07x03 - This Blood's for You

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Newhart". Aired: October 25, 1982, - May 21, 1990.*
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d*ck Loudon and wife Joanna relocate from New York City to a small town in Vermont, where they run the historic Stafford Inn.
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07x03 - This Blood's for You

Post by bunniefuu »

- Boy, Joanna makes
the best roast turkey.

Am I stuffed!

- George, that was
a 24-pound bird.

I mean, you-you polished
off almost 23 pounds!

Joanna said that should
feed us for a week.

- Oh, when does Joanna
get back from her reunion?

- In a week.

- Oh, maybe I should have left
some of the mashed potatoes.

- There were mashed potatoes?

I-I'll get it, George. I
want to walk off my dinner.

Hello, Stratford Inn.

I-I'm sorry. I can't
understand you.

Take-take it easy, ma'am.

You're-you're
crying hysterically.

Michael?

What-what's wrong?

A-all right.

I'll get over there
as soon as I can.

And I promise I won't tell
anyone you cry like a woman.

Michael's at the hospital.
Stephanie is in Emergency.

- Oh, no!

- All right, George.

You stay here and watch the
inn and stay out of the kitchen.

- Steph?

Michael. Is that you?

- Oh, Cuppers, you can talk.

- Michael, they removed
her appendix, not her tongue.

How-how are you feeling, Steph?

- That depends. How do I look?

- Like a pretty little
piece of post-op pastry.

- I feel fine.

- Well, you really gave
us quite a scare last night.

Usually when you say
"Ewwww" in a restaurant,

it's because they've sat us
next to an unattractive couple.

But when you started
clutching your side

and rolling on the tile,

I knew it was brought
on by physical pain

and not the sight
of that twosome

sharing the same ear of corn.

Oh, gee.

I must have been
really out of it.

All I can remember is some
hysterical woman crying

and screaming and
running through the hospital.

- She's, uh, she's been sedated.

- You've both
been here all night?

- Yeah, we were waiting
for you to wake up.

- So you're wearing the
same clothes as yesterday?

- Steph, you know I always
carry a change in the Turbo-Z.

- Oh, that's right.

d*ck?

- I-I'm sorry. I forgot.

I feel so... dirty.

- Michael, I'm bored.
I'd like to go home now.

- No can do, sweetcakes.
You've just had major surgery.

- So?

- Steph, I'm sure that your
doctors would appreciate,

you know, your hanging
around for a while so...

so that they can make sure
that the incision heals properly.

- Incision? They cut me?

- They-they-they had to.

An appendix isn't the
kind of thing that you can...

suck out.

- You mean, I'm
scarred for life?

- Well... yeah.

Oh!

- Aw, Steph, I'm
sure it won't be bad.

It'll be a cute scar.

I mean, you had
"a-cute appendicitis."

- Promise me you
won't abandon me

and run off with
someone unscarred.

- You can just doggy
bag those doubts.

You'll always remain
my one and only muffin,

albeit a sliced muffin.

- I don't think you realize what
a lucky young lady you are.

- Were there... there
were complications?

- Well, it's pretty unusual
to give a transfusion

after an appendectomy.

- You put blood in me?

- Fortunately, Little
Miss Rare Blood Type,

we had some saved
AB negative on hand.

Your daughter is a pip.

- Oh, she-she's not my, uh...

- I'm tired of all this
yucky blood and scar talk.

Shouldn't my room be
filled with fresh flowers

and tasteful get-well gifts?

- Look what the
florist left on the porch.

- That's-that's quite
an arrangement.

- Yeah, and how.

- "To our darling,
darling Stephanie.

"We miss you. We love you.

"We cherish you. Get well soon."

- Must have set her
parents back a pretty penny.

- Oh, it's not from
the Vanderkellens.

It's from all the girls
at the Clinique counter

at Peck's Department Store.

Is Stephanie home
from the hospital?

- Michael's picking her up.
Where were you all night?

- Well, Stephanie's
appendicitis got me to thinking

I'm way overdue for a physical.

So I went to see
old Doc Winslow.

- What-what'd he say?

- Nothing really. It seems
he d*ed 23 years ago.

Anyway, his son, Old
Doc Winslow Junior,

he examined me and
said I was in tip-top shape.

- Oh, that's terrific.

- He also said I had a
little cholesterol problem,

but I don't know whether
I believe any doctor

who's barely out of his 50s.

- Well, kids are taking over.

- He said to be
on the safe side,

I should get more exercise

and stop burning my
candle at both ends.

- George, I've never known you
to burn your candle at one end.

- I guess you missed last year's
Hell Night at the Beaver Lodge.

I was wasted, d*ck.

- Direct from her side-splitting

week-long stint in
the recovery room,

Michael Harris is tickled
to present Miss Stephanie

"I've Lost 2-1/2 Pounds Eating
Hospital Food" Vanderkellen.

- You know, Stephanie,

I'm actually surprised
I'm saying this,

but things haven't been
the same around here...

- That's good, d*ck.
Are those flowers for me?

- Yeah, they just arrived.

They're from your friends at
the Clinique counter at Peck's.

- Oh!

Nothing from the
Estee Lauder counter?

- Gee, nice bell.

- It's sterling.

It's a get-well
gift from Michael.

- I figured that while
Steph is in a recoup mode,

she could just ring her dinger.

So you could drop whatever
silly things you do around here

and scoot to my
beauty's bedside.

- Isn't he thoughtful?

- How long will
you be recouping?

- Well, the doctor
said seven to ten days,

but I plan on a good month.

- You don't think 10
days is long enough?

- Well, d*ck, I'm
fragile and petite.

I'm not from hardy
peasant stock like Joanna.

Michael, I'm fatigued
from my homecoming.

To my room, please.

- Steph.

- Oh, I forgot.

- I didn't know Joanna was
from hardy peasant stock.

- You never saw her pull a plow.

- There. I've
positioned the floribunda

in descending
order of lavishness

with the beaucoup bucks bouquets

within sniffing
distance dribbling down

to those in the corner
with dubious eye appeal.

- Oh, that's lovely, Michael,

but I didn't see
d*ck and Joanna's.

- I hid them under your sink.

- Well, I'm ready to convalesce.

Hi, d*ck. Are those
the magazines

I requested?

- I got Vogue, Mademoiselle,
Glamour, Bazaar and Cosmo.

- Oooh! Prettier than her.

Prettier than her.

Than her.

Than her.

Michael?

- Oh, prettier than her.

- I-I do the same thing with GQ.

- I went to that
gourmet ice cream parlor

clear over in Tyville

and got a quart of hand-packed
french vanilla almond.

- Oh, my very favorite!

- I know. That's why
I didn't mind driving

46 miles on
bald tires to get it.

- Well, where's their
special hot fudge sauce?

Well, I guess if I leave now

I can be back
from Tyville by dark.

- I'll, uh, I'll put
this in the freezer,

and then you let me
know if you need me.

What-what is it, Steph?

- Nothing. I just had this
urge to exert some power.

- Hi. I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl,

and this is my
other brother Darryl.

Me and Darryl picked up
a little somethin' for you.

- Oh-h, and it's still wet.

- Funny, it wasn't
when we put it in there.

- I'll, uh, I'll stick these with
d*ck and Joanna's flowers.

- To be perfectly candid
with you, Miss Stephanie,

that was a replacement gift.

We'd gotten you
a real elegant item,

but it slithered
out of Darryl's grip

on the way over here.

- Some-some gifts
are just meant...

Meant to run free.

- I hope you're puttin'
Darryl's gift to good use.

- Oh, I don't remember
getting anything from you.

It's not that putrid
brocade pillow, is it?

- No, that's from
d*ck and Joanna, too.

- Well, actually-actually it's
more from Joanna than-than...

- So, what did Darryl give me?

- Well, remember last week
when you were stricken?

- Yes.
- And you went to the hospital?

- Yes.

- And you had an operation?

- Yes!

- Well, right now,
you've got a fresh pint

of Darryl's very
own personal blood.

Coursing through your
veins. Cool gift, huh?

- Michael, I'm not
happy. Do something!

- There's a large leap
in logic here, Larry.

Just because Darryl is a donor

doesn't mean his
particular plasma

is pumping through
Steffie's petite capillaries.

- Sure it does.

They're the town's
only AB negatives.

See, Darryl likes to
drop by the hospital

and visit his blood once a week.

His schedule permitting.

And I know he
won't mind my saying

that he nearly swallowed
his cud when he learned

that some of his
own vital fluids

are whizzing through
Miss Stephanie's firm body.

- Michael! I'm polluted!

Ewwww!

- Be-be brave, Steph.

I'll-I'll be by your side
through this horrible ordeal

even if it does
make my flesh crawl!

- Stephanie, you're making
this much worse than it is.

I am not! My blood's
not blue anymore!

- Well, I'm glad our little
get-well gift slithered away.

Although I admit it would
have looked charming

coiled around Miss
Stephanie's headboard.

- So any-anyone for ice cream?

- Nothing like a steaming
bowl of oat bran, d*ck.

- Yum!

- Is that a cheese omelet?

- Yes.

- Cheddar?

- Swiss.

- Oh.

Uh, three-egg omelet or four?

- I-I used four.

- Cooked in butter?
- Yes!

George, if this is
too hard on you,

I can eat in the kitchen.

- No, no, d*ck. I don't
want to put you out.

As your friend, I'm happy

you have a low
cholesterol count...

and can stuff your
face with anything.

- Hi. I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl,

and this was my
other brother Darryl.

- You have an 8x10
glossy of your brother?

- Well, there was
a time back when

that Darryl had a short-lived

but lucrative
career in modeling.

- I didn't know he was
such a glamour boy.

- The miracle of proper
backlighting and airbrushing.

- Well, where is Darryl?

- He's been gone all night.
We searched everywhere.

Darryl even combed
the local discotheques.

- I didn't know
Darryl was a dancer.

- I-I knew he was a model.

- Darryl tends to trip the light
fandango when he's bummed,

and I could tell Miss Stephanie

put him in one of
his dancin' moods.

- I-I'm not apologizing
for it, guys, but uh, I mean,

I-I'm sure that Miss Stephanie

never meant to offend
Darryl intentionally.

I mean, the-the
expression "Ewwww"

can be interpreted in
any number of ways.

- Like how?

- Well, uh, like, "Ewwww, boy!"

- I'm appeased, but
Darryl here gets the feelin'

that you're pullin'
our collective chains.

- Well, believe me, guys,

that is something
I would never do.

But I'm sure Miss Stephanie
thinks of you as friends.

- Well, a real friend doesn't go
around hurting another friend.

Come on, Darryl,
let's get a move on.

There's got to be somewhere
we haven't searched.

Good thinkin'! The pound!

- Poor Darryl. Out
there somewhere alone.

Who knew he'd take it this hard?

- Just because he's a model
doesn't mean he can't cry.

- Steph, you haven't
eaten since yesterday.

You've got to
nibble on something.

Try the french toast.

- I've lost all desire for food.

I have the blood of a
woodsman running through me.

- Well, I hate to
be a Gloomy Gus,

but if you don't get
some nourishment,

you're going to become anemic
and you'll need even more

of Darryl's blood... life juice.

Steph!

What's happening to you?

Oh! Oh my God!

It's the Darryl
coming out in me!

- Get a grip on yourself.
Maybe you were just hungry.

- No, it's a side effect.

What if I start craving
pre-chewed food?

- I'll still love you!

We'll just never dine
out in public again.

- How's everything?
- Ease up, d*ck.

At least you don't
att*ck your food

like some wild, demented animal.

Oh, no offence, pumpkin.

- Larry and Darryl
were just here without...

without Darryl.

They're, uh, they're a
little worried about him.

They haven't seen
him since he...

ran out of here yesterday.

- If you're going to keep
yelling at me like this,

you can just go away!

- I-I didn't think I
was raising my voice.

I-I was just-just
relaying some news.

- He's ignoring my
bell. Make him stop!

- Quit tormenting her, d*ck!

Can't you see my
cupcake is crumbling?

- Darryl!

- Darryl, where have you been?

Your brothers have
been worried about you.

Oh, you've been out
gathering... leeches.

- Michael!

- Aren't they normally used in-
in pagan blood-letting rituals?

- Uh, well that-that's
very thoughtful, Darryl,

but I-I don't think
Stephanie wants your blood

sucked out of her...
by-by these little fellas.

- Get those icky, slimy
things out of my room!

Oh, Darryl, wait!

No, I don't want the
bucket. Give that to d*ck.

- I'll, uh, I'll just... I'll
just put these outside...

way, way at the
end of the driveway.

- Michael, I would like
to speak to Darryl alone.

- You sure, Steph?
He's been at the bog.

- I'm sure.

Don't be afraid. I'm
not going to bite you.

Sit down.

Not that close.

Thank you for the leeches.

They were repulsive,
but the thought was there.

And I'm sorry about yesterday.

I really am.

I guess you thought I
was pretty mean to you.

Well, it wasn't on purpose.

I had a lot of stuff
going through my head.

I mean, the thought
of your blood in me,

or anyone else's, made
me just a little testy.

Is this making any sense?

Well, it should.

Okay.

Maybe I wasn't thinking
about your feelings.

Maybe I was just
thinking about myself.

You nodded pretty
quickly on that one.

Darryl, I'm going to tell
you something about myself

that not even Michael knows,
but it can't leave this room.

There are times when I can be

just the tiniest
bit self-centered.

No, really, it's true.

And this might have
been one of those times.

I was rude to you, and
I shouldn't have been.

I guess, in a way, you
sort of saved my life.

Maybe one day, I can
do something for you.

You want a muffin?

Uh, you have some crumbs
there on the corner of your mouth.

Wait.

You want another one?

Here. Take the whole thing.

Wouldn't you be happier
eating those at the bog?

- Meow.
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