08x15 - Child in Charge

[bunniefuu]

- Joanna, would you step on it?

I have to be at the
studio in 15 minutes.

- I fixed the furnace and
re-insulated the pipes.

It's always fun to see how
many chores I can squeeze in

while Joanna does her makeup.

- It's a-always been a
gas for me too, George.

- Hey, Georgie,
our mini muffinette

had another milestone.

- She sucked my finger.

- And... and before
that, she... she spit up.

- Both... both momentous events.

- Boy, I'm never around
when history is made.

When Brooke Shields did her
first Bob Hope Easter special,

I was stuck in a donut shop

waiting for the buttermilks
to come out of the oven.

- Y-You missed a very
funny Peter Cottontail sketch.

- Damn, damn, damn.

- Hello, Stephanie.

- Henry.

Michael, d*ck, this
is Henry Tashman,

one of Mummy and
Daddy's jaded lawyers.

- Gentlemen.

- Henry's in charge
of my clothing fund.

So, what brings you
up from Rhode Island?

- Your parents wanted to
give your precious baby a gift.

So they bought a
local property for her.

- Why?

There's nothing worth
buying around here.

d*ck found out the hard way.

- Yeah, a good...
good stiff wind

and we're u-under a
mountain of matchsticks.

- Is that true, or is it a joke?

- It's a... it's
a... it's a joke.

And not, uh, not...
Not a very good one.

- Then why humiliate
yourself needlessly?

- d*ck has this pathetic need
to be the center of attention.

- So what worthless
piece of property

is baby Stephie stuck with?

- Your baby is now the sole
owner of the local TV station,

WPIV.

- WPIV!

- I talked your parents
out of buying her CBS.

- Oh, Steph,
imagine, our bubeleh

will be a baby
mogul at six weeks.

- Michael, you also will
have a position at the station.

- Jumping mother
of Moses, you mean

this hombre is back
in the showbiz saddle?

- Oh, God, please no.

- According to the
terms of the gift,

your official title will
be that of figurehead.

- Figurehead! Did
you hear that, Steph?

I'm a figurehead!

- Oh, Michael, it's what
you've always dreamed of.

A meaningless title
with no responsibility.

- A-And you did it through
hard work a-and perseverance.

Henry, s-since Michael is going
to be an impotent figurehead,

who... who is going to
make all the decisions?

- Why, my baby of course.

- The center of the
stinking universe.

- Oh sweetie, you've made
Mommy and Daddy so proud.

Yes, you have.

Oh yes, you have.

- Would, uh, would one
of you mind telling me

how a baby who can't talk
i-is going to run a TV station?

- Steph, give this
doubtin' Loudon

a sample of how our
cuddly one communicates.

- Is this expensive
Scottish cashmere?

Yes or no?

See?

She's wiggling her
feet, that means no.

- When she means
yes, she does this.

- Well, that will certainly
inspire confidence

at WPIV board meetings.

Cut it out, Michael.

- Okay, honey, we can go now.

I'll do my final
touch-up in the car.

- Hey, Jo-Jo, guess what?

My illustrious in-laws

have gifted our
golden child with WPIV.

From now on, your
show and d*ck's

will be part of the baby
Stephanie broadcasting network.

- The baby is going
to run the station?

- That means yes.

- Hey, it's Mikey Harris.

You guys remember him.

Oh, sure you do.

He's the obnoxious little guy
who had a bright future here

until it all came crashing
down on his head.

- On his head.

That's a good one, Pauley.

- Paul, there's something
you should know.

- Stephanie's parents bought
PIV and gave it to the baby.

It's nuts, but... the
kid is your boss.

- You want it all at once

or every day for
the rest of your life?

- Every day sounds good.

- Michael, introduce
baby Stephanie

to all her little workers.

- National
brotherhood of yokels.

- These are your
cameramen and soundmen.

This is Paul.

He was once a producer.

Now, he's your diaperman.

- Hi, cutie pie.

Jo-Jo has to go
finish her makeup

so she can look pretty
for you on her show.

- Boy, what a suck-up.

- Excuse me, someone
has to work around here.

In five, four, three, two...

And now it's Vermont
Today, starring d*ck Loudon.

Vermont Today

is a Baby Stephanie
Harris Production.

Brought to you by
the generosity of

the cutest baby in
the whole wide world.

Yes, she is.

Oh yes, she is.

- Welcome to Vermont Today,
I'm your host, d*ck Loudon.

The only word that describes
my very special guest is well...

genius.

Hello, Roland Myers.

Father of modern lawn furniture.

- Hi, d*ck.

- Roland, I know the burning
question on everyone's mind is

how... how did you get the
idea for... for lawn furniture?

- Well, one August
afternoon, many years ago,

I was sitting on the
grass sipping lemonade

and I thought, "If only I
had something to sit on

like a regular person."

An hour later, I built
the first lawn chair.

- I've never seen the baby
shake her feet so vigorously.

- Do you think
our little darling

has deduced that d*ck is drab?

- Well, she was bound
to find out sooner or later.

- I have an embarrassing
confession to make.

I didn't use foam
in my first cushion.

I used little chunks
of chopped-up wood.

- And you revealed this t-to
the world on... on my show.

I-I gotta tell you,
folks, Vermont Today,

i-it just doesn't get
any better than this.

- And, of course, I
needed something

to put the lemonade on.

So that's why I
invented the lawn table.

- Fascinating.

Oh, damn, our... our time is up

and we've only... only
just scratched the surface.

I'd like to thank my...
my fascinating guest,

Roland Myers.

Remember, folks, transcripts
for today's show are available

but please, only
one to a family.

And we're out.

- Baby Stephanie
wants to see you, d*ck,

and she's not happy.

No, she's not. Oh no, she's not.

- d*ck, this is so hard.

Uh... Baby Steph's f*ring you.

- She's what?

You're what?

- Well, don't think
it's easy for her.

But she has to ask herself,
why throw good money after bad?

- This... this is crazy! A-After
that amazing interview?

- Well, she just didn't
respond to the material.

She was also dying for
you to pick up the pace.

- The baby told you that?

- Well, not in so many words.

- Like none?

- She was kicking
her feet like crazy.

- And she had another
way of showing how she felt.

- You just couldn't pick
up the pace, could ya?

- I mean, I-I don't believe it.

I-I've had a-a TV show
here for... for seven years

and a-a kid wiggles her
feet and poops, and I-I'm out.

- Oh, sweetie.

Couldn't you give
Dickie another chance?

Say, a week to change
the direction of his show

so you like it?

She's mulling.

- What if I don't want to
change the direction of my show?

- Oh, d*ck, I wish
you hadn't said that.

Oh, Paul?

- Psst, d*ck.

I'm not afraid to take
an unpopular position.

I like you.

That's why I'm giving you this.

- "A list of guests guaranteed
to appeal to Baby Steph."

Who's... who's Helen Badaglia?

- A wet nurse.

- You expect me to
interview a-a woman

wh-whose breasts are for hire?

- d*ck, trust me.

Lean on me.

Those marketable mammaries
can be your meal ticket.

- Michael, you're a boob.

- Hi, I'm Larry. This
is my brother, Darryl.

And this is my
other brother, Darryl.

- Larry, is this important?

- As philosopher
Jean-Paul Sartre

once imparted to Darryl

in a French bistro
on the Left Bank,

nothing is really
that important.

Then he stiffed
Darryl with the bar tab.

But we're not here
to ramble existentially.

We're here to save d*ck's
show from dying on the vine.

- My show is not dying.

- Of course, you're
right. We're wrong.

As long as he has the
steak Kn*fe in his hand,

we better humor him.

- I think you've already
got one foot off the ledge.

If the boys allege
to have a hedge

that'll give you an
edge, I'd like to hear it.

"A list of Darryl's
personal friends

"who could save d*ck's
show from dying on the vine."

Billie Holiday.

Billie Holiday is... is dead.

- That explains why she
ain't had us over lately

for carrot cake
and sing-a-longs.

- Wait, here's someone
who is still with us.

George McGovern.

Senator George McGovern?

How... how did Darryl get
to know George McGovern?

- Well, due to his extraordinary
campaign strategies,

Darryl was responsible for
McGovern's landslide victory

in the '72
presidential election.

- Guys, McGovern, uh, he
sort of lost to Nixon that year.

- Oh?

Well, I guess that explains
why Darryl hasn't been invited

to The White House for
carrot cake and sing-a-longs.

- Y-You could really get
George McGovern on my show?

- Whoa, d*ck, what have
we been talking about?

The baby's not gonna
relate to a politico.

Unless, this McGovern,
does he do funny faces?

- Maybe you'd like it better
if he... if he wore a silly hat.

Or... or better yet,
dressed up as a pickle.

- d*ck, it'll take
at least two weeks

to get a good pickle
costume made.

- And thank you so much for
the long-stemmed red roses.

I'll put them right
on the new wet bar

you had installed for me.

- Wet bar?

I don't even... I don't
even have a toilet!

- Thanks for booking
this politician guy, d*ck.

Baby Stephanie's going to
have me working overtime.

- By the way, Pauley,

I left some wingtips
by your locker.

I stepped in
something this morning,

see what you can do.

In five, four, three, two...

And now it's Vermont
Today, starring d*ck Loudon.

- Wel-Welcome... welcome
to... to Vermont Today.

I'm... I'm d*ck Loudon,
and it's a privilege to have,

as my special guest,

the former senator from South
Dakota, George McGovern.

Wel-Welcome, Senator.

- Thank you, d*ck. It's
a pleasure to be here.

- You know, there's a...
There's a burning question

I-I've got to ask you.

What was it like to run f-for
president of the United States?

- Well, it was a pretty
interesting experience.

But it was also a
lot of hard work.

- Oh, I'll... I'll bet.

So, uh, so you're saying
that... that it was, uh...

it was interesting and, uh...

at... at the same time
hard, uh, hard work.

- That, uh... that
pretty well sums it up.

- Her feet are going
a mile a minute.

- Those two don't
jazz things up,

she's going to pull the plug.

- What's with that d*ck?

I throw a wet nurse in his face

and he doesn't even bite.

- Senator...
- d*ck, we have to confab.

- Go away.

- Everything all right?

- Yes, yes.

This man, he just... he wants
to get your... your autograph.

He's a, uh, he's a-a liberal.

- Really?

He looks like a
shallow, self-centered,

materialistic yuppie to me.

- Thanks!

- Get off the stage.

- d*ck, the red flag's a-flying.

Now, if you don't pique
my infant's interest soon,

she'll have Buddy
pull the pluggy.

- You know, I-I'm sure a-a
lot of our younger viewers

would like to know
a-about your childhood.

When you were a kid,

did you ever think about
what it... what it would be like

to run for... for president
o-of the United States?

- I think I thought it
would be interesting.

But also a lot of hard work.

- Wow!

Oh... oh my God. Uh...

- Is something wrong, d*ck?

- I, uh... call me...
call me Dickie-poo.

- Dickie-poo?

- Or d*ck-a-dee or d*ck-a-dile.

Dicky-wicky.

Just... just take your pickie.

- Well, uh, Dicky-wicky...

I thought maybe
we could talk about

the state of the union under
the present administration.

- Alrighty-roonie.

Can... can we, uh...

can... can we do it while
we... while we... we do this?

- What? Why are
you acting like this?

- Because it's fun!

- You, uh...

you have some medical problems?

- No, no, I'm just naturally
happy Dicky-wicky.

Come on, Georgy-worgy,
rub your tummy.

I'll... I'll be your
best friend.

- You mean like this?

- Sen-Senator,
uh, pl-please stop.

- But this is fun!

- I'm, uh, I'm terribly sorry.

Look.

Some people encouraged
me to go after the youth market,

but, I mean,

if it means making a man
of your stature look idiotic,

I-I just... I just won't do it.

Now l-let's get back to
our political discussion.

How did your wife feel when
you decided to run f-for president?

- Well, I think she
found it interesting.

But also a lot of hard work.

Well, uh, I see
we've run out of time.

This is, uh, this is d*ck
Loudon thanking my guest,

Senator George
McGovern, and saying...

goodbye forever.

And now the headlines.

A lot of really bad
stuff happened today.

But we don't want to
hear about that, do we?

No, no, no, we don't.

We want to hear happy stuff.

Well, Wittle Niki Learner caught
a wittle yellow butterfly today.

And it was sooooo pwetty.

And Niki was soooo happy.

- Boy, what a scoop!

Hi, d*ck.

Sorry about the really bad
stuff that happened to you today.

The news reporter said
you'll probably be replaced

by Wittle Niki Learner.

- Well, we're all going to
miss d*ck's show terribly.

But there is some good news.

The baby gave me a company car.

- Just for kissing up?

It's a mockery.

Where's the car?
Where's the car?

- Outside, wanna go for a spin?

- Oh, boy! Do I?

It's a mockery.

Coming up next, Potty Patter

with your host,
Wittle Niki Learner.

- Oh, look who's here.

It's Dicky-wicky.

- It's d*ck. I had it
legally changed back.

- We held a behind-closed-doors
session with Baby Stephie

and well, she's wavering.

- I don't care, she's
not my boss anymore.

- Fine, if you don't mind
losing your TV show.

Michael, come on, let's go
warm up the baby's bottle.

- We'll be right back.

Keep a peeper on our pisher.

- I think what you're
doing is unfair.

All right, all right,
maybe you...

maybe you do know what you like.

But, I mean, I'm aiming
for an audience who can,

you know, walk and talk.

Well, s-sure, you know,

you can go on about your...
your... your demographics

and your... your TVQ.

But, I-I mean, th-there's room
f-for shows with substance.

So you agree?

You know, I mean, you know,

th-there are enough
dumb programs on the air.

Like Joanna's.

But I... I think if you watched
Vermont Today regularly

you... you might
grow to... to like it.

Look, I-I don't want to
take any more of your time.

Can... can I have
my... my show or not?

Oh, thanks, boss!

You're okay!

Yes, you are!

Yes, you are!

- Meow.