02x15 - Dharma and the Horse She Rode In On

[bunniefuu]

Now, Dharma, this is Bluebell.

She' be your horse.

She's a itte bit oder and very gente.

She's bind in one eye.

So you be careful on the right turns.

Maybe I should just let her ride me.

Dharma, you need a tame horse.

A fox hunt can be dangerous.

Greg said it wasn't a rea fox.

He said it was a rag soaked in fox pee.

T is, but we prefer to ca it "fox scent.

" How do you get fox scent?

We don't care.

Maybe you should.

It might not be fox scent.

Might be some guy trying to make a few bucks selling his own

- Would you stop?

Tallyho.

Honey, are you drunk?

'M wearing stretch pants and chasing a urine

-soaked towel through the woods.

'm hammered, and I highly recommend it.

Joaquin, how is he today?

When I tried to put the saddle on him, he almost kicked me in the fruits.

Maybe you should wear a fruit cup.

Put him away, Joaquin.

We' never be abe to break him.



- No, no!

- Hey.

Oh, no.

Hey, hey, hey, you can't just force him ike that.

Heo, handsome.

What's your name?

Capital Loss.

He looks more like a Steve to me.

Dharma, please be careful.

T's a very dangerous anima.

Oh, Steve, aren't you dangerous! Oh, yes, you are.

Come on, ' put you back in your stable and you can practice your big, mean face, yes.

That's amazing.

No one's been abe to hande him.

Oh, that's nothing.

She taught the dogs to give each other baths.

Sweet pork, bad.

Sour pork, bad.

Sweet

-and

-sour pork?

Genius.

Hey, careful.

That's Dharma's birthday present.



- What'd you get her?



- Well, her family has this tradition about giving homemade gifts.



- And you made her?

These are mementos from the day we met.

T's the baseba game, the trip to Reno, the pie shop.



- This is your American Express statement.



- Yeah.

All the charges from that day are highlighted.

You're giving her an American Express statement.

No, 'm not done.

'M gonna burn the edges and decoupage it to a piece of wood, and put some seashells around.



- What do you think?



- I think, if you were 4 and you were giving it to your mother even she would say it sucks.

Knock, knock.



- Barbara.



- Hi, Greg.



- Paul.



- Close enough.

What brings you to the 10th floor?

They're puing your department in on the Williamson case.



- The boss wants you to help me out.



- Okay.

Look, you know, don't wanna make a big dea about you know, our history

- No, no, no.

T's fine.

I could help.



- How?



- 'M a awyer.

This may take some time to get caught up on the files so ' just go get my

- Great.



- Great.



- Great.

We, Dharma's gonna be thried by this, huh?

You working hours with a woman you almost married?

There's nothing between us.

T's not an issue.

Well, great.

We, maybe ' ask her out then.

Fine.

Hey, you got any tips that might speed the process along if you know what I mean?



- Sure.

Ask her to slap a restraining order on you now.

Look what I found out front.

T's a horse.

Steve, what are you doing here?



- Wait a minute.

You know him?



- Yeah, this is Kitty's horse.

I see the resemblance.



- Hello.



- Hi, honey.

I just wanted to let you know 'm gonna be working ate tonight.

Oh, sorry.

My fault.

'Ve been working out.

Oh, and you've been eating peanut butter crackers.

We've gotta fie a motion in the morning, so we're not gonna get out ti 10 or 11.

You working with Pete?

Me and Pete.

That's who's working together, me and Pete.

Do I smell pants on fire?

Steve, cut that out.



- Who's Steve?



- Do you remember Steve?

From your parents' hunt cub?

Honey, he's eating my shoes.

/ gotta go.

There's a guy eating my wife's shoes in my apartment.

And another guy lying to your wife in your desk chair.

' Te her about Barbara.

'm just gonna wait until after her birthday.

You don't have to justify anything to me.

I lie just for the fun of it.

I just got a message from my neighbor.

My bathroom is flooding.

'Ve gotta go home and wait for a plumber.



- We have to file this thing by 9 a.

m.



- Well, we could work at my place.

Yeah, guess we're gonna have to.

Okay, I just have to get some stuff from my office.

Night, Paul.

Night, Paul.

Hey, steal me something from her hamper, huh?

Anything.

Surprise me.



- But I wanna keep him.



- No, Jane.

You cannot keep a horse in your apartment.

That's what you said about our maiman, but he's sti down there.

We' ride him back to the stabe and then we' hit a few drive

-throughs along the way.

Don't know.

We can pretend we're esbian Canadian Mounties.



- Nobody ever gets that.



- But we have a horse this time.

Right.

Okay.

There's gotta be case aw more recent than 1961.

Greg, can I ask you a question?

And then I will drop the subject forever.



- Okay.



- Do you ever miss me?

That is one hell of a clog.

You either got tree roots growing in the pipes or you need to see a doctor.

Oh, okay.

Here's U.

S.

V.

Weber, 1965.

You didn't answer my question.

Barbara, listen to me.

'M reay, reay happy in my marriage.

Got it.

Alrighty, then.

This ought to do it.

This thing's strong enough to yank out a kitten.

How could he get out of his stall?

He is smart, missus.

Smart like the devil.

Whoa, Steve.

What are you two doing with my horse?

Pretending we're esbian Canadian Mounties.

We take turns being on top.

And we never get our man.

Dharma, you cannot take the horse out whenever you want.

Didn't.

He just showed up at my apartment.



- What?



- Don't know how, but he did it.

He's in ove with her.

What are you talking about?

He traveled across the city to find her.

He's in ove.

You've done this to me with three guys and an iguana.

T's starting to tick me off.

Joaquin, put the horse back in his stable and be sure that the door is locked.

I told you, missus.

I locked the door before.

The horse is passionate.

Passionate like the devil.

Greg?



- Hello.



- Hey, Pete, it's Dharma.



- What time is it?



- T's 3:30 in the morning.

'M sorry 'm caing so ate, but is Greg there?

Yeah.

Yeah, he is.



- Well, can I talk to him?



- Nope.

He He's passed out drunk right here on the floor.



- What?



- No need to worry.

' Get some coffee in him and drive him home.



- Okay, thanks.



- No problem.

Oh, Greg.

Greg, Greg, Greg.

You really screwed up this time, buddy.

Not gonna get too far without these.

This is never gonna work.

Look, just take a swig of this and follow my lead.

Now, throw up in your mouth a little.

Hey, honey, are you all right?

'M 'm fine.

Oh, he is drunk.

Drunk, drunk, drunk.



- Had some coffee, so now 'm fine.



- What happened?



- I thought you guys were working.



- Well, we were but then Greg pulled a bottle of tequila out of his desk drawer, you know.

We do sh*ts, next thing you know we're stumbing out of a karaoke bar with a couple Japanese businessmen.



- Night, Pete.

You know, the other guys, they wanted to go get hookers.

But this guy

- The most loyal husband in the world.



- Good night, Pete.

Good night.

Well, I better get to bed.

Well, hang on a second, honey.

What's going on?

What do you mean?

We, 've never, ever seen you drink so much.

You've never seen me sing karaoke.

Sn't that fun?

A year and a haf and we're sti earning about each other, huh?

Good night.



- What was that?



- Oh, God.

T's Steve again.

Steve's a horse.

He's your mother's horse.

He's in ove with me.



- Don't understand.



- Maybe you woud if you weren't drunk.



- Now, go to bed.



- Where are you going?



- Well, I gotta ride him back to the stable.



- Now?

Yeah, now.

Otherwise, we're gonna hit rush hour.

Come on, Steve.

You know you gotta go home, okay?

All right.

How about this?

' Go into your sta and have one carrot with you but then I definitely have to go home.

Okay?

Okay.



- Hi, honey.



- Hi, Abby.

Thanks for coming to get me.

Oh, wow, look at his aura.

You're right.

He really is in love with you.

Know.

Don't know how to get through to him.

Well, honey, you were a horse in a past life once.

What would you have wanted someone to say to you?

Steve you're a great horse.

You are.

And if we had met when we were both the same species I mean, who knows, you know?

You're handsome.

You're funny.

I mean, come on, you know?

You would never be happy in an apartment.

And, eventually, I mean, I would get bored running around a field.

Steve don't think we shoud see each other for a while, okay?

Goodbye, Steve.

No, Dharma.

Don't ook back.

You know?

And he had bloody marys on Sunday, and tequila last night.

And reay, don't know what's going on.

Well, I hate to say it, Dharma, but Greg could have an addiction.

I would know if he had an addiction, woudn't?

Not necessarily.

It took me years to realize that your father coudn't get through a day without burning incense and eating a box of Mallomars.



- Hi, guys.



- Hi, Greg.

Hi, Greg.

What you got there?



- Orange juice.



- Just orange juice?

And a newspaper.



- How you feeling?



- Fine.



- You're not hung

-over?



- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I guess I am.

Or maybe 'm sti drunk from ast night.

Well, I gotta go.

See you later.



- He didn't even wish me happy birthday.



- Forgetfulness, Dharma.

T's one of the signs.

Honey, I almost forgot.



- Happy birthday.



- Thank you.



- ' See you at the party.



- Okay, 7:00.

Seven o'cock.

I wish we could cr*ck open the champagne now, but 'm ate for work.

You know, eventually, he' just stop going to work.

Dharma, we can't wait for him much longer if we're gonna ceebrate your exact birth time.

'M sure he's just stuck in traffic.

Let's just start without him.

Don't worry, he won't miss a thing.

'M sketching everything that happens.



- That's your gift from me.



- Thank you, Jane.

It would help if everyone would stop moving around so much.

Excuse me, everyone.

Can I have your attention?

N honor of Dharma's birthday Abby and I have prepared a special gift.

T's caed The Conception of Dharma.

Oh, God.

There was a concert in the park.

A girl from Wisconsin.

A man with a van.

The girl is fertile.

The van is carpeted.

Nine months.

Eating and growing.

Growing and eating.

Hormones and hair

-pulling.

Hair

-pulling and hormones.



- Raging hormones.

Monster hormones.



- Larry.

The day arrives.

A flood of blood and life.

Breathe, Abby, breathe.

Dharma, come here.

Be born.

Birthday or no birthday, if she starts sucking, we're eaving.

Please stop.

You're making me nauseous.

So you do have feelings for me.



- Hello.



- Hey, Pete.

T's Dharma.

Oh, hi, Dharma.



- God, 'm ate.



- /s Greg there?

Hod on, ' check.

I still have to stop at the jewelers and pick up her present.



- Buy me a half an hour.



- No, Dharma, he just left.

He might be a while though.

He was gonna stop off for a drink.

A couple of drinks, actually.

Yeah, he was gonna do about a half

-hour of drinking.

To celebrate your birthday.

Okay.

Well, are you gonna come?

Oh, me?

No, / can 't make it.

I got a hot date.

You know, you look good coming and going.

Bye.

He's at a bar, drinking.

Think it's time for an intervention.

See you.



- Hi, everybody.



- Hi, Greg.

What's going on?

Greg, I love you very much, but you've got a drinking probem.

And we've a taked about it, and we're here to hep you.

Just say no, Greg.

Don't have a drinking probem.

You're in denia.



- 'M not in denia.



- Listen to yoursef.

'm gonna mirror you:

- "'M not in denia.

'm not.

"

- 'M not.



- Don't know where you got this.



- "Don't know"

- Stop that.



- "Stop that.

" Greg, Pete said that you have a bottle in your desk drawer and you passed out last night.



- Wasn't drunk ast night.



- "Wasn't drunk ast night.

" Wasn't.

Garged with tequia.

I was pretending.

Why would you pretend?

I got assigned a case with Barbara Colefield.

We had to work late and I fell asleep at her place.



- Barbara?



- Oh, how is Barbara?



- You were with Barbara?



- Yes, but You fell asleep at her place?



- Nothing happened.



- No, don't even tak to me right now.

Tod you he didn't have a drinking problem.

He just has a little girlfriend.

Which is bad, very bad.

Dharma?

Dharma, come on.

Come on, what, Greg?

You sept at your ex

-girfriend's house.



- Nothing happened.



- I know that because I trust you.

But you didn't give me a chance to trust you, you lied to me.

Didn't want to upset you before your birthday.

Good job.

Dharma, ook.

Listen, 'm sorry.

I screwed up.



- I really screwed up.



- Yeah, you did.



- Come here.



- No.

I need to go for a walk.

Get off the couch.

Get off the couch.



- Hi.



- Hi.

Helium.

Are Are you okay?

Are Are we okay?

We will be.

Didn't even get a chance to give you your birthday present.

I glued the macaroni on the box myself.

This was the second try.

First time I cooked the macaroni.



- That's very sweet.

Thank you.



- Open it.

They're They're not homemade.

But somebody made them, and that's perfecty okay with me.

Don't want you to think that because you got me these diamond earrings that 'm not sti mad at you.



- I know.

'M sti mad at you.

But I will sleep with you, so it wasn't a tota waste of money.

- Happy birthday.

- Thank you.

Steve, you gotta get over me.

T's time to move on.

Now, there's somebody I want you to meet, okay?

Steve, this is Barbara.

Barbara, this is Steve.

He's beautifu.

No, forget it.

This is too freaking weird.