08x09 - att*ck of the k*ller Aunt

[bunniefuu]

- Joanna, have you seen George?

- George who?

- Utley.

- Oh, George Utley.

- Well, have you?

- Who wants to know?

- Joanna, are you trying
to tell me something?

- George is at the airport
picking up my Aunt Louise.

- Aunt Louise the psychopath?

- She's not a psychopath.
She's just whimsical.

- Right, and she whimsically
tried to blow up our wedding.

- You make so much
out of a little b*mb scare.

- I mean, th-that
woman hates me.

- She doesn't hate you.

She just felt that you
weren't much of a... bargain.

Anyway, I thought if
she came for a visit,

that I could prove to her
that you are a... bargain.

Do you know that after 19 years,

when I called her,
she actually cried?

- Well, maybe one of
her tear gas canisters

went off in her face.

- Hi and ho, d*ck and Jo.

Hi, Michael. Stephanie.

- Have you two ever heard
of a thing called a budget?

- I-Isn't that some
sort of a-a parakeet?

- No, d*ck. That's a budgie.

- Yeah, I know. See, that was
my... that was my funny answer.

- Yes, we've heard of a budget.

- Well, we hadn't
until this morning.

We were watching
TV and Darrin thought

that Samantha was
spending too much money,

so he put her on this budget.

But Endora felt that Samantha
should just twitch her nose

and not worry about finances.

So Endora and Darrin had it out

and then she turned
him into a hassock.

- Well, if a budget worked
for a witch and her husband,

I don't see why it wouldn't
work for the two of you.

- And we have fewer expenses
than Darrin and Samantha.

We pay zero for
rent. We live here free.

We pay zero for
food. We eat here free.

Zero for long distance calls.

We sneak in at night
after you're asleep

and use the phone for free.

- Then where does your money go?

- To buy clothes, of course.

You don't expect
us to wear yours.

Michael, that horn.

That's the unmistakable sound

of a brand-new
Rolls-Royce Corniche.

- Leaping lap of luxury, it is.

Oh, my God!

- Michael, you act like you've
never seen a Rolls before.

My parents buy a new
one every six months.

- I'm... I'm the same
way with underwear.

- It's not the coach,
it's the coachmen.

Larry, his brother Darryl,
and his other brother Darryl.

- Hi, I'm Larry. This...

- Michael has already
announced you.

- We'll let this one
go, but in future,

please refrain from such
unauthorized introductions.

- What are you guys
doing with a Rolls-Royce?

- We bought it at the
Rolls-Royce store.

- Cuppers, can we buy one too?

- Michael, we're on a budget.

- Darn it, I didn't know a
budget meant skimping.

- Well, cheer up.

Let's go eat some of
d*ck and Joanna's food.

- How could you fellas
afford such an expensive car?

- Easy, we just
liquidated all our assets,

including home and café.

Of course, we had to
unshackle ourselves

from the unrealistic
budgetary guidelines

set forth by Darrin
and Samantha Stevens.

- Guys, if... if you put
all your money in the car,

h-how can you afford to eat?

- It appears we've made
a gross miscalculation,

but we'll muddle through.

Do you still have that
brochure on cannibalism?

That sounds like our doorbell.

I hope it's not another one
of those Jehovah's Witnesses.

- I like your car, guys.

- Thanks.

If we expire from
malnutrition, it's yours.

- All right!

- George, where's Aunt Louise?

- She's probably waiting outside
until that suitcase explodes.

- Aunt Louise!

- Dear, dear Margaret.

- It's Joanna.

- Ah, dear, dear Joanna.

You're just as lovely as
the day you were married.

- Well, obviously, you saw her

before the b*mb squad
dogs sniffed her out.

- Well, I can see that you
are still in an angry place

about the little b*mb scare.

Would you like to box my ears
or punch me right in the eye?

- Not really. I wouldn't
mind rapping your knuckles

for... for sending
Joanna's old boyfriend

up to the honeymoon suite.

- Brad Pettibone. I'd
almost forgotten about him.

- Listen, I can't blame you
for hating me and my pranks.

I tell you what, go
ahead, take your best sh*t.

- Put the glasses
back on, Aunt Louise.

- You want to hit me
with my glasses on?

Okay, sounds a little
sick to me, but go ahead.

- Aunt Louise, d*ck
is not going to hit you.

- Oh! Listen, d*ck,

I didn't think you were
going to forgive me

right off the bat.

When I did something
to spoil your wedding,

it was just because I
didn't think you were

much of a bargain.

I wanted the very best
for Joanna, and I mean,

who in his right mind would
have thought that was you?

- Geez, Louise, I...
I think I'm touched.

- Oh, apologizing
is so exhausting.

I think I'll take a nap.

- I'll show you to your room.

- Oh, good.

Feel free to pummel
me while I'm sleeping.

- What happened
to all that lobster

you and Joanna
were eating last night?

- We... we finished it.

- Gluttons.

- Little more
coffee, Aunt Louise?

- Just a whole cup, please.

You know, I ran across
one of your books last night

while I was settling in,

Old Lampshades: More
Than Just Party Hats.

- Yeah, that was my first
and only pop-up book.

- Yes, when I opened it,

it scared the
bejeebees out of me.

You know, Joanna, you've got
a very talented husband here.

He's a writer, an innkeeper,

and an international
TV celebrity.

- Oh, I-I just host
a little local show.

- Well, you can't
be more than 70,

and I'm sure you'll find
your stride pretty soon.

Listen, I just remembered,

I brought you two
a wedding present.

George left it in the lobby.

Listen, will you be
here when I get back?

- How... how long will you be?

- Ten seconds.

- Yeah, w-we'll hang out.

- Well, she really
seems to like you now.

- Yeah, I-I feel a
little guilty about

h-having her hauled in for
questioning after the wedding.

- Oh good, you're still here.

Well, you like it?

- A giant rectangle
wrapped in paper,

what's not to like?

- No, no, there's
something inside.

Open it.
- Oh, good.

- You recognize the couple?

- It's me... with
Benjamin Franklin.

- That's not Benjamin
Franklin. That's d*ck.

- What's wrong with you, Joanna?

Don't you recognize
your own husband?

- Well, where do
you want to hang it?

- Well...
- Ah!

- I know... I know a
very... a very special place.

- Special place?

- You know, upstairs,

way, way, way at
the end of the hall

near the emergency exit?

Lots... lots of foot traffic.

- Only if we have
an air raid drill.

We're going to
hang this in the lobby,

right over the fireplace.

- Oh, perfect.

All your guests
can come and stare

at your rare luminescent
beauty, Joanna.

Then they can look at d*ck.

- Hi, I'm Larry. This...

We've halted our introduction
due to the sight of a curious

new addition to your lobby.

- Yeah, Joanna's
Aunt Louise painted it.

- The artist has truly captured

the luminous quality
of your flesh tones.

Huh? I'll ask.

Darryl wonders what you're
doing with Angie Dickinson.

- Angie and I used
to date years ago.

- Really?

We've seen every
episode of her hackneyed

yet truly poignant
series, Police Woman.

- Yeah, I cut off all ties after
she made Big Bad Mama 2.

- Darryl also considers
that a black mark

on an otherwise stellar career.

Anyway, we've solved
our cash flow problems.

It seems the masses
in China pay money

to have their pictures
taken in exotic cars.

We've embarked
on a similar venture

to the tune of a buck a photo.

Ten bucks for nudies.

- I-I guess you'll... You'll
be moving to China?

- Shake a tail, shutterbugs.
We're losing the light.

- Who needs the Chinese
masses when we have Michael?

Come on, Darryl,

let's set up the baby spots
for the day for night sh*t.

- Hey, take a peep at
these Polaroids, Pop.

- Michael, is... is that you
spread-eagled on the hood

in tiger-print speedos?

- It's as skimpy as I could get

without popping
for the ten bucks.

The baby oil gives me a
rough-and-ready sheen,

don't you think?

- D-Definitely.

Michael, are these sad cries
for attention within your budget?

- If you don't tell
Steph about these,

I'll wash the speedos
and you can borrow them.

- Well, we're
off to the airport.

The car's all packed.

- d*ck, I'm so
glad we reconciled.

Now I know you'll be there

when they drop my
body into the ground.

And if I'm lucky,

you'll be the first one to
shovel dirt in my grave.

- Well, thanks for leaving me
with such a-a lovely thought.

- Don't mention it. Bye, now.

See ya. So long.

Toodles.
- Toodles!

God, Joanna looks so ridiculous.

- Seeing something
that beautiful

makes me know for
sure there's a God.

- Not a benevolent one.

- It's wrong for me to
covet that painting, isn't it?

- Y-You like it?

- Well, who
wouldn't? It's great art.

I can tell because the
eyes seem to follow you

wherever you go.

- George, since... since you're
such a connoisseur of fine art,

would, you know, would
you like to own this?

- Oh, I don't know.

Taking this masterpiece
from the Stratford

would be like
taking the Mona Lisa

from the Montpellier Museum.

- The, uh, the Mona
Lisa's in the Louvre.

- Right.

I was thinking of
the Venus de Milo.

- Of course! Well...

if you like it, George,
you... you can have it.

- Well, I couldn't
take a wedding gift.

What if I bought it?

- O-Okay.

Wh-What do you think it's worth?

- A masterpiece like
that? Five dollars?

- Sold.

- I have to tell you I was
prepared to go even higher,

as high as $5.50.

- I wouldn't want you to

dip into your
retirement fund, George.

- Boy, this is
going to look great

next to my Red
Skelton clown plates.

- I could have sworn I left
that book on the nightstand.

- George, what are you
doing with that painting?

- d*ck just sold it to me.

For five bucks.

- d*ck!

How could you
sell that painting?

It was a gift to both of us.

- I know, but George

really... really coveted
this... this piece of... of art.

- Oh, I wish I'd never
come back to find my copy of

Aunts Who Love Too Much.

I'm going to go take a nap.

- Well, what about your flight?

- How can I fly when my guts
have been torn out of my body

like my gallbladder
was last October?

- A-All right, maybe I had
a little lapse in judgment.

- Oh, shut up, d*ck.

I should have
married Brad Pettibone

when I had the chance.

- What a mess!

How did I ever let you talk me

into buying your
wedding present?

- Maybe I'm the devil, George.

- I'm afraid I'm going
to have to return this.

- Want your five dollars back?

- I thought it was $5.50.

- Maybe you're
the devil, George.

Joanna, don't you
think this silent treatment

is a little immature?

- And selling my
aunt's painting isn't?

- Oh, come on, you...
You can't honestly say

you like that thing.

- I love that thing.

- Sheesh!

- What's that supposed to mean?

- Nothing. Just... sheesh!

- Well, fine.

First you sell our wedding gift.

Now you're insulting
my taste. Jerk.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- Nothing. Just... jerk.

- Well, I finished
the formalwear sh**t.

Say, d*ck-bo...

would you happen to have a
gladiator outfit I can borrow?

- Darn, mine's in the shop.

I'm having it buffed.

Michael, don't you
think you're wasting

an awful lot of money

on... on something so...
so vain and frivolous?

- Are you guys talking
about me again?

- Caught us.

- Michael, you have
on eveningwear.

It's barely dusk.

- I know I usually wear
my after-six after six,

but tonight I was
feeling kind of...

It's no use.

I can't hide it from my
muffin PI any longer.

Here.

Oh, my God, these are gorgeous.

I've never seen
you looking so sultry.

- L, D and D took
them. Only a buck a pop.

- What a steal.

But wait, there's something
wrong with these pictures.

I can't put my finger on it.

- Uh, you aren't in them?

- That's it.

Well, there's only one solution.

Dump them and
start from scratch.

- What... what
about your budget?

- If God had wanted
us to be on a budget,

he wouldn't have
made us so photogenic.

- Amen.

- Can... can I help you?

- Thanks anyway, pal.

I've already had my
shoes shined today.

This is a lovely
likeness of Joanna,

but what's she doing
with Ben Franklin?

- She was a Founding
Father groupie.

Who... who are you?

- Brad!

Brad Pettibone, oh,
thank Allah you're here.

- I jetted up as soon
as I got your call.

Now... what sort of
trouble is Joanna having?

- Marital trouble. Her
husband is a monster.

He threatened to
pummel me in my sleep.

- The cad! I knew the
husband was no bargain.

I should have snuck
Joanna out of that bridal suite

when I had the chance.

- I thought I remembered
you from my honeymoon.

- I'm sorry, I didn't
catch the name.

- d*ck Loudon.

- The husband
you'll be replacing.

- Oh, of course.

My, 19 years have taken
their toll on you, haven't they?

- I-I've been ill. I-I ate
some bad scallops.

- Brad Pettibone?

- My God, Joanna.

Every bit the vision
you were on our...

On your wedding night.

- What are you doing here?

- Wacky Louise sent for him.

- She told me the sad, sad
news of your marital breakup.

So, so sorry.

- Well, despite what
you've been told,

my marriage to d*ck isn't over.

Yet.

- Let's not talk ugly.
We're too beautiful for that.

Let's talk about how your face
becomes more breathtaking

with every breath you take,
with every move you make.

- You always
could turn a phrase.

- And a stomach.

- Let's say we jet
down to Palm Beach

for a naughty weekend
of sun, fun, and me?

Shall we, Joanna?

- Well, I'd love to, Brad,
but I'm afraid I can't.

- Isn't she cute when
she's playing hard to get?

I taught her all that.

- What a proud moment
this must be in your life.

- What's the problem, my beauty?

- Well, Palm Beach
sounds wonderful,

but my hair is a mess and
my luggage is in the attic

and I'm sort of,
kind of, more or less,

for better or worse, mostly
worse, married to d*ck.

- Why is it, my pet,

that so many fun times
are spoiled by wedlock?

- Tell me about it.

- Goodbye, my dream girl.

Let's not make it another
19 years, shall we?

Goodbye, old girl. We
gave it a sh*t, didn't we?

- All is not lost, Brad.
Hang by the phone.

- Oh, by the by,
any idea how much

those three lads are
charging to pose by the Rolls?

- A buck a sh*t.

- Uh-huh. How about nudies?

- Ten bucks.
- Mm.

- Interesting.

Boys!

- Aunt Louise, I appreciate
what you tried to do.

- Yes, we-we're
both very grateful.

- I mean, I admit d*ck
did a very stupid thing,

selling your painting.

He's not perfect and God
knows he never will be.

- Please, Joanna, I
think I'm going to cry.

- But I married him in
spite of all his shortcomings

and everyone's disapproval,

and he frequently
makes me happy,

so I guess I'm stuck with
what's-his-name here.

- I love you too, Joanna.

- It's obvious that you two
are crazy about each other.

Why do I do the things I do?

- Because you're
out of your mind.

- I suppose you're right.

Well, I'm going to take a nap.

- I-I'll be up to pummel
you in... in a little while.

I'll leave the door unlocked.

- Joanna, if... if you
hadn't been married to me,

would you have flown to
Palm Beach w-with Brad?

- I think I'll take a nap too.

- My God, George was right.

- Meow!