03x18 - Call Me Toilet Roboto

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Call Me Kat". Aired: October 15,2000 - present.
Follows a 39-year-old single woman named Kat who spends the money her parents set aside for her wedding to open a cat café in Louisville.
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03x18 - Call Me Toilet Roboto

Post by bunniefuu »

- KAT: Oh.
- Hey.


I only have a few minutes
till I have to open the cafe.

How was your stud sesh?

That's an abbreviation
for studio session.

I was trying to save time,
which we have now wasted.


Stud sesh was a buh.

A bust.

I wrote this beautiful
song at : a.m.,

and then I realized it was just

"Take Me Home, Country Road".

And when I say "I realized,"

I mean the sound guy said,
"Dude, you just stole that."

Well, am I going to see you tonight?

I thought maybe we could write, uh,

"Let's Get It On" together.

(SIGHS) I wish.

I'm back in the studio.

How about this?

You go into work an hour late,
and we write "Super Freak".

I can't. Randi's coming in late,

so I have to open up.

But I could take an early lunch

and we could have a
little "Afternoon Delight"?

I can't, I've got to meet up
with this singer, Zoey Monroe.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Does it have to be today?

I miss you so much,

I've been leaving one leg hairy

just so it feels like you're there.

(CHUCKLES) Aw, I miss you, too.

No, she's coming in from
Tennessee just to meet me.

- Oh.
- Oh, it's a good thing.

She's got a little buzz going,

and my manager is hoping we get along,

maybe record some songs together.

Hopefully, she hasn't
heard of John Denver.

How about this? Tomorrow
night, we go to dinner.

Okay, perfect.

Until then,

got a sexy little
surprise to tide you over.

- Mmm.
- It's a naughty picture of me.

If that's you naked,

maybe we should spend
some more time outside.

No, I enlarged the picture,
cut it up into pieces

and I hid the pieces all over.

When you find them, you
assemble them on this board.

It combines the fun of a scavenger hunt

with the sexiness of a puzzle. Mmm.

Boobs, boobs.

Where would you hide the boobs?


First clue: check the fruit bowl

for a different kind of melon.

This is your head.

Also known as my melon.

The game is afoot,

which you might find a picture of

on the shoe rack.

Ooh, I like this game.

When I find the picture of your feet,

can I give it to the sound guy?

I need to get back on his good side.

♪ Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me ♪

♪ Nothin' wrong with you
but I'd rather be me. ♪

What up, YouTube?

It's time for another
episode of Hot Lots.

'Cause, according to our subscribers,

I am still hot.

And I'm still a lot.

And I'm Frenzy Boy,

from the YouTube channel
Pranking Pedestrians.

Link in the comments. [LAUGHS]

Now it's time to show you
the pièce de résistance

of our bathroom remodel:

our fancy new Japanese toilet.

Domo arigato, Toilet Roboto.

(CHUCKLES) Ooh, check
out this heated seat.

BOTH: Ooh.

Now, when it's warm, I know
it's not because this guy

was sitting here for half an hour,

watching Illuminati videos.

Who are they and what do they want?

All right, let's take
you into the kitchen

and show you where we're putting
in our brand-new cabinets,

right after a word from our sponsors.

Just kidding, Home Depot
hasn't responded to my DMs yet,

but they will.

Darren, go get ready to film
us crossing into the kitchen.

Cool, but when that camera's
rolling, it's Frenzy Boy.


Oh, what the hell?


I don't want to point any fingers,

but what did you do?

Me? Why is this my fault?

It's always your fault.

You told me to install the cabinets,

so I installed the cabinets.

But now there's water
coming out of them.

And they're straight.

Just go turn the water off!

Well, stop yelling at me.

You know I can't think
when my toes are wet.

Hey, do you want to,
uh, come over tonight?

Open some wine, watch
Terms of Endearment.

You'll like it, the
daughter dies in the end.

Oh, sweetheart, I don't want you d*ad.

I just want you completely different.

Unfortunately, I have plans.
Max working late again?

Yeah, he writes all
day, records all night.

He does leave me cute
little notes, though.

"Miss you." "Love you."

"Touch my last Choco Taco

and I'll give you bangs in your sleep."

- Hey.
- KAT: Hey.

You're wearing your
Kat's Café baseball cap.

Does this mean our
kickball team is back on?

It means I couldn't shower

because we had to turn our water off,

and this hat has been
in my car since the day

you gave it to me.

Why'd you have to turn your water off?

Oh, well, I hate to spoil this
week's episode of Hot Lots,

but long story short, Carter's an idiot.

I think kickball could be fun.

It's hard to make friends as an adult.

Friends who kick
together, stick together.

Carter punctured a pipe,

and so now our apartment is flooded.

Oh, that's awful.

Yeah, it's horrible.

You know what's not horrible?

Kickball against rival
neighborhood businesses.

Anyway, now we have to find some
place to stay for a couple days.

See, if we had a game against

Courtyard by Marriott in Clarkesville,

we wouldn't even be
having this conversation.

SHEILA: I don't know how you feel about

staying in a senior community,

but I have an extra room.

Oh, girl, I'm down. I love old people.

They're the only ones
who don't feel the need

to tell me that they voted for Obama.

Terrific, we'll make a night of it.

Wait, hold on, when I asked
you to hang out, you had plans.

Yeah, I lied.

Anyway, come over after work.

You know, I'm going to go upstairs

and eat Max's last Choco Taco.

Don't ever tell her
that we play kickball.

♪ You can walk, you can run ♪

♪ Tell yourself I'm not the one ♪

♪ But I'm here ♪

♪ But I'm ♪

BOTH: ♪ Here. ♪

Ooh, I like that.

John Denver didn't write it, did he?

No, it's good.

Not as good as this Choco Taco.

Okay, who's the hot blonde,

and why is she eating my Choco Taco?

Hey, who's this?

Hey, Kat.

This is Zoey.

Remember, the singer I told you about?

Yes, yes, you did,

and I, like a fool, did not Google her.

Hi, Kat. Nice to meet you.

Yeah, nice to meet you, too.

Whoa, look at those shorts. (LAUGHS)

Someone didn't get the memo

Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow.

You two actually have a lot in common.

Uh, Zoey likes cats.

She... Uh, tell her
what you said about cats.

I like cats.


Thanks so much for letting
us use your apartment.

I love all the googly eyes.

It makes you feel like
you're surrounded by friends.

But I don't know how you eat the fruit

once you're attached.

I can't eat anything with a face,

which sucks because
I love Teddy Grahams.

I'm gonna go to the bathroom now.

♪ You can walk, you can run ♪

♪ Tell yourself I'm not the one... ♪

This is who you're collaborating with?

What, Kate Upton was not available?

To be fair, when I Googled her,

her pictures were not that hot.

Not that she's hot.

She's fine. She...

She likes cats.

I'm just seeing so little of you,

so it's hard watching
you have such a great time

with somebody else.

Look, I know it's tough,

but she's-she's really talented,

and she's super connected.

Last summer, she opened for the guy

who opened for the girl

who opened for Blake Shelton's opener.

Uh, so this is a little awkward.

I was drying my hands,

and a boob fell out of the towel.

A picture of a boob.

I assume this goes...

... here. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, great, she's good at puzzles, too?

Uh, Sheila,

do you have any spices
that don't end in "oxodil"?

I find a freshly ground amphetamine

really balances out
a citrus vinaigrette.

How are your onions coming, babe?


Call me Johnson & Johnson

'cause I've got no more tears.

You look like if Detroit
had a space program.

It's so nice having you two here.

Here's to the future newlyweds.


It's also refreshing

to have a couple over
without the expectation

of being their third.


So, how are the wedding plans coming?

- So great.
- Oh, I'm gonna k*ll myself.

We just have so much going on

between that and the reno.

What faucets for the kitchen?

What tile for the bathroom?

Do we invite Drake to the wedding?

I said no, but then I thought

maybe he'd walk me down the aisle.

Have you picked a song
for your first dance?

Oh, I want something romantic
like "At Last" by Etta James

or "Baby Got Back"
by Sir Mix-a-Lot.

We should skip the
formal dance altogether.

Between the two of us,
we have three left feet,

and they're all his.

Well, that's because
you won't let me lead.

Do you know how emasculating
it is to be dipped?

Though I did feel very safe.


Show me what you're working with.

Oh, I'll show you my dance moves.

But Sheila, you've got to promise

not to fall in love with me.

♪ ♪

What... Get your hands off my butt.

I can't help it, it's
like a damn magnet.

Now, will you just follow my lead?

No, I don't like where you're going.

- Well, let me go...
- I don't like...

Just a second...

Well, I know the part of the wedding

when I'm gonna step out to get high.

I'll join you.

And just as he was
going for the high note,

it's like we were watching
him go through puberty.


- Hi.
- Hey.


How come you didn't come back
upstairs after the cafe closed?

Oh, you were working.

How'd the songwriting go?

Good, we wrote a pretty
heartbreaking ballad

about how much we're
gonna miss the Choco Taco.

♪ It's a cold little
slice of sugar heaven ♪

♪ Give me a dozen ♪

♪ And I'll eat ♪

BOTH: ♪ The last one's for you. ♪

So, yeah,

we k*lled it.

That's really touching.

It's like "Tears in
Heaven" for a tasty snack.

(MAX LAUGHS) All right, well,

I got to get going to the
studio. Hey, today was super fun.

Yeah, it is gonna be
great working together.

(IMITATING ZOEY): "It's gonna
be great working together."

And I will see you in the morning.

Oh, also, I found the
picture in the cookie jar.


You mind if I take a seat?


I'm gonna be nice to her,
but it's gonna be fake nice,

so if I sh**t you a glance,
you'll know what I'm doing.

So, Max told me you used
to be a math professor.

Who's your favorite
mathematician, Purr-thagoras?

What the hell?

How have I never thought of that?

Yeah, that's-that's cute, I guess,

if you like math, cats and puns.

Can I ask you a question?

Do you hate me?

What? Not at all.

That's the look I'm talking about.

I just want you to know, I
am only here for the work.

And the bourbon. When
I was in New Orleans,

I went to Bourbon Street.

I did not know what the
beads meant at first,

and let me tell you, those
frat guys at S-A-E were S-A-D.

My point is, I have no
interest in Max whatsoever.

He's not my type.

Okay, I'm liking her more.

If I glance over again,

it's just to make sure
people are still watching.

I just want us to get
along, 'cause you and Max

are the only people
I know in Louisville,

aside from the guy at the hotel

who said I had pretty toes.

So, Max said you're from Tennessee?

Yeah, a little place
called Stinking Creek.

And, no, that's not a joke.

And yes, it does stink. How about you?

Born and raised in Louisville.

We don't have a stinking creek,

but we do have a pit o' despair.

You'll meet her, she's
the one I call "Mother."

(LAUGHS) You're funny.

Oh, you're the funny one.

I mean, my best math-cat
pun is Fur Isaac Newton.

(GASPS) How 'bout René DesCat?

He's a genius, you're a gen...

(GASPS) Do you like kickball?

♪ ♪

Okay, you're starting
to get the hang of this.

I'm counting. Please don't talk to me.

I'm counting too. You've
stepped on my foot times.

You know what? Let's try this.

♪ I like big butts ♪


See, this is how I got noticed on TRL.

Those kids from Fall Out
Boy didn't know what hit 'em.

Whoa! Yo.

Hey, come on, Sheila,

show us how you dance.

I call this little
move "The Homewrecker."



Oh, damn, my dancing's so hot,

it set off the f*re alarm.

No, it's your onions, fool.

You can't prove it's
not also my dancing.


Hey, we're evacuating, everybody out.

Not without my babies.

Now we know how the lava
caught up to the dinosaurs.

Hey, I've got two great pieces of news.

One: Cat-lyn Jenner is
officially worm free.

And two: I finally found
where you were hiding my...


Is how a girl would scream.

Kat found her damn air horn, huh?


Last night was so fun.

Drinks, dancing, firemen.

It was like a real-life Magic Mike.

Oh, I love that movie.

Is what a girl would say.

Tonight, I was thinking
we could get sushi

and watch my hilarious compilation tape

of Kat's classic fashion fails.

Volume one: Suspenders and headgear.

Suspenders are the perfect place

to display one's collection of buttons.


I think we can stay
at our place tonight.

The plumber said he
should be done by today.

He also said he gave our
new toilet a test run,

so now I kind of want to move.

That reminds me, I got
to be at the bar at : .

Could you meet up with
him and grab our key?

Uh, actually, I have to leave early.

I have a doctor's appointment.

I'm getting my hair done.

Randi, I know you're lying to me,

but I respect the importance
of a Black woman's hair.

I'm an ally.

I voted for Obama.

I'll let Al Sharpton know.

Well, I'm done here at : .

I'm happy to run over and grab your key.

Thanks, Sheila. You know what?

Tell Al about her, too.

Hey, Kat, how's it going?

- Hey.
- Oh, my God.

Look at these little furballs.


I just want to rip off
your leg and eat 'em

'cause they're so juicy.

You're kind of a cat
freak. Oh, but that's okay.

So am I. Oh, look at that face.

I'm gonna eat that face right off.

Where's Max?

Oh, he said a spot opened up

at the studio, so he took off.

Oh, awesome.

He and I were supposed to have dinner.

All right, I guess it's mac
and cheese in the bathtub again.

Maybe we can hang out.

You like Vietnamese food?

Uh, I think it's pho-nomenal.

Careful, those puns might start to...

Hanoi me.


Oh, dear God, there's two of them.

Hey, Randi, bad news.

I'm still ankle-deep in water.

Ugh, your plumber says it's
gonna be a couple more days,

so I guess you and Carter

are stuck with me a little longer.

Anyway, I hope you like spicy tuna rolls

'cause that's what
we're having for dinner.

It's also a new dance
move I'm working on.

Okay, see you at home.

All right, now, remember our deal.

You don't take their
calls for a couple of days.

Lady, I'm a plumber.

You don't got to pay me to
ignore people's phone calls.

- ♪ Other DJs say damn ♪
- ♪ Damn ♪

♪ If my rhyme was a drug ♪

♪ I'd sell it by the gram ♪

♪ Keep my composure when
it's time to get loose ♪

♪ Magnetized by the mic ♪

- ♪ While I kick my juice ♪
- ♪ Juice ♪

♪ If there was a problem ♪

♪ Yo, I'd solve it, check out the hook ♪

♪ While the DJ revolves it ♪

♪ Ice, ice, baby ♪

♪ Vanilla ♪

♪ Ice, ice, baby ♪

♪ Yo, woman, let's
get out of here ♪

♪ Word to your mother ♪

♪ Word to my mother ♪

♪ Hate the way you love me. ♪


We are k*lling it.

I bet this is what cocaine feels like.

Right? I know I fell down
twice doing the running man,

but I bet Vanilla Ice would've
asked us to be his Fly Girls.

We should check.

I think he's the guy who parked our car.


Oh, it's Max.


Hey, there was a problem

with the sound board at the studio,

so I came home early.

Check your texts.

Oh... Oh!

Whoa, look who's taking racy
photos of themselves now?

Oh, be careful around the cats, though.

They might think that's
a scratching post.


So, are you coming home?

Mmm, actually, Zoey and I...

MAX: Snowball. Off. Not a toy.

Zoey and I are doing some karaoke,

and I can confidently say

we're the best singers in the room.

You want to join?

Yeah, he can be Tony when
we do Tony! Toni! Toné!

Oh, no, but I want to be Tony.

- The other Tony.
- Right, yes, great.

Yeah. What do you think?

Uh, I'm gonna pass.

I mean, I've been singing
every night this week.

Why would I want to do karaoke?

Besides, you already
called the good Tony.

Seriously, Max? We've
hardly seen each other,

including tonight when
you blew off our dinner.

I know we haven't seen each other.

That's why I was hoping
you would come home.

Okay, well, I'm not
just gonna bail on Zoey

because you broke the soundboard.

I didn't break it.

But if you're not allowed
to have soda in that room,

there should be a sign.

So you'd really rather
hang out with Zoey?

We're having fun.

Cool, I guess I'll see you whenever.

I guess so.

- Snowball, no!

It's fine if you want to go home.

Oh, please. I mean, I'm
supposed to drop everything

just because his plans fell through?

I don't see him giving
up studio time for me.

Trust me, I know how tough

this business is on relationships.

You have to sacrifice
so much to make it.

I don't want to be an afterthought.

You sure you don't want to go home?

I'll go tell Ice to pull the car around.


I just want to sing.

♪ ... just wobble, baby,
wobble, baby, wobble, baby ♪

- ♪ What ♪
- ♪ Wobble, baby, wobble, baby, wobble, baby, wobble, baby ♪

- Oh!
- ♪ Wobble, baby, wobble, baby, wobble, baby, wobble, baby ♪

- ♪ Yeah ♪
- ♪ Wobble, baby, wobble, baby, wobble, baby, wobble, baby ♪

- ♪ Get in there ♪
- ♪ What ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

- Oh!
- ♪ Get in there ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Get in there ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Get in there ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

Okay, Sheila, have you
done your Ancestry.com?

'Cause I think you've
got some Black in you.

Ernie Hudson, the Black Ghostbuster,

told me the same thing.

Ooh. All right, now that
I've wiggled my wobble,

it's time to show y'all
my signature dance move.

Oh, Lord, give him some room.


Oh, God. Okay. Ooh.

You know who can do that?

Ernie Hudson, the Black Ghostbuster.

Are you okay?

Blink twice if you
need me to help you up.

I can't blink.

Then the tears will fall.

Oh. Okay, okay, slow.

- Okay. Okay, baby. Ah.
- Slow. Mm.

Baby, can you run home
and get my medicine?

- Okay.
- No. No, you don't need to go home.

I have a spice rack full of medicine.

Oh, we just have a specific strain of

"aspirin" that works well
in situations like this.

Yeah, aspirin.

Also, don't forget the weed.

But, wait, you can't go home.

Why not?


I can't remember.

Oh, the ravages of age.

Okay, Sheila, what's up?

Randi, she just told you.

She old.

Your apartment is fine.

You can go home anytime.

Then why did you tell
us that we couldn't?


Well, this is embarrassing to admit.

I really like you guys.

I can't have a threesome.

I'm injured,

but I can watch you two do stuff.

I mean I like this.

Having you here.

You make me feel... young.

I mean, making friends here is like...

getting attached to the lobster
you pick out in the restaurant.

Why didn't you just ask us to hang out?

I didn't think you'd want to

if you didn't need a place to stay.

Oh, but Sheila, we love
spending time with you.

And Carter's gonna spend a
lot more because he can't move.

How about this?

Why don't we just make a standing date?

Yeah. Yeah, every Thursday

at your place. Dinner and drinks.

And you can show us more of the moves

that you dropped on Ernie Hudson,

the Black Ghostbuster.

That would be wonderful.


This is such a sweet moment.

But my boys are
swelling up like oranges,

so somebody get me my damn weed!

♪ ... look back, don't ever look back ♪

♪ I'm-a get your heart racing ♪

♪ In my skin-tight jeans ♪

♪ Be your teenage dream tonight ♪

♪ Let you put your hands on me ♪

♪ In my skin-tight jeans ♪

♪ Be your teenage dream tonight ♪

♪ Tonight, tonight ♪



You are amazing.

You're amazing.


♪ ♪


♪ I'm-a get your heart racing ♪

♪ In my skin-tight jeans ♪

♪ Be your teenage dream tonight ♪

♪ Baby, put your hands on me ♪

- ♪ In my skin-tight jeans ♪
- Skin-tight jeans!

- ♪ Be your teenage dream tonight ♪
- Teenage dream!

- ♪ Tonight, tonight ♪
- ♪ Tonight, tonight ♪

♪ Tonight, tonight ♪

- ♪ Tonight, tonight. ♪
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