07x15 - One and a Half Million Dollar Man

[bunniefuu]

- Look d*ck, my business
cards finally came.

- You ordered
business cards, George?

- Ten thousand of them.

I wanted you and Joanna
to have the first two.

- George Utley.

No address? No phone number?

No occupation?

- What's the point?
Everybody in town knows

where I live and what I do.

- Well then, then, why do you
need a business card, George?

- It impresses the babes, d*ck.

- Hello, old man.
How have you been?

- Pretty... pretty
good, y-young man.

Wh... who... who are you?

- Why, I'm Scooter Drake.

- Who?

- Oh, Scooter Drake.

Stephanie and I met him at
a-a snobby party in New York.

Not-not-not that you
were that snobby.

- Really? I thought I
was perfectly snobby.

Sorry about that.

- Hi, I'm Joanna Loudon,
and that's George Utley.

- My card.

- George Utley! Well,
if I ever need one,

you can be found here?

- Yep.
- Lovely.

Stephy about?

- Stephy, Scooter's here.

Why do I feel like I'm
in an Archie comic?

- Scooter Drake, hi.

I thought I smelled old money.

- Try as I may, I can't rid
myself of that blasted smell.

I do hope it doesn't offend.

- Well, it was pretty
bad when you walked in,

but I-I can... can
hardly notice it now.

- So where's your darling
little girlfriend, Libby?

Oh, that's right, it's
spring, liposuction time.

- I'm afraid Libby's
left me for another.

- Another what?

- Another man, George.

- That's not what the
gossipmongers are saying.

- Well, what brings
you to Vermont?

- Well, since Libby left me,
I've been feeling a bit under,

so I thought I'd motor on up
here and do some shopping.

That often cheers me.

- Scooter, Vermont is
hardly the place to shop.

Unless you're interested
in maple candy,

I suggest you try Paris.

- Actually, I've had this urge to
buy a quaint New England inn.

- Then... then
don't go to Paris.

- What kind of inn are
you in the market for?

- Oh dear, is that something
I should have thought about?

- W-Well, it took us a
year to find the Stratford.

We did research,
talked to people,

drove all over.

- Well, I'd like to
have mine by nightfall.

- Joanna, you can
help Scooter find an inn.

I mean, aren't you, like, in
real estate or something?

- So you do pay attention
when I talk about my life.

- Sometimes I can't shut it out.

- If you're really
interested, I'd love to help.

We could go look at
my listings right now.

- Splendid.
- Good.

- Come on, Stephanie.

Why, if there's two I
like, you can flip the coin.

- Or you can buy both.

- My, you are a help.

- Boy, imagine buying an inn
to get over being depressed.

When I'm blue, I rent It's A
Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World.

- And that... and that
cheers you up, George?

- Yeah, for a while.

Then I think about all
the actors in the movie

who are dead,
and I get blue again.

- Hi.
- Oh, hi Michael.

- Shhh, I'm on the lam
from my ex-lambchop.

- It's okay, Michael.
She's in the dining room.

- Oh, all right, you
can say my name.

- I don't think I
need to anymore.

- How's the job hunting going?

- I've kind of decided
to keep my nose

out of other people's businesses
and start one of my own,

one that requires
minimal capital

and yet will enable
me to afford food again.

Watch.

- You're going to pull taffy?

- Michael, are you saying
you're going to be a mime?

- You know what they say.
Everybody loves a mime.

- No, everybody loves a clown.
People try to run over mimes.

- Well, nobody's going
to maim this mime.

- Michael, are you sure this
town is ready for a mime?

I don't think they've ever...
They've ever seen one before.

- That's right.

They might mistake
you for the village idiot.

He used to pull on
invisible taffy too.

- You know, Scooter,
we might have better luck

if we see some of
these inns in person.

- I agree. I always like
to caress the things I buy.

- Well, good.

I'll go call some of the inns
and tell them we're coming.

Maybe you can fondle
the Henderson place.

- You know, just the
thought of buying some place

is lifting my spirits.

- Well, the way I see it,

there are four
stages to breaking up.

First denial, then shopping...

then hating the other
person's guts so much

you would like to see them
fry in the flames of eternal hell...

then more shopping.

I'm at the third
stage with Michael.

Would you like some more coffee?

I mean, as grotesque
as it all is, I am the maid.

- You shouldn't feel grotesque.

My great-grandfather used to
say there's no shame in any job,

as long as you do it well.

It inspired the workers
in his sweatshops

to keep plugging away,

until they were old
enough to go to school.

- Sounds like he
was a great man.

- He was a monster actually,

but an absolute
delight at parties.

Listen, I've got an idea.

After I buy my inn,
why don't we go out

and celebrate our freedom
from Libby and Michael?

What's the best
restaurant in town?

- Maison Hubert, but...

I could never go
back there again.

That's where I had my last
horrible date with Michael

before he dumped me.

Did I mention that I'd
like to see him fry in hell?

- I believe you did but
you know the old saw,

"When you fall
off your polo pony,

remount and use the whip."

- You know what's
interesting about dust?

- It-It could be so many things.

- No matter how much you
clean, the stuff keeps coming back.

Has it occurred to you
that it's supposed to be here

and we're tampering
with God's plan?

- Who... who signs your
paychecks, him or me?

- Oh, how was inn shopping?

- Scooter didn't
like anything he saw.

- The inns we looked
at were all so... red.

- Well, couldn't you show him
something in a different color?

- Haven't either of you
ever heard of paint?

- That would be like buying
a sweater in the wrong color

and then dying it.

One certainly wouldn't do that.

- Joanna might.

- I wish you could find
me something like this.

- Well, the Stratford
is pretty run of the mill

compared to some of
the places I've shown you.

- I wouldn't call
it run of the mill.

Dusty maybe, but I
mean, that's God's doing.

- Everything here
is so perfect though,

the fixtures, the fireplace,

even Stephanie posing over
there looks absolutely perfect.

- You should see this place

when the morning
sun reflects off my hair.

People say it's breathtaking.

- I'll tell you
what, I'll give you

a million dollars for it.

- You want... You
want to buy the Stratford

f-for a million dollars?

- Oh, you've got the art of
haggling down to a science.

All right, a million
three, take it or raise it.

- Wh... uh, what?

- I left myself
open for that one.

All right, a million five.

- I know it's a lot of
money, but I-I'm not sure

I-I can bring myself
to just sell this place.

- If we did, we'd
be set for life!

And do you have any idea how
much my commission would be?

- Joanna, the... the seller
pays the commission.

You'd be paying yourself.

- Who cares?

The important
thing is it'll put me

in the million-dollar
club at the office.

I'll get a pin.

- Oh, well, let's
dump this place

if it... if it means
you're getting a pin.

- Hi, everybody.
- Oh, hi George.

Listen, we need your
advice on something.

Scooter has
offered to buy the inn

and we're trying to decide
whether or not to... to sell.

- Sell the Stratford? You can't.

The Stratford is
like a home to us.

- George, it... it
is a home to us.

- Well, my advice is don't sell.

- He's offered
us a million five.

- Then my advice is sell.

- You see, d*ck, George
thinks we should sell.

- George isn't everybody.

- I like to think I am.

Of course, it is ironic.

I live here my whole life

and the day I get my
business cards, we move.

- Jo-Joanna, why... why are
you so quick to unload this place?

I thought you... you
loved it as much as I do.

- I do.

We have seven years of
wonderful memories here,

but if somebody is crazy enough
to offer us that kind of money,

we ought to be crazy
enough to consider it.

- Hi, I'm Larry, this
is my brother Darryl,

and this is my
other brother Darryl.

- Hi, fellows.

- We heard there was
a Scooter Drake here.

We grew up with a Scooter
Drake and we was wondering

if it was one and the same.

- My guess would be no.

- Does this Scooter Drake
have a pineapple birthmark

on his right buttock?

- Pineapple, pineapple, no.

- Listen, fellows, d*ck
has a question for you.

- Uh-oh, Darryl, pop quiz.

- It's like this.

We've been offered a
million five for the inn.

- Dynamite!

- One of us feels that,
uh, we should take it.

One of us isn't so sure.

- Darryl wants to
know who the jerk is

who isn't so sure.

- I-I don't think any purpose
would be served by naming names.

- It's d*ck.

- You see, d*ck, the
fellows think we should sell.

Even they know a million
five is a lot of money.

- A million five? We thought
you said a million flies.

- Good evening, Hubert.

- Mademoiselle
Vanderkellen, I did not think

I would be seeing you again.

S this another loser toujours?

- Here you go, old French chap.

- That loser remark,
Mademoiselle and I,

we make with the petite ha-ha!

Follow me. Laisez vite.

For you, the finest
table in the house.

- Oh table, did you miss
me as much as I missed you?

- They say sometimes
late at night,

she cries out for you.

- Hubert, bring us a bottle
of Dom Perignon, please.

- But of course.

Henri, bouteille de Dom
Perignon, tout de suite.

- This is the way it
used to be with Michael,

people scurrying
at our commands.

How I miss the
simple pleasures of life.

- My apologies for the delay.

- Oh, seven seconds
isn't really long.

Now that you've
established a time,

you'll have something to b*at.

- Would you like to
see the menus now?

- Later, Henri.

- Bon!

A toast to Libby and Michael.

May they forever
be part of our pasts.

- Good riddance.

- What is that?

- I think it's a mime
screaming in the rain.

- Let's applaud.
Perhaps he'll go away.

- It worked.

- Well!

What have we here?

So you couldn't wait, could you?

- I thought mimes were
supposed to be fairly quiet.

- Run along now, you wet
white-faced street performer.

- I know what's going
on here, Cuppers.

I'm a mime, not
the village idiot.

- Michael.
- In black and white.

- This is Michael?

Well, he's not at
all as I'd pictured.

How do you do, young
mime? Scooter Drake.

- So, I see you found
yourself a new boyfriend,

and he's so cute.

- Why, thank you. So
sweet of you to notice.

- We're only having dinner.
Scooter and I are just friends.

- Oh, sure.

Stephanie and Scooter
sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

- I do not like mimes.

You people are the
reason I left France.

- I have as much right to
be here as anyone else.

Just because I have
no money in my hat

is no reason I should
be treated like garbage.

And you, you two were out
there watching me for 20 minutes

and you didn't give
me a damn nickel.

What? Because I'm a mime,

you thought I
wouldn't say anything?

- We thought you
were the village idiot.

- Well, could the
village idiot do this?

- Michael, stop it.

- I can't hear you, Stephanie.

Can't you see, I'm in a box?

- Michael, you're dripping
makeup on my purse.

- Oh, sorry, my
career is a little messy.

Not all of us have a job
where we get to wear...

Oh my God, is that
a 2,000-dollar suit?

- Well, not counting the
trips to Italy for the fittings.

- I want that suit.

- Michael.
- I want that suit.

I deserve it. I worked hard.

I did everything right.

And now, I'll never get
to have a suit like that.

Never.

Give it to me.

Give it to me.

You can have my leotard.

Just let me have the suit.

Dispose of this mime.

- You haven't seen the
last of Michael Harris.

I'll be back, not as a mime,
but as a human mannequin,

or as a dog-faced boy.

- How did everyone
enjoy the show?

- Well, I've called just
about everyone I know

an-and they think I should sell.

Well, I'm... I'm
not sure I want to.

A-A million five.

I-I have what for brains?

Well, if... if that's how
you feel, love... love to Dad.

Bye. Bye.

- What did your mom say?

- Uh, she's, uh,
she's on the fence.

- Oh, how was dinner
at Maison Hubert?

- Did... did she have the clams?

- Actually, we had a rather
unpleasant experience

with her estranged beau.

He's an extraordinary
mime visually,

don't get me wrong, but he...

Well, he tends to
undercut his performance

by crying and
screaming incessantly.

- That's... that's the
worst kind of mime.

- So any decision
about selling the inn?

- My... my answer is... is yes.

And no, not... not even my
mother has... has influenced me

in this decision whatsoever.

- Marvelous.

- Well, old man, I'll have
my people call your people.

- I-I-I don't... I don't
have any people.

- Why, I thought
everybody had people.

Oh well, with the
money you make,

you can buy some people.

- Scooter, it's for you.

Libby Heartcourt.

- How did that conniving
she-devil track me down?

- You know,
Joanna, it just hit me.

We're going to have money.
- I know.

If we want it, we can
afford a Volvo station wagon.

- A-And I won't have to buy
that... that Civil w*r chess set

one piece at a time.

Oh, what the heck! With a...

with a million
and a half dollars,

I can buy every pewter thing
the Franklin mint ever made.

- Well, must dash.
Libby wants me back

to wrap around her
little finger again.

Ah, the simple
pleasures of life.

Having a fair-haired
maiden by one's side

and 310 million
to roll around in.

- Don't you mean 308.5?

- You are still buying the inn?

- Well, I should think
not. The witch is back,

so the inn is out.

- Hi.

I'm Larry, this is
my brother Darryl...

Scooter Drake!
- Larry!

Darryl!

Darryl!

- Oh, d*ck, d*ck, d*ck, you
should have looked closer

at Scooter's right buttock.

What are you doing here?

I thought you'd be in Palm
Beach for the polo season.

- Normally I would,
but I had this urge

to buy a New England inn.

- Uh-oh, Darryl,
he's been shopping.

That can only mean
that you and Libby

have split up yet again.

- We've reconciled, dear Larry.

- I don't know what I'm
going to do with you two.

- Listen, why don't
the three of you

motor down with me to the city?

The crowd would
love to see you again.

- You know, we haven't
been to New York

since the opening of Phantom.

Come on, Darryl,
let's go choose to see

who gets to ride in the trunk.

- Than-thank you.

- Well, must scoot.
Hence the name.

Do give Steph a bye.

- Wait. How about...
how about a million three?

I'll even... I'll even
throw in the handyman.

He comes with his
own business cards.

- We just lost a million
and a half dollars.

- Yeah, but you know,
look at it this way.

You know, it's the
simple pleasures of life.

A fair-haired maiden
by your side and, uh...

a million flies
to roll around in.

- Meow.