07x11 - Hi, Society

[bunniefuu]

- Joanna, why... Why
didn't you stop me

from eating that fifth pancake?

- I tried! Didn't you notice me

jabbing your hand with my fork?

- You should know me by now.
You've got to break the skin.

- Ooooh, somebody
left us a note.

"Good morning.
"Saw you were eating.

"Didn't want to interrupt.

"Checked myself into Room 2.

Hope you don't
mind. L. Gardner."

- You mean, somebody
came in off the street and...

And checked themselves in?

- Oh, I remember.

An L. Gardner wrote
us for reservations

about a month ago.

I wonder if that's who it is.

- Don't go out on
a limb, Joanna.

- Joanna, if you were going

to a $2500-a-plate
charity dinner

at the Ritz-Carlton in New
York, which of course you aren't...

And you had to decide
between two designer gowns

which, of course, you don't own,

which one would you choose?

- Well, obviously the white one.

- Okay. You've got
another sh*t at it.

- The black one.

- That was my first choice, too.

- What, uh, what charity is it?

- Uh, oh, it's one
of those causes...

the needy, the starving.

I forget which. Anyway...

The point is, we
all get to dress up,

eat a lot, and
impress each other.

- Do you know the water
is running in Room 2?

- Yeah, we... we have
a guest in there, George.

- You didn't happen
to... catch a glimpse

of whoever is in there, did you?

- Joanna, I'm
not in the habit of

peeking at guests in the shower.

Not since d*ck yelled at me.

- Oh, Steph.
- Hi, Michael.

- Hello, Stratford inn-mates.

- Bad news, bear.

Starting today,
the Circus of Shoes

will be open 24 hours a day.

- Who would buy shoes
in the middle of the night?

- Ask my manager.

This silly scheme seeped
out of his cerebellum.

It's going to fail just like his

buy one pair/get
one shoe free idea.

- Poor you! Ready for tonight?

- Sorry, Cuppers.

There's a timecard
with my name on it.

Well, I guess there's no choice.

Quit your job.

- My mitts are manacled.

None of the other
salesmen can work tonight.

Timmy's cramming
for a spelling bee.

The manager has
his SATs coming up.

Well, that means I
can't go to the ball!

- Stephanie, if it'll
make you feel better,

you can hang out with Joanna
and me tonight and play Yahtzee.

- Well, that certainly helped.

- d*ck, you know I would
never ask you a favor

unless you were around.

This dinner means
mucho to my muffin.

Do you think you could
possibly pinch-hit for me tonight?

- Michael, I'm not very
comfortable at formal affairs.

- Suck in that ego, d*ck.
I mean, at the shoe store.

- No!

- All right, all right. You...
you can go to the ball.

- I don't want
to go to the ball.

I hate those things!

- If I can't import an escort,

there'll be no more
muffin on my menu.

- Michael, I... I still
don't think that... that...

- Don't make me
resort to blackmail, d*ck.

- You... you don't
have anything on me.

You see how pathetic I am!

And that was my Tr*mp card!

- Wow-wee!

- d*ck, these are 200 of
the most prominent people

on the East Coast.

You don't say, "Wow-wee."

You use words like "ah," "hmmm."

- I... I guess the
richer you are,

the fewer syllables
you have to use.

- Oh, the Thorntons are here.

When you meet Mr. Thornton,

don't mention the
word "indictment."

- I'll, uh... I'll try to keep
my acerbic tongue in check.

- One more thing, when you
finish eating that shrimp puff,

don't sniff your fingers.

- I suppose I can't
spit on the floor either.

- d*ck, this isn't
the Stratford.

- Pardon me, have
you seen Binky?

- Huh?

- Ah, there he is,
and he's with Tess.

Hmmm.

- d*ck, if you don't know
the answer to a question,

don't say "huh."

Just toss your head
back in a playful manner

and laugh knowingly, like so.

- May-maybe I should
just wait in the plane.

- Just smile and
have a good time.

Oh, damn! Libby
Hardcourt is here.

We hate her.

- Why... why do we hate her?

- Oh, she's one
of those spoiled,

snotty little rich girls.
You know the type.

- I... I have a
pretty good idea.

- Her coming-out party
cost $50,000 more than mine.

Her parents even
flew in Carol Channing

who made us all sing
along to "Hello, Libby."

I hate her, I hate
her, I hate her!

Libby dear!
- Stephanie darling.

- It's been too long.

- Stephanie, your hair.

- Oh, do you like it?
- Not a bit!

- Oh, I see you're wearing
an original Gianina Brazizzi.

- Yes, and I see you're
wearing the knockoff.

- Have you met my
escort, Scooter Drake.

- Hello. Stephanie Vanderkellen.

- Yes, of course.

Libby's told me
so much about you.

You're the one who got
smashed at her coming-out party

and tried to choke Carol
Channing with her boa.

- And this is my
escort, Richard Loudon.

- Scooter.

- Hello, old man.

- Did you hear that Scooter's
microchip company's

just been sold for $280 million?

- $200? Wow!

Ah!

Hmmm!

- And these are my
neighbors from Southampton,

Kip and Anastasia DuPont.

- Hello.
- Charmed.

- You mean the DuPonts?

Obviously, Richard.

- I, uh, I have your
carpet in my bedroom.

- Your escort is just too droll.

- Isn't he though?

Richard, my glass is empty.

- Oh, all right, and while
I'm getting you a refill,

I'll... I'll try to come up
with some more droll lines.

- We'll be looking
forward to them.

- Heckuva party, huh?

- Indeed. I don't
believe we've met.

Colonel Reginald Croft-Tipton.

But call me Binky.
Everybody does.

- All right, all right, Binky.
I'm, uh, Richard Loudon.

- Not Sir Richard Loudon?

- Hi. I'm Larry. This
is my brother Darryl,

and this is my
other brother Darryl.

- Hi, fellas. What's up?

- It seems a puzzling
phenomenon occurred.

We were in the woods
choosin' up sides

for a quick game
of Naked Prey...

But Darryl forgot the Turtle
Wax for the bonus round...

So we went back to the
café where we found this.

- "Good afternoon.

"Couldn't find a waiter,
"so I made myself breakfast.

"Hope you don't
mind. L. Gardner."

- Did you happen to get
a glance at L. Gardner?

- No. Sorry.

What's that?

You saw the L.
Gardner in question?

- Well, is it a man or a woman?

- Seems to be a
discrepancy of opinion.

Darryl thinks it's a woman,
but Darryl begs to differ.

Since my brothers are
known for their extraordinary

gender-guessing
skills, it's safe to assume

that L. Gardner could only be

a swing dancer from
the road company

of the lilting Jerry
Herman musical

La Cage Aux Folles.

- I was so far off.

- Scooter just bought the
most charming villa in Anguilla.

- It's only 14 rooms. I
bought it for the rhyme.

- Well, Richard and I winter

at this charming
little inn in Vermont.

- We also spring,
summer, and fall there.

- Vermont. How... backwoodsy.

- I just happen to own that
charming backwoodsy inn,

and Stephanie is well
acquainted since she is the...

- Oh, Richard, my glass.

- I've never seen
you so parched.

- Wherever did you
find your Richard?

He's such a refreshing change
from an interesting person.

- Well... actually,
Richard is very interesting.

He's just so modest.

It's really such a
chore to get him to chat

about his incredible wealth.

- Oh, really,
Steffie? Do fill us in.

- Well, you're all
so well-traveled,

surely you've stayed
at a Loudon hotel.

- I don't believe we have.

- You should splurge
once in a while.

- Come to think of it, I
believe I have stayed

at a Loudon hotel
in Boca... Raton.

- Oh, of course! Kip
and I honeymooned

at the new Loudon in Portofino.

- The golf course
was most challenging.

And so was Anastasia.

- Oh, don't I know.

- So he's that Richard Loudon.

Ah!

Hmmm.

- Isn't there a Loudon
conceptual art wing

at the Whitney?

- Got me!

- Richard, darling.

We're all just
dying to know more

about those little
inns of yours.

- It must be absolutely
thrilling to have one's name

be synonymous
with the word "luxury."

- It... it must be.

- What a delightful
sense of humor!

- The next time we
weekend in Bimini,

we'll have to
stay at your resort.

- I don't... I don't recall
having a resort in Bimini.

- You know the one, Richard.
It's a small one on the bluff.

- Oh, oh, the... the bluff one.

You know, Stephanie,
I-I have a sudden urge

to refill your glass.

Would you... Would
you care to join me?

- Oh, no. It's still full.

- Polish it off on the way.

- He's such an imp.

- What is going on here?

Why... why do they suddenly
think of me as a hotel tycoon?

- Oh, you know the social elite.
They probably just assumed.

- They assumed I
had a resort in Bimini?

I... I don't even know
where... where Bimini is!

- Well, maybe I
embellished a little bit.

- Maybe you lied your head off.

- I was forced into it.

Libby didn't find
you very interesting.

- I don't care
what Libby thinks.

We hate her anyway.

- The point is, I was just
trying to make you look better.

- I don't want to look better.

I-I'm d*ck.

Not... not Richard Loudon.

As a matter of fact, I'm going
to go over there right now

and tell that to... to,
uh, to Scooter and...

and Kip and Anastasia
and Libby and... and Dinkie.

- It's Binky.
- Whatever!

- d*ck, you cannot
go over there.

You'll humiliate us
both, especially me!

- Excuse me, aren't
you Richard Loudon?

- No, I'm d*ck... Merv Griffin!

- That's right.
- Uh, yes, yes.

I'm, uh, I-I'm Richard
Loudon, but you...

you can... you call me d*ck.
Ev-every-veeryone does.

- Uh-huh.

- And I'm Stephanie
Vanderkellen,

d*ck's very, very
special friend.

- Uh-huh. Very nice to meet you.

- Say, Richard, I've
been hearing your name

around here all evening.

- Ah!

- That's what I miss
about having a talk show,

meeting really
fascinating people like you.

- You know, I have... I
have a talk show, too.

- Ooooh!

Oh, there's Mort.

Listen, I promised my
dear friend Malcolm Forbes

that I'd sing "I Want to Go
Back to My Little Grass Shack."

Why don't you
join me for a duet?

- Well, uh, I... I could
do a little harmony.

- Oh, that's good. Okay.

Meet me at the Steinway.

- I'm going to sing
harmony with Merv Griffin!

- Maybe I could
sing the high part.

- Stephanie, this
is a duet for guys.

Just Merv and me.

- ♪ I want to go back
To my little grass shack ♪

- ♪ In Kealakekua ♪
- ♪ Hawaii ♪

♪ I want to be with All
the kanes and wahines ♪

♪ That I knew long ago ♪

♪ I can hear those
Guitars a playin' ♪

- ♪ Playin' ♪

- ♪ Playin' on the
beach At Honaunau ♪

- ♪ Ho-ho-hoedown ♪

- ♪ I can hear The
old Hawaiians saying ♪

- ♪ Saying lu lui
How ei kow e i ♪

- George, it's almost midnight.
Aren't you going to bed?

- I'm determined
to sit right here until

L. Gardner comes
in. Care to join me?

- Aren't you being
a little bit silly?

- Oh, right. I guess we
would have bit more room

if we sat on the sofa.

- Listen! You hear that?

It's him!

Or her. How do I look?

- Fine, George.

- Gosh! He looks just
like Michael Harris.

- I am Michael Harris.

- Oh, for a minute there, we
thought you were L. Gardner.

- No, I'm only el shoe clerk.

But I could be L. Gardner
if the pesos are right.

- If you're looking
for Stephanie,

she's not back
from New York yet.

- Oh, yeah, I didn't think so.

You know, now that I'm
selling clogs around the clock,

my lunch break is
midnight until one

and everything's closed.

Any French fries in the fryer
or fresh fruit in the fridge?

- I hate to hear
myself say this...

but I'm afraid I can find
a few frozen frankfurters

in the freezer in front
of the fettuccini Alfredo

from Friday.

- Stephanie, what are we
doing a week from Tuesday?

Brooke Astor
invited us to a soiree.

- Well, dear, you've
already committed us

to that yachting
thing with the Trumps.

- Darn! I hate to put
Brooke off like this.

- Oh, I'm sure your little
Brooke will understand.

- You're... You're
not upset, are you?

- Oh, why would I be
upset, Mr. Belle of the Ball?

- You're upset
b-because they like me?

- They only like you because
they don't know who you are.

If they knew the
real you like I do,

they wouldn't like you at all!

- Richard, come quickly.

We're toasting the
Murdocks' summer home.

- I don't want to miss this.

Rupert's imported some new
sconces for the billiard room.

- Thank God. They've
been waiting for months

for those sconces.

- Wow-wee!

- To the Murdocks' summer home!

- Cheers!

- And their new sconces.

- Well, Richard, seems that I
finally have you all to myself.

- Well, what, uh, what ha...
What happened to... to Scooter?

- Scooter's just a boy.

I want you, Richard.

- There's... there's a lot...
To be... to be said for boys.

Stephanie, I was
just looking for you.

- You're wasting
your time, Libby.

There's something you
should know about Richard.

He's not one of us.

He's just a middle
class innkeeper.

- What a pitiful attempt
to grab attention!

- That's true! He's an imposter.

He's as fake as the
nose on your face.

- This can't be. I've
stayed at his hotel in Bimini.

- He doesn't even
know where Bimini is.

- Tell me it isn't
true, Sir Richard.

- It isn't, Binky.

I'm... I'm pretty sure I
know where Bimini is.

Steph, uh, Stephanie is right.

I'm just an innkeeper... and...

She's... she's a maid.

- A maid!

Oh, my, my, my! How delicious!

- Oh, if only Noel
Coward were here.

He'd make great sport of this.

- What... what are
you all laughing at?

I mean, I'm... I'm an
innkeeper and she's a maid.

Doesn't make any difference
whether you're rich or poor.

I mean when all... when
all is saidand done, we're...

we're all the same underneath.

Malcolm Forbes.

Henry Kissinger.

Merv Griffin.

Well, there goes my doubles
match with Merv and the Gabors.

And there goes Don
Tr*mp's helicopter.

Stephanie, I... I can't take
this silent treatment anymore.

Say something.

- How could you humiliate me

in front of my
friends like that?

- What friends?

You... you said you hated
everybody in that room.

- That's because I
felt superior to them.

Now the only one
I'm superior to is you!

- If I embarrassed
you... I'm... I'm sorry.

- You're forgiven.

I know how easy it is to be
seduced by wealth and power.

Some people can handle
it with grace and dignity

and others become
drooling idiots.

I'm sorry I brought you, d*ck.

- Apology accepted.

Now, can... can we go inside?

- I am never
going back in there.

From now on, this
balcony will be our home.

- I'm sure it's safe.

E-everyone's left
e-except the cleaning crew.

Pobrecito Richard Loudon!

- What time is it?

- We fell asleep!

That's L. Gardner.

He... she's driving away!

Now's our chance.
- For what?

- If we cut through
Breyer's Field,

we can head him or her
off at Johnnycake Ridge.

- George, it's 7 in the morning.

- Hurry up! L's getting away!

- This is the stupidest...

- Hello?

Hello?

Does anybody ever
work in this town?

I should have just
listened to my travel agent

and gone to Jamaica!

Some vacation!

- ♪ I want to go back
To my little grass shack ♪

- ♪ In Kealakekua ♪
- ♪ Hawaii ♪

- ♪ Where the huma-huma-nooga
Ah-poo-ah-go go swimming by ♪

Take it, d*ck.

- ♪ Where the ooo... oolie
ow... Owwee appa-ooey ♪

♪ Go swimming ♪

- ♪ By-y-y-y-y ♪

- Meow.