07x07 - Twelve Annoyed Men and Women

[bunniefuu]

- Hi, d*ck.

I'm all ready for tonight.

Do you think Joanna would let
me borrow some of her makeup?

- George, when I invited
you to the Patriots game,

it was as a buddy,
not-not as a date.

- No, no. I thought
if I painted my face

different colors and
danced around like an idiot,

they'd put me on TV.

- Oh, that's the way
Alistair Cooke got his start.

- Hi, honey. How was jury duty?

- Well, it's almost over.

We go into deliberations
this afternoon.

- Joanna, can I borrow
some of your makeup?

I'm going out with d*ck tonight.

- What?
- Just-just say yes, Joanna.

- Sure, George.
- Gee, thanks.

- Hi. I'm Larry.

This is my brother, Darryl,

and this is my
other brother, Darryl.

- What can we do for you guys?

- Well, we spent most of
last night scratchin' our heads.

- And this is...
this is unusual?

- Well, normally we do it
to stimulate our follicles.

But this time it was due
to a philosophical question

Darryl posed that put us
in an intellectual quandary.

- Well, you've
piqued our curiosity.

What was the question?

- If a tree falls in the forest

and there's no
one there to hear it,

does it make a sound?

- Larry, that... that's
an age-old question.

- It is?

So it didn't just
pop into your head.

I apologize for my
brother's plagiarism.

It was just a shoddy
ploy to pass himself off

as a deep thinker.

- Well, at least
he didn't tell you

he wrote the Dead Sea Scrolls.

- I suppose your poem
"The Toad Not Taken"

is stolen, too.

- Larry, that... that
probably is actually his.

- Anyway, does a tree
make a sound or not?

- Well, that's a
question, Larry,

that no one can really answer.

- You mean, like why
when you cut a worm in half,

the two sides live,

but you can't do the
same with a hedgehog?

- Ex-ex-exactly.

- Maybe we can find the
answer to our tree question.

Come on, Darryl,
the woods await.

- Uh, people, people,
this isn't a coffee klatch,

let's get started.

- My, I wonder who has tickets
to the Patriots game tonight.

- It has nothing
to do with football.

The Constitution guarantees
a person a speedy trial.

- I guess our forefathers
had Patriots tickets, too.

- Uh, the first thing we
have to do is elect a foreman.

- Boy, d*ck, you sure
know a lot about the law.

Maybe you should be foreman.

- Oh, if nobody objects.

- Nobody cares.

- Okay then, I'm foreman.

Now let's, uh, let's see
how everyone stands.

- I-I vote guilty.

- I was wavering between
guilty and innocent,

but since that football
game is so important to you,

I'll vote guilty, too.

- Sounds good to me.

- Sure, why not.

- I'll go along with
everyone else.

- Wait, wait a second.
You-you can't vote guilty

just because I have
to go to my game.

- We can't?

- No, your decision has to be
based on the evidence we heard,

and... and nothing else.

- Oh, dear. If I'd known that,

I'd have listened more closely.

- And he's the mayor.

- I took some notes.
Maybe I should read them.

- Oh, good idea.

For those of you who
didn't listen during the trial,

Miss Goddard will now
tell you what it's about.

- Day one. The
jury is assembled.

Lunch consists of a
choice of sandwiches.

Everyone seems
to like the tuna best,

and they disappeared quickly.

The toasted cheese
was grilled to perfection,

though a mite too
salty for my taste...

- Is-is there anything in
there about the defendant?

- No, he didn't eat with us.

- Oh, I'll... I'll
take it from here.

Okay. We, uh, we
all know the defendant

was in the pet store on
the day in question, right?

If you say so, d*ck.

- And-and we also know he
was caught two blocks away

with an alleged stolen
cockatoo on his shoulder.

- That's a funny
word, "cockatoo."

- Like "cock-a-doodle-do."

- The one that always
gets me is "cockamamie."

- Does anyone else have a
funny word or can we go on?

- What's the point?

You've convinced
us to vote guilty.

- Look, our decision could...
Could send a man to-to jail.

His life could be
ruined, and we can't...

we can't take that
responsibility lightly.

- You're right, d*ck.

This is too important
to leave up to whims.

I've changed my
vote to innocent.

- Sounds good to me.

- Sure, why not.

Like I said, I'll go along.

- You can't vote innocent!
The man is clearly guilty!

- d*ck, please stop these
sadistic mind games!

- Chop-chop, Chiquita.

Hi-ho, JoJo.

- Hi, Michael. Where
are you two going?

- To the mall.

One day a month, we donate
our time to community service.

- You and Stephanie?

- Uh-hm.

We approach shoppers
who have no sense of style

and help them by handing
out fashion citations.

- That's terrible!

- That's why we only
do it once a month.

It's so draining.

- It's not like we don't
give them a warning first.

It's the repeat
offenders we're after.

- If someone is tempted
to buy something

that would look
atrocious on them,

it's our job to teach
them to just say no.

- And to think all I
do is read to the blind.

- Well, that's important, too.

Oh, Michael, maybe someday
there won't be any need

for fashion police.

- My little dreamer.

As long as poor, misguided souls

continue to wear "I'm
with Stupid" tee shirts...

We're on call.

Let's roll.

- Hi. I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl,

and this is my
injured brother Darryl.

- What happened?

- Well, we were in the forest

trying to answer that
age-old question...

- Oh, no!

You're not going to
show me half a hedgehog.

- I mean the tree question.

We chopped one down

and then tried to
run out of the forest

before it hit the ground.

But Darryl's not
as fleet of foot

since he pulled his Achilles
in a low-impact aerobics class.

- The tree fell on him?

- Yep. But it
wasn't a total loss...

we did learn that if
a tree falls on Darryl,

he doesn't make a sound.

Darryl, you already missed
your opportunity to say hi.

Come on, our quest continues.

- So... would you
like some cocoa?

I'll take that as a yes.

- How can you all think
he-he was innocent?

He was caught red-handed?

- Well... maybe the
bird got on his shoulder

without his knowing.

- It was established
in the trial

that the bird's
wings were clipped.

- Oh dear, I must have
been wool gathering

when they said that.

- Perhaps it climbed
on the man's shoulder.

They didn't clip
its feet, did they?

- I've seen cockatoos
climb ladders on TV.

Once I even saw one of them

drive one of those
little fire engines.

- Did you see that on TV, too?

- No, he saw it on a highway.

- Well, you have to admit, d*ck,

that the evidence
is really stacking up

in the defendant's favor.

- What evidence?

The bird u-used a fire ladder
to climb on the guy's shoulder?

- No one said a fire ladder.

I believe we said
a regular ladder.

- We know you want to get
to your football game, d*ck,

but there's no need
to twist our words.

- How... how can a
man walk two blocks

with a huge bird on his
shoulder and not notice it?

I mean, someone has got to say,

"Hey, mister, you got a
huge bird on your shoulder."

- Well, once I had
a big piece of clove

stuck on my tooth for two
days, and nobody noticed that.

- Well, I noticed.
It was a scream.

- Jim, you should
have said something.

- I did. I told everyone.

- Maybe we should
re-enact the crime.

That's what they do on TV.

- Great!

The first thing we
need is a cockatoo.

- There's... there's
no cockatoo in here.

I already checked.

- Annette, maybe
you could make one.

She took an origami
class at the Y.

- I can only do elephants.

- Well, a bird is just a
skinny elephant with wings.

- Okay. I'll try.

- So stupid!

- Look at her work.

It's as though her fingers
are divinely guided.

- There.

- It's a paper plane!

- Jim, why don't you put
the bird on my shoulder,

and I'll see if I notice it.

- Okay.

- Well?

- I can't feel a thing.

Obviously, a bird can
sit on someone's shoulder

without the person noticing.

- That... that "bird"
weighs less than an ounce.

A real cockatoo
weighs over 2 pounds!

- So what?

- Here.

- Ow!

- You crushed Annette's bird.

- That's how much a
real cockatoo weighs.

You-you noticed
that, didn't you?

- Yes, now please take it off.
I'm losing feeling in my arm.

- And we were right
after all. The man is guilty.

- We should have listened
to our hearts and not to d*ck.

- Fine. Let's take another
vote so we can get out of here.

Guilty.
- Guilty.

- Guilty.

- Innocent.

- I don't understand.
We all agreed; he's guilty.

- Well, like you said, d*ck,

our decision could
send a man to jail.

We can't take that
responsibility too lightly.

- Well, I can.

Put him in jail and
let's get out of here.

- I just don't think that
we should rush into things.

Maybe we should
order something to eat.

- Good idea! I'll ask
the bailiff for menus.

How does everybody
feel about Chinese?

Italian?

- No! No food
until he votes guilty.

- Take it easy, d*ck.

This trial is about
a bird, not evolution.

- Boy, it sure is
getting hot around here.

- Could someone turn
down the thermostat?

- No. As mayor,

I had all the thermostats
put on a*t*matic timers.

- Why?

- Don't rile him. He'll
crush your other shoulder.

- I'll open the window.
Stay calm, d*ck.

It's stuck!

Oh dear! That's the last time
we hire George Utley to paint.

He just slops the stuff on
like there's no tomorrow.

- Why don't we just throw
a chair through the window?

- Why don't we just throw
Dave through the window?

- Oh. How did it go at the
mall? Bust any bellbottoms?

- Actually people did
react a little less violently

this month, although
a badly dressed florist

did try to push us
down the escalator.

- But, all in all, it
was a good day.

Six warnings,
and three citations.

- You must feel so fulfilled.

- Well, charity does
begin at the mall.

- Joanna, we finally got the
answer to that tree question.

- What tree question?

- If a tree falls in the
forest and no one's there,

does it make a sound?

- I've got the
answer... who cares?

- We put one of Darryl's video
cameras in front of the tree.

- You have a video camera?

- He's quite the videophile.

Every time a new
camera comes out,

he's got to have one.

He's the same way
with pudding pops.

Anyway, we put two hungry
beavers in front of the tree

then turned on the camera.

Then we left and
came back an hour later.

The answer is right
here on this tape.

Prepare to be enlightened.

- You know, Darryl, I'm
kind of a video buff myself.

We should get together some
time and talk tape technique.

- Pipe down, you two.

Look, Darryl, our
beaver's on the tube.

That's Dean on the
right and Jerry on the left.

- How can you tell them apart?

- Jerry is the one
with slick-backed fur.

- Oooh, I have
a coat like Jerry.

- Oh, look, they're
starting to gnaw off the tree.

- Wow, those choppers
can really chop.

- Why are they stopping?

- And why is Dean giving
Jerry that funny look?

- Whoa, that's why!

And on top of pinecones!

- I think our Jerry's been
masquerading as a boy.

Same plot line as Yentl.

- If only d*ck would
get this passionate.

- Joanna, I'm going to
drive over to the courthouse

and wait for d*ck outside.

- That's nice, George.

- Oh, I didn't know
we had cable.

- I bet Hell feels like this.

- Especially if Chester
set the thermostat.

- Hey, it's George.

You fool. You painted
the windows shut.

- Chester, get a grip.

- You're not going to
hit me, are you, d*ck?

- You'll see.

Look, you know the
defendant is guilty, don't you?

- Yes.

- Then why are you
doing this to me?

- I like it here.

- What?

- I like it here.

The people, the
atmosphere, the warmth.

- Are you out of your mind?

- d*ck, I stuff
envelopes for a living.

I hardly ever get to go
out except to buy stamps.

This is the most
fun I've had in years.

I never want it to end.

- Never?

- Never, d*ck.

- Excuse me.

Everyone... Dave
just informed me

why he's not
going to vote guilty.

He doesn't want
all this fun to end.

Ever. He likes us.

- Well, then you tell
Dave that we like him, too?

- Not yet. I wanted
to get your okay.

Wh-what if we tell Dave
that if he votes guilty

when this is over, we'll...

we'll all get together?

- That's a good idea, d*ck.

And here we were voting
to impeach you as foreman.

- We hear you like us, Dave.

- Gosh, d*ck, did you
have to tell everyone?

- Look, we decided
if you vote guilty,

we'll all... we'll all get
together sometime.

- I don't believe you.

They said the same
thing after traffic school.

"We'll all get together
sometime"...nobody ever called.

- We're-we're definitely...

- Well...
- Wait!

How-how about Saturday?
- That's no good for me.

I promised my sister
I'd help her weed.

- Well, cancel it!

- You don't know my sister.
Nobody cancels on Heidi.

- How about the
following Saturday?

- No good for me.

I've got a date with
Heidi that Saturday.

- How about that Sunday?

- Depends if I get lucky
with Heidi Saturday night.

- How about one
evening during the week?

- Well, Tuesday and Thursday
are out for Chester and me.

We're taking a massage class.

- And I have pastry club
on Mondays and Fridays.

- Look, we-we're getting
together, and that's it.

Uh, how about Wednesday?

- Sounds good to me.
- Wednesday is good for me.

- Fine! Wednesday it is.

- Right, we'll meet every
Wednesday evening from now on.

- Every Wednesday? I
mean, isn't that asking a little...

Okay. Guilty or innocent?

- Let the birdman fry.

- Yay, let's go tell our
verdict to the judge.

- Oh, uh, people,
I almost forgot.

I always have dinner with
my mother on Wednesday.

- Bring her!

Good night, George.

- I'm real sorry we
missed the game, d*ck.

Who knew my face would
react to the makeup that way?

- Yeah, who knew.
Now go to bed, George.

- The doctor in emergency
told me it's not unusual

for a man my age to be
allergic to certain eye shadow.

- Good. Good night, George.

- He gave me a list of
hypoallergenic makeup

that I can use when I...
- Just go to bed.

- All right. Sweet dreams, d*ck.

- Whoa!

- Meow!