07x14 - The Nice Man Cometh

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Newhart". Aired: October 25, 1982, - May 21, 1990.*
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d*ck Loudon and wife Joanna relocate from New York City to a small town in Vermont, where they run the historic Stafford Inn.
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07x14 - The Nice Man Cometh

Post by bunniefuu »

- I don't know, Harry.

I can't make up my mind.

Everything looks so good.

Oh, miss!

What?

- What do you suggest?

- Well, I'd use less hairspray
and that lip gloss has to go.

- Mornings, me lads, me lasses.

- Hi, Michael.

- Steph.

- Why do you keep
coming back here?

You made it perfectly
clear to me that it's over.

- Just because our
amour is no more,

doesn't mean you have
custody of the compadres.

- Meaning?

- Michael is saying that
he-he's our friend too.

Isn't that what you're saying?

- I think so.

- Then why are you
always saying nasty things

about d*ck behind his back?

- Why are you here, Michael?

- I thought maybe
you could feed me.

You going to finish
that strip of bacon?

- Yes.

- Stephanie, why don't you
make Michael some breakfast?

- I'd rather roast in hell.

- She's taking this
breakup pretty well.

Don't you think?

- So how's the, uh,
job hunting going?

- I've papered this town
with resume mucho.

- Any... any nibbles?

- I did get one offer,

but I don't think I can do
that in front of a camera.

- Oh, Mis-Mr. Gorski,
what a pleasant surprise.

Honey, this is the new
station owner, Mr. Jack Gorski.

- Oh, hello. Nice to meet you.

- Hi, Mr. Gorski. Remember me?

- Of course.

I fired you after you
called my daughter a tramp.

- Good memory.

Oh, I've got to run.
I've got this thing

at this thing concerning
a very promising thing.

- We'll keep my things crossed.

- d*ck, I'll come
right to the point.

I'm starting a new late
night talk show next week,

and I'd like you to...

- Th-Th-That's very kind of you,

b-but Vermont Today
takes up so much of my time.

I-I don't know if I could
handle hosting two shows.

- Well, I'm not asking you to.

I'm not thrilled with
you hosting one show.

I've signed Don Prince
to host Vermont Tonight.

- Who's that?

- Well, remember the
irascible delicatessen owner on

It's Always Moishe?

- No.
- He was the whole show.

Then he did a horrible
reunion special,

A Very Moishe Christmas,

and they made
him leave California.

I found him doing
radio in Jersey.

- Morning, everybody.
- Hi, George.

Mr. Gorski, this is our
handyman, George Utley.

- George.
- Morning.

- George, do you
remember Don Prince?

- From It's Always Moishe?

What a show.

Now I'll have that
darn theme song

running through
my head all day long.

♪ Who's the guy
Who cuts pastrami? ♪

♪ It's always Moishe ♪

♪ Who's the guy Who
lives with Mommy? ♪

♪ It's always Moishe ♪

- Anyway, I'd like you to be
the first guest on Don's show.

- Me?

- I wanted a surefire celebrity
to grab some audience.

- Really?

- But you're all I
could come up with.

- Don't let it go to your head.

- Well, I'm sure I
can spare a night

to hel-help the guy out.

- Thanks.

If you turned me down,
I was going to ask her.

- ♪ Who's the guy Who
sells the knishes? ♪

♪ It's always Moishe ♪

♪ Who's the guy Who
smells like fishes? ♪

Everybody...

♪ It's always Moishe ♪

- Cue Mr. Prince,
15 seconds to air.

- I put your favorite
coffee mug on the desk

in the same spot as usual, d*ck.

- What same spot?

This show has never
been on before, Bud.

- Then whose mug did I give you?

In three, two...

Live from Studio 2,
it's Vermont Tonight,

starring the prince of
late night, Don Prince.

- Can you spare it?

Vermont, I had to get
booked in Vermont.

I'll make you
people feel at home.

Would you like some
syrup on your pancakes?

Guess the NyQuil kicked in.

Maybe you could
calm down long enough

to say hello to the
Vermont Tonight band.

Ted, are you bowing or did
you eat some bad mayonnaise?

What a band, eh? What a band.

I make better music
when I sit on balloons.

- "Put syrup on your pancakes."

- Bud, I spoke to the mortuary

and they say you
d*ed last Tuesday.

And they want you
to return the shoes.

My first guest tonight
is a local talk show host,

d*ck Loudon.

Would you walk a little faster?

The show is only 90 minutes.

- Nice... nice to meet you.

- What happened?
They run out of...

They run out of paper
in the men's room?

- Don, on behalf of WPIV,

I'd like to welcome
you to Vermont.

- Gee, I get chills.

Look who they
sent me, the janitor,

to welcome me to Vermont.

- No, I-I'm not the janitor.

I-I-I'm d*ck Loudon,
I-I host Vermont Today.

- Oh, who the hell
watches that show?

Some old lonely lumberjacks

and maybe one guy
that works the ski lift.

- No.
- That's a nice suit, d*ck.

You wear that,
and in eight years,

it'll come back in style.

- A-Actually, Vermont
Today was the first show

to-to interview Congressman
Joseph Scandore af-after he...

- It's an old suit, isn't it?

- After... after he was indicted
for lau-laundering cash.

- You hate the part
with the buck, don't you?

- I-I-I spend... I spend bucks.

- On what? Muscatel?

I don't I don't...
I don't drink.

- Look at that, d*ck. You're
starting to blush, huh?

You're starting to blush.

Either that, or he's thinking
about me being naked.

What's the matter,
d*ck? You got jock itch?

- How much... how much
time do we... do we have left?

- Eighty-four minutes.

- Oh... oh my God.

- d*ck, you're
sweating like a pig.

What do you got, malaria?

What's in that mug? Let me see.

- Wa... uh, water.

- What are those
olives doing in there?

- Th-Th-There are no olives.

- What the hell are they?

Hot smoke sh*t out of my pants.

♪ Who's the guy Who's
sweet and caring? ♪

♪ It's always Moishe ♪

e♪ Who's the guy Who
reeks from herring? ♪

♪ It's always Moishe ♪

- Morning, George.
- Morning, Joanna.

Listen to this review.

"Last night, during the
premier of Vermont Tonight,

"I witnessed a miracle.

"My Uncle Ed, who has been
unable to walk for 35 years,

"leapt out of bed,

"rushed across the room
and changed the channel.

"All in all,

"Vermont Tonight is like
a wheel of aged cheese.

"It stinks."

Not bad, huh?

- Oh, I'll have waffles
too, Stephanie.

- Sorry, the kitchen
closed two minutes ago.

- Then reopen it. I just got up.

d*ck was on TV last night

and I didn't get
to bed until after 1.

- I thought the older you
get, the less sleep you need.

- No, the older you get,
the more waffles you need.

Now get them.

- I think somebody in
this room needs a nap.

- Okay, but I'm going
to finish my waffles first.

Oh d*ck, I talked
to the mortuary.

You d*ed last Tuesday.

And they want the shoes back.

- Okay, now that you
both have had your fun,

you want to knock it off?

- Okay.

Were you really thinking
about Don Prince naked?

- Yes, George.
- I could tell!

- Here's your waffles.
- They're wet.

- Well, I had to wash
the coffee grounds off.

- I'll have eggs.
- So will I.

- Oh, get off this
power trip, Joanna.

- Oh hi, Joanna.

Good morning, d*ck, my boy.

Quite a show last night, huh?

How'd you sleep?

- Like this.

- I slept like a baby too.

The station switchboard
lit up like a Christmas tree.

Three calls.

I think we've got a solid hit.

- Yeah, well, I'll try to catch
the show again sometime.

- d*ck, when I came aboard,

I had you sign that
overall contract with me.

- So?

- Well, so I can use
you in any show I want,

and I want you on
Vermont Tonight

five nights a week.

Here's your production schedule.

- What a lucky break.

You get to be Don
Prince's permanent stooge.

Look Joanna, smoke
just sh*t out of his pants.

- Thank you, ladies.

That was the Sunshine Seniors

doing their dance
tribute to Metamucil.

Come on d*ck, snap
out. Wake up. Wake up.

Snap out of it, huh? Wake up.

- Huh?

- What is it with you,
huh? Don't you like girls?

- What?

- Well, how about if we
hired the Vienna Boys' Choir?

Then maybe we can
watch d*ck sit up straight.

- Sorry, Don. I've
been having trouble

sleeping these last...
last couple weeks.

- Yeah? Well, if those bags
under your eyes get any lower,

you're going to start
to look like your wife.

And by the way, I don't know

what all those merchant
marines see in her anyway.

- Oh no.

- That's right, d*ck,
it's that time again,

everybody's favorite
part of the show.

Time to pick on d*ck.

Pick on d*ck.

- I really hate this
part of the show.

- That's why we do it.

Paul, unleash them.

Pick on d*ck.

Pick on d*ck.

Pick on d*ck.

Right here.

- Hi Don, I'm Anette
Gordon and I love your show.

- Thank you, darling.

What do you want to say to d*ck?

- I have a question for him.

d*ck, is that your face

or is that a roadmap
with pants on?

- That was very good, darling.

What do we have for her, Paul?

- A Pick on d*ck T-shirt

and dinner for two at the
Drum and Musket on Route 14.

Pick on d*ck.

Pick on d*ck.

Oh, right here. Right here.

- Let's book the
Vienna Boys' Choir

and watch d*ck sit up straight.

- Bud, were your parents
brother and sister?

Nah, you're a good sport.

Paul, give him a T-shirt.

- There you go.

- We have time for one more.

- Pick on d*ck.

Pick on d*ck.

Pick on d*ck.

Pick on d*ck.

- Hi, my name is Bill.

I've got one.

A priest, a rabbi and
d*ck go into a bar.

d*ck's got a parrot
on his shoulder.

- Wait. Wait a minute.

I-I know that voice.

George, is that you?

- Hi, d*ck.

- He-He's my handyman.

- Handyman? I bet he is.

- I'll get it.

Stratford Inn.

Yes, we're right off Route 22.

Well, I don't know, how
many are in your fleet?

Hold on, and I'll check.

We don't rent rooms
by the hour, do we?

- Are those more
merchant marines?

- And his voice is shaky.

Either he's really
nervous or... ew!

- Go lift weights.

- Well, I guess you
want me to go shopping

after a dramatic
phone call like that.

- I wouldn't have
it any other way.

- That was easy.

I'll go change.

- Psst!

Is the coast clear?

- George, d*ck is
livid about last night.

How could you make
fun of him like that?

- I guess I didn't think.

I just wanted one of
those neat T-shirts so bad.

- Well, you can't hide
in that basement forever.

- I'll make it up to him.

I'll take him to a
complementary dinner for two

at the Drum and Musket.

Feel him out for me, Joanna.

I'll be sitting behind
the hot water heater.

- How now, d*ck's frau?

- Well, hi Michael.

We haven't seen much
of you around here lately.

- Yeah, I've been
doing some temp work

at a traveling carnival.

They're camped out
in the Sears parking lot.

I clean up after
Bip, the monkey boy.

- Well, that'll look
good on a resume.

- Where's George?
- You just missed him.

- I'm going to find
him and hurt him.

What do you want?

- Whoa, somebody got up
on the far side of the futon.

I just came by to blanket you

with a bunch of
belated bravissimos.

- For what?

- Your sudden
surge of celebrity.

Degrading you mercilessly
on the air five nights a week

was an obvious
programing brainstorm.

I could kick myself for
not kicking you sooner.

- Maybe you have some integrity.

- No, I don't think so.

- Michael, we're hoping the
show is just a flash in the pan.

- Are you kidding?
It's a bonanza, little Jo.

- Honey, why
don't you just quit?

- I can't quit. I
have a contract.

- Do what I did. Call
Gorski's daughter a tramp.

- Three, two...

- Live from Studio 2,
it's Vermont Tonight,

starring the
prince of late night,

the man you love to
have humiliate me...

the man who said
my idea of a good time

is sitting on the porch
watching my face break out...

Don Prince.

- Great intro, d*ck.

Next time try not to
spit all over the mic.

Say hello to d*ck Loudon.

Oh, look at that!
Dicky did a little trick.

That was cute, Dicky.

Here, good boy.
Good dog. Roll over.

Roll over. Bark. Bark.

Stay. Stay.

What a good dog!
What a good dog!

Ladies and gentlemen,

I've known my first
guest for over 20 years.

He's the king of commercials.

He's done so many,

it's hard to look at his face
and not run to the toilet.

Ladies and
gentlemen, Frank Tuttle.

Oh Frank, how are you?

Please.

This is a real star. Get
the hell out of that chair.

Get the hell out of that chair.

Come on, move.
Move. Sit here, Frank.

Oh boy, Frank Tuttle on my show.

What's a big fat star like
you doing in Vermont?

- I'm sh**ting a
movie down the street.

- Who cares? You
really annoy me, Frank.

Every time I turn on a TV, I
find your face staring at me.

I want you out of my living
room, you hear me, Frank?

Out of my living room.

Say hello to d*ck.

- Hello, d*ck.
- Hello, Frank.

- Very good, boys.

Now get undressed
and wrestle each other.

- That's funny.

How do you stand working
with this guy every night?

- They make me.

- Isn't that cute?

Dicky made a joke.

I guess he passed that stone.

Look, look at this;
he's getting red.

Is that a blood clot?

I'm sorry, Dicky's going to cry.

Is it time for Dicky to
change his Huggies?

- You're bald and fat.

- What?

- You're fat.

You're fat and... and bald.

- Why'd you say that for?
- I-I...

- d*ck, I've been
in this business

most of my life.

There were times
when I was flush

and times when I
needed a handout.

I've worked hard for every
little thing I've achieved,

and for you to just
put me down like that...

I don't understand it.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I can't do this anymore.

I really can't.

I'm sorry.

- All... all I... what...
what... what did I say?

- You sadistic motherless creep.

- Can I... can I come in?

Listen, about... About
what happened out there,

are you... are you all
right? Say something.

- Fat and bald?

I mean, d*ck, you
could have come up

with some better
material than that,

like "Is that your gut,

or are you smuggling
a bag of fertilizer?"

- Yeah, that
is... that is better.

Wh-What's going on?

- d*ck, you gave me
a great gift out there.

You emotionally destroyed me.

I'm a basket case.

If that don't get me out
of the Gorski contract,

nothing will.

- H-Hold on, you were
waiting for me to blow up at you

so you could get
out of your contract?

- It took you long
enough to cr*ck.

I thought two weeks ago
you'd go for my throat,

but you're so damn nice.

- Why... why did... why
didn't I pick up on this?

- Because you're an
idiot. How do I know?

Listen, d*ck, keep
this under wraps, huh?

But there's a new
interest over at CBS

about bringing back
It's Always Moishe,

and the old deli man could
use a real good stooge.

- Well, it-it's very tempting,
but I think I-I'll stay here

and spend the rest of
my life as a-a town joke.

- Whatever you say, d*ck.

I'm sorry I destroyed your
life, but hey, that's my act.

- Well, there's, you
know, no... no harm done.

- Well, you take care of
yourself, you hear me, okay?

- Listen, uh, if you don't mind,
I'm not a very physical person.

- Oh!

I understand, guy.

Oh, and one more thing.

- Yeah?

- Meow.
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