to come down and get me.

Really? What?

Well, I don't know, but...

it's wicked and putrid
and generally gross,

and it'll be here any second.

Well, I'll give those worry
wrinkles walking papers,

because nothing, but nothing

is gonna mess with
my sensual senorita

as long as this blood
box is still pumping!

Oh, no!

Don't worry!

Before it can get
near my main muffin,

it'll have to pry away
my dead carcass!

Ew!

But thank you.

Here it comes!

Oh, Michael, isn't that the most

frighteningly evil
thing you've ever seen?

Yeah, it's more frightening
than anything in The Boogans!

Stephanie... Oh, my God!

It even has speech problems!

Michael, help me!

Gee, Steph, I
know I said I'd help,

but this is scarier
than I bargained for.

I'm off the goose pimples scale,

and I'm dangerously close
to fabric-ruining perspiration.

I love you a lot,
but I'm outta here.

Call if you live!

Michael!

Oh!

Oh!

It's pointless to run.

What do you want from me?

Why, just one little thing.

I want you to clean.

But I already cleaned
every inch of the inn.

I cleaned it nice.

But it's not good enough.

I want you to
start all over again

and clean all 100 rooms.

But we don't have 100 rooms.

We do now.

I made George build all night.

Why are you so
mean to me, Joanna?

Because you're so good and pure.

And so incredibly
perfect and beautiful.

Well, you got me there.

But you won't be by the
time I'm through with you.

I want you to scrub.

Now.

Oh!

But there's no scrub brush.

Why so there isn't.

Here,

use this.

A toothbrush?

And it doesn't even
have a full-sized head.

Get to work.

Faster! Faster! Faster!

Whoa, Scoliosis!

Stop abusing my
pure and perfect pita,

you wench!

Oh, Michael, you came back!

I couldn't stay away,

knowing how much I loved you,

and once I realized nothing bad

could really happen
to me in a dream.

My hero!

And I come bearing great news!

Your father gave
us four million dollars

to get a home and start a family

and still have enough left
over to buy a major yacht!

And look!

We already have two children.

You don't have to
go through the bother

of having them yourself.

No stretchmarks.

Ew!

Oh, Michael, you're wonderful.

Let's ride off together.

Let's march, muffin.

She's not going anywhere.

Well, I'm going anyway,

and you can't stop me.

M... maybe she can, Steph.

I'll tell you what.

I'll make you a deal.

You can go.

As soon as you finish
dusting the lobby.

Well, that sounds fair.

This won't take long.

Oh, no?

Oh.

Thank goodness it
was only a dream.

Those children
weren't even blond.

Hola, head honcho.

Greetings, major muchacho.

We have the ratings,
el grande bosso.

Good, good, good. Let's see.

CBS 46.7, ABC 46.8, NBC 46.9.

- You won the week again, sir.
- How could I lose?

- I'm running all three networks.
- And brilliantly!

Now, there are
record viewing levels,

but I know we can do better.

The schedule needs work.

Oh, yes, yes!
Let's make it work!

Let's see, what's our
number one show?

That would be People Have
Sex and Then Get k*lled Theater.

Oh, yes. One of my own ideas.

- Oh, yes.
- A very good idea, sir.

Well, there have been
a few complaints about it

from a few tiny
special-interest groups.

What could they possibly
say is wrong with it?

Uh, too much sex and v*olence.

Really?

Maybe they'll calm down if we
move it out of the family hour.

Oh, that's fantastic, sir!

We need a show
to take its place.

Something high
con, defined modal,

with center cut, and
a healthy top spin.

Something for kids?

That's what I just said!

I know you're very
busy, Mr. Harris,

but you've just
won another award.

Congratulations, sir.

I wanna thank the
voters for this great honor.

This... this is just the
kind of message I need

to further my crusade

to stamp out quality television
wherever it rears its ugly head.

Thank you all, again.

This is very special
and... meaningful to me.

Very well said,
sir. Very well put.

Mr. Harris, have
you had a chance

to see the rough cut of the
17th Gilligan TV movie yet?

Oh, yes. Gilligan's
Island: The Food Runs Out.

Kind of a downer.

Try trimming the scene
where they have to

eat the Skipper.

Ooh.

Oh, Michael, I'm
so proud of you.

You're finally making
enough money

for me to live a
normal life again.

- What a cute quesadilla.
- She's a muffin, sir.

Thank you, thank
you. Now off with you!

I have shows to create.

Okay, bye.

Ooh, I mean, adios, sir.

Whoever you are,

I'm thinking make an appointment
with one of my secretaries.

It's time now, Michael.
We... we made a deal.

What, uh... what kind of deal.

Figure it out for yourself.

How... how do you
think you got all of this?

With... with your talent?

d*ck, is that you?

Never touch the horns.

d*ck, devil. Devil, d*ck.

Why didn't I ever make
the connection before?

Let's go, Michael.

People are waiting
to see your shows.

It's just the kind of
t*rture they're expecting.

No!

From Hollywood,

The Tonight Show
starring Johnny Carson.

Johnny's guest
host tonight is Larry.

This is Ed McMahon, inviting
you to join Larry and his guests

Emma Samms, Fred Travalena,

and from the San
Diego Zoo, Joan Embery.

And now, ladies and
gentlemen, here's Larry!

Hi, I'm your host, Larry.

This is my sidekick, Darryl,

and this is my
bandleader, Darryl.

You're looking good, Darryl.

We should get some
nuclear guys to come out

and take a reading
on that outfit.

Oh, good to see you, Tommy.

Did you know the practice
of hibernating began

when Tommy walked
into the woods one day

and started to
talk to the animals?

Anyway, we got a great
show for you tonight.

Emma Samms is with us. Ya-ha!

And Fred Travalena.

And a visit from Joan Embery
from the San Diego Zoo.

So let's get to it.

Okay. We're back.
Good to see you, Darryl.

I was lookin' through the paper
and I came across this article,

30 Ways to Skin a Weasel.

Now, Darryl, I'll bet you think

that every conceivable
way to skin a weasel

is covered in this article.

You are wrong, possum breath.

I have a whole ton of
other ways right here.

But they're not worth doin'.

Oops, sorry. That's
more of a Letterman thing.

Now, my first guest is always
a pleasure to have with us.

From the San Diego
Zoo, Miss Joan Embery.

Nice to see you, Larry.

Hi. And may I say,

you smell much
better than you'd think

for a lady in your line of work.

Thank you.

Tonight I brought you a
couple of very exotic birds

from South America
called the Sillindilly.

Now, wait till you
see their color.

It's just incredible.

It might take them
a couple of seconds

to adjust to the light, though.

They're gone?

What happened?

I don't know.

Where could they have...?

Darryl.

Have you been
in-between-meals snackin'?

On our animal guests?

And Tommy, I
hope I don't find out

you've been involved in this.

I can't believe
those guys did this.

I told them how rare
these birds were.

Oh, that explains it.

Darryl thought you
meant medium rare.

Anyway, since Joan
has screwed up,

let's move on to my next guest,

the versatile Fred Travalena.

Hiyo!

Hi, Larry. Great to see ya.

Fred, you're an
amazing impressionist.

They say you can do anyone.

Well, thanks.

Can you do a little bit
of Herbie Crooker for us?

Who?

Herbie Crooker.

He's always hangin' out
in front of the feed store.

Wait'll you hear this.

Nah, uh... uh... uh, Larry,
I'm afraid I... I don't know him.

Oops, sorry.

I appear to have
exposed you as a fraud

on national television.

Wait, wait. I know. I
know who I can do.

Darryl. I'll do Darryl.

That's incredible.

Darryl's my brother
and for a second there,

I couldn't tell the difference.

Uh-oh. What's that, Freddy?

My producer's giving
me the signal to move on.

My next guest is a
big time movie star

and one fabulous
babe, Emma Samms.

Now, Darryl, I know
you like our guest,

but the FCC has very strict
rules about sidekick seating.

Hi, Larry. It's
nice to meet you.

Same here.

Now, I know you do
a lot of TV and films,

but I'm wonderin'
what someone like you

does in her spare time.

Well, when I'm not working,
I live a pretty normal life.

You know, I like
to do things like, uh,

go out in the backyard
and roll around in the mud.

- Really?
- Yeah.

And like to play games.

You know, things like,
uh, Large Bite and, uh,

Name That Stain.

Oh, and after a nice downpour,

you'll always find me out
romping in the nearest bog.

Wow.

I know you're not
gonna believe this,

but I'm into a whole
lot of those same things.

Oh, come on.

I mean, every time
I've seen you host,

you've always come off like
some glitzy Hollywood type.

Well, I must admit, I
do have that side to me.

But part of me is
as normal as you.

Did you ever play Let's
See If This Is Edible?

All the time!

We... We're perfect
for each other.

Do you mind if I
kiss you right now?

Well, gee, we are on TV,

in front of millions
of people. Okay.

- Oh no.
- Oh.

We're out of time?
You sure, Freddy?

Damn. I spent too much
time with Fred Travalena.

Joanna, Joanna.

Mmm?

If...

If you're having a dream that...

That you're really,
really enjoying

is... is there any
special technique to...

I... I don't know, to...

To pinch yourself back into it?

I don't think so, d*ck.

Damn it!

Meow.