- Honey, do...
do I look all right?
- Well, I married you, didn't I?
- No, no. I-I mean...
I mean the suit.
I-If you spent the last 35
years in a Soviet labor camp,
would you feel comfortable
being interviewed by
a guy dressed like this?
- I don't think I'd
wear a tie that red.
- Good... good point.
Maybe I-I'll wear the blue
one with the... the little ducks.
- Yeah.
- Live, in color and
booted from the bonkers bin
for a second s*ab at sanity,
it's Michael "Not
so Nutso" Harris.
- When were you
released from Ridge Valley?
- A couple of days
ago, or maybe a week.
I've been so busy
relishing life on the outside,
I've lost all track of time.
- Michael, you were... you
were only inside for two weeks.
- Astounding, isn't it?
I mean, when you see
how much I've changed.
- It-It's almost scary.
- You see, I learned
that even though I lost
my jobs, my confidence, my girl,
and for a short period of
time, my ability to distinguish
between my mother
and Esther Rolle,
I still have me, myself and I.
Nothing else matters.
- What... what about
making a living?
- Dickster, things take
care of themselves.
The point is it's spring.
The crocuses are blooming;
the bees are buzzing.
Come on, you two, walk
with me, talk with me.
It's sunny, let's share.
- Michael.
- Hi, Steph.
- I heard you were
out. How are you?
- Never better in my whole life.
- Then why are you staring?
Is it some kind of brain thing?
Or is it these pants
with this sweater?
- Neither. I just never realized
how beautiful you were.
- You didn't?
- Well, I'm talking
about inner beauty,
the kind you find in a
wise old woman's wrinkles
or in a baby bird,
sucking up a worm.
- Oh, poor Michael.
They did experiments on you.
It's so nice to see
what's left of you.
- Hi. I'm Larry, this
is my brother Darryl
and this is my
other brother Darryl.
- Hi, fellows. What
can we do for you?
- We just dropped
by to wish d*ck luck
on his live via
satellite interview
with prisoner of
conscience Andre Zalmanoff.
- Well, thanks. Thanks, guys.
- We've often wondered
how Darryl would
hold up under t*rture,
which is why we practice
hanging him from the
rafters by his thumbs
while making him watch
Darryl's interpretive dance
to Stravinsky's Rite of Spring.
- Hey, Lar and Darryl dittoed,
I was about to take a
walk and nose the posies.
Care to make it a foursome?
- We'll pass.
We don't stick our
noses up anything
that won't sniff back at us.
Come on, Darryl.
- What do you mean,
there's no picture?
- It still looks like
a catastrophe.
At least we're not
the one on camera
dying in front of
thousands of viewers.
Oh, hi, d*ck. Have a nice show.
- Is... is there a problem?
- The feed's not working.
It's either the
satellite or the dish.
- You're kidding.
- Yeah, it's a
big fat joke, d*ck.
That's why I got sweat
stains the size of pies
under my armpits.
- Uh oh, I wonder if
my homing pigeons
chewed through the
transmitter wires again.
- What?
- You... you keep
pigeons on the roof?
- Yeah, I tried keeping
them in the men's room
but they kept
flying into the mirror.
- Don't just stand there.
Round up some cats.
- Well, I don't know if
that's such a good idea.
They might scare my birds.
- That's the idea, Bud.
- Right. I'll take
care of it, Paulie.
I'll take care of it.
- D-Does this mean we won't
get the... the Zalmanoff feed
from Vienna on...
on the monitor?
- Guess not.
- Look d*ck, a birdie.
- M-Michael, throw
it i-in the men's room.
I-I'm going on the
air i-in two minutes
in front of thousands of people
and all I have to show
them is a... is a duck tie.
- See, birdie? Duckies.
- Michael, didn't they just let
you out of an insane asylum?
- Well, actually it
was a sanitarium.
- But it was a humiliating
experience, right?
- Well, not really,
except for when it was my
turn to play hide the capsule.
- Well, d*ck, everything's
going to be fine.
We've got Michael.
- For... for what?
- For the show.
- Gee, I don't know.
It was embarrassing enough
doing it in front of a nurse.
- No, no, not that.
You were incarcerated,
just like Zalmanoff.
Sanitarium, gulag,
what's the diff?
- Look, forget it, I'm not
going to interview Michael.
Repeat... repeat
one of my shows.
- d*ck, we'd have to
tape them to repeat them.
- You don't tape my shows?
In five, four...
- d*ck, we won't let you down.
- Give me this thing.
There's a story here, d*ck.
Dig for it.
And now, it's Vermont Today,
starring d*ck Loudon.
- I, uh... I-I know you were
all expecting Andre Zalmanoff
in his first interview after
35 years in a Soviet prison,
but due to
tech-technical problems
that are really too
intricate to discuss...
- d*ck, I'll put
the little fellows
in your dressing room.
- In-Instead, we have another
guest in h-his first interview
after 14 grueling days
and nights in a-a sanitarium,
former WPIV producer
Michael Harris.
- Thank you. Thank you, d*ck.
I'm, uh, I'm
grateful to be here.
- Well, who... who wouldn't
be after... after that nightmare?
- Actually it
wasn't a nightmare,
although I did grow to
be quite the sofa spud.
- But after losing your job,
your money, your self-respect,
it must have been
i-impossible to go on.
- Oh, why dwell on the past?
I let things get to me,
but I'm back on my rocker
now, and... and why?
Because I live in the moment.
- Well, I'm tickled
to hear that.
- What did you say? I
was looking at my foot.
d*ck, have you ever
really looked at your foot?
- Not, you know, a-avidly.
- Well, then join me, d*ck.
Come on, dig those dogs.
- Why, uh, why don't... why
don't we go to the phones
in case any of
you still out there
has... has something
t-to say to Michael Harris.
Hello, you're on the
air with Michael Harris.
Michael, you're
such a sensitive soul.
I just know it was a woman
who drove you over the edge.
Was it that Stephanie
Vanderkellen?
The whole town
thinks she's a cold fish.
- Darling, bad things happen,
but why hold on to them?
Why not let it go,
forget about it?
You see what I'm
saying? Try smiling.
I'll do that.
And by the way,
your feet are lovely.
- Thank you.
Now isn't that better
than listening to some rusky
complain for half an hour?
- You're on the air
with Michael Harris.
Michael, those were
wonderful words to live by.
- What... what words were those?
You know, "Let it go,
forget about it, try smiling."
- All right. Well, I'm just
glad they worked for you.
By the way, do you like my feet?
Oh, well, yeah, I love them.
- God bless.
Hi, you're on the air with me.
- Before you say anything
about the show, don't.
- Fine.
Anyway, I can't talk and
laugh at the same time.
- I guess you misunderstood
my verbal thr*at.
- Hi, d*ck.
Gee, I really liked
today's guest.
- Shut up, George.
- I never realized
Michael was so deep,
but I guess that's
because he's suffered so.
- Don't verbal threats
mean anything anymore?
- Hi, George, JoJo.
- Hi, Michael.
- d*ck, you took off
before all the excitement.
Even after the show was
over, the phones kept ringing.
Everybody wanted my advice.
Strange, I never realized
I could have such
an effect on people.
- Maybe they liked your feet.
- Michael, could I
ask you a question?
- sh**t, G-man.
- I know you said
to forget about it,
let it go and try smiling,
but I have this problem.
I tried to forget about
it, but I just can't.
Can I let it go first?
That might make
the forgetting easier.
- Gee, I don't see why not.
- Is it better to smile while
I'm letting it go or after?
- Well, whatever you
find works for you.
- What a philosophy.
If you taught this to the
world, there'd be peace.
- He's lost his mind.
- Good detective work, mayor.
The male Caucasian in
question is on the premises.
- All I said was Michael
was probably at d*ck's.
- Hello, officer,
and a gentleman.
- You know, we often
watch d*ck's show,
but this week, we liked it.
Michael, your message.
- Not to mention
the particular manner
in which said message
was conveyed.
- You mean, there's a
manner in my message?
- I'm not one given to
flamboyant gesturing,
but if I may reconstruct,
"Let it go."
- No, officer, it was more
to the heavens, like so.
"Let it go."
The point is, I've
been through rolfing
and transcendental meditation.
- And I've been
through Dianetics.
- And this is the first thing
that may actually help.
- They need people like
you in the department
to talk jumpers off ledges,
especially now with that
three-story building going up.
It's going to be a
magnet for losers.
- Gee, thanks for
those thumbs up.
- No, Michael, thank you.
- Can you believe
what's happening?
I think I finally
found my true calling.
- Your true calling?
- Inspiring mankind.
- Well, it's certainly not
an overcrowded profession.
- Bye, everybody.
- George, aren't you going
to fix the hot water heater?
- Ah. It's such a nice day,
I decided to forget about it.
- Cowabunga, I'm
inspiring everybody.
- This is the stupidest
town that ever lived.
- Are you Stephanie
Vanderkellen?
- Why, yes.
- Then you're the
unfeeling shrew
who broke that
poor Michael's heart.
- For your information,
he dumped me.
And oops, I dumped the oatmeal.
What a butterfingers.
- Forget about it.
- But I just threw hot
oatmeal in your lap.
- Let it go, dear. Try smiling.
- Let it go, try smiling. Ha!
- If George would do
what I pay him to do,
I wouldn't have to
take cold showers.
He works for me.
He's supposed to fix
the hot... hot water heater.
- Morning, d*ck, Joanna.
- George, you know,
we're still waiting
for you to fix the heater.
- Let it go, Joanna.
- We don't want to let it go.
We want it fixed today, George.
- Forget about it. Try smiling.
- I can't. My lips
haven't thawed out yet.
- I think I'll drink my
coffee on the porch.
There's a baby
caterpillar inching up a twig
and I want to be there.
- A baby one.
- That-that's it. This
has gone too far.
B-Because of Michael's
idiot philosophy,
n-nothing is getting
done around here.
- Hello, friends and flock.
Can I put this up in the lobby?
There's still a
few tickets left.
- "Michael Harris in his
only Vermont appearance."
What does this mean?
You live in Vermont.
- Well, it's a summoning
to my seminar.
I'm going to inspire the
masses with my message.
- What message?
They're just simple
asinine buzzwords.
- Well, d*ck, maybe you haven't
noticed my passel of apostles,
but you can't deny I have
a certain effect on people.
I want both of you
to come tonight.
I think I can enlighten you.
- Forget about it.
- You see, you're already
a third of the way there.
- I can't tell you how
Michael's philosophy
has changed my life.
- Same here.
Right now, I'm supposed
to be manning the 911 line,
but I decided
to forget about it.
- And yesterday,
the fire department
threatened to strike,
so I just let them go.
- I'm surprised you wanted
to come tonight, Stephanie,
knowing how the
town feels about you.
- Well, I just wanted
to show these people
that I'm not a heartless shrew,
that I'm a warm, caring,
compassionate human being.
- There she is.
There's that snotty viper,
Stephanie Vanderkellen.
- Oh, drop dead.
George, sit.
- Well, bask in it, Joanna.
If we could somehow harness
the stupidity in this room...
we could change the world.
I can't believe all
these people are paying
ten dollars a head
to see Michael.
- We paid 50.
I had to go to a scalper.
- You what?
- Tonight, we're in the
presence of greatness.
- Perhaps we should kneel.
- He almost spoke.
- Oh, please.
- Darryl, stop that.
It's not polite to stare
at someone's aura.
Let it go.
Forget about it.
Try smiling.
We are!
- This is moronic.
- Let it go. Forget
about it. Try smiling.
Yes, my child?
- I have a question that
weighs heavily on me, Michael.
- Speak to me.
- Last month, I was
elected President
of the local pastry club.
And with that position
came a lot of responsibility
and the inevitable weight gain.
But I decided
to forget about it.
- Wonderful.
And did you let it go?
- Yes, but I put on 12 pounds
and now all my clothing chafes.
- Did you try smiling?
- Well, that's easy for you.
You're probably one
of those visionaries
that can eat anything
and not put on a pound.
- Next.
Yes, my son?
- My anniversary was last night.
Thank you.
Thirty-two years.
Well, usually I
do forget about it,
but this time I knew it
was okay to forget about it.
Yet my wife threw
me out of the house.
So now I'm sleeping
in the Tercel,
and it's hard to try smiling
with the stick shift
jabbing you in the kidneys.
What should I do?
- I don't think Michael
has the answer.
- No kidding.
- Let's review the problem.
You said you let it go.
- That's right.
- And you forgot about it.
- Uh-huh.
- And you actually
did try smiling.
- 'Til my cheeks ached.
- How about that? Next.
- Michael, help me.
Isn't there any more
to your philosophy?
- Well, let me see.
No, that's about it.
- Typical.
Some smooth talking Dandy
sells you the meaning of life
and it turns out he's
just taking you for a ride
in the hoax-mobile.
- Let down once again, Darryl.
First we read that Rosanne
ain't handling success very well
and now this.
- Wait, I thought this was
what you wanted to hear.
Yesterday, you were
gobbling this stuff up.
- Yesterday, we were stupid.
- Yesterday?
- It works for me. I don't know
why it doesn't work for you.
- Some seminar.
There weren't even
any refreshments.
- Tell me more
about this pastry club.
- We meet all day Tuesday,
usually at a local bakery.
- Wait.
- If this town had
a bunco squad,
they'd be sticking to you
like sweaty thighs
to a vinyl car seat.
- I've never felt so used.
Stone him!
- Steph, don't walk out.
- I have to, Michael.
George is my ride.
- I've been de-flocked.
Do you want to talk to him?
- No.
But it is sort of what I do.
- And this is sort
of when I leave.
- Michael, are you all right?
- d*ck, what happened?
- You know, you
inspiration leaders
are bound to b*mb
every once in a while.
I'm sure even Tommy
Lasorda has his off days.
- Yeah, but it
happened so quickly.
I mean, other great thinkers
inspire mankind for generations.
I inspired people
for a day and a half.
- Well, some thinkers
are different than you.
They're... multi-dimensional.
- So you're saying I'm a
simple man with few layers?
- One.
- Meaning there's
really very little to me?
- Right, but I mean, you
can always read and learn
and, you know,
become more layered.
- Yeah, but then,
I'd run the risk
of becoming complex
and dull like you.
- That's one of
the pitfalls of depth.
- Bummer.
- Michael, you aren't going
to fall apart again, are you?
- No, I'm just
going to let it go,
you know, forget about it.
- You know, you could
always try smiling.
- Meow.
07x18 - Message from Michael
Watch/Buy Amazon
d*ck Loudon and wife Joanna relocate from New York City to a small town in Vermont, where they run the historic Stafford Inn.
d*ck Loudon and wife Joanna relocate from New York City to a small town in Vermont, where they run the historic Stafford Inn.