If you were a man, what type of
woman would you be attracted to?
[ Laughter ]
They say beauty is
in the eye of the beholder.
In this case, Yikers.
In this case, Raj...
yikes.
[ Laughter ]
How you doin'?
I have really loud orgasms.
You know, it's like,
"Ahhhhhh!"
Narrator:
And tonight's loser must confess
a silent, but deadly secret.
[ Laughter ]
News flash -- we're on
the street as b*at reporters.
And we're trying to get people
to give us quotes
about our news stories.
The catch is we've written
each other's questions,
so we won't know what we have
to say till we get out there.
And the goal is to have the guts
to ask the questions
that are on your pad.
If you refuse, you lose.
Can I just peek real quick?
No, no!
♪♪
Oh, God.
Here we go.
Q: We're gonna do page .
Turn to page and ask him
that question, would you?
My name's James.
I'm doing an article
for the paper.
The topic is about laws
regarding sex.
Do you believe that sexual
predators should be required
to identify themselves?
-Yes, I do.
-Yes.
Okay.
Well, I'm James Murray, then.
[ Laughter ]
Excuse me, sir.
I'm a news reporter.
The topic is about
space exploration.
With space exploration being
a multi-billion-dollar industry,
do you...
[ Laughter ]
Do you have, uh...
Do it, do it,
do it!
With space exploration being
a multi-billion-dollar industry,
do you have any interest
in being an astronaut?
[ Laughter ]
Murr: Not really?
Thanks so much.
-Come on!
There's no way I can say that.
Sal: Got you, sucka.
I'm ready to go, boys.
Do you even got a second
to give me a quote on a thing?
I'm a reporter doing a --
Oh, it's okay.
No part of Quinn can assemble
a credible sentence.
I'm a reporter doing a, uh, uh,
article.
[ Laughter ]
Do you have a second
to give me a quick quote?
Okay, all right.
Wow, well, this is on women's
health, so this is --
this is just really
appropriate at this moment.
Okay, do you --
Do you think that, uh --
well, let's see.
Go ahead.
You want to ask?
[ Laughter ]
Go ahead and ask.
[ Laughter ]
The guy translated it!
Titty -- titty implants.
Have you had your titties
implanted?
No?
Okay, okay, so no.
All right, well, hey, guys,
thank you so much.
My editor's gonna love
the [bleep] out of this,
I'll tell you that right now.
[ Ding! ]
How are you?
Got a quick question for you.
So, it's about the weather.
The story I'm doing
is about the weather.
When people say it's hot --
[ Chuckles ]
When people say,
"It's hot as balls out here,"
how hot do you think
the average ball is?
You know, when it's like,
"Oh [bleep]
It's hot as balls out here."
You know what I'm saying?
How hot is the ball
in question?
?
-degree ball?
[ Laughter ]
As a parent, what do you do
if your kid's a real d*ck?
If you were a man, what type of
woman would you be attracted to?
[ Laughter ]
Should I tag my penis
in Facebook photos?
I'm with the Times.
I am a report--
Wait, you both just said that
in English, though. [ Laughs ]
Do you think it's time
they installed toilets
in the subway cars?
Because I don't want to [bleep]
my pants again.
No?
[ Ding! ]
Excuse me, can I ask you
a question?
Sure.
It's on prostitution
in the United States of America.
Yeah?
In your opinion, how much --
In your opinion,
how much should an average
white male have to pay for a...
handjob?
[ Laughter ]
The average white male.
-Yeah.
-Yes.
Oh, hello, Mom.
How are you?
Q: Now ask mom the question.
You know what, though?
I decided to quit.
You decided to quit?
Just now, yeah.
Joe: Yeah, sucka.
[ Buzzer ]
Tonight's top story --
two losers.
I've got the long game in mind.
We got the short game.
We're all right.
We're in the mall
posing as caricature artists.
Yeah, you know those things
they draw when you get like
the big head
and the little body?
The pictures have been pre-drawn
for us,
but we don't know
what they look like.
So the first time
we show a customer
is the first time
we'll see them.
The goal is to get a tip.
If you don't get a tip,
you lose.
♪♪
Folks, free caricature drawing.
You do?
-Yes.
-Okay, come on in.
Let me get a good look at you.
♪♪
I think
you're flirting with me.
Joe:
Murr's in love right now.
All right, Murr, you hit on her
after it. Let's focus.
Well, how old
do you think I am?
She's gonna say , dude.
Let's go, Murr!
Tell her, "You know,
I learned this in art school."
I learned this in art school.
"I actually got thrown out
of art school."
But I kind of got thrown out
of it, so...
"For dry-humping
the sculptures."
I got thrown out of art school
for dry-humping the sculptures.
Oh, my God!
"But you should have seen
that David."
But you should have seen
that David.
Oh, my God!
I'm gonna make you
look great.
"In fact, I may even keep a copy
of this for my fantasy files."
I'm gonna make it look
so good, in fact,
I may even keep a copy
for my files, you know?
"My fantasy files."
My fantasy files.
[ Laughter ]
Let me just take a look
and see how this came out.
Joe: Murray's never seen
this picture.
This is the first time
he's seeing it.
[ Laughing ] Oh!
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
Let's see. Let me just take a
look and see how this came out.
Oh, my God.
Joe: Murray's never seen
this picture.
This is the first time
he's seeing it.
[ Laughing ] Oh!
[ Laughter ]
This is -- oh, God.
Ohh.
I'm sorry she's white.
Red hair. That's not me.
That's horrible.
It's not...
It's Horrible!
Now, this is free.
We do accept tips.
A tip? You need a new job.
I do need a new job.
You don't have to if you
don't want to, obviously.
No tip, no tip. No way.
She's gonna tip him?
She's gonna tip him.
You got it.
[ Ding! ]
Nice to meet you.
You want the hair down?
Yeah, get comfortable.
Whatever you like.
There you go.
Looks good.
"Oh, your hair
smells delicious."
Your hair smells delicious.
I can smell it from here.
"It's like fresh taco meat."
[ Laughter ]
It's like
a fresh taco meat.
And you are set.
One sec.
Let's take a look here.
Ohh, ohh.
All right.
Here is a beautiful
little caricature
that we made today just for you.
Ta-da!
This is for you to take,
and, then,
you know, we don't charge,
but any tip
would be greatly appreciated.
I'm not gonna take it, then.
You're not even gonna take
the picture, then?
Okay.
-Aw, yeah.
[ Buzzer ]
Sal: Joe with a zilch.
Hello. Hi.
Yeah, right there.
Let me just
set myself up here.
"How much do you want me to put
into the Cleveland, Ohio?"
And point to her cleavage.
It's just, uh...
How much --
How much of the Cleveland, Ohio,
do you want me to put in there?
Yeah?
Let me just do a final --
[ Laughs ]
[ Stammering ]
I think you're gonna love it.
Check it out.
There it is.
All right, it is free.
Oh!
Oh! $ ?
I'll sign that for you.
Joe: She's in disbelief.
[ Ding! ]
All right, go get them,
Van Gogh.
You want to do
a free caricature today?
What's your name?
Hey, I'm Sal.
Have a seat.
"They say beauty is in the eye
of the beholder."
They say beauty is in the eye
of the beholder.
"In this case, yikers."
In this case, Raj...
yikes.
[ Laughter ]
All right, let me see
what we have.
[ Laughs ]
All right, Raj.
Ohh.
Raj.
What do you say, buddy?
[ Laughter ]
It's my interpretation of you.
I was getting a real dictator
eating a fruit vibe off of you.
Tips are appreciated.
Whatever you feel.
What is he giving you?
What does he got right there?
$ .
Thank you so much.
How does he give him $ ?
I don't know!
He's h*tler holding a banana.
He's like --
-Yeah.
I really appreciate it.
[ Ding! ]
Stupid $ .
Narrator: Joe, Murr, and Sal are
all hanging at loser central.
We're in the market
for a new roommate.
Yeah, we're gonna be
interviewing strangers
and making sure they're okay
with our peculiar living habits.
For some reason,
no one answered Q's ad,
so the lucky bastard gets
a free pass on this one.
Little side note -- Joe and I
are actually roommates together.
Big side note --
I need a new roommate.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
Hey, Tim, how you doin'?
Good to meet you, buddy.
Welcome.
Come on in.
Thanks, man.
Thank you.
That's why I don't want
to lose it,
so I'm just looking
for a new roommate.
So this is the living room.
You know, kitchen.
This is where
the guy's moving out.
Murr:
Joey, show him the chart we put
on the side of the bathroom.
This here...
It's your daily poop chart.
And here's the --
our use log.
It's a common bathroom.
You know, I just record my logs.
Everything's been
pretty solid lately.
Wait a second.
[ Laughs ]
-Yeah, so --
-That's pretty detailed.
It's a log for my logs.
[ Laughter ]
What about
your sleeping habits?
Are you a light sleeper,
heavy sleeper?
Pretty heavy, I guess.
"Listen, I sleep nude."
Up there, it gets hot, too,
so I sleep nude.
"And I sleepwalk."
And I sleepwalk,
so if I end up in your
bedroom, don't wake me.
It's dangerous.
All right.
"I do have really loud orgasms."
It's kind of embarrassing.
But, I mean,
I have really loud orgasms.
[ Laughter ]
Go on and demonstrate.
It's -- you know,
it's like...
"Ahhhhhh!"
All right, man, well,
I just want to know, do you --
would you like to live here?
♪♪
♪♪
Up there, it gets hot, too,
so I sleep nude.
And I sleepwalk, so if I end up
in your bedroom, don't wake me.
It's dangerous.
All right, man.
Well, I just want to know,
do you --
would you like to live here?
I think we could be roommates.
That's awesome.
Oh!
I'm actually nervous.
[ Doorbell rings ]
Give him
a dead-fish handshake.
How's everything?
Good to see you.
-Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
How are you?
Hi. How are you?
Joe:
Now hightail it to the bedroom.
Power walk.
Um, and let me
show you the bedroom.
[ Laughter ]
"Both my therapist
and my parole officer say
I'm ready
for a roommate again."
Yeah, this is terrific, too,
'cause both my therapist
and parole officer say
I'm ready
for a roommate again, so...
Okay.
So, your therapist and parole
officer -- what happened?
Eh, long story.
[ Laughter ]
Why don't you have a seat
right on the couch?
Murr:
Now power-walk into the kitchen.
[ Record scratches ]
[ Laughter ]
"What's up with him?"
[ Laughter ]
Man:
So, what do you do?
Slowly raise the glass up
higher and higher
as you talk to them.
Well, I mean, I work.
I'm hardly ever here.
I'm out of town,
so you have to,
you know, just keep
in touch and stuff.
And I was gone for, like,
three weeks.
But normally, you know, ,
hours a work week I put in.
Joe: Sal, you think
you can keep talking,
take the water from her,
and just have both hands up
with cups of water?
Yeah.
Also shared with me
the same thing, too.
She said that, too.
Mm-hmm.
[ Laughter ]
Just sit on the floor.
Lay flat on the floor.
Have you seen other places
in the neighborhood
that are comparable?
Start pushing yourself back.
Joe:
Just keep moving away.
-Just go as far as you can.
-This place is great.
I like to just, like, see
everything that I can and --
I'm totally cool.
Like, I'm laid back.
I like to have fun.
So would you be ready
to move in or...
[ Laughter ]
[ Buzzer ]
Joe: Okay, let's see if Murr
can bag a roomie.
Hi, man.
James.
Nice to meet you.
How are you?
What's your name?
-Sidan.
-Thanks for coming by.
-No problem.
-What do you do, man?
I do stocks
in the neighborhood.
Murray, match his excitement.
I'm originally
from Borough Park.
-Are you serious?
-Yeah!
[bleep] yeah, man!
That's awesome, bro!
That's awesome!
Murray doesn't know
what to do right now.
Murray is outmatched.
[ Laughter ]
"Follow me, follow me,
follow me!"
Dude, follow me around.
Man, this is awesome.
We've got
the kitchen over here.
You know, we've got
bedroom closet over here.
[bleep]
-Now back to the other room.
And here we can totally
have like parties out here.
We can -- seriously,
we can [bleep] rock, man.
You know what I mean?
Sidan:
I love this guy.
Jump over the furniture.
[ Laughter ]
You are the best!
[ Laughter ]
So what do you say?
You want to move in?
Yeah!
[ Ding! ]
Calm down, you idiot.
He looks like
he's trying to take off.
I am so glad I didn't have
to do any of this.
That's attractive.
Do that on national television.
Narrator: Sal found himself
a nice little place --
last place.
We're here at the longest line
in Manhattan.
Murr: These people have been
waiting for hours
to get discount
Broadway tickets.
What do we have to do,
gentlemen?
Cut that line.
You've got to score
those tickets.
You get thrown off the line,
you lose.
Joe: Here goes Murray.
He's going.
Sal: He's walking right --
oh, my God.
Q: And he's in.
[ Laughter ]
The guy was in shock
and didn't say anything.
Part of me hopes
Murray gets arrested.
[ Laughs ]
Part of you?
All of me.
Every part of me
hopes Murray gets arrested.
I cannot believe how far
he's making it.
He keeps bumping into people
while he's doing this
fake picture-take thing.
Sorry.
Excuse me.
[ Record scratches,
siren wailing ]
[ Chuckling ] Oh.
He's been spotted.
♪♪
We're not --
We're just friends right now.
We used to be together,
and now --
She's not with me at all.
She doesn't want to be
with me anymore.
[ Laughter ]
I know, but our relationship
issue isn't really something
I'd like to discuss.
I know.
[ Laughing ]
Look at his face!
No, no.
Not at all, not at all.
I'll step out.
All: Oh!
[ Buzzer ]
[ Laughter ]
Joe:
Yeah, Sal's going in.
Q: This is the worst thing
in the world.
Joe: Oh, he's gonna try
to do the unclip.
I think he's going about this
the wrong way.
Oh, I went around.
I went to the front, and then
I went back in the side
and came back through,
and then I ended up here.
[ Laughing ] Oh, my God.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
Q: Now he's in the soup.
No, this is my good friends.
Everybody here
is a friend of mine.
[ Laughter ]
Let him know
that we're together.
Let him know we're together.
No, I-I-I-I...
No, what happened was...
[ Laughter ]
[ Buzzer ]
♪♪
There he goes.
Sorry.
Larry?!
Larry?!
I was calling you, Larry!
Larry!
[ Laughter ]
He's cutting the whole --
[ Laughs ] He was...
Larry!
Larry!
He's cutting the whole line
by simply shouting "Larry."
Larry!
Larry!
Larry!
I was calling you!
It is foolproof. He's cutting
everyone and no one.
Larry!
I was looking for ya.
[ Laughter ]
No, he's not Larry.
Oh. That's a shame.
Wasn't Larry.
[ Buzzer ]
[ Laughter ]
Excuse me one second.
Pardon me.
Joe: Look, he's going right
to the front.
I'm sorry about that.
I don't wait on lines.
I'm sorry. Excuse me.
Pardon me.
I just don't wait on lines,
so I'm just gonna get
"Lion King" tickets.
Hey, can I get two
for "The Lion King"?
[ Laughter ]
Thank you.
[ Laughter ]
[ Ding! ]
Narrator: Joe, Murr,
and Sal couldn't cut the line,
making Sal tonight's big loser.
We're here at the bookstore
to punish Sal.
Congrats, buddy.
You are the author
of a brand-new book.
And we have set up
a book-reading
with people from a book club.
And they're here
to meet the author.
Sal's going to read an excerpt
from the book
that we wrote for him.
♪♪
Joe: Okay, so, what
Sal doesn't know
is that his book
is completely blank.
Q: He's gonna have to make it up
as he goes along.
He's on his own, man.
That's what happens
when you lose.
My name is Sal Vulcano.
I'm a new author.
And I was gonna read an excerpt
for you guys
from the book today.
♪♪
Murr:
Congrats, buddy.
You are the author
of a brand-new book.
We have set up
a book-reading downstairs
with a bunch of people
from a book club,
and they're here
to meet the author.
Joe: Okay,
so, what Sal doesn't know
is that his book
is completely blank.
Q: He's gonna have to make it up
as he goes along.
Hi, everyone.
How are you?
How's everyone doing?
Thank you for coming.
Thank Book Culture
for having me.
My name is Sal Vulcano.
I'm a new author.
This is my first published work.
And I was gonna read an excerpt
for you guys
from the book today.
The book is called
"Keeping the Faith: My Battle
with Chronic Flatulence."
[ Laughter ]
It's a very raw book.
I don't pull any punches.
Okay, so, I'll begin.
[ Laughter ]
[ Chuckles ] Yeah.
Um, okay.
[ Laughter ]
Uh...
Just making sure they marked
the right page for me.
Yeah.
Uh...
[ Laughter ]
It began when I was just a baby.
The nurses and doctors,
they suspected
that there may be
an internal intestinal issue,
01x05 - Drawing a Blank
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.
This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.