08x13 - Beauty and the Pest

[bunniefuu]

- Now this lovely home has
three spacious bedrooms,

a country kitchen,

and a terrace overlooking
the 18th fairway

at Johnnycake Country Club;

and it's been
reduced to $199,500.

Hi, you're on the air
with Joanna Loudon.

Hello, Joanna.

That dress looks darling on you.

What shoes are
you wearing with it?

- Uh, heels.

Did you have a question
about the house?

What house is that, dear?

- Thank you for calling.

You're on the air
with Joanna Loudon.

Are you wearing flats?

- I just told the other
caller I'm wearing heels.

With those earrings?

Are you crazy?

- We'll be right back
after this message.

And we're out.

- So, uh, those... those
shoes are called heels, huh?

- I've been hosting this
show for eight months,

and nobody seems to
understand that I'm selling houses.

- Well, maybe now is a good
time to remind the viewers

what... what the concept is.

- You could start by
refreshing my memory.

- It's a real estate program.

- It's not a fashion show?

You're not a model?

- Bud, don't be silly.

J-Joanna's not young enough...

to be old enough to be a model.

- Back in five,
four, three, two...

Welcome back to Your
House is My House.

Note the name of my show.

It's not Your Shoes
Are My Shoes.

No, no, no.

I show houses and
you can buy them.

Simple enough, isn't it?

You're on the air
with Joanna Loudon.

Yeah, thanks for
reminding me and the wife

about what your show's
about and everything,

I got a question.

- Go ahead.

How do you keep them
teeth of yours so damn white?

- Oh yes, you are.

Oh yes, you are.

Oh yes, you are.

- Baby Stephanie is getting
more and more beautiful every day.

- And?

- Oh, right. Momma Stephanie
is getting more and more beautiful

every day too.

- Oh, stop it, George,
you're embarrassing me.

- Boy, it's sure
going to be confusing

having two Stephanies
around here.

- Why, G-guy?

- Well, let's say
five years from now,

I get my head
stuck in the banister

and I call out, "Help
me, Stephanie!"

Which one of you
will come running?

- Oh, that's easy.
Michael would.

- I guess I was
worried for nothing.

- Bye-bye, pretty
little Stephie.

- Bye, George.

- Oh yes, you are.

Oh yes, you are.

- Hey, feast your
peepers, innkeepers.

- Oh, honey, we're invited
to the official viewing

of baby Stephanie.

- We felt the town should
be allowed to pay homage

to our creation.

- Wait a minute, you
invited the whole town here?

- Well, we thought about
having it at our place,

but you know what a mess
these townspeople make.

- But, don't you think it
would have been a good idea

to ask our permission first?

- Well, what would
you have said?

- Absolutely not.

- Well, then it wouldn't
have been a good idea,

would it, d*ck?

- I... I suppose not.

- Now run along and
put one of those flyers

under every
windshield wiper in town.

- Righty-o.

- And, you know, don't
limit yourself to the town.

Flag down cars
on... on the interstate.

- Adios, all.

Sayonara, little Stephie-san.

Golly wompers, every
time I speak to her

it's howl-o-rama.

- Well, maybe
she's having trouble

understanding whatever
language it is that you speak.

- Could be, could be.

From now on, I speak plain.

Goodbye, everybody.

Goodbye, young girl.

Is there some tragic
flaw in this novice Pa?

- Joanna, your
show was on today.

- Did you watch it?

- No, but whenever you
wear those silly heels

with those ridiculous earrings,

I always know something's up.

- Does everyone in this town

think my show is
about my wardrobe?

- Heck, it's about
a lot more than that.

It's about your
makeup, your hairdo.

- Nobody takes
what I do seriously.

- Well, honey, maybe you know,

they're just blinded
by your beauty.

I mean, a lot of people
watch my show just because,

you know, they...
they think I'm a stud.

- Hello.

- Hey.

I know you.

You're Joanna Loudon from TV.

Only here you're almost real.

- Does my blusher
look as natural in person

as it does on my beauty show?

- You have two shows?

I only watch the
real estate one.

- Oh, well d-do yourself a favor
a-and catch the beauty show...

it's excellent,
just... just excellent.

- I will.

In the meantime, I'm in
the market for a house

and that three-bedroom Tudor
you showed sure was cool.

- Well, would you
like to see it right now?

It's even cooler on the inside.

- Neat!

- Well, I'm glad
you got our flyer

but I'm not sure I
want a busload of nuns

on some spiritual quest
coming to my baby's viewing.

An offering?

Well how much are we talking?

Oh, don't plead
poverty with me, sister.

- Some nuns, huh?

- Yeah, just the take
from one bingo game

would qualify them as sponsors.

- Sponsors?

- Yeah, a gift up to $20 makes
you a sponsor of the baby.

And $20 to $50
makes you a patron.

And anything over
$50, you're an angel.

- And what benefit is there in
becoming, you know, an angel,

aside from th-the obvious
perk of eternal life in heaven?

- You get to
hold little Stephie.

Patrons can only look at her.

- So, what do
sponsors get to do?

Press their noses up
against the windows?

Sponsors get to press
their noses up against...

- But of course, you and
Joanna will want to be angels.

- Well, since we gave you
the carriage house rent-free,

out back, w-we thought that
maybe we already were angels.

If... if not demigods.

- Well, houses are not
part of our registered gift list.

We have you and Joanna
down for a big screen TV.

- Oh, a-and maybe a-a big
satellite dish to go with it?

- Too unsightly.

A little dish would do.

- So, how... how
was house-hunting?

- Nifty! Especially the Tudor.

From the powder room,

you get this amazing
view of the whole town.

The graveyard, the
sewage plant, the dump.

- I-I bet on a clear day

you can see all... all the
way to the slaughterhouse.

- I hope, I hope, I hope.

- You're buying a house?

Well, hold off on
the down payment

until you read this.

- Wow, a baby viewing.

Is this your baby?

- Yeah.

And that little look just
cost you $20 to $50.

- Worth every penny.

- Well, thanks, you're an angel.

Well, a patron.

- Uh, Dave.

You know, if you like the Tudor,
should we write up an offer?

- No, it had a
flagstone walkway.

- So?

- Joanna, everybody knows
that walking on flagstone

causes memory
loss in laboratory rats.

- Dave, you could have
the flagstones ripped out.

- Yeah, but I'd always
know they'd been there.

- Not... not if you
walked on it a lot.

- What about the
Victorian on Manor Circle?

- It had smoke detectors.

- Yeah, you finally get your
house to go up in flames

and then... then the darn
buzzers start going off.

- I think we should
keep looking.

How many houses are
for sale in this county?

- Maybe a thousand?

- Oooh.

Better get cracking.

Race you to the station wagon.

Ready? Go!

- d*ck, what should I do?

- Honey, you know, if... If
you hurdle the front hedge

you could still b*at him.

Hustle, hustle!

- Okay, your $20 are up.

d*ck, are you trying to
sneak a look at our baby

without giving
her a present first?

- Boy, that punch sure
looks inviting, doesn't it?

- Keep an eye on
that one, he's wily.

- Hi, I'm Larry.

This is my brother, Darryl.

And this is my
other brother, Darryl.

- I'm not going to look,
will you get away from me?

- We're here to view
Miss Stephanie's

cherished offspring,
Miss Stephanie.

Huh?

Darryl feels it must be
mind-boggling to have

two family members
with the same name.

- Aren't you guys kind
of in... in the same boat?

- I don't think so.

Hi, I'm Larry.

This is my brother, Darryl.

And this is my
other brother, Darryl.

Nope, no Stephanies
in our family.

Oooooh.

A Tiffany rattle.

- Darryl cautions you
to proceed carefully.

The rattle is still attached
to its original owner.

- Oh yeah, that must be from

Tiffany's new
reptile department.

- Eek!

- Sir George, would
you take this outside

to that other gift table?

You know, the one
behind the garage.

- You mean the garbage can?

Oh, that gift table.

- Since Darryl here
hunted for the gift,

he should have the honor
of holding baby Stephie.

- Well, I don't know if
your gift was worth $50.

- The defanging and Darryl's
anti-venom sh*t cost $80.

- Okay, you're allowed
to lift our lassie, laddie.

Well, obviously, you're
no novice to neonatal.

- Darryl's never cuddled a
sweet young thing before.

Unless you count Darryl.

- Show us the way to the baby!

- You can't miss her.

She's the only one in
the room who's drooling.

Except for Thor here.

- Put me down as patron.

Three general admission tickets

to the big carnival in Toyville.

They got a Canadian
goose that mambos.

- Well, if you're
good for a goose,

we're good for a gander.

- And Jim sprung for
the bus tickets to Toyville.

- No. Changed my mind.

- Three tickets to
the Moscow circus.

- At world-famous
Radio City Music Hall.

They've got a Soviet
bear that cha-chas.

- Jim Dixon, we agreed
the best we could afford

was patron category.

You made me pinky swear.

- I-In this state, pinky
swearing is legally binding.

R-Right, Thor?

- I didn't want to come
off an old tightwad,

like some people.

- It's not my fault my
electric bill is sky high.

- Well, it's no wonder.

You keep the heat
on day in and day out.

It's like a darn
oven in your house.

- Please stop arguing.

Or I'll have to deduct seconds
from your baby-holding time.

- Brace yourself for a
blast of bawling, boyskie.

- Aw, she's purring.

- Dickums, my babe in arms
goes goo-goo for the guests,

but poo-poos her own Papa.

- Michael and
Stephanie are frantic.

They've unwrapped
all their gifts

and they can't find
your TV or satellite dish.

- I didn't buy them, George.

- You looked at baby
Stephanie without paying?

What's happening to you, d*ck?

- I'm a cheap piece
of dirt, George.

- I showed Dave
another 20 houses.

He found something wrong
with every single one of them.

Wait till you hear this.

- First time...
- No time, no time.

I've got to buy a big screen.

- It was this old colonial
on Maskell Road.

He said the doorbell
sounded insincere.

I'm giving up.

I mean, I'm not supposed
to sell real estate.

Obviously, I should
change my name to Jolene

and open up a beauty parlor.

- Well, Jolene, before you
quit, you should go to his house.

- And b*at him to a pulp?

- Well, you could.

But you could also get an idea

of the kind of house he'd like

by seeing where he lives now.

It's like when I had
to replace the legs

on the dining room table.

I couldn't figure
which kind to use.

So, flashlight in my mouth,

I crawled underneath
to have a look.

- And that helped?

- No, but I found a
quarter in d*ck's cuff.

- Well, I couldn't go
over there now anyway,

d*ck just took the car.

- I could drive
you in my pickup.

- Oh, George, let's go.

- And on the way,

I'll tell you about the
time I found a penny

in d*ck's loafer.

See, I had to replace
a leg on your bed so,

flashlight in my mouth,

I crawled underneath
to have a look...

- Dave?

It's Joanna.

Oh, hi, Joanna. How you doing?

- Fine.

I brought our handyman,
George Utley, over with me.

Nice to meet you, George.

- Nice to meet you, Dave.

Thanks for stopping by.

- Anytime.

- Dave, we came
over to see your house.

Hope you liked it.

- We sure did.

- Dave, I'd like to see
the inside of your house

so I have an idea
what you're looking for.

Oh. No, Joanna,
you can't come in.

I'm not wearing... socks.

- I promise I won't look at
you from the neck down.

So, uh,

anybody care for a soft drink?

You got any Tom Collins mix?

Finished it off at breakfast.

I got no-salt seltzer.

No, I'm having that for dinner.

Got anything else?

How about soup?

I got tomato, cream
of mushroom...

Dave, Dave.

Could you turn on the lights?

I knew you'd ask that.

- Dave.

This room is...
a little... bizarro.

- It's no more bizarro than
my shrine to Lee Meriwether.

But your space flows better.

- At least now I
know what you like.

- Yeah.

You.

Wasn't it neat spending
all those afternoons

driving around together?

- Yeah, neat.

You never wanted to buy
a house, did you, Dave?

- Oh, sure I did!

I loved the one with
the flagstone walkway.

- You said you hated flagstone.

- Wow, an entire bedroom
set made out of flagstone.

Aren't you afraid that canopy
is going to fall on your head?

- Dave, can you afford a house?

- Well, that depends.

Um.

Is $240,000 enough?

- You have $240,000 in my head?

- It's amazing how much
money you can save

by not keeping the
heat on day in, day out.

- You saved that money
just by conserving energy?

- Yeah.

Also, my aunt left me
$239,500 in her will.

- You know, Dave...

I know sometimes when a
young man meets someone

who is kind of
well-known and glamorous,

it's easy to be dazzled.

But there comes a time
when you have to let go.

- Okay.

- I mean there's a grieving
process that we all go through

when the beautiful
love object of our dreams

slips out of reach.

- I've already let
you go, Joanna.

Boy, you're really a little
stuck on yourself, aren't you?

I get these crushes
every couple of weeks.

Lately I've been getting tingly
feelings about Sally Struthers.

- Well, now that you're
moving on to Miss Struthers,

do you want me to take that
mannequin off your hands?

- You really want a
mannequin of me?

- Boy, you are
stuck on yourself.

I'm going to glue Lee
Meriwether's picture

over your face.

At least she's not an egomaniac.

- Thanks for
Stephie-sitting, sir.

- Michael, have you
and big Stephanie

finished inventory?

- Yeah, the total tally is
five angels, 22 sponsors,

16 patrons and one
cheap piece of dirt.

- That's Mr. Cheap
Piece of Dirt to you.

- Oh, please wall
up that wailing.

If you dry your ducts, darling,

Daddy will buy you a
Bill Blass baby blankie.

Gadzooks, all I
have to do is bribe her

like I do her namesake.

Hush hush, sweet Stephette.

There's a pair of itty-bitty
Dijean booties in it for you.

Oh, Dickie, my little
bundle can be bought.

- Honey, guess what?

I sold Dave a house!

- And all along I thought you
became a real estate agent

just to see your
name on bus benches.

- So, I guess I'm not
just a fashion plate

with a fabulous face
and figure after all.

- No, but you're becoming
one heck of an egomaniac.

Honey, congratulations.

- Thanks.

- Neat, huh?

Dave sold me this cool
Joanna-quin for $30 bucks.

- Highway robbery, George.

I could've sold you
the original for $25.

- Miaow.