07x19 - Homes and Jo-Jo

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Newhart". Aired: October 25, 1982, - May 21, 1990.*
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d*ck Loudon and wife Joanna relocate from New York City to a small town in Vermont, where they run the historic Stafford Inn.
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07x19 - Homes and Jo-Jo

Post by bunniefuu »

- Come on, Petey, talk.

- Tell me, M-Mrs. Collins, um,

when... when did
you first start believing

that your... your
bird could talk?

- I think the cameras
are making him nervous.

Could you turn them off?

- I'm sorry, someone should
have briefed you on how TV works.

- Come on, Petey,
do the Twilight Zone.

You're traveling through
another dimension.

Petey, you know this.

A dimension not only
of sight and sound,

but of... of what, Petey?

Of what, Petey?

- Well, I'm afraid
we're out of time.

If you'd like a transcript
of today's show,

you're out of your mind.

And we're out.

- You blew it, Petey.

- d*ck, that was a good show.

No, really.

And the crew seemed pleased too.

- That's because somebody
brought donuts to work today.

- Hello, Joanna.
- Hi, Mr. Grad.

- Well, Loudon, that was
another milestone in television.

- Well, I can't take all
the credit, Mr. Grad.

It was your idea to book Petey.

- d*ck, have you seen
your ratings lately?

They're not good.

They're not good at all.

- Yeah, but I-I'm up
against tough competition,

an-and I'm sure that
those... You know,

those fly fishing shows have
pretty much run their course.

- d*ck, let me tell you.

Let me tell you
something about TV.

It's not radio.

The audience wants to see people

who are great looking
with k*ller smiles.

- Like... like Petey?

- I had great hopes for him.

- You may call me a radical,

but I-I think people want to
watch shows that have content.

- d*ck, do you ever
think before you speak?

I could give Joanna a show

and she'd get better
ratings than you.

- That's very flattering,

but I wouldn't
know the first thing

about hosting a show.

- Honey, he-he's not saying
he's going to give you a show.

He's just saying that he'd
pick you over me and Petey.

- Now, wait... wait a minute.

Actually, not such a bad
idea giving you a show.

I mean, you're great looking.

Smile for me.

You've got a k*ller smile.

- Thank you.

You should hear me laugh.

- Laugh for me.

Joanna, what do
you do at the inn?

- Well, I do the books.

- There you go.

- You're going to
give her a show

where she smiles and
laughs an-and totals receipts?

- Do you think it needs more?

- Well, I'm also a
real estate agent.

- Bingo, that's the show

and I'm going to try you
out in d*ck's time slot.

- What?

- Oh! Oh, I couldn't
do that to d*ck.

Could I, honey?
- No!

Look, my... my
ratings aren't that bad.

That show that's on before me,
I do much better than that show.

Reverend Millmore's "send
me all your money" show.

- All right, all right!

The rev is out, the babe is in.

- d*ck, isn't this exciting?

I'm going to have
my own TV show.

And I'll be your lead in.

You're traveling through
another dimension.

You not only have sight
and sound, but a bright mind.

- Okay, there's your coffee.

Now, what's the good news?

- Wait until George gets here.

That way, I won't
have to say it twice.

- Right, like you
never repeat yourself.

- Well, I'm here.

What's the big news?

- Starting next Sunday,

I'm going to have
my own TV show.

- Congratulations, Joanna.

- I don't get it.

This news has
nothing to do with me.

- Well, not directly.

I just thought you'd
be excited to hear it.

- Oh, I am.

Now I can say I serve coffee to
two people who have TV shows.

- What kind of program is it?

Is it another fly fishing show?

I can never get
my fill of those.

- Sorry George, it's going
to be a real estate show.

I'll be showing
videotapes of houses

that are on the market.

- Oh. So I guess you won't
have any trout on your show.

- Not unless
they're good looking

and have a k*ller smile.

- I'm going to be on right
before Vermont Today.

- Oh, no.

That's Reverend
Millmore's time slot.

Now he won't have the money

to build his
walk-onto-water slide

at Reverend Millmore's
Bible Country, USA.

- Hi.

I'm Larry, this is
my brother Darryl,

and this is my
other brother, Darryl.

Oh, and this is my other brother
Darryl's manservant, Charles.

- I, uh, knew you'd be the first
brother to get a manservant.

- Larry, where did
Charles come from?

- We found him on our
doorstep when we came home.

- We're lucky to find a
newspaper on our doorstep.

- That's funny, Darryl's
always finding newspapers

on your doorstep.

- Before this conversation
becomes interminable,

I was a birthday gift from
Darryl's Great Aunt Priscilla.

- Yeah, Darryl's her favorite.

She's always been a sucker

for his Sholem
Aleichem-like folksy humor.

- Well, sh-she sounds like a
very generous and wacky woman.

- Larry, what's Darryl going
to do with a manservant?

- He hasn't the foggiest.

- I draw baths, I look
after the master's clothing,

I announce visitors.

In general, I buttle.

- Are you any good
at turtle stomp?

- I should think not, no.

- That's what we were afraid of.

- Darryl, that's also
what a manservant does.

He picks things
off one's clothes.

- I guess Charles
will come in handy.

Those turtle pieces
stick like glue.

Come on, Darryl, Charles.

- Charles?

Ch-Charles, you...
you dropped something.

"Help me.

"Please, you must help me."

- Yo yo, JoJo.

d*ck-d*ck.

Did you know Larry and the
Darryl duplex have a butler?

- They prefer the
term "manservant."

Keeps Charles in his place.

- Look what he gave me.

"Help me.

"Please, you must help me."

- Speaking of giving,

Mr. Grad gave me
my own show on WPIV.

- Jiffy pop, Joanna, congrats.

I always knew you
had TV cue potench.

- I'll be d*ck's lead-in.

- Stuffing plus,
back-to-back Loudons?

I guess I'll finally
have to force myself

to watch Vermont Today.

- You never watched
Vermont Today?

You produced it.

- Doesn't mean
I had to watch it.

- How does WPIV's
newest star like her set?

- She loves it.

Oh, what's that spotlight for?

- Oh, that's so we can get
a good look at your legs.

Lots of shows use them.

- Edward R. Murrow
popularized them.

- It's so bright.

I should have worn a sunscreen.

- Now that's the kind of banter
I want to hear on your show.

- Doesn't it take two to banter?

Who's that?

- Justin Witter, big soap star.

He just got k*lled
off Lovers in Love.

He'll be your co-host.

- You really think
I need a co-host?

- Justin's only here to
bring in the female viewers.

We've already got
you for the men.

- Who... who...
who do I bring in?

- Well, judging
from your fan mail,

a guy named Frank.

Ten seconds.

- d*ck, ten seconds.

And he was talking to me.

- Fra-Fra-Frank who?

- Hi, Justin Witter,
Lovers in Love

and various well-received
dinner theater productions

of Barefoot in the Park.

- Joanna Loudon,
well-received real estate agent.

In five, four, three...

- Hi, I'm Joanna Loudon,

and this is my
co-host, Justin Witter.

- Hi, Vermont.

- We'd like to welcome
you to the first edition

of Your House Is My House.

Our House.

We'll be taking you through
some of the fabulous homes

that are on the market,
if that's all right with you.

- Anything you do
is all right with me.

- Oh.

Our first home,

located in exclusive
Johnny Cake Ridge Estates,

has three bedrooms,
two and a half baths,

a lovely gourmet kitchen.

- Excuse me, Joanna.

Can we back up a bit?

- To what?

- To the bedrooms,
and this time,

let's linger a while, if
you know what I mean.

- Well, the master suite
has a large walk-in closet,

French doors that
lead out to the spa.

- Oh, a dip in the spa
sounds pretty good right now,

if you know what I mean.

- What... what...
what does he mean?

- d*ck, relax. This show's
going to get big numbers,

and because you follow,

your show's going to get
thousands of new viewers too.

- There's a charming
wood burning fireplace.

- Ooooh, that fireplace
is making me hot,

if you know what I mean.

- Saw your show, Joanna.

Hot-cha-cha.

Tss.

- Maybe he's just trying to
say he wants some bacon.

- George, my show is not
supposed to be hot-cha-cha.

I'm selling real estate.

- It was hard to tell
what you were selling.

- So, did you... did
you see my show?

- When's that on again?

- Ri-Right after Joanna's show.

- Then I missed it.

After watching Joanna,

I had to go out and
lift heavy objects.

- Oh, good! Joanna, you're home.

I have a question.

- What is it?

- I don't know that
much about TV,

but isn't it tacky to come
onto your co-host like that?

- Stephanie, he came on to me.

- Well, you encouraged him

with those double
entendres about houses.

And by the way, that
leg light has to go.

The idea is to
accentuate the positive.

N-Not to change the subject, t
did you catch Vermont Today?

- No.

After Joanna's flesh act...

I took a ritual
purification bath.

I was busy scrubbing
my skin raw.

Joanna, I'm as open-minded
as the next person,

but I can't help feeling
you're going to burn for this.

- d*ck, will you
help me k*ll Justin?

- Joanna, I know you're mad,

but a little sexual tension
might help Hot Houses.

- Hot Houses?

What happened to Your
House is My House?

- Mr. Grad wanted
a-a steamier title.

You should be relieved.

I talked him out
of Rooms for Love.

- I'm a smut peddler.

- Yes, but I mean, i-it's smut
with redeeming social values.

Honey, your... your
show is going to be a hit,

which means my
show is going to be a hit,

so in a way, I
mean, I'm, you know,

I'm... I'm dealing in smut too.

- Thank you, d*ck.

Thank you for making no sense.

And thank you for letting
your wife be degraded

for some stupid ratings.

- Joanna, normally I
would be the last guy

to... to stand by and
watch you be degraded,

but I mean, you know,
i-it's sweeps week.

- Hi.

I'm Larry, this is
my brother Darryl,

and this is my other
brother Darryl's second.

- Hi guys, what
can we do for you?

- We've come for more advice,

but first we'd like to
congratulate Miss Joanna

on her softcore p*rn
real estate show.

- Thank you.

I saw there was a need for it

and with d*ck's encouragement,

I'm filling it.

- I see Darryl, but
wher-where's Darryl?

- The master is soaking in
a bubble bath at present, sir.

- When he's all soft and
rosy, Charles will dry him off,

then read to him
'til he falls asleep.

- As far as Master
Darryl is concerned,

The Cat in the Hat cannot
come back too many times.

I must get back before
his bubbles disappear.

- Don't, uh, don't you
think you're spoiling him?

- Actually, I'm the one who
prefers there be bubbles left.

- d*ck, we're at our wits' end.

Darryl doesn't do anything
for hisself anymore.

He's losing his naturally
sinewy physique.

- That... that would be the
real tragedy in all of this.

- What do you suggest we do?

- Can I answer a question
with... with a question?

Did you watch my show?

- Can I answer that question
with another question?

What does that have
to do with Darryl?

- N-Nothing.

- We thought as much. Goodbye.

- And this lovely home has
a beautiful manicured lawn,

a large family room,
three bathrooms,

an Olympic-size swimming pool.

- What?

No bedrooms?

- No. No bedrooms in this one.

- Well, isn't that strange?

None of the houses
you've mentioned today

have had bedrooms.

- And none are
going to, so drop it.

- Well, if they don't
have any bedrooms,

where would one go to bed?

If you know what I mean.

- There's always
the gutter out front.

Getting back to why we're here,

the house has a
spacious gourmet kitchen,

featuring granite countertops.

- Ever sprawl naked
on a granite countertop?

- He's good.

- Will you shut up?

- I won't say another word.

- There's decorative
beveled glass windows

and above the skylight,

which allows the morning
sun to warm the living room.

- He's playing
footsy with her now.

I mean, thousands
of people are...

Are going to be watching him
fondle my wife on television.

- Tens of thousands, d*ck.

- T-Tens of... of thousands?

- With the mail we've received,

they're sticking around
to watch Vermont Today.

- Well, you know, I mean,
when you think about it,

I mean, all he's doing is
rubbing her thigh with his foot.

- There's an attached
three-car garage.

- Did you ever do it

strapped to an
a*t*matic garage door?

- Have you ever been
strangled on the air?

We'll be right back
with a few final words.

And we're out.

- Hot stuff, Joanna.

- That's it, I can't
take it anymore.

I'm going to k*ll him
right here, right now.

- Joanna, calm down.

You don't want
to get a reputation

for... for being difficult.

- d*ck, he was fondling my leg.

- He had his sock on.

- Either he keeps his feet
to himself, or I'm walking.

- I-I'll talk to him.

I'll tell him you're
a little miffed.

- Miffed?

I want to see him
strung up by his...

Ten seconds.

- Honey, y-you better
get back. Justin's idling.

In five, four, three...

- Until next time,
I'm Joanna Loudon.

- And I'm Justin Witter,

hoping all your houses are hot.

And we're out.

- That's it. I can't
take it anymore.

- O-Okay, I'll handle it.

You get some decaf.

Justin, c-could I have a word
with you a-about my wife?

- Sure, d*ck.

You know, she's a lovely woman.

- I'm glad you're enjoying her.

Just wish you wouldn't
en-enjoy her quite so much.

- Oh, that.

Well, that's my
darn soap training.

I see a beautiful
woman and bingo bango,

something clicks in my head.

Next thing you
know, I'm all over her.

- Maybe you should have
that bingo bango looked at.

- Well, I've got
to do something.

Bart is really getting
on my case about it.

- Who's... who's Bart?

- The guy I live with.

You knew I was gay, didn't you?

- Oh, of... of course.

Sure, I knew... I knew...

I knew... I knew... I knew that.

- Maybe I'll tone things down.

- But... but you'll...
you'll still f-flirt a little?

- Well, enough to get ratings.

Just not enough to
make Bart throw things.

- Right, use... Use his
temper a-as your gauge.

- Exactly.

Well, got to run. Bart's
making moussaka.

- Well, did you
set him straight?

- I don't, uh, I don't think he'll
be bothering you anymore.

- Really?

What did you say to him?

- Joanna, I-I don't
like to repeat it.

We used some pretty
colorful language.

In five, four, three...

And now it's Vermont
Today, starring d*ck Loudon.

- Our topic today:
"Book binding:

"Gluing or stitching?

"The controversy continues."

- Hi.

I'm Larry, this is
my brother Darryl,

and appearing in
public once again

is my other brother Darryl.

We've come to inquire if
you've seen a manservant.

- Are you missing one?

- It seems Charles has run off.

I should have seen it coming.

He had this weird
look in his eyes

when he was flossing Darryl.

Maybe it's for the best.

He's picking up all
sorts of annoying habits

from that Charles.

Come on, Darryl.

- "Help me, please.

"You must help me."

You can come out now.

- Thank you so much for
concealing me, George.

Master Darryl was
getting to be too much

for one manservant to endure.

- I know you'd do
the same for me

if I ever ran away
from d*ck and Joanna.

- I don't think the Loudons
would ever chase you

through the forest naked

while hurling squirrel
pellets at your bum.

- No, but I'm supposed
to watch Vermont Today,

and that's just as painful.

- Meow.
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