08x21 - d*ck and Tim

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Newhart". Aired: October 25, 1982, - May 21, 1990.*
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d*ck Loudon and wife Joanna relocate from New York City to a small town in Vermont, where they run the historic Stafford Inn.
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08x21 - d*ck and Tim

Post by bunniefuu »

- Have you guys
seen the tweezers?

- Your eyebrows getting
a-a bit bushy there, George?

- My eyebrows are
perfectly arched.

I've had this splinter in my
finger for three days now.

I know wood could be
dangerous, but you always figure

it's something that's going
to happen to the other guy.

- Hi-dee-ho, my duo dos.

How's my ailing woodsman?

Still sporting
lumber in that limb?

- Yes, and thanks for caring.

d*ck doesn't seem
to give a damn.

- I'm surprised at you.

Don't you remember
what I taught you

about fake compassion?

- No. I-I remember your lesson

on insincere compliments.

By the way, you... You're
my reason for living.

- Thank you.

- Mehopes that finger
splint won't cause you

to sprint from tonight.

- Oh, nothing can keep me
away from one of our poker games,

except if I get another of
those repulsive canker sores.

- You guys... You
guys play poker?

Wh-What time do you start?

- Oh, uh, three in the morning.

- Perfect, I, uh, I
usually get up at two.

- Actually, we start at nine,

though we usually
get there at eight

for an hour of man talk.

- I've heard their man talk.

They argue about
who makes the best dip.

- There's no argument.

Some people are reckless
when it comes to adding dill.

- Well, you're out
of your avocado.

My dill dip is to die for.

- It can have that effect.

- Girls, save it for
your game, okay?

- So, you... you have room
for... for another player?

- Well, we already have six.

There's me and Michael, Larry,
Darryl, Darryl, and Tim Conway.

- Tim Conway? The Tim Conway?

- You wouldn't be so
impressed if you tasted his dip.

I've said to him over and over,
"Tim, go easy on the paprika."

- How... how do you guys
know Tim... Tim Conway?

- Oh, the Darryls know him
from when they were producing

The Carol Burnett Show.

- I-I-I can't believe that

you guys n-never told me
about th-this poker game.

You know, I bet...
I bet Tim and I

would be good friends, you know.

I mean, we both have a kind
of offbeat sense of humor and...

we, you know, we
both like paprika.

- No. We don't think

you should play with us, d*ck.

You know how weird
you get around superstars.

- George, I-I think you're
confusing me with Lucy Ricardo.

Besides, I-I make
a-a dip that is so zesty,

the night that I
served it to Joanna,

she agreed to marry me.

- See you at eight.
Use lots of dill.

- See you at eight.
Don't use any dill.

- Where are you going?

- Oh, I'm going to make
my... my special dip

so I can play cards tonight.

- You're making our
dip for someone else?

- Well, it won't
exactly be o-our dip

because th-there won't
be an engagement ring

at the bottom of the bowl.

- Hello, Stephanie, Joanna.

- Hi, Miss Goddard.
- Hi.

- I'm not here in my
professional capacity

as town librarian.

I'm here as a depressed woman
who needs to talk to someone

about her feelings.

- Well, I pride myself
on being a good listener.

But only when I'm the
topic of conversation.

See ya.

- I need two people to hear
my emotional outpouring.

I have a lot of guts to spill.

- Well, as long as you
say it pretty like that.

- Well, today is
my 25th birthday,

and I don't have a date.

It's the first time this has
happened since I was 6.

I went on this hayride
with Billy Miller.

He was 6 also,

yet he had the body
of an 8-year-old.

Anyway, you can see
why I'm depressed.

- You're only 25?

- Yes. Does that surprise you?

- Nope, not at all.

Uh-uh, the fact that
I'm still talking proves

I'm not speechless.

- Lou, my auto mechanic friend,

was supposed to
take me out tonight,

but at the last minute
his wife put her foot down.

- Some wives can
be so possessive.

- Until now, I've never
been without a man in my life.

My dance card's always
been full, so to speak.

In fact, there have been
weekends when my dance card

has become all
sweaty from overuse.

- Well, there's no law that
says you have to spend

your birthday with a man.

Yeah, why not spend it
with Stephanie and me?

- Or better still,

why not spend it
with just Joanna?

- Come on,
Stephanie, it'll be fun,

the three of us
having birthday cake,

champagne, a little girl talk.

Maybe we'll even tell
some off-color jokes.

- Well, I guess there are
worse ways to spend an evening

than telling dirty jokes
with two pitiful women.

- Now what can this be?

There are no moving parts.

Is it doilies?

- No, not doilies either.

- So, we've eliminated
a brick of wax,

a box of rye crisp, and doilies.

And you did say it was
something I would like

but it doesn't
resemble a body part.

- What can this be?
- Well...

- Oh, why don't
you just open it,

like a normal person?

- I thought we were
trying to have fun.

I guess I was mistaken.

Oh, a book.

How wonderful.

A librarian can never
get her fill of these.

- Good going, Joanna.

When my birthday
comes, think gift certificate.

- Well, we didn't come
here to insult each other.

- We didn't?

- No. We came to celebrate
Miss Goddard's birthday

and have an
evening of girl talk.

Ah, let's make a list of the
sexiest male movie stars.

Right on top would have to
be Sean Connery, oh yeah.

I mean, even without
hair, this guy is gorgeous.

Sean...
- I got your nose.

I got your nose.

- Sometimes it isn't
easy to hide a hickey.

I've tried everything,
makeup, a Band-Aid,

a leather collar
with metal studs.

- I think I'd have to add
John Goodman to the list.

He might be a little
chunky, but he is so cuddly.

John...

Hi, Miss Goddard.

- Ted, this is a surprise.
A very pleasant surprise.

- Lou felt bad about
standing you up,

so he sent me in his
place. You want a massage?

- Ick.

- Ted, really?

Besides, neither of us can
take our clothes off here.

If you like you
may sit next to me,

but you mustn't try anything.

- Okay, well, you
just say the word.

I'll be all over you
like rust on a muffler.

- Now, where were we?

- Well, I was talking
about sexy actors,

Stephanie was
grabbing the baby's nose,

and I believe you
were saying something

about a hickey.

- I see.

Oh, oh a sudden kink in my neck.

- Here, let Ted work his magic.

- Oh, oh yes.

Oh, oh, oh yes.

Oh, oh...

- Lovely party, Joanna.

Can baby say "Ew"?

- These chips are really tasty.

- Right.
- So crispy. You know,

you don't actually
need anything with them.

Just plain.

- You know, I-I
couldn't help but notice

no one has touched my dip.

- Yours truly took a
taste test earlier, d*ck-itos.

And I must say,
dippity-doo-da, dip-be-doo-doo.

- My brothers and I
couldn't get close enough

for a taste due to
the blinding smell.

Can you see again, Darryl?

- Tim's here. I'd
recognize the sound

of that battered
old Yugo anywhere.

- Oh, right, right, Tim...
Tim Conway drives a Yugo.

That's a good one, George.

- Sorry I'm late, guys.

Took the long way so I
wouldn't have to pay the toll.

You know, if you
can save a quarter

by cutting across somebody's
back yard, why not?

Who's the guy laughing
at the straight lines?

- That's... that's d*ck Loudon.
He promised he'd behave.

- Hi, Tim. I'm a
big, big fan of yours.

I think I've seen everything
you've... you've ever done.

- Really? Oh yeah,

did you see my TV series Rango?

- No.

- Ace Crawford, Private Eye?

- No.

- Turn-On?
- No.

- Some fan.

What d*ed and became dip?

- d*ck made that.

Darryl thinks it's a
derivative of mustard gas.

- Let's get going here, huh?

You know, I spent three
dollars on gas to get over here,

so the sooner I win it back,
the sooner I'll stop shaking.

- Okay, everybody, let's
ante up your ten-cent pieces.

- Oh, by the way,
Darryl now considers

bluffing to be a sin.

So he'll occasionally
be engaging in

self-flagellation.

- All right, everybody,
show Pappy what you got.

- H-H-Hold it.

Pappy, what... what happened...
What happened to raising?

- Raising?

d*ck, these aren't
matchsticks we're playing for.

These are real dimes.

- Raising is verboten
in this casino.

Where do you think you are,
Fabulous Laughlin, Nevada?

- Well, wh-what kind of
game is it i-if you can't raise?

What are we playing,
remedial poker?

- Okay, okay, okay, let
him raise, all right? Huh?

I mean, what's it going
to cost us, another nickel?

- Actually, a quarter.

- A quarter! Oh boy.

That's it, I'm out of here.

Oh yeah. Yes sir,
you've got yourself

a gambling problem here, mister.

Yes sir, you ought to
get professional help.

- I'm gone, boys.
- Tim, please don't go.

- No, no. Oh no, my
little change purse

is not safe as long
as he's still breathing.

- d*ck, stop breathing.

You're ruining things
for everyone else.

- Is there a cheap place
in town to eat here, boys?

- Danny's Diner out on Route 14.

You can get a whole
meal for under three dollars.

- Oh, well, maybe
I'll just have the soup.

- All... all I I did was...
was raise a quarter.

- Oh, how could we have
told d*ck about this game?

It was the promise of dip
that clouded our thinking.

- The only bright
spot I can find

is that it wasn't my
loose-lipped brothers

who spilled the
proverbial beans.

Any chance they get
to make that gesture,

they take advantage of it.

The last time seemed gratuitous.

- Why am I getting
all the blame?

I mean, y-you have to
admit th-that Tim Conway

is a... is a bit o-on
the cheap side.

- Stop trying to
pass the buck, bucko.

Everything was hunky-dory
until you walked into the party

and watched yourself gavotte.

- Watched myself what?

- Can't help you there. Don't
know what it means either.

- Gavotte is a French
peasant dance,

resembling the minuet.

The word was used incorrectly
in a popular Carly Simon song.

I wrote several letters
telling her of her mistake

and was finally rewarded
with a cease and desist order.

- All I know is Tim Conway
came here every Saturday

for over a year
and life was good.

Then along came d*ck.

- All right. All
right, i-if you want,

I-I'll go to Danny's Diner

and apologize to Tim
for... for raising in poker.

- Good. Good idea.
- I think you should.

Tell him you did it because
you're a codependent.

It's supposedly the
very latest in excuses.

- Here's your hot water.

- Thank you.

- Sure you don't
want a meal with that?

- No, no. no. No thank you.

Oh, excuse me, here you go.

Let's see, that's for you.

- What's this?

- It's your tip.

Well, you can get
a half a penny for it

down at the recycling center.

- Gee, thanks.

Can I get you anything
else, Mr. Aluminum Tycoon?

- Oh, I'll tell you what,

can I have a slice
of lemon, please?

Better yet, bring
me a whole lemon.

And any complementary
fruits in season,

and some of those
packages of jellies and jams,

and the mustards and
the ketchups. Okay?

And some artificial
sweeteners, don't forget.

Oh, they're here,
never mind, I got them.

- Hi. Hi, Tim.

- Oh, you're that card
shark that tried to steal

my money over there, huh?

- I-I'm sorry... sorry
about that, but sometimes

when I-I look at
a quarter, I forget

that it, you know, it
represents 25 cents.

- Oh, my god, my teabag.

Oh, it's all right.

It's okay.

Boy, I've had
that since October.

- Excuse me, Mr. Conway,
can I get your autograph?

- Will you buy me a cup of soup?

- Hey, I'll buy you a bowl.

- Yeah! All right.

Yo, hey, bring
me a bowl of soup,

will you please? Yeah.

And throw a lobster
in it, will you? Yeah.

And he's paying.

- Okay, there you go.
- Thanks.

My wife wants to
know if you're anybody.

- Well, I am the... the
host of... of Vermont Today.

- He's nobody.

- Here you go.
- Oh!

Here's your soup, your
lobster, and your condiments.

- Oh, thanks.
- Bon appetit.

- Great. Oh, here...
here... here you go.

Here you go. There's a
copy of my latest video,

Dorph Hunts the
Great White Minnow.

There you go.

- Gee, thanks.

- Excuse me, it's 30 bucks.

- Go to hell.
- Right.

- Isn't there anything I can do

to keep you coming
back to the... the game?

- Well, you can buy me
that apple pie over there.

- Wait, let me
get this straight.

If... if I buy you
that apple pie,

you'll come back
to playing poker?

- That pie is eight dollars.

- Miss, you want to wrap up
th-that pie for our friend here?

I'm paying.

- You probably want to
buy one of my videos here.

They're 30 dollars.

- Go to hell.
- Right.

- You know, one reason I-I
wanted to meet you is because

well, you know,
you have kind of a...

You have kind of an
offbeat sense of humor,

and you know, we would
just have so much in common,

you know, I thought we might,
you know, become friends.

Friends? Oh, boy.

Okay, why don't you
just hold that thought?

Okay, huh?

I have to go to the little
offbeat comedians' room.

Say listen, buddy,
could I borrow a dime

for the pay toilet?

You know, I'll pay you back
next week when we get together

and talk about being friends?

- Sure.

What friend, you know, would
let his friend crawl under a stall?

- Aww... thank you so much.

And listen, if I don't
see you in the future,

I'll see you in the pasture.

- That's a good one,
Tim. That's very funny.

I think I'll laugh until
the cows come home.

- Here's your pie.

That'll be eight dollars.

Cash only, no videotapes.

- Here you go.

D-Do your restrooms
have... have pay toilets?

- Yeah, why?

You doing a survey?

- No, no. I just
wanted to find out

if our... our friend
is trying to rip me off.

My keys.

My keys!

Tim's stealing my car!

Tim... Tim Conway is...
is... is stealing my car!

- Number 102,

Karl Malden.

He has a certain twinkle.

- Oh, that reminds me, sweetie.

Tomorrow we're going to the zoo.

Well, we'll be turning
in now, Joanna.

Thank you for inviting
us to your party.

We had a wonderful time.

Those are called
insincere compliments.

We use them on Joanna a lot.

- Well, I guess
I'll turn in too.

Happy birthday, Miss Goddard.

I hope I made my point about
not needing a man to have fun.

When our guests
come down for breakfast,

just throw a blanket
over yourselves.

- I can't believe that
Tim Conway stole...

my... my car.

You two wouldn't want to
buy some pie, would you?

- Meow.
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