05x13 - Love Letters in the Mud

[bunniefuu]

Morning, Joanna.

Don't give me that.

Are-- are you the same Joanna
who usually sits here?

Don't try to ignore this, d*ck,

because after what you
did last night,

I have every right to be
angry with you.

When we went to bed last night,
you-- you weren't mad at me.

I must have been some demon
with those covers.

You spent the whole time
flirting with another woman.

When?

Last night. In my dream.

Ah. For a minute there I--

I thought you were
upset over nothing.

We were at a dinner party
eating sesame chicken,

and you spent the whole night
talking and flirting

with this brunette in a flowered
hat and ignoring me.

And-- and that was it?

Until your ears got big like
Dumbo's and you flapped away.

It was all so real.

But-- but it-- it was
just a dream.

I know it was just a dream,

but it feels like it
really happened.

But-- but it didn't.

But it's just the sort of
thing you would do.

Morning, d*ck. Morning, Joanna.

You know, George was there, and
he was mad at you, too.

I was? When?

In Joanna's dream.

Oh. I'm sorry, d*ck. Do
you forgive me?

Don't be silly, George.

You-- you don't have to
forgive people

for something they
did in a dream.

Right, Joanna?

Don't worry, d*ck. I'm not
really mad at you.

If I were, would I ask you
to come with me

to the Southern Vermont
Hardware Expo?

You might.

It's for closing night.

The Parade of the Power Mowers.

Oh, that-- that sounds
awfully tempting.

I was, uh, kind of hoping for
opening night, George.

Are you kidding? Just try
getting seats to Sprinklermania.

Hi. I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl, and
this is my other brother Darryl.

We was wondering if we might
chew the cud alone

with Miss Stephanie.

Go for it.

Hi, guys. How are you?

Speaking strictly for Yours
Truly: lovesick.

I know.

Miss Stephanie, I'll always have
an eternal pilot light burnin'

in my chestal cavity for you.

But since your dainty heart is
on temporary loan to another,

I've decided to pick
up the scent

of a different dating trail.

And lo and behold, my
nostrils hit the jackpot.

Good for you, Larry. See,
prayers are answered.

I didn't pray for this.

Well, the important thing
is one of us did.

Who is she?

A fetching young filly that
works at the bakery.

We was lured there

by an advertisement promisin'
bear claws.

It was just a come on.

When are you two going out?

Just as soon as she
knows I'm alive.

That's why I've come to you.

I need some brushing up on my
dating dos and don'ts.

Ah, gee, Larry. I'm so swamped.
Phew.

Maybe you should check a
teen magazine.

Well, there's some questions
that can't be answered in print.

For example, I've doused myself
in two different colognes.

All you need to do is take a
whiff and tell me which one

sets your female hide aquiver.

Ew. Ew!

Darryl, make a note. Porcupine
musk got the bigger response.

Now, as far as deodorant goes--

Ah, guys!

Could I take a rain
check on this?

So long as it's soon.

That bakery gal's got my heart
in a half nelson.

Come on, Darryl.

Hello, guys. And doll.

Oh, Michael. I've just been
through a nightmare

I don't ever care to re-live.

You've gotta help me.

Name it, Steph.

Help Larry get a girl.

Right. Now name something a
mortal could do. [ Laughs ]

Michael, I'm serious. Underneath
it all, Larry's nice.

He deserves to be with someone.

And I deserve not to be
that someone.

Now, he likes the girl at the
bakery. So will you help him?

Please, please, please? Or else?

Oh, Steph, when you thr*aten
like that, I'm putty.

Hola, muchachos.

Excuse me, but are you
here on purpose?

Believe me, nobody's more
surprised than me. [ Chuckles ]

But I'm here to do
you a big favor.

Sorry, but your
reputation as a wiseacre

forces us to say, "Sure."

Guys, guys, I'm sincere.

Stephanie asked me to help Larry
get his bakery gal.

Oh, now I see who's pulling his
strings. Okay. Help away.

All right. Now, why don't you
tell me what you plan to do,

and I'll critique.

Well, I figured I'd state my
case and, if the mood is right,

invite her for a romp in
the nearest bog.

To tell you the truth, Lar, uh,

few ' s gals are into
that bog thing.

Really? Well, what if I grease
my hair flat and slick,

take her out on a date,

claiming I'm Lorenzo Lamas, then
halfway through the evening,

break it to her that I am,
in truth, Larry?

Actually, Lar, I hear Lorenzo
gets real annoyed

at that kinda thing.

Oh, dear. So I should just burst
on the scene as myself.

Well, Larry, in your
particular case,

I don't think you wanna go with
a visual right off.

Uh, I know, how about, uh, we
write her a letter?

Okay. Darryl, fetch our
personal stationary.

The one with Snoopy and
the little bird.

Ha-- have a seat, Larry.

Okay, great. Now, uh, where
shall we start?

Well, seeing as I saw
Jolene on her nametag,

I suggest we go with
"Dear Miss Jolene."

Eh, better to go with a grabber.

How about, uh, "Hey, there,
dream date"?

Well, Darryl likes it, but
Darryl doesn't think it's me.

Larry, relationships
are hard enough

without getting bogged down in
honesty. [ Chuckles ]

"When I first made

peeper-to-peeper contact
with you at..."

Where'd you meet her?

Bakery.

"--Casa de Crullers, I
said to myself..."

"Twist of fate-a-rama"?

Now, uh, what's left to say?

Um, "I'd like to spend a
romantic evening with you

talkin' under the soft blue glow
of a sizzling bug zapper."

"Let's do brunch. Call me."

Now, how shall we sign off?

"I like you a lot, and that
ain't no joke."

You're kidding.

It's the truth.

Well, I suppose we
could get away

with a grain of that in there.
[ Chuckles ]

"I like you a lot, and that
ain't no joke."

Still needs a capper.

I got it.

Massive hug-a-roonies, your
ever-loving Love God, Larry.

Are you sure this kinda
talk gets girls?

Cross my aorta.

Oh, honey, great news.

You-- you interpreted your
dream all wrong.

It meant something completely
different than what you thought.

d*ck, be smart. Drop it.

E-- Everything in your dream
was something else.

The-- the sesame chicken
represented your--

your hunger for attention.

And-- and the lady in-- in the
flowered hat, uh,

represented your unresolved
differences towards your mother.

And I, of course, was really
the idealized male.

What about your Dumbo ears?

J-- Joanna, it was a dream.
Don't analyze it to death, okay?

d*ck, let me tell you my
interpretation.

The sesame chicken was
sesame chicken,

the woman in a flowered hat was
a woman in a flowered hat,

and you were a
wife-ignoring flirt.

Joanna, why don't you just tell
me what you want me to do?

I want an apology.

Joanna, that's ridiculous.

I-- I can't apologize

for something I did in a dream.

Well, I wish you'd try.

Last night you chased me
with a giant radish.

Oh, how typical!

You know, I-- I've been in
other people's dreams,

and I've been fine.

Oh, Stephanie, I've been meaning
to ask: do you think Michael

would be interested in going

to the Southern Vermont
Hardware Expo?

George, you realize
your invitation

contains the word "hardware"?

Oh, yeah. Right. Yeah.

Hi. Hi. Whoa.

Oh, dear. In the throes of
ecstasy, I forgot my manners.

Hi. I'm Larry. This is
my brother...

I-- I know, Larry. What are
you so excited about?

Look, I actually got a reply
from my letter to Miss Jolene.

And perfume-soaked to boot.
Smell.

You're not going to
get me again.

I have to thank you for bendin'
Michael to your will

and forcin' him to help me.

Anytime, Larry. What does
the letter say?

Well, leavin' out the sweet
nothin's, she says

she could tell from my letter

that I was the kinda man
she'd like to meet.

That's wonderful.

Your writing must have
really gotten to her.

Yeah, I guess so, 'cause--

Uh--oh. The bottom just fell
outta Cloud Nine.

What's wrong?

Well, technically, I didn't
write the letter.

It was that weird but personable
boyfriend of yours.

He stole the girl of my dreams.

And with my own Snoopy
stationary, too.

Michael, I sent you over there
to help Larry get a girl.

You helped yourself get a girl.
You already have a girl.

Who's now mad at you.

Steph, donate those
furrows to farmers.

I've been working with him, and
I really think I can

make Larry into a reasonable
facsimile of the guy

who wrote that letter.

Hola , I'm Larry.

Steph, this is too hard.
Can I quit?

I know, even with my cap cocked
at a roguish angle.

It's hopeless.

Oh, Larry. It's not hopeless,
is it Michael?

No, Steph, we always have
evolution working for us.

Besides, looks
aren't everything.

Michael.

White lie, Steph.

In my own defense, the
color of this sweater

don't do diddly to
bring out my eyes.

No. Now, let's not panic.
Forget the wardrobe.

Let-- let's put you through a
simulated date maneuver.

All right, Steph, now, why don't
you help us out here

by taking the part of Jolene?

Wait. Is she stunning?

Well, Miss Jolene's no you,
but she's attractive.

Okay. It's a stretch,
but I'll try.

Okay, Larry, now picture this.

You're in a bakery, you've
taken a number.

Now serving. Larry.
Take it away, Lar.

Hi. I'm Larry, and
you're Jolene.

Hello.

You're supposed to
compliment me now.

Oh. May I say you're looking

as appetizing as a
truck-struck weasel.

Larry, you've just compared this
earth angel to a dead rodent.

Too mushy?

No, just compare her to
something breathtaking;

a-- a sunset, a summer's day,
Mercedes leather.

Oh, Michael.

Maybe I could just cut right to
the asking-out part.

Uh, would you like to join me

for an evening of dinner,
dancing,

and a moonlight romp in the bog?

Yuck.

Larry, I thought we put the
kibosh on that bog thing.

I figured moonlight would take
the curse off it.

Well, let-- let's face it,
Larry, you're--

you're not me.

Thanks for trying, Michael.

Larry, I'm so sorry.

Maybe you could lose
yourself in your career.

I think I'll just go home and
pour my heart in a dustbin.

Wa-- wa-- wait. Wait a minute,
Lar.

We gotta come up with something.

Let's-- let's put our
heads together,

while not actually touching,

and see if we can come
up with an idea.

Now how 'bout we, uh-- we go
over to the bakery?

Uh, I go in, and I-- I break
the sad news to her

that I wrote the letter, but
that I don't love her.

Then she cries and screams,

and you can zoom and get
her on the rebound.

I like it.

d*ck. We have to talk.

Jo-- Joanna, let me guess.

You dreamt I was a
crazed warthog,

and you're gonna have
to sh**t me.

I read this dream book of yours,

and I realized there are
thousands of ways

to interpret a dream, so I guess
I was being a tiny bit--

Insane.

Unfair. From now on, I'm only
going to pay attention

to the things that you do when
we're both awake.

Honey, I promise the next time I
make you mad, it'll be for real.

Aw. Thanks, honey. [ Chuckles ]

Hello. Is this the
Stratford Inn?

Uh, ex-- excuse me. Ah!

I'm s-- I'm sorry. You're
going to have to leave.

I don't understand.

You have to go before-- before
my ears start to flap.

I'm all set to go to the
Hardware Expo.

Oh, you finally found someone to
go with you, George.

Yeah, Chester's cousin.

Oh. Sounds great.

I don't know what
she looks like.

All I know is she'll be wearing
a big hat with flowers.

Well, I'm sure she'll be here
any minute, George.

Lady! Lady!

That's her.

See the way she grabs
up that donut

with the little piece
of wax tissue?

Very feminine.

If you say so, Lar.

Hey, now, don't hurt
her too bad.

Just enough for me to get her.

Don't worry, Larry. You're
talking to Mr. Sensitive.

Hola . Is this, uh,
Casa de Crullers?

Oh, it's you. Hi, Larry.

Whoa, before your hopes
soar too high,

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to
slam the door on your soufflé.

I don't get it.

Oh, well, then, stop tape. I'll
rewind and play back.

You don't have to do this.

I laughed plenty at that
in the letter.

Laughed at what?

I don't remember taking a s*ab
at any funny bone.

You mean you really
talk like that?

Why? Is there a problema ?

Can't you talk like a
normal person?

Well, absolutament--
absolut-- sure.

Good Lord.

I thought in that letter you
were just trying to be funny.

You know, pretending to be one
of those phony kinda guys.

I'm starting to sniff a
bad review here.

I knew I should have
listened to my mother

and not answered that letter.

I guess, I just couldn't
resist that one line.

"Your ever-loving Love God"?

No. "I like you a lot, and
that ain't no joke."

You liked that?

It was sincere. And in English.

That line was Cheez Whiz.
[ Chuckles ]

I mean, the rest of the letter

was a fine,
room-temperature Brie.

I like Cheez Whiz. It's real.

Well, maybe not real, but
it's down to earth.

Like the kind of man
I'm looking for:

Simple, honest, and I'm sorry,
not you.

[ Clears throat ]

Well, that saves me the trouble
of breaking your heart.

And luckily for you, I've
got just the guy.

He's-- he's the author of that
line. He's right outside.

Wait here.

Well, from my point of view,

she seemed to take your
heart-stomping pretty well.

She did, didn't she?

Any advice for me before I
commence a-- courtin'?

Well, amazingly enough Larry,
just--

just go in there and--
and be yourself.

Hi. I'm Larry. I hear we're
gonna be datin'.

[ Gasps ]

I knew I chose the
wrong cologne.

Play the saddest lonesome song
that you have ever heard

Darryl, another hit
of milkshake.

Make mine a double.

Women.

Yeah. Can't live with them,
can't stuff them in a sack.

Well, don't feel too bad, Larry.

I get a feeling that, uh, Jolene
might not have even gone for me.

You don't have to say things
just to cheer me up.

No, no, no. I mean it. The woman
obviously lacks depth.

I mean, the whole time
I was with her,

she didn't even ask me what
kind of car I drive.

Women. And I had
such high hopes.

I mean, she works with lard.
I like lard.

All the signs pointed
to it workin'.

I guess I'm just a sucker for a
gal in a hair net.

Uh, more vanilla over here,
Darryl.

I think Darryl's implying
you've had enough.

Well, any woman who didn't
like that letter

can only be described in three
words: pe-cul-yer.

And I thank the dating deity
above for giving me a girl

as normal as my Steph.

Yeah. Imagine her in a hairnet.

Sorry, didn't mean to be
fantasizin' about your lady.

[ Chuckles ] Well, this may just
be the milkshakes talkin', Lar,

but someday I know you're gonna
find the right woman.

And she'll have sisters.

Believe me, Larry.

Someday a woman's gonna walk
through that door

and see you and not scream.

Just like in the movies.

You know, Larry, I like you. And
that ain't no joke.

Ditto. Hombre .

Meow.