07x17 - Buy, Buy Blues

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Newhart". Aired: October 25, 1982, - May 21, 1990.*
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d*ck Loudon and wife Joanna relocate from New York City to a small town in Vermont, where they run the historic Stafford Inn.
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07x17 - Buy, Buy Blues

Post by bunniefuu »

- Heads up, last
of the sweaters.

- What's going on here?

- Stephanie is throwing out

every stitch of
clothing she owns.

- Ask a stupid question.

- I'm getting rid of everything
that reminds me of Michael.

If he can make a
fresh start, so can I.

- Stephanie, Michael's
in a sanitarium.

He's not making a fresh start.

He's making
ashtrays out of clay.

- You're throwing this
out? It's a Jianita Bruccizi.

- I was wearing
it the first night

Michael told me he loved me.

It must be destroyed.

- I'm supposed to
take all these clothes

to the town dump
and watch them burn.

- And what else, George?

- Oh, right. I have to
dance naked around the fire.

Maybe I'll wait until after dark

and bring a date,

make a night of it. You
guys want to double?

- Gee, we... we just
danced naked last night.

- Next time, give
us some notice.

- Hey, that's my sweater.

- I know, and it's got to go.

Michael and I
used to laugh at you

every time you wore it.

He always said it made you
look like a human tootsie roll.

- You went into my closet?

- Of course not.

It was lying on your bed.

You really should learn to
hang your clothes up, d*ck.

- Only way to keep
them from being torched.

- I don't care what
she says, George.

You're not burning anything.
These are good clothes.

Just take them all to Goodwill.

- What if Stephanie finds out?

- So?

- Joanna, you forget,
she knows where I live.

- d*ck and I will see that
no harm comes to you.

Right, honey?
- This is a great sweater.

They don't make buttons
out of shells anymore.

- Okay Joanna, let's shop.

Daddy wired me a
boatload of money.

- It's Sunday,
everything's closed.

- Not Peck's department store.

Mr. Peck was in Rome having
a private thing with the pope

and Daddy made him fly
back to open the store for me.

- Mr. Peck gave up an
audience with the pope

just so you could shop?

- Well, the pope
will forgive him.

It's his job or something.

Wasn't that sweater
tagged for burning?

- I'm keeping it. This
is a great sweater.

- Fine, so what if it
reminds me of Michael?

Keep it. Sleep with it.
Marry it. See if I care.

But be forewarned, I
know where you live.

- Dump it, honey.

It does sort of make
you look like a tootsie roll.

- d*ck, what's going to happen

when we start
reminding her of Michael?

- Beards, George.
We grow beards.

- Michael, you're
pretty chipper today.

- I have you to thank
for it, Dr. Kaiser.

Two weeks ago, I
was a babbling blankoid

with a birth in the bughouse.

- And now?

- I'm at peace with myself.

These are my people.
They really like me.

I found a home here.

- Hey Mikey, big ping
pong game tomorrow.

You want to be my partner?

- Sure, who are we playing?

- Joey and Martina.

- Who's Martina?

- Joey's other personality.

He's got a wicked backhand.

- Well, he sounds
like a tough team,

but remember, we've got
that two-body advantage.

- Michael, you're being
released tomorrow.

Your two-week
evaluation is over.

- Oh.

Sorry, Charley, I guess
we'll have to strike that match.

- All right, but
you tell Martina.

Those steroids make her mean.

- Dr. Kaiser, I can't leave.
I had a mental meltdown.

My synapses crackled and popped.

- Michael, you had an
extreme anxiety att*ck.

But over the past few weeks,

I've watched you grow
stronger every day.

You're becoming the kind
of man I like and respect.

I think it's time to
face life out there.

- Well, can't I face life
out there from in here?

Besides, I can't go.

I still have two
ashtrays in the kiln.

- Michael, this is not
junior achievement.

There are people who
really need to be in here,

like Joey and
Martina, to name one.

- Well, I suppose
I could give it a try.

- See? You're sounding
more confident already.

- I mean, what's the worst
thing that could happen?

If I scatter my marbles again,

I can make a beeline
back here, right?

- Game's off. Joey
and Martina eloped.

- I used to have a silk
blouse just like that.

Of course, mine didn't gape.

For what you paid for it,

the buttons really
shouldn't strain like that.

- I know it's a little
snug, but it was cheap.

I bought this at
Goodwill for 15 dollars.

- American dollars?

What? It's a 100 percent
silk. Mine cost a fortune.

- I guess some of us
just know how to shop.

- What's Goodwill?

- Something you have toward men.

- No, not that
good will, the store.

She bought that silk
blouse there for peanuts.

- Well, Goodwill
is this wonderful

charitable organization that
sells secondhand clothes.

- You mean, someone
would actually pay

to wear other
people's filthy clothes?

Ew.

- Well, I'm sure they... they
wash them before they sell them.

I mean, don't they?

- I don't think so.

- Ew.

- By the way, d*ck, I'll be
needing some more cash.

- I just gave you a
month's advance.

- Okay, give me a raise.

- You don't deserve a raise.

- That's not the point, d*ck.

The point is, I need
more money to shop.

- Stephanie, I think you've
bought enough clothes

for a while.

- Oh Joanna, sometimes I
wish I could be more like you.

It doesn't bother you at all

to wear the same clothes
over and over and over again

until they almost
fall off your back.

- I don't care how
much you give her,

just get her out of here.

- Fine, just one more advance.

- Thanks.

I-I don't need food.

A fast will do me good.

- Yeah, I was going to
mention that weight gain

but I didn't think
it was my place.

- It isn't.

- Don't ever wear that
blouse in this town again.

- Wow, another ashtray.

Thanks, Charley.

I've been looking for a
reason to start smoking.

- A toast to Michael and
his life on the outside.

- To Michael.
- Michael!

- Michael!

- Speech! Speech! Speech!

Come on, Mike!

- Thank you. Thank you, folks.

You know, filming Oceans
11 was a swinging party for me.

I want to thank Sammy, Vino.

- I think they want
me to speak, Mike.

- Damn.

- You know, when I first
arrived here at Ridge Valley

two weeks ago, I was
a broken shell of a man,

but each one of you welcomed
me in your own special way.

I haven't been close to
many people in my life,

but you've all shown me
such warmth and affection

that I'll always cherish...

- Hey, everybody, Geraldo' s on!

- Hello, Michael.
- Dr. Kaiser.

Well, as you can see,

the g*ng threw a bit of
a bye-bye bash for me.

Can I get you
something? Some punch?

A placebo?

Some ashtrays?

- Maybe later.

I stopped by to have a
little talk with you, Michael,

before you're discharged.

- No need to drop more quarters
in my confidence meter, Dr. K.

With your guidance, this guy's
geared to get up and get out.

- Michael, tomorrow I want
you to give Dr. Lyons a call.

He's a wonderful therapist,
a good friend of mine.

- But what do I need him for?

You're my doctor.

- I'm afraid I have to
withdraw from your case.

- Oh what, now that I'm
a looney, I'm a loose?

You're throwing me to the lions?

- It's not like that
at all, Michael.

You see, I've been having
these feelings for you,

feelings that a doctor

should not be
having for her patient.

- You mean, you don't like me?

- Quite the opposite.

- You mean, I don't like you?

- Michael, I'm attracted to you.

- Huh?

- Isn't it ridiculous?

I know it sounds crazy.

I usually fall for
professional men,

men with careers and futures.

But there's something, I
don't know, erotic about you.

- Did you say
erotic or neurotic?

- Oh, what difference
does it make?

I can't see you
anymore. It's just not right.

Good luck, Michael.

I'm sure you'll be
just fine out there.

- d*ck, Joanna, notice
anything different about me?

- You switched heads with
a guy in a peach jumpsuit?

- No, Stephanie
bought this for me.

She said it screamed George.

- It's screaming
something else to me.

- He wouldn't get
rid of the stupid hat.

- Well, I needed something
macho to offset the shoulder pads.

- Good choice.

- You're buying
things for George now?

- I found out that shopping
is just as much fun

for other people as for myself.

It gives me the same rush.

- George, you... you look
like... like an astronaut.

- That's exactly what
the salesman said,

only he didn't say "tronaut."

- Excuse me.

Aren't you Chuck Yeager?

- Chuck... Chuck
doesn't wear peach.

- You know, it's a pity so
few men are secure enough

in their masculinity that
they can wear pastels.

My ex-husband
used to dress like him.

- Where did you
get that sweater?

- Goodwill.

- Again, Goodwill.
Okay, how much?

- Eight dollars.

- No way, you lie.

- It's true.

They even threw in
these Italian boots.

- How can they
afford to do that?

- Well, they said
some older gentleman

dropped off box after box...

- You know, I may
not be Chuck Yeager,

but there was a time when
I bucked the speed limit.

You want to hear
about it over lunch?

- Sure.

- Want to see what I got?

Oh, I don't remember
buying this, but I'm glad I did.

It matches the
one I got yesterday.

- Well, you know what they
say, you can't have too many...

What the hell is that?

- A mink muff, you
wear it ice skating.

- This is April,
Stephanie. There's no ice.

- Then I'll wear
it roller skating.

- You know, Stephanie,

we're starting to
get a little worried.

I mean, you have always
been quite a shopper,

but lately it's like you're
on a shopping rampage.

Every time we see you,

you're coming in loaded
down with shopping bags.

Well, thanks for your concern,

but I've already
recognized the problem

and I've decided to
do something about it.

- Oh, good for you.

- From now on, I'm
having everything delivered.

- Well, now with that
major problem taken care of,

we can concentrate on
this little shopping addiction.

- I think you're
both overreacting.

- Stephanie Vanderkellen?

- Yes?
- Okay.

This is the place, Humphrey.

Where do you want your aquarium?

- I bought an aquarium?

- Yep, and 20 pairs of
Siamese fighting fish.

- Come in.

- Dr. Kaiser, thanks
for squeezing me in.

I really need your help.

- Well, you sounded so
distraught on the phone

that I canceled my group
with the severely depressed.

What's the problem?

- I shop too much.

- And those people have
the nerve to complain

just because they
have no reason to live.

- Dr. Kaiser, I'm so scared.

One minute, I was in a taxi

on my way to Peck's
department store

and the next thing I knew,

I was in that
tacky factory outlet

between the green
stamp redemption center

and that bail bond place.

- You blacked out?

- But that's not the scary part.

When I came to, I was
fighting off two chubbos

for a pair of
polyester capri pants.

- Oh, there, there,
there. Now, just relax.

Now tell me, when did you first
become aware of this problem?

- Well, I used to be
just a social shopper,

two, three outfits a week,

and then my boyfriend dumped me.

Suddenly, two or three outfits
weren't enough to satisfy me.

I needed it more and more.

The urge to purchase
was overpowering.

It began to control me.

It became more
important than my work.

Well, actually, anything's
more important than my work.

You know, it's funny.

When you buy one blouse,
nobody really pays any attention.

You're invisible.

But when you walk up
to a salesclerk and say,

"I'll take 25 blouses,"
let me tell you,

they look at you in wonderment.

Like you are somebody.

And at that very moment,
you are on top of the world.

There is no higher high.

I mean, you feel like
you are Robin Givens.

And then, the next morning,
reality slaps you in the face.

You wake up alone,

surrounded by crumpled
tissue paper and straight pins,

and God, you wonder if you
can make it through the day.

And then you see those
empty shopping bags

and you know you
won't be complete

until you see them filled again.

And there you are,
back on the street again,

headed for the mall.

- Well, it seems to me that
all this mindless accumulation

is simply a substitute for
the love you're missing.

What is this?

- A cordless power
drill. It's mine, put it back.

- Sorry.

Look, I know you feel powerless,
even though you own a drill,

but you have to learn to
overcome this obsession.

You have to try to
control this dependency.

- I used to have a
sweater just like that.

- Oh, it's a Jianita Bruccizi.

I just picked it up for
four dollars at Goodwill.

- Four stinking dollars?

Of course, it's been on
someone else's disgusting body.

I was wearing mine the
night he told me he loved me.

- I think we have
to end this session.

- I don't think I'm cured yet.

- Look, I've got problems
of my own, okay?

You see, I've been treating
Michael at Ridge Valley

for the past two weeks.

- Oh.

- He's the reason I
can't be your therapist.

- You're choosing Michael
as a patient over me?

Why? Because he's more neurotic?

- No, because he's more erotic.

- Did you say erotic or erratic?

- Erotic.

I kissed him, okay?

- You what?

- I kissed him!

I kissed him! I kissed him!

There, I feel
better for saying it,

and I hope you're not too upset.

- Why should I be
upset, Dr. Tramp?

- He didn't give me a
chance to be a tramp.

- What is that supposed to mean?

- Well, to put it in his
words, I don't peter his o'tool.

- Well, I'm not surprised.

He never was
attracted to thick ankles.

- It had nothing to
do with my ankles.

Obviously he's just not
used to a woman with a mind.

- You can't talk
to me like that.

- I most certainly can.

I'm not charging
you for this session.

- Well, good because
I don't need your help.

I can lick this shopping
thing on my own.

Here.

- What is that?

- It's my Peck's charge card.

Go and buy yourself
some new clothes.

Maybe you can give that
sweater back to the poor slob

who was stupid enough to
throw it away in the first place.

- Joanna Loudon?

- Where's your jumpsuit, George?

- Oh, I put it away.

It was too radical
for this town.

- What do you mean?

- There's just so many
times you can hear,

"Hey peaches,
where's your cream?"

"Hey peaches, nice cobbler,"

and "Hey George,
how's it going?"

That last one didn't bother
me as much as the others.

- Well, I guess, you know,

they feel less threatened
by you and your overalls.

- d*ck, am I too
hip for this berg?

- Yes, George.

- Thought so.

Maybe I'll hang
on to my jumpsuits.

Who knows, one day I
may get to Montpellier.

- Good idea. It's
a... it's a peach town.

- Stephanie, whatever
those are, return them.

There's no more room at the inn.

- It's all right, Joanna.
These are from Goodwill.

From now on, I'll be doing
all my shopping there.

- Really?

- And look at this great
dress I got for only ten dollars.

It's just like my old one.

- And it... it won't
remind you of Michael?

- Michael who?

Boy, I wish I hadn't
b*rned all my clothes.

- How long can we
keep this from her?

- Oh, by the way, d*ck.

They had this sweater
there exactly like yours,

right down to the dry cleaning
tag with your name on it.

- I... I think we
can tell her now.

- Meow.
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