08x20 - Handymania

[bunniefuu]

- Sorry, Michael.

You landed on
"lose a turn" again.

- Dratsy.

- Your... your spin, George.

The category is 19th
century Russian literature.

- Finally, an easy one.

That last one about
Norwegian sea chanties

from the 15th
century was a k*ller.

- "Name the brothers in
The Brothers Karamazov ."

- Ernest and Julio?

- No, that would be
the Brothers Gallo.

- At this rate, I'll never
get off the start square.

- Well, at least you have
Joanna to keep you company.

- The fun's in the
playing, not the winning.

- I'll have to remember
that lame excuse

if I ever miss a question.

- Your spin, spouse.

Giddyup, girl, you
landed on Kentucky Derby

winners of the 1920s.

- "Flying Ebony won
the Derby in 1925.

"What... what color
uniform did his jockey wear?"

- Ecru.

- That's right.

How did you know that?

- Well, Flying Ebony
sounds like a black horse

and I know whenever I
wear my black Valentino,

I like to accessorize
with something ecru,

and I tend to
believe most jockeys

have the same
fashion sense I do.

- Okay. Fun facts
about South Dakota.

- Okay, let's find South Dakota.

"What is the average
annual precipitation

"in Huron, South Dakota?"

I already know the
answer to that one.

I'm a... I'm a big fan of
the Weather Channel.

- Good, honey.
Okay, I'll take a guess.

Let's see,

20 inches.

- Right, like it's going
to rain in round numbers.

- The a-answer, of
course, is, uh, 18.66 inches.

Yep, right again.

I-I do know my weather.

- Oh, shut up, d*ck.

- Phew, lose a turn.

At least I don't
have to look stupid

like the rest of you guys.

- Itty bitty mammals.

- "What is the ittiest bittiest
mammal in the world?"

- Oh, I don't know.

Emmanuel Lewis?

- I-I think it's
the... the shrew,

but I'll just check
to make sure.

Yeah, I'm right again.

- Where'd you learn that,
the Mammal Channel?

- I hate this game. You
have to think too hard.

- That's why it's called
Big Bulging Brains.

- Whatever happened to all
the simple old fashioned games?

Where did they go?

You didn't need
big bulging brains

to play hopscotch.

- All you needed
were big bulging feet.

- Well, those were the days.

There wasn't a girl around

who had the guts to
challenge my swollen dogs.

- See Joanna, when
a low-pressure front

runs into a high-pressure front,

you get what's
called precipitation.

Now let me...

Let me show you
how God makes wind.

- Great, I married Mr. Wizard.

- Don't mind us.
Just passing through.

Keep your seats.
Just passing through.

- I see you've been
marketing in our kitchen.

- Well, the weather was
too yucky to go to the store,

so we just took a few
items from your fridge.

- But only staples, you
know, milk, soft drinks, eggs,

an eight-pound honey glazed ham.

- I-In other words,
you're robbing us blind.

- If we were stealing,
we wouldn't be doing it

right under your
noses, would we?

- So... so it's more
like... like borrowing?

- No.

- You see, borrowing
implies returning

and that's not likely.

- Oh, I went to the trouble
of jotting down a few things

you've run out of.

- Oh, I had no idea we'd
gone through all the baby food.

- Yeah, th-that's
my fault, Joanna.

I went on another one of
my strained carrot binges.

- Tooty fruity oh, rooty,
we forgot the tofu-dy.

- I'll get it.
- Let me help.

And while we're in
the kitchen I'll teach you

how to play grocery
shopping in reverse.

- Remember how upset I was

that time we played
Big Bulging Brains?

- Vaguely, you mean about
an hour and a half ago?

- Well, I've just invented
a brand-new board game.

I'm calling it Handyman.

See, each square is a
chore I do here at the inn.

- And you play
with... with wingnuts?

- I was going to use old nails,

but I was afraid the
players might get tetanus.

First, you roll the die
and move like this.

- "Fix water heater,
get nine points."

- "Put up storm
windows, get nine points."

"Take down storm
windows, get nine points."

"Paint d*ck's study
without dripping on him,

"get nine points."

- I'm sensing a-a trend here.

- Why nine points?

- Like I'd paint a whole
study for four points?

Anyway, you keep
going around and around

and around the board,

thousands and
thousands of times.

- Until you get dizzy and vomit.

- No, until you get
to one million points.

- And... and then?

- You put the game away.

I figured we could play
Handyman around the inn,

you know, to escape
that daily drudgery.

- Around the inn?
Try around the world.

Georgie-es-fog, this game
is breathtakingly beautiful

in its simplicity.

- It's simple all right.

- I've got this game's
game plan all mapped out.

Step one, we go local.

Two, national.

Step three, we buy
me a really big house.

Step four, we go international

and before you can
say Milton Bradley,

you'll be jetsetting in
your own Lear, dear,

nibbling at the napes of
six-foot bronzed showgirls.

- Hear that, d*ck? I'll
be nibbling showgirls!

- Well, it... it
seems to follow.

- Come on, partner. Let's
toddle off to Toy Town

and demo Handyman,

the new feel-good
game of the decade.

- Coming, d*ck?
- Of course he's coming.

Now, while George and I are
schmoozing with the manager,

you and Little Papoosey
will innocently wander over,

spot the game, and
gush your brains out.

Kvell like you've
never kvelled before.

- Find yourself another kveller.

I'm not going to be your shill.

- Don't you care if I sell
my game, get famous,

and find the happiness
that's eluded me

my whole pathetic life?

- You... you really
want those showgirls,

don't you George?

- Oh God, yes.

- All right, I'll kvell.

- Go browse. When I
cough, that's your cue.

- What a waste of time.

I could be watching the...
the Weather Channel.

- Good day, good fellow.

We'd... we'd like a mo with Mom.

- You're looking at him.

- You're Mom?

- Yeah, it's a franchise.

I think the name creates a
warm, friendly atmosphere.

Hey kid, you touch
them, I break your fingers.

- Mom, my main man,
I'm Michael Harris.

You're George Utley
there, creator of Handyman,

the brilliant new board game

that's guaranteed
to amuse the masses

while amassing you moolah.

George, show Mom your wingnuts.

- Yeah, they're nice enough
nuts, but will they sell?

- Well, let's ask an amazingly
average consumer and find out.

- I'm an average consumer.

I have two children,
a sheep dog,

and a Jeep Cherokee.

Oh, and my husband and
I make love once a week,

right after Dallas.

- The average consumer
has 2.5 children.

Come back when you're pregnant.

Well, here's an
amazingly average man

out toy shopping with his child.

What is your name, sir?

- d*ck.

- Well, what an
amazingly average name,

with an amazingly
above average child.

- Great, when you consider

how amazingly below
average the father is.

- So, what do you think
of these fancy nuts?

- They're breathtakingly
beautiful in their simplicity.

Isn't there a game board

that's supposed to go
with these fine nuts?

- Uh... oh, right. Rick, is it?

- d*ck!

- See, I call it Handyman
and you roll the die

and move your nut and
go around and around,

thousands and thousands of times

until you reach a million.

- Don't you want to buy
this revolutionary product?

- Oh yeah, I forgot.

How much?

- Twenty bucks.

- For some wingnuts
and a piece of cardboard?

- All right, 18.

- It comes with a little pencil.

- Well, you know, if it
comes with a little pencil.

- Oh, and I noticed
your adorable daughter

eyeing this earlier.

- That's my granddaughter.

Why don't we let her
father buy it for her?

- That Handyman
game looks wonderful.

I'd like to buy one for
my average little son.

- Sorry, I just
sold the last one.

Come back tomorrow,
I'll have plenty more.

- Right, Utley?
- Right, Mom.

- Heavens be praised,
Handymania has hit.

- You forgot my change.

- Mom don't give change.

Grab some clay.

- d*ck don't want clay.

- Then d*ck get nothing.

Hey, you took too much clay.

Hey, you get back here

or I'll call the cops.

- "Remove dead mouse
from trap behind front desk,

"nine points."

- Looks like you've got about
18 points back here, George.

- I'll get to them, d*ck.

Mom sold out my first
set of games in an hour

and wants 50 more ASAP.

Wow, this road to fame

is not all bright lights
and bronzed showgirls.

- I hear you, George.

My... my road to fame
was pretty bumpy too.

- What fame?

People don't really
buy your books,

and most of your Vermont
Today audience is shut-ins.

- Well, I've worked
hard to corner

the shut-in market, George.

- You're sounding
a little pathetic, d*ck.

Tell you what, you can
live vicariously through me.

- Thanks, George.

- There he is, Jim, the
genius behind Handyman.

Hate to intrude, George,

but will you autograph
our Handyman board?

- Wow, my first board signing.
What should I say, d*ck?

- How about, "There's a
sucker born every minute"?

- Pay him no heed, George.

He's just jealous of
your newfound celebrity.

- Doesn't it eat away at you

that you live vicariously
through George?

- What do you want me to
do, live vicariously through you?

- No, Chester lives
vicariously through me.

- And I enjoy it thoroughly.

- Come on, Chester, let's
set up the board and start in.

- You're playing here?

- Where better?

This way when we have
to re-varnish the banister,

all we have to
do is lift our heads

and gaze upon the real thing.

- Good day.

We're the world weary Stupaks,
Dr. Charles and Dr. Lydia.

- Well, I'm the Vermont
weary Loudon, Mr. d*ck.

- Did he just borrow
your quip, Charles?

- Simple mimicry, dearest.

Monkey see, monkey do.

- Well, what can this
monkey do for you?

- We'd like your
most tranquil room,

far from the general hubbub.

- Well, all... all our rooms
are without hubbub, bub.

- "Refinish bookcase,
get nine points."

- What's all the hubbub, bubs?

- We're playing Handyman,

the feel-good
game of the decade.

- How amusing.

Where does one purchase one
of these mindless diversions?

- From the mindless one himself.

- Gee, Mom is supposed
to sell these for me.

- Well, here's 50 dollars.

Go buy the old dowager a shawl.

- Oh, thanks. He'll love it.

- Look, d*ck.

I bought the last Handyman
game Mom had in stock.

- Why... why didn't
you buy it from George?

- Oho! George doesn't
give clay as change.

- Oh, have you met the
world weary Stupaks?

- Oh, hello.

- How do?

- Oh, I see you're caught up
in the Handyman craze too.

- It's the perfect remedy
for our urban angst.

- Stop babbling,
Lydia. Roll the die.

- All right, fork
it over, woman.

- Fork over what, Mr. Rusnak?

- Mom was holding the
last Handyman game for me.

I have the
raincheck to prove it.

- There must be some mistake.

Why don't we discuss
it over a game?

- Okay, but I go first.

- Why?

- Because I'm the man.

- So, how's... how's...
how's everything going?

- Shh!

- Sorry. Far be it
for me to be rude

to a room full of
uninvited guests.

- d*ck, do you mind?

- Stephanie, don't you
think you'd find that game

more challenging, you
know, if you had an opponent?

- And have somebody
else's grubby little fingers

touching my die?

Ew.

- "Clean gutter, nine points."

"Repair furnace, nine points."

"Fix faucet, nine points."

Get lost, d*ck, nine points.

"Replace windowpane."

- Mr. Rusnak, I got
a nine, not a zero.

- It's a nine with a
conservative loop.

- Maybe I should keep score.

- Woman can't add.
They can only multiply.

- Ah, aha, ahahaha...

- What kind of a cr*ck is that?

- Oh, I didn't... I didn't
see you guys come in.

- Hi!

I'm Larry. This is
my brother, Darryl,

and this is my
other brother, Darryl.

- The boys seem pretty engrossed
i-in their game o-of Handyman.

- Their competitiveness harkens
back to their prep school days.

After one particularly
fierce game of cricket,

they went an entire trimester

without so much as
saying a word to each other.

- They're usually so... so
damn chatty, you know?

- Darryl, stop waving that mouse
carcass in your brother's face.

I better get back to
my scorekeeping duties.

Maybe soon they'll
break their zero-to-zero tie.

- Guys, i-it might help, you
know, if you rolled the die

instead of that...
that lump of clay.

- Jim, why do you have
to press down so hard?

If you break that pencil,

Mom said we have to
buy a whole new game.

- Couldn't we just buy a
new pencil and not tell Mom?

- d*ck, you didn't hear that.

And here's a little something

to make sure that
mouth of yours stays shut.

- Well, I've never been
plied with clay before.

- d*ck, take a minute
and look around.

What do you see?

- I see idiots, George.

- Holy house of games,

this hotel's a hotbed
of Handymania.

- How'd it go with that game
manufacturer in New York?

- Toy-riffic.

- What did they love the
most? Its beauty or its simplicity?

- Well, the chiefs are still
powwowing on that as we speak,

but listen up.

They want 20,000 games
produced pronto, Tonto.

- Twenty thousand?
Hear that, d*ck?

Handymania is going
to sweep the nation.

- This means goodbye.

- No, don't worry, d*ck.

No matter how big
my toy empire gets,

I'll be in touch
with you every day,

car phone to car phone.

- George, I-I don't
have a car phone.

- Then I guess this is goodbye.

- A million points.

I got Handyman.

I got Handyman.

- Hold on.

Hold on there, Chester.

On examining your
score more closely,

it seems you got
a million and eight.

- What?

- Well, I'll re-add,
nine and nine are 18.

- It just occurred to me,

one million is not
divisible by nine.

This game is flawed.

- Fatally flawed.

- What a stupid, stupid game.

- I feel so used.

- W-Wait a minute,
this is ridiculous.

I mean, i-if this is so
upsetting to all of you,

then the one w-who gets
to a million and eight wins.

- You can't change the
rules on a whim, d*ck.

It's clearly stated
on the board,

the first handy guy or handy gal

who gets a million wins.

- That's the rule.
I wrote it myself.

- This game is a sham.

- And a travesty.

- I've never been so upset.

- And if I had my thesaurus,
I'd really nail you to the wall.

- Come, Charles.

- A-Aren't you
going to check in?

We'd rather check
out, little man.

- I-I prefer "little
monkey man"!

- And to think, I literally kissed
the ground you walked on.

- My brothers would stick their
tongues out at you in derision,

but their mouths
are filled with clay.

- You blew it, toy man.

I was going to name
my next child Wingnut.

- I pin my hopes
on the Utley star

and then I hear you
can't do long division.

- Keep the change.

- Ah, ch-cheer up, George.
I mean, y-you did have,

you know, your
15 minutes of fame.

- Oh, what good is
fame if you can't share it

with a six-foot-tall
bronzed showgirl?

- Y-You got me there.

- Hey, d*ck?

- Yeah, George?

- Remember when I was
the guy who invented a game

that had the whole town buzzing?

- You know, it seems
like only seconds ago.

- Well, look at me now.

I'm a broken shell of a man

with nothing but
just a lump of clay.

- Well, now you've
got two, George.

- You think this is enough
to get me a showgirl?

- No, but you could
start building one.

- Hey.

- Meow.