07x16 - The Little Match Girl

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Newhart". Aired: October 25, 1982, - May 21, 1990.*
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d*ck Loudon and wife Joanna relocate from New York City to a small town in Vermont, where they run the historic Stafford Inn.
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07x16 - The Little Match Girl

Post by bunniefuu »

- Honey, h-how does this sound
for... for my next "how-to" book?

Turning That Old Newspaper
Rack Into a New Magazine Rack.

- Sounds more like
a how-to sentence.

- I-I-I don't know what's
wrong. I guess I'm how-to'd out.

- Well, maybe you should
take a few months off.

- Honey, I-I'm a writer.

I was born with a-a need
to ex-express my thoughts.

I mean, literature i-is the
legacy of my very soul.

- How about writing a novel?

- Too thick.

- Then start small.




Write a thin book.

How about a
how-to book for kids?

- You know, that's...
That's not a bad idea.

Listen to this.

Turning Dad's Old Newspaper Rack

Into a Neat Comic Book Rack.

- Well, maybe with some work.

- Hello, Stratford Inn.

Michael?

W-Where have you been all week?

We've been worried about you.

Very worried.

O-On a scale of one to ten?

A-a-a seven.




No, a seven is good.

M-Michael, wh-where are you?

Who are you visiting at
Ridge Valley Sanitarium?

Y-You're visiting you?

- Are you sure you
don't want some cake?

- George, it may be
cake to you, but to me,

it's a bulge looking
for a thigh to land on.

- O-Okay Michael, we'll
see you l-later this afternoon.

O-of course we missed you.

An eight.

See you later.

- Where is Michael?

Not that I give a flying fud.

- At the Ridge
Valley Sanitarium.

- Ridge Valley?

Oh, that's the "you
know what" farm.

- Gee, I've pushed a
man to the edge before,

but I've never chucked one over.

I didn't know I had
the power to turn a man

into a raving lunatic.

- Oh, I'm sure he's
not a raving lunatic.

Is he, d*ck?

- On a scale of one to ten?

♪ It's perfect For a
fly in honeymoon ♪

♪ They say come fly with me ♪

♪ Come fly with me ♪

♪ Come on fly fly
fly Pack up let's go ♪

- Michael, are you okay?

- You'd be hard pressed to
find any fiddles fitter than I.

Why, why do you ask?

- No reason, just
kind of a wacky thing

to ask somebody
in the sanitarium.

- Last we heard, you
were doing street mime.

- Well, JoJo, there was
this small disturbance

in a restaurant.

Apparently some people
get a tiny bit nervous

around mimes who
scream like banshees.

- Go figure.

- Anyway, I guess
it hit me all once.

I lost my job, my credit,

and the repo squad
took everything

from A to turbo Z.

So when I hit Chapter
11, I went Section 8.

- How long do you
have to stay here?

- Well, the authorities
gave me a choice:

14 days either in the lockup

or under psychiatric
observation.

Since I'm not wild about
having a boyfriend named Turk

for two weeks,

I checked in to
Casa de Crackers.

- Oh Michael, you
should have come to us.

- Thanks for the TLC, JL, but
to be honest, I dig these digs.

I get three squares a
day, I'm responsibility free,

and every once in a while,

that guy over there
who thinks he's Sinatra

gets this blonde nurse to
put these go-go boots on

and sing something
stupid with him.

- Is she working today?

- Michael, you know Stephanie
thinks that she's responsible

for your new digs.

- She's wrong.

The scars are healing
from my Stephectomy.

But enough about me.
Let me show you around.

Ridge Valley isn't much,
but I call it "the home."

- Got a smoke?

- S-Sorry, I don't.

- d*ck Loudon?

- Corrine Denby?

- I gave up
cigarettes, you know.

- Y-You just... you just
asked me f-for a smoke.

- It was a joke.

- And a good one.

- What are you doing here?

- I'm v-visiting my
f-friend, M-Michael.

- The mime?

- So how... how are you?

- I'm in a sanitarium, d*ck.

I'm peachy keen.

- So what... what...
what are you going to do?

Just kind of take it...
take it easy for a while?

- After I illustrated that
how-to book of yours,

I gave up technical art.

I wanted to create with
my soul instead of a ruler,

show the world
my sensitive side.

- Time for your pill.
- Oh, back off, cookie.

Can't you see I've got company?

But, you know, then
the rejection started

and I took it bad.

It eventually just all got to
me and I... I went psycho.

So I checked into here.

- How... how long
have you been here?

- A year and a half.

So what are you up to?

- I'm going to write a... going
to write a how-to book for kids.

- You got an illustrator?

- Well...

- Because if you don't,
you could sponsor me to do,

you know, a couple of pictures.

Maybe some of those
furry things that kids like,

the kind that go thunk when
you hit them with your car.

- I-I'm not... I'm not
sure that's a good idea.

- Look, you just tell
them, the white coats,

say that I'm working with
you on a special project.

It would be like therapy for me.

- Well, you know, maybe,
when the time comes.

- Oh, thanks, d*ck.

You have really
boosted my spirits.

- Well, take...
take... take care.

- Yeah, thanks.

- d*ck, you already
missed half the tour.

Tell him who he missed, Joanna.

- Mark Twain.

He's rehearsing his one-man
tribute to Hal Holbrook.

- Guess... guess who I ran into?

Corrine Denby.

- That's who that was.

- Okay d*ck, listen, slap your
John Hancock on this baby,

and we're Gone with the Wind.

- Honey, I had a thought.

Instead of writing a
whole new book for kids,

I-I'll adapt one that
I've already written.

Remember Installation and Care

of Your Low Maintenance
Lawn Sprinkler?

- That'll be a big
request at story hour.

d*ck, why did you have
to bring Corrine here?

The woman has problems.

- What... what are
you talking about?

- Oh, I don't know.

Maybe that loud
anguished wailing

that came from
her room all night.

- J-Joanna, just... just
because we don't wail

doesn't mean we... we should
condemn someone who wails.

B-Besides, i-it kind of
blotted out the sound of fists

banging against the wall.

- d*ck, that was the sound
of forehead meeting plaster.

- George, does... does having
Corrine around bother you?

- Not at all.

Except for the wailing
and the pounding,

I wouldn't even
know she was here.

- d*ck? Listen, it's still a
little rough around the edges

but give me your honest opinion.

- Oh... oh wow, that... that
that is some sprinkler head.

And it-it-it looks great
right next to that giant daisy.

- No, that's not a daisy, d*ck.

That's Wesley Weasel.

- Do you... do you
have anything else?

- Let up, d*ck.

I'll do more just as soon as I
get rid of this damn headache.

- d*ck, that picture
was horrible.

- Y-You're right.

I-I mean, I can't let her
ruin a potentially great book.

I'll just have to
gently tell her

that I-I can't use her.

- At ease, Loudons.

- Hello, Officer Shifflett.
Official business?

- Just passing by.

Got to check your building
for fire code violations.

- Why?

- Word on the street
is you're housing

one Corrine Denby.

Your classic textbook firebug.

- Firebug?

- It seems the sulfur
scratcher in question

was released into your custody

at approximately 1100
hours yesterday morning.

- Well, she... she may
be a-a little high strung,

but she's not a firebug.

- For the record,

it seems Ms. Zippo
got a few rejection slips

and took a flying
leap off the deep end

towards Torone Studio.

- Oh my gosh.

- I'm sure she's... you
know, she's fine now.

She's been in the sanitarium
for a-a year and a half.

- Sing me another one.

My brother's been in for years

and he still thinks
he's Sinatra.

- Can we get her to
check out of here?

- I think Barbara Butane
checked out a long time ago.

We're all adults here.
Let's use big people talk.

Rubbing this chick the wrong way

is like putting nitro
in a baby's rattle.

Kaboom.

- What do you
think of my latest?

- Well,
there-there-there's Wesley.

I-I don't mean to be picky,

but we seem to be
missing Wesley's head.

- Are all the animals
supposed to have heads?

- Excuse me.

I know you Ridge Valley
people range from a little off

to King of Banana Land.

But I was just wondering

if you were anywhere near
the same degree of craziness

as my ex-boyfriend.

- That would be the mime.

- You see, d*ck and
Joanna won't tell me the truth.

How is he?

Does he cry out the name
"Stephanie" in his sleep?

- No.

- Cupcake?

- No.

- Cuppers?

Lambchop?

Wonder Wench?

Dreamsicle?

Mommy?

- Stephanie, why don't we
leave d*ck and Corrine alone

so they can talk?

- Corrine, can I... can I...
can I be honest with you?

- Well, of course, d*ck.

You're my friend.

I trust you more than
anybody else in the world.

After all, you gave me hope.

- Well, you know, I know... I know
you've had a couple rejections.

- Forty-one.

- Huh?

- Forty-one of those
stinking little sheets of paper.

I'm sorry, d*ck.

- Any eights?

- Go fish.

- You know, Terry, I was
noticing all the queens

have little holes where
their eyes should be.

- Yeah? So?

- Well, isn't that
a little... oddball?

- Is it oddball that all four
queens kept staring at me?

Like they were better than me?

They needed to be
taught a lesson, Michael.

- You bet.

- Any sixes?

- This is my first
sanitarium gig.

- How about you?
- Same here.

I was just your average
Joe until she came along.

- You're in here
because of a woman?

Carbon copies-ville.

- She was so beautiful.

We fell in love, went
out for a while, broke up.

- Ditto on that data.

- I didn't take it very well.

- I'm here, buddy.

- Locked her in
the trunk of her car.

Drove to the pier.

Got off on a technicality.

I'll bet you've heard
this story a million times.

- Yeah, if I had a nickel.

- Hello, Michael.
- Stephanie.

- Michael, is that the
girl you broke up with?

So basically,
she's up for grabs?

Keep her busy, I'll
be back in a minute.

- Oh Michael, what
have I done to you?

- I did this to
myself, ex-cupcake.

- Is it because you saw me
having dinner with another man?

- Well, that was
just part of it.

I guess I just, I
needed a good rest.

- Did you have to rest here?

Most of the people I
know rest in Barbados.

- Steph, I'm happy here.

- Happy?

You're wearing paper slippers.

- I'm through crying.

All the tears have been
sucked from my ducts.

- Well, aren't you
a pretty little thing.

Stephanie, is it?

You know when my
life began, Stephanie?

The moment we met.

I looked at you and
felt myself come alive.

Everything about you,
the way you look at me,

staring at me, like
you're better than me,

like you need to
be taught a lesson.

- Whoa, four o'clock,
visiting hours are over.

- Oh my queen, the
plans I've made for us.

The thrills in store.

- But, I don't even know you.

- So that's how it is?

I see.

Tell me, darling.

What kind of car do you drive?

- What?

- Got a lot of trunk space?

- She doesn't have a car.

She rides a bicycle everywhere.

- Does it have a basket?

- She has to go now.

- You know, my dove, I
could escort you home

if you just sign a
little paper for me.

- I don't think so.

- Well, it was worth a try.

Last week, some
bonehead sprung a firebug.

- Bye, Michael.

I'll come back
and visit you again.

- Oh, I wish you wouldn't.
It's too difficult for me.

And him.

- It was a pleasure, Stephanie.

I'm sure we'll meet again.

- Oh, I doubt it.

And my name isn't
really Stephanie.

It's Joanna.

Joanna Loudon, and
I'm taller than this.

- You have lovely hair, Joanna.

My last girlfriend
had hair just like that.

See?

- Eww!

- Standing guard, George?

- I want to make sure this
fire stays in the fireplace,

if you know what I mean.

- Cranked out
another batch, d*ck.

- Oh, boy.

- Say hello to Juanita Weasel.

- I-I-I don't remember
W-Wesley having a girlfriend.

- That's for our next book.

- What... what...
what next book?

- I've got enough ideas floating
around up here for 20 books.

You and I are going to
make one hell of a team.

So what do you think?

- It's, uh, it's-it's-it's nice.

- Do you really like it?

- A-Actually, no.
- What?

- I-I don't mean this
in-in-in a bad way,

but there was better stuff

hanging in the trauma
section at Ridge Valley.

I-I thought... I thought
you didn't smoke.

- I don't.

This is my "God don't
let me snap now" pack.

What do you think, sweater girl?

- I like it.

- What?

- Well, it has, uh,
a few problems.

- I see.

What do you think of
my work, tool jockey?

- I'm scared, d*ck.

- Steady, George. Steady.

- Well?

- I... can't... talk.

- Well, you don't have
to hit me over the head.

I mean, I've been on this
side of rejection before.

- Hail Mary full of grace,
the Lord is with thee.

- Oh, so what? I
can deal with it.

If it wasn't for
all that sunshine

that you blew up
my hospital gown,

I would have gone
back to technical drawing

where I belong.

- Well, I'm glad you're finally
being honest with yourself.

- As long as I'm being
honest, I think your book bites it.

- What... what's
wrong with my book?

- "Wesley's eyes grew wide

"at the low voltage
shock he received

"from not properly grounding

the AKV electronic
timing system."

Boy, d*ck.

- There's a problem with that?

G-George, you... you
liked it, d-didn't you?

- Don't ask me, I've
got problems of my own.

I promised God that if
I weren't b*rned alive,

I'd become a priest.

- George, I'm sure he'll
understand if you renege.

- Y-You're both crazy.
The... the kids will eat this up.

- Gee, you sure don't take
rejection very well, d*ck.

- This is really good stuff.

"Phew, Wendell,

"we just installed the
entire Aqua Wizard P246

"a*t*matic sprinkling system
with the AKV thermal regulator,

and it meets all state and
local safety specifications."

Ah!

- Meow!
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