08x22 - Father Goose

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Newhart". Aired: October 25, 1982, - May 21, 1990.*
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d*ck Loudon and wife Joanna relocate from New York City to a small town in Vermont, where they run the historic Stafford Inn.
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08x22 - Father Goose

Post by bunniefuu »

- James Ponderelli?

- No.
- No.

- Robert Wandry?

- God, no.
- God, no.

- Oh, hi ho, Jo-bee, d*ck-bee.

- Hi ho, Mike-bee, Steph-bee.

- I'll bee both.
- We bee fine.

- You early birds
looking for worms?

- Close. Actors.

We're casting the titular role
in the new PIV super series.

Oh baby Steph and I
just acquired the rights

to a classic piece of
American literature.

- Here Comes Giddy Goose.

What a coincidence,
I did my college thesis

on the symbolism in this book.

"Here comes Giddy Goose.

"Giddy, Giddy Goose.

"Giddy, Giddy, Giddy Goose.

"There goes Giddy Goose."

That is some twist
at the end there.

- I just love that goose.

- See, he comes, he's
giddy, and then he goes.

Book's a powderkeg of
nonstop action and high drama.

- It practically
screams miniseries.

- My first thought too.

But Richard Chamberlain
was too pricey,

and Barry Bostwick has
just too much darn hair.

So, part's wide open.

- Sounds like a nice
Saturday morning

children's show.

- JoJo, this ain't o Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtles.

I'm birthing this
bird on Sundays,

a lead-in for Vermont Today.

- Michael, I-I don't think
a goose show will attract

the same audience
as... as my talk show.

- Well, a little goosing is
just what your show needs.

- Meanwhile, could the
casting director take five minutes

and maybe get us some breakfast?

- Just pray your eight-by-ten
glossy never crosses my desk.

- This is Regis Dramon.

- Oh, it is.

Remember when we saw
his Petruchio in the park?

- Good God, I hope
he was arrested.

- No, he was applauded.

They were doing
Taming of the Shrew

in Central Park.

- He is an actor's actor.

- Well, this chap may have
stammered some pentameter,

but can he portray
a barnyard animal?

- I think the man who captured
the madness of Richard the III

can somehow capture
the giddiness of a goose.

- Well okay, I'll read him,

but a Tad Burrows he ain't.

What? No gasps of recognition?

He may not have played
this Pinocchio you rave about,

but this actor's
actor has graced

every major dinner theater
in Arizona and Florida.

- See, we only go
to dinner theaters

in Colorado and... and Utah.

- Well, he did do
Owl and the Pussycat

with Donna Pescow.

- Well, then he has
aviary experience,

assuming he played the owl.

- Well, mock if you must, but
serious dinner theater goers

everywhere break
into wild applause

at the mere mention
of Tad Burrows.

- Oh, Tad Burrows!

Will you ever forget
his Barefoot in the Park

with Peggy Cass?

- He was masterful.

- And the roast
beef was exquisite.

Does Tad still have
a sh*t at Giddy?

- Well, he's my fave,
though Picky Dicky here

is pushing some Regis Dramon.

- Never heard of him.

Has he ever performed
opposite Donna Pescow?

- No, but he has played
opposite Glenda Jackson

and Vanessa Redgrave.

- Like, who's ever
heard of those broads?

- This resume reads
a little skimpy, Steve.

- Well, up 'til now, I've
been honing my craft,

first at Juilliard, then at
the Actor's Playhouse,

and for the last few years,
at the Royal Academy.

- Let's cut to the chase.

Have you played a goose?

- No.

But I did understudy
Thumper the Rabbit

in Disney on Ice.

- Impressive, but
a skating bunny

does not a giddy goose make.

Try the line, Stevie.

- "Hey, hey, hey, kids. Here
comes the next cartoon!"

- Too bunny-ish.

Honk for me, Stevie, honk.

- Honk!

- You call that a honking goose?
- Well, I grew up in New York.

The best I can do
is a honking cab.

- Thank you.

- Honk!
- Hit the trail, Thumper.

- Be prepared to
humiliate yourself.

- I always am.

- I hope you're
not here to grovel

for the goose part, d*ck-bird.

- No, I'm not. If
you don't mind,

I-I'd like to sit in
during Regis's audition.

I mean, to think that
one of the world's greatest

living actors is sitting
right out there in the lobby.

- You want to send in
the next piece of meat?

- Oh, Mr... Mr. Dramon,
I'm, uh, I'm d*ck Loudon.

I think that you are
so, so, uh... good.

- You, sir, are
exceedingly perceptive.

- You're schmoozing
the wrong schmoe, Joe.

Cast your line
in this direction.

- "Hey, hey, hey kids.

"Here comes the next cartoon.

"Honk!"

- I keep asking myself,

are American kids really
ready for a limey honker?

I think not.

- Trust me, Regis, you're...

You're too good for this.

- How right you are,
but television pales

in comparison to the
grandeur of the theater.

I want to be Giddy!

I want to be Giddy!

- Send in the fabulous
Tad Burrows, por favor.

Now take a gander
at a real goose.

Hi.

I'm Michael Harris,
CEO and VP of PIV.

This is my little helper, d*ck.

He... he likes to watch.

- You must be some talent

to spearhead a media
empire at your age.

- Now this is what
I call schmoozing.

- Now Tad, re your resume,

I see you've had
one stellar career

in the chow and bow circuit,

which leads us to
the burning question.

- I know, "Can Tad Burrows
play a talking goose?"

- Tad, weave your spell on it.

"Hey, hey, hey, kids.

"Here comes the next cartoon.

"Honk honk!"

- Genius. I mean,
for a nanosecond,

I actually thought there
was a goose in this room.

- Well, better be
careful where we walk.

- Dickers, we found our Giddy.

Now all we have to do is
parade you past our prez.

- Oh, I love a parade.

Honk!

- Say Tad, right now, our
prezzy is knocking back

a bottle and then
has to take a nap.

- Oh, to be that rich.

- Actually, my six-month-old
spriglet owns the station.

But not to worry, she'll
do flippies over you.

- Honk!

- Honk!
- Honk, honk!

- Oh, come on,
d*ck, honk with us.

- Oh, that's incredible.

- All done.

Finished your book yet?

- No. See, honey,

Gore Vidal's latest
novel is about

800 pages longer than
Here Comes Giddy Goose.

- Did you know Tad Burrows

played that dancing
distributor cap

in that sparkplug commercial?

- Oh, I guess versatility
is Tad's middle name.

- No, it's Jerome.

- I guess now we have a better
idea of why vaudeville d*ed.

- Evening, everyone.
- Hi!

- Or should I say, "Honk, honk"?

Oh, I feel so much
better after my nap.

You know George, the
mattress reminded me

of my mother's mashed potatoes.

- You mean, soft and fluffy?

- Nope, I mean, hard and lumpy.

- Hey d*ck, vaudeville's
making a comeback.

- Why don't the three
of you shuffle off to hell?

- Hi Michael, Stephanie.

- Tad, allow me to introduce
my spouse and spawn.

Mother, goose, papoose.

Well, wing it, Giddy-to-be.

- "Hey, hey, hey kids.

"Here comes the next cartoon.

"Honk, honk!"

- That gurgle guarantees it.

I hereby proclaim that Tad
Burrows is Giddy Goose.

- Would you like to
hold your new employer?

- I'd love to.

- Oh, I've never seen the
baby take to a stranger so.

- She usually spits up on d*ck.

- One more thing, d*ck-a-ding.

On this week's Vermont
Today, you'll be introducing

our Giddy to the world.

- No, no I won't.

Gore Vidal is my
scheduled guest.

I've spent the whole
week reading his book,

his unbelievably long book.

- Well, Stephanie
made me veto Vidal

the second she found
out it wasn't Sassoon.

- Well, maybe if your
Gore guy knew something

about hot oil treatments.

- I believe that baby's cooing.

- You've been
around babies before.

- Weren't you the Papa
Pimento in that olive commercial?

- Oh no, that was Regis Dramon.

- Best damn pimento I ever saw.

- But I do have a
son named Michael.

- Michael Burrows,
that's a manly moniker.

- Oh no, you see,
Burrows is my stage name.

My real name is Harris.

- Hey, cool, your son
and I have the same name.

- Hello, son.

- This can't be true.

- I'm afraid it is, son.
- Stop calling me son.

This man's an imposter.
He's a wolf in goose clothing.

- Look, I'm not surprised
you didn't recognize me.

I mean, after all, we
haven't seen each other

in over 30 years.

- Michael, I'm confused.

I thought you said your
father was blown to bits

by the Red Baron in a
catfight over Germany.

- That's dogfight, kitten.

- I believe the Red
Baron was World w*r I.

You were born in the fifties.

- Th-That means your
mother would have been

in labor 35 years.

- Maybe I liked it in there.

- Look, I know this is
a lot for you to take in,

but I am your father
and I have proof.

You have a small birthmark
in the shape of a mandolin

on your left buttock.

- He does?
- He sure does.

See, I was birdwatching
by Johnnycake Creek

last summer with a pair
of high-powered binoculars

and I just happened to
see Michael skinny dipping.

- Oh, my God, I was there too.

- And you don't have
a blemish on you.

Does she, d*ck?

- I-I-I was busy watching
the... the woodpeckers.

- You know Michael, there
is a certain resemblance

between the two of you.

I mean, the hair,
the height, the honk.

- Well maybe, just maybe,

you could have sowed
the seed that sired me, sir.

But if you did, where were
you during my wonder years?

- Look, your mom and I
were, we were just married

with a newborn baby.

But I was an actor.
What could I do?

I was forced to travel
from town to town,

playin' bit parts in lousy
rat infested dinner theaters.

- Gosh, you make it
sound so glamorous.

- Whenever I could, I'd
send home a couple of bucks

and maybe some
leftover dinner rolls.

- That's right, there was
never much meat in the house,

but there were always
crumbs in the mailbox.

- And then I got my big break,
the lead in Life with Father

at the Aurora Borealis dinner
theater in Nome, Alaska.

Look, I was planning to come
back to you and your mom

after a four-week run, but
well, my reviews were so good,

I just couldn't leave.

And then we were
extended... another 15 years.

Well, those pipeline workers
really love good theater.

- Well, I'm sure there's
no place like Nome.

But while you were
the toast of the tundra,

Mom and I were
eating stale dinner rolls

made soggy by our tears.

- Well, I don't know
about you fellows,

but I sure could go
for a nice tossed salad.

- But we just had dinner.

- I'll put Bac-O-Bits on it.

- Why did God make me so weak?

- Michael.

- Save your breath,
d*ck-ocrates.

I'm too upset for one
of your "Act mature"

and "Be forgiving" speeches.

- I was just going to say
your... your fly is open.

- Why did you have to come here

and shatter our
gingerbread lives?

You, you thespian.

- Look, I'm sorry.

I was only trying to put the
family back together again.

I saw your mom. I spoke to her.

She told me where to find you.

Then she told me where to go.

- Aw, save the soft pedal.

You just wanted the goose gig.

- Oh, stuff the goose.

I only came back to see
you and your daughter

and your knockout
of a charming wife.

- You know Michael, there's
something about this guy I like.

- Can't you ever find it in
your heart to forgive me?

- Look, as far as I'm
concerned, my father's body

was ripped apart
by enemy b*ll*ts

and eaten by German dingoes.

And I want to preserve
that beautiful memory.

- I see.

Oh well, I'll just
go pack my trunk

and head back to Nome.

They love me there, you know.

- Michael, say something.

- Wait.

Let's face it, you may
have laid an egg as a father,

but you're still
one hell of a goose.

- You mean, you're
not going to fire me?

- No, but I'm cutting
your salary in half

and giving you a very
small dressing room.

- I'll do you proud, son.

I mean, sir.

- Like father, like son.

Glad I had a girl.

- Michael, I just saw Tad
coming out of the broom closet.

- You mean his dressing room.

It's only temporary,
just until Bud gets out

of the third stall.

- That could be a while.

He borrowed my Gore Vidal.

Michael, you know, there
are going to be kids watching.

Tad won't be going on about
his personal problems, will he?

- Oh relax, d*ck.

The man's a pro.

What you'll be getting
is one big goose.

- Hi, Michael.

We just came by to see if
that goose still had you down.

- This is no time
for a fun pun, hon.

- In five, four, three, two...

- And now, it's Vermont
Today, starring d*ck Loudon.

- Hi, and welcome
to Vermont Today.

I'm your host, d*ck Loudon.

Today we have a special
surprise for all you Gore Vidal fans.

You can turn off your TV

and keep plowing
through his book,

because he's not here.

Instead, call the
kids in from outside

and get ready to meet
WPIV's newest star.

There's only one way to
introduce my next guest.

Here comes Giddy Goose.

- You want to wish
me good luck, son?

- I'm not your
son, I'm your boss

and you're my bird.

- Hey, hey, hey, d*ck.

Thanks for having
me on your show.

Honk.

- My pleasure, Mr. Goose,
or should I call you Giddy?

- Whatever.

- You don't seem
too, you know, giddy.

- Well, I've been having
some personal problems, d*ck.

- Look Giddy, I was assured
that you wouldn't be talking about...

- Well, you see,
I've got this son.

- Y-You mean... You
mean y-your gooselet?

- Right.

Anyway, he hates my guts.

See, I've just been getting
so involved in my own career,

flying most of my life from
one dinner theater to the next.

- You mean... You
mean bird sanctuaries.

- Yeah, that's right.

One week it was
Norman, Is That You?

Next week it was
Natalie Needs a Nightie.

Man, I sure played some toilets.

- You mean... you
mean birdbaths.

- Yeah, sure.

- Boy, I never knew
the Giddy character

had so much subtext.

- Oh, it's all
there in the book.

You just have to read
between the lines.

- I don't know, I just
began to hate myself.

I started chain smoking

and then I was downing
generic brand gin,

which did a real
number on my liver.

- You mean... you
mean your pâté.

- My life was one
stinking drinking hell.

- You might want to send
those kiddies back outside.

- You know, not a day went
by I didn't think of my wife,

my little gooselet.

Then I heard that he got
married and had his own gooselet.

All I wanted to
do was to see her.

Well, you can understand
why a goose would want to take

a gander at his
baby grand-goose.

- Well, sure, it's...
It's only... only human.

- So I came back home,

my tailfeathers between my legs.

Oh d*ck, why won't he
let me back into his nest?

Why?

Why? Why?

Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

- So, wh-what kind of
cartoons w-will you be showing?

- Holy analogies, I get it.

It took the wisdom of a
goose to make me see

how much he loves me.

Oh Cuppy, Tad's my dad.

- Fly to him, Michael.

Fly to him.

- I forgive you, my
fine feathered father.

- Oh Michael, I love you.

- I love you, Daddy.

- I love you more.

- If you, uh, if you want
to see more of Giddy

and his gaggle of
married gooselets,

tune in every Sunday
before Vermont Today.

This is d*ck Loudon.

Oh, what the hell.

- Hello.
- Hi, my name's Vernon Wilson.

- Wh-What can I
do for you, Vernon?

I'm estranged from my son too.

Did I mention we're
both chipmunks?

- Meow.
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