05x19 - Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Loudon

[bunniefuu]

[ Knocking on door ]

I-- Is he here yet?

Not yet.

Michael, look at this.

d*ck, I cried because I
had a broken chair

'til I met a man who
had no chair.

Michael, t-- today we have an
idol of mine on my show,

Edwin Newman.

I mean, s-- suppose he--
he comes into--

into the office and sees this.

I mean, it-- it's embarrassing.

d*ck, I'll-- I'll
take care of it.

I'll make certain he gets
absolutely nowhere

near your office.

Now, uh, take a gander

at some of the
questions I wrote up.

Michael, I-- I don't
need questions.

I mean, I'm a major fan of Mr.
Newman's. I--

I prepared the
interview my-- myself.

But-- but, d*ck, I did a
lot of digging.

And I uncovered a few
surprising facts.

Did you know Edwin Newman
was one of the major

news honchos at NBC?

Of course.

Wow. You really are into
this guy, aren't you?

Let's see what questions
you came up with.

Do you think you could
b*at Mike Wallace

in a one-on-one brawl?"

Oh, come on, d*ck.

You can't say you're
not curious.

[ Phone rings ]

Hi, hi.

It's Edwin's people.

[ Chuckles ] Yes.

Oh, no. Really?

Well, uh, do me a favor.

See if a picture of
President Jackson

will change his mind.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh.

Looks like Edwin Newman's a slow
fade to black, d*ck.

Cancelled?

And-- and-- and that's final?

You heard me offer his
man an easy .

They said they were gonna try
and find us another date.

Rats.

Whoa. "Rats."
You are disappointed.

But we're in luck.

I think we can get The
Unbelievable Jerry.

Michael, we can always get The
Unbelievable Jerry.

He-- he hangs around every
Sunday dressed for the show,

just in case.

Well, it's minutes before
we go live, d*ck.

I think his time has come.

I-- I don't need a phony
psychic on the show.

It's better if I-- I go
on all by myself.

All right, d*ck.

But I bet Jerry's predicting
it's gonna be a big b*mb.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Clears throat ]

So, d*ck, who'd you get to
replace Edwin Newman?

You gonna go with The
Unbelievable Jerry?

No, JJ. I'm gonna go on
all by myself.

Good idea, d*ck.

I'll have the test
pattern standing by.

And now it's Vermont Today
starring d*ck Loudon.

Hi, there. Our originally
scheduled guest,

Edwin Newman, couldn't be
with us today.

Rats.

So I thought I'd try
something a little--

a little different.

You know, uh,

talk to you off-- off the
top of my head

about... what's on my mind.

You kno-- You kn-- You know,
psychic phenomenon is--

is on-- is on everyone's
mind these days.

I, uh, just happen to
have someone here

who claims he's
involved with that,

so... could someone, uh,
try and find...

The-- The Unbelievable Jerry.

Thank you very much.

I'm fine.

Yes, it is my real name. Oh,
about nine years.

See what I just did, d*ck?

I answered your first
three questions

before you even asked them.

But th-- those-- those
weren't my first three--

I'm getting another
picture here.

You have another business
besides this one, am I right?

Y-- Yes.

It's a lumber company,
ladies and gentlemen.

No, it's-- it's an inn.

But... what is it made of?

Lumber, correct?

Yeah, but I mean, any-- any--

I sense a little
skepticism here, d*ck.

What I'm gonna do is
unite my mind

with the cosmic forces
of the universe

and perform the greatest test of
psychic ability known to man.

I am going to bend...
some spoons.

Wh-- why-- why is it all you
guys ever do with your--

your psychic ability is--
is-- is bend spoons?

I also bend keys.

But I-- did you ever think of--
of harnessing your--

your amazing powers and-- and
doing some good in the world?

Like, uh,

maybe helping peace talks
along somewhere?

Hey, I'll go anywhere they
supply a spoon.

Which reminds me, I'll be at
the Beavercreek Mall

this Thursday evening,

providing personal and
financial advice

to shoppers of all ages for a
very reasonable fee.

And we've got a special
discount for you...

seniors out there.

Well, what-- what exactly
qualifies you to-- to give

personal or-- or
financial advice?

What qualifies me?

Take a look at this spoon, d*ck.

This is ridiculous.

You're-- you're no--
you're no psychic.

You're-- you're, uh--

you're... you're a weenie.

I-- I can't--

I can't believe-- can't
believe I said that.

I have never been
treated like this.

And before I walk off, I'd just
like to remind everyone

I'll be at The
Carpet Warehouse--

Get out of here.

So where, uh--
where-- where was I?

Ah, what's-- what
was on my mind.

[ Test pattern noise ]

JJ!

Joanna?

Mm-hm?

I'm about to make an
important decision

that will change my entire life.

I've decided to get
personalized license plates.

That is a
life-changing decision.

I guess that's why I put it
off all these years.

But I'm not sure what I
want it to say.

In a lot of ways, it's the most
irreversible decision

a person can make.

I mean,

if you marry the wrong guy, you
can always get a divorce,

but...

if you choose the wrong
license plate,

you have to stand in line at
the DMV for hours.

I've narrowed it down to either

"IMADOLL" or "CUPCAKE".

What do you think?

I don't even have an opinion.

I told you it was a
tough decision.

JOANNA: Yeah.

What's a tough decision?

Well, Stephanie's getting
personalized license plates,

and she can't decide what
precious little thing

it should say.

Which one do you like for me,
George?

"IMADOLL" or "CUPCAKE"?

I don't know, Stephanie, maybe
I'm old fashioned,

but to me you'll
always be XPG .

Okay, I've decided.

I'm going with "CUPCAKE".

That is the statement
I wanna make.

Now I just have to be sure
it's available.

Stephanie, where'd you get that?

They don't let people remove
those books from the DMV.

They do if you go like this.

Oh, poo!

"CUPCAKE" is already taken.

Well, that's just not fair.

Nobody could make a better
"CUPCAKE" than me.

I'm going to find out who it is
and get them to give it to me.

Stephanie,

they don't release that
information to the public.

Joanna,

they let me take this book home,
didn't they?

JOANNA: Hi, honey.

What a show today. It was
really something.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're right.

It was the most humiliating
experience of my life.

d*ck, it wasn't as bad
as you think.

It was kind of exciting when you
called him a weenie.

Honey, I have never used that
word in-- in my life.

And-- and the one time I do it's
in front of hundreds--

[ Clears throat ] thou--
thousands of people.

d*ck, it was better than the
what was on your mind part.

Yeah, d*ck, I think
you lucked out.

You'd look a lot worse if you'd
called Edwin Newman

a weenie.

Pinch me! I'm dreaming.

[ Laughs ]

The phones have not
stopped ringing.

We're up to our
keisters in kudos.

[ Chuckles ]

Try this title on for size:

d*ck Loudon's Target Practice,

with your host, Vermont's own
verbal kickboxer,

machine-g*n mouth Loudon.

[ Chuckles ]

Michael, what happened today on
the show was a fluke.

I was tired, I was frustrated,

I was disappointed.

All things we can
recreate again.

Michael, we're not changing the
show, and that's final.

Okay, d*ck. All right.
Have it your way.

We'll go back to the old format:

You talking, interrupted by the
occasional test pattern.

Oh, hi, d*ck. Ready to...

get out there and grab 'em
all over again?

Michael, I thought we agreed,

the show was going back to
the way it was.

d*ck, relax.

We agreed on a guest, didn't we?

That, uh,

fuddy duddy from the University
Museum of Antiquities?

He's your kind of guy, d*ck.

He's got a Phoenician
bowl exhibit.

Five seconds to air.

Bowl 'em over, d*ck.

[ Chuckles ]

And now Vermont Today, starring

d*ck "The Ripper" Loudon!

And Loudon's Lunatic Legion!

[ Raucous cheers ]

Hi. I-- I-- I wasn't
expecting you.

I-- I hope this--

this doesn't have
anything to do with--

with last week's show.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, d*ck! Yeah!

Well, uh, let me introduce
my first guest...

Dr. Miles Rangel, d*ck.

Curator of Antiquities at the
University Museum

and pro-nuclear w*r activist!

AUDIENCE: Boo!

I'm-- I'm-- I'm sorry.
I-- I think we--

we had a little mix up there.

I'm sure our announcer
didn't mean to say

pro-nuclear w*r activist.

[ Chuckles ]

Sure, he did. I'm a
pro-nuclear w*r activist.

Yeah, d*ck.

You see, Mr. Loudon,

when you've really studied
ancient civilization,

you become acutely aware

of how much mankind has
deteriorated.

Why has this happened?

Because the process of
natural selection

has been irrevocably
tampered with,

and there's just no way to
really clean house anymore.

Which is why, I believe,

we should have a
limited nuclear w*r,

blow a lot of the scum off the
face of the earth

and simply start all over again.

-AUDIENCE: Boo! -MAN: No!

Go get him, d*ck!

So, Phoenician bowls.

How, uh-- how far back do--
do these babies go?

BC.

They're, uh, relics of a time
when quality craftsmanship

was an important part of
everyday life.

Why?

Because back then it was
survival of the fittest.

In those days, a
plague or a famine

could build up some steam.

But now, look at the crowds
you see everywhere.

Even the lines for items or
less are enormous.

Which is why I reiterate...

a carefully managed,
violent nuclear w*r

would be... a much
needed cleansing,

a bath for humanity.

Boo! Boo!

Boo!

O-- okay, I'll-- I'll admit, a
nuclear w*r would--

would probably make a lot of...

lot of lines shorter.

But I-- I mean, what about
the fact that--

that afterwards, the, you know,
the-- the entire...

planet would be poisoned?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Well, Mr. Loudon, obviously
you're not interested

in discussing this
intelligently.

In fact, at any moment,

I bet you're gonna
call me a weenie.

AUDIENCE: Yeah! [ Cheers ]

I have-- have no
intention of calling you

a weenie, Dr. Rangel.

MAN: Aw!

Even though you are one.

Yeah! [ Cheers and applause ]

Good day, Mr. Loudon.

Have a nice nuclear winter.

Yeah!

[ Cheers and applause ]

The, um-- the Phoenician
bowl exhibit will--

will continue at the
University Museum

un-- until the th.

Weenie! Weenie! Weenie! Weenie!
Weenie!

Weenie! Weenie! Weenie! Weenie!

d*ck, you've gotta
eat something.

Will you at least
have your cereal?

Honey, it's in a bowl.

Will you forget about
yesterday's show?

You're being too hard
on yourself.

d*ck!

Take a look at these ratings.

We actually got a whole number.

[ Chuckles ]

We finally b*at out those
unoccupied channels.

Michael, you know I couldn't
care less-- Wow.

This-- this means nothing.

I mean, some of the
worst shows in...

in history have gotten
great ratings.

True. But did any of them...
get great reviews?

d*ck, hold onto this paper
with one hand and...

pat yourself on the back
with the other.

I wanna see.

"d*ck Loudon's acerbic wit
cuts like a Kn*fe

through the dull baloney of
afternoon television."

Gee, I-- usually, I agree
with this guy.

Excuse me, Mr. Loudon.

Could I possibly have
your autograph?

I-- I don't-- I don't
think you want that.

Please. We love your show.

I can't believe we're staying
here at your inn.

Thank you so much.

-Can I ask you one more thing?
-Sure.

This is my husband, Tim.

Would it be too much trouble for
you to call him a weenie?

I-- I don't think he--
he would be--

No, please.

Call me a weenie. I--
It be an honor.

[ Clears throat ]

You're-- you're, uh--
you're a weenie.

Oh!

This is so exciting.

So, d*ck, did I just see that
hat size jump a notch?

Michael, I don't care what
other people think.

I-- I care what I think.

And right now, I think Joanna
and I are gonna take a drive.

You wanna buy more newspapers.

Well, you know, if we
pass a stand.

Oh, Michael, good.

Michael, this is Vince Dinsmore.

You know, "CUPCAKE"?

You're-- you're "CUPCAKE"?

Yep.

It's my license plate, and
there's nothing

gonna make me give it up.

Michael?

Well, Vince, you know, I'm
just-- I'm just curious.

What-- what would a well-built,
barrel-chested drink of water

like yourself

want with a wimpy little plate
that says "CUPCAKE"?

Because it's the name of my
million-dollar business,

Cupcake Inc.

Big, big deal.

Cupcake Inc.?

You know...

Tasty little cake Get
it in the cup

Grab it by the handle
Eat it right up?

I got a whole fleet of
cupcake trucks,

I got promotional T-shirts,
I got keychains.

But, Michael, I'm the only
true "CUPCAKE".

Stephanie, sweetheart, for the
first time in your life,

you may have to accept

that there's something
in this world

that you can't have.

Michael, are you trying to
make me break out

into a rash?

Steph, I'm afraid none of
those old standbys

are gonna work this time.

Damn good pout, Steph.

But-- but it's just not enough.

What kind of monster are you?

Okay, look, if-- if it means
that much to you,

you can have the dumb plate.

[ Gasps ]

I'll contact the DMV first
thing in the morning.

Could you try to be
there by : ,

so you could be the
first one in line?

No. No, no--

Okay, okay. Lighten up already.

Surprise.

A brand-new chair.

Wow.

Real leather.

Actually, it's real leatherette.

But you deserve the perks, d*ck.

The show's so hot, you're gonna
have to work in asbestos.

[ Chuckles ]

Bev's even thinking of
moving the time slot

to right after Minutes.

You know, to capitalize
on an audience

that's already been
primed for a fight.

Oh, you know, what I
do is not...

that much different from--
from Minutes.

I mean, I expose...
charlatans in a...

in a tasteful way.

d*ck, whatever you're
talking about, I agree.

I wouldn't be
surprised if you sweep

those Nobels this year.

[ Chuckles ]

Michael, that's ridiculous. [
Continues chuckling ]

Maybe a, you know, a
more local award.

Take a gander at next
week's guest.

Mrs. Henrietta... Epson,
author of...

"The Fudge and Whiskey Diet"?

That's right, d*ck. How
many more innocents

must slump into a fat stupor
before she's stopped?

I guess I could nail her.

Great, d*ck.

Her only demand is that
someone drive her here

in a car with a really
big back seat.

Cheese it! It's the
pro-nuke nut!

Uh, Doctor-- Doctor Rangel, I--

Mr. Loudon, I just dropped by
to say... thank you.

You, uh-- you're--
you're welcome.

For, uh-- for what?

For allowing me to be a
guest on your show.

My phone hasn't stopped ringing
since the show aired.

I've already signed up
new members,

which is an increase of
percent,

because before that... it
was really just me.

I want you to know, if
you're ever looking

for a sparring partner,

I'm your weenie.

Because of you and your show,

the whole world is just
a little closer

to nuclear disaster.

That's it, we're going back
to the old format.

d*ck, no.

Michael, I would rather bore
people senseless

than-- than--

than cater to the-- the
lunatic fringe.

But, d*ck, there--
there's no good reason

why we can't do both.

Michael, I wanna do
the kind of TV

I wanna do.

It-- It's more important to--

to be good than--
than-- than popular.

Is that your final word, d*ck?

I'm afraid it is.

Well...

To tell you the truth,

I respect you for it.

Thank you, Mike.

Excuse us.

Edwin Newman's here, d*ck.

I-- I was so excited about
this interview, I--

I-- I couldn't sleep last night.

Don't worry, d*ck.

I'm sure we'll all be able
to catch some Z's

during the interview.

Welcome to Vermont Today with
your host d*ck Loudon

and his very special guest,
Edwin Newman.

I am honestly thrilled
and delighted

to introduce my guest today.

Quite frankly, he's always
been one of my heroes.

Well, actually, more than
one of my heroes,

he's a sort of idol of mine.

[ Chuckles]

Be-- before I completely
embarrass myself,

why don't I just introduce him?

Mister Edwin Newman.

[ Applause ]

It's-- it's an honor to
have you here, sir.

Mr. Loudon, when I
originally agreed

to be a guest on your program,

I took it on faith
from a publicist,

an act of some naiveté, I agree,

uh, that yours was a program of
reasonable quality.

I've had occasion these
last two weeks

to watch the program myself,

and I have found that it
typifies everything

that is wrong in
television today.

So I came on the program to
tell you that myself.

Now I intend to leave

before you begin your
usual name-calling.

And, by the way, the correct
term is not "weenie",

it is "wiener".

Good day, Mr. Loudon.

[ Clears throat ]

La-- uh, ladies and gentlemen,
Mr... Edwin Newman.

I could've told you
this would happen.

Meow.