01x05 - Drawing a Blank

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Impractical Jokers". Aired: December 15, 2011 –; present.*
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This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.
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01x05 - Drawing a Blank

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If you were a man, what type of

woman would you be attracted to?

[ Laughter ]

They say beauty is

in the eye of the beholder.

In this case, Yikers.

In this case, Raj...

yikes.

[ Laughter ]

How you doin'?

I have really loud orgasms.

You know, it's like,

"Ahhhhhh!"

Narrator:

And tonight's loser must confess

a silent, but deadly secret.

[ Laughter ]

News flash -- we're on

the street as b*at reporters.

And we're trying to get people

to give us quotes

about our news stories.

The catch is we've written

each other's questions,

so we won't know what we have

to say till we get out there.

And the goal is to have the guts

to ask the questions

that are on your pad.

If you refuse, you lose.

Can I just peek real quick?

No, no!

♪♪

Oh, God.

Here we go.

Q: We're gonna do page .

Turn to page and ask him

that question, would you?

My name's James.

I'm doing an article

for the paper.

The topic is about laws

regarding sex.

Do you believe that sexual

predators should be required

to identify themselves?

-Yes, I do.

-Yes.

Okay.

Well, I'm James Murray, then.

[ Laughter ]

Excuse me, sir.

I'm a news reporter.

The topic is about

space exploration.

With space exploration being

a multi-billion-dollar industry,

do you...

[ Laughter ]

Do you have, uh...

Do it, do it,

do it!

With space exploration being

a multi-billion-dollar industry,

do you have any interest

in being an astronaut?

[ Laughter ]

Murr: Not really?

Thanks so much.

-Come on!

There's no way I can say that.

Sal: Got you, sucka.

I'm ready to go, boys.

Do you even got a second

to give me a quote on a thing?

I'm a reporter doing a --

Oh, it's okay.

No part of Quinn can assemble

a credible sentence.

I'm a reporter doing a, uh, uh,

article.

[ Laughter ]

Do you have a second

to give me a quick quote?

Okay, all right.

Wow, well, this is on women's

health, so this is --

this is just really

appropriate at this moment.

Okay, do you --

Do you think that, uh --

well, let's see.

Go ahead.

You want to ask?

[ Laughter ]

Go ahead and ask.

[ Laughter ]

The guy translated it!

Titty -- titty implants.

Have you had your titties

implanted?

No?

Okay, okay, so no.

All right, well, hey, guys,

thank you so much.

My editor's gonna love

the [bleep] out of this,

I'll tell you that right now.

[ Ding! ]

How are you?

Got a quick question for you.

So, it's about the weather.

The story I'm doing

is about the weather.

When people say it's hot --

[ Chuckles ]

When people say,

"It's hot as balls out here,"

how hot do you think

the average ball is?

You know, when it's like,

"Oh [bleep]

It's hot as balls out here."

You know what I'm saying?

How hot is the ball

in question?

?

-degree ball?

[ Laughter ]

As a parent, what do you do

if your kid's a real d*ck?

If you were a man, what type of

woman would you be attracted to?

[ Laughter ]

Should I tag my penis

in Facebook photos?

I'm with the Times.

I am a report--

Wait, you both just said that

in English, though. [ Laughs ]

Do you think it's time

they installed toilets

in the subway cars?

Because I don't want to [bleep]

my pants again.

No?

[ Ding! ]

Excuse me, can I ask you

a question?

Sure.

It's on prostitution

in the United States of America.

Yeah?

In your opinion, how much --

In your opinion,

how much should an average

white male have to pay for a...

handjob?

[ Laughter ]

The average white male.

-Yeah.

-Yes.

Oh, hello, Mom.

How are you?

Q: Now ask mom the question.

You know what, though?

I decided to quit.

You decided to quit?

Just now, yeah.

Joe: Yeah, sucka.

[ Buzzer ]

Tonight's top story --

two losers.

I've got the long game in mind.

We got the short game.

We're all right.

We're in the mall

posing as caricature artists.

Yeah, you know those things

they draw when you get like

the big head

and the little body?

The pictures have been pre-drawn

for us,

but we don't know

what they look like.

So the first time

we show a customer

is the first time

we'll see them.

The goal is to get a tip.

If you don't get a tip,

you lose.

♪♪

Folks, free caricature drawing.

You do?

-Yes.

-Okay, come on in.

Let me get a good look at you.

♪♪

I think

you're flirting with me.

Joe:

Murr's in love right now.

All right, Murr, you hit on her

after it. Let's focus.

Well, how old

do you think I am?

She's gonna say , dude.

Let's go, Murr!

Tell her, "You know,

I learned this in art school."

I learned this in art school.

"I actually got thrown out

of art school."

But I kind of got thrown out

of it, so...

"For dry-humping

the sculptures."

I got thrown out of art school

for dry-humping the sculptures.

Oh, my God!

"But you should have seen

that David."

But you should have seen

that David.

Oh, my God!

I'm gonna make you

look great.

"In fact, I may even keep a copy

of this for my fantasy files."

I'm gonna make it look

so good, in fact,

I may even keep a copy

for my files, you know?

"My fantasy files."

My fantasy files.

[ Laughter ]

Let me just take a look

and see how this came out.

Joe: Murray's never seen

this picture.

This is the first time

he's seeing it.

[ Laughing ] Oh!

♪♪

[ Laughter ]

Let's see. Let me just take a

look and see how this came out.

Oh, my God.

Joe: Murray's never seen

this picture.

This is the first time

he's seeing it.

[ Laughing ] Oh!

[ Laughter ]

This is -- oh, God.

Ohh.

I'm sorry she's white.

Red hair. That's not me.

That's horrible.

It's not...

It's Horrible!

Now, this is free.

We do accept tips.

A tip? You need a new job.

I do need a new job.

You don't have to if you

don't want to, obviously.

No tip, no tip. No way.

She's gonna tip him?

She's gonna tip him.

You got it.

[ Ding! ]

Nice to meet you.

You want the hair down?

Yeah, get comfortable.

Whatever you like.

There you go.

Looks good.

"Oh, your hair

smells delicious."

Your hair smells delicious.

I can smell it from here.

"It's like fresh taco meat."

[ Laughter ]

It's like

a fresh taco meat.

And you are set.

One sec.

Let's take a look here.

Ohh, ohh.

All right.

Here is a beautiful

little caricature

that we made today just for you.

Ta-da!

This is for you to take,

and, then,

you know, we don't charge,

but any tip

would be greatly appreciated.

I'm not gonna take it, then.

You're not even gonna take

the picture, then?

Okay.

-Aw, yeah.

[ Buzzer ]

Sal: Joe with a zilch.

Hello. Hi.

Yeah, right there.

Let me just

set myself up here.

"How much do you want me to put

into the Cleveland, Ohio?"

And point to her cleavage.

It's just, uh...

How much --

How much of the Cleveland, Ohio,

do you want me to put in there?

Yeah?

Let me just do a final --

[ Laughs ]

[ Stammering ]

I think you're gonna love it.

Check it out.

There it is.

All right, it is free.

Oh!

Oh! $ ?

I'll sign that for you.

Joe: She's in disbelief.

[ Ding! ]

All right, go get them,

Van Gogh.

You want to do

a free caricature today?

What's your name?

Hey, I'm Sal.

Have a seat.

"They say beauty is in the eye

of the beholder."

They say beauty is in the eye

of the beholder.

"In this case, yikers."

In this case, Raj...

yikes.

[ Laughter ]

All right, let me see

what we have.

[ Laughs ]

All right, Raj.

Ohh.

Raj.

What do you say, buddy?

[ Laughter ]

It's my interpretation of you.

I was getting a real dictator

eating a fruit vibe off of you.

Tips are appreciated.

Whatever you feel.

What is he giving you?

What does he got right there?

$ .

Thank you so much.

How does he give him $ ?

I don't know!

He's h*tler holding a banana.

He's like --

-Yeah.

I really appreciate it.

[ Ding! ]

Stupid $ .

Narrator: Joe, Murr, and Sal are

all hanging at loser central.

We're in the market

for a new roommate.

Yeah, we're gonna be

interviewing strangers

and making sure they're okay

with our peculiar living habits.

For some reason,

no one answered Q's ad,

so the lucky bastard gets

a free pass on this one.

Little side note -- Joe and I

are actually roommates together.

Big side note --

I need a new roommate.

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

Hey, Tim, how you doin'?

Good to meet you, buddy.

Welcome.

Come on in.

Thanks, man.

Thank you.

That's why I don't want

to lose it,

so I'm just looking

for a new roommate.

So this is the living room.

You know, kitchen.

This is where

the guy's moving out.

Murr:

Joey, show him the chart we put

on the side of the bathroom.

This here...

It's your daily poop chart.

And here's the --

our use log.

It's a common bathroom.

You know, I just record my logs.

Everything's been

pretty solid lately.

Wait a second.

[ Laughs ]

-Yeah, so --

-That's pretty detailed.

It's a log for my logs.

[ Laughter ]

What about

your sleeping habits?

Are you a light sleeper,

heavy sleeper?

Pretty heavy, I guess.

"Listen, I sleep nude."

Up there, it gets hot, too,

so I sleep nude.

"And I sleepwalk."

And I sleepwalk,

so if I end up in your

bedroom, don't wake me.

It's dangerous.

All right.

"I do have really loud orgasms."

It's kind of embarrassing.

But, I mean,

I have really loud orgasms.

[ Laughter ]

Go on and demonstrate.

It's -- you know,

it's like...

"Ahhhhhh!"

All right, man, well,

I just want to know, do you --

would you like to live here?

♪♪

♪♪

Up there, it gets hot, too,

so I sleep nude.

And I sleepwalk, so if I end up

in your bedroom, don't wake me.

It's dangerous.

All right, man.

Well, I just want to know,

do you --

would you like to live here?

I think we could be roommates.

That's awesome.

Oh!

I'm actually nervous.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Give him

a dead-fish handshake.

How's everything?

Good to see you.

-Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

How are you?

Hi. How are you?

Joe:

Now hightail it to the bedroom.

Power walk.

Um, and let me

show you the bedroom.

[ Laughter ]

"Both my therapist

and my parole officer say

I'm ready

for a roommate again."

Yeah, this is terrific, too,

'cause both my therapist

and parole officer say

I'm ready

for a roommate again, so...

Okay.

So, your therapist and parole

officer -- what happened?

Eh, long story.

[ Laughter ]

Why don't you have a seat

right on the couch?

Murr:

Now power-walk into the kitchen.

[ Record scratches ]

[ Laughter ]

"What's up with him?"

[ Laughter ]

Man:

So, what do you do?

Slowly raise the glass up

higher and higher

as you talk to them.

Well, I mean, I work.

I'm hardly ever here.

I'm out of town,

so you have to,

you know, just keep

in touch and stuff.

And I was gone for, like,

three weeks.

But normally, you know, ,

hours a work week I put in.

Joe: Sal, you think

you can keep talking,

take the water from her,

and just have both hands up

with cups of water?

Yeah.

Also shared with me

the same thing, too.

She said that, too.

Mm-hmm.

[ Laughter ]

Just sit on the floor.

Lay flat on the floor.

Have you seen other places

in the neighborhood

that are comparable?

Start pushing yourself back.

Joe:

Just keep moving away.

-Just go as far as you can.

-This place is great.

I like to just, like, see

everything that I can and --

I'm totally cool.

Like, I'm laid back.

I like to have fun.

So would you be ready

to move in or...

[ Laughter ]

[ Buzzer ]

Joe: Okay, let's see if Murr

can bag a roomie.

Hi, man.

James.

Nice to meet you.

How are you?

What's your name?

-Sidan.

-Thanks for coming by.

-No problem.

-What do you do, man?

I do stocks

in the neighborhood.

Murray, match his excitement.

I'm originally

from Borough Park.

-Are you serious?

-Yeah!

[bleep] yeah, man!

That's awesome, bro!

That's awesome!

Murray doesn't know

what to do right now.

Murray is outmatched.

[ Laughter ]

"Follow me, follow me,

follow me!"

Dude, follow me around.

Man, this is awesome.

We've got

the kitchen over here.

You know, we've got

bedroom closet over here.

[bleep]

-Now back to the other room.

And here we can totally

have like parties out here.

We can -- seriously,

we can [bleep] rock, man.

You know what I mean?

Sidan:

I love this guy.

Jump over the furniture.

[ Laughter ]

You are the best!

[ Laughter ]

So what do you say?

You want to move in?

Yeah!

[ Ding! ]

Calm down, you idiot.

He looks like

he's trying to take off.

I am so glad I didn't have

to do any of this.

That's attractive.

Do that on national television.

Narrator: Sal found himself

a nice little place --

last place.

We're here at the longest line

in Manhattan.

Murr: These people have been

waiting for hours

to get discount

Broadway tickets.

What do we have to do,

gentlemen?

Cut that line.

You've got to score

those tickets.

You get thrown off the line,

you lose.

Joe: Here goes Murray.

He's going.

Sal: He's walking right --

oh, my God.

Q: And he's in.

[ Laughter ]

The guy was in shock

and didn't say anything.

Part of me hopes

Murray gets arrested.

[ Laughs ]

Part of you?

All of me.

Every part of me

hopes Murray gets arrested.

I cannot believe how far

he's making it.

He keeps bumping into people

while he's doing this

fake picture-take thing.

Sorry.

Excuse me.

[ Record scratches,

siren wailing ]

[ Chuckling ] Oh.

He's been spotted.

♪♪

We're not --

We're just friends right now.

We used to be together,

and now --

She's not with me at all.

She doesn't want to be

with me anymore.

[ Laughter ]

I know, but our relationship

issue isn't really something

I'd like to discuss.

I know.

[ Laughing ]

Look at his face!

No, no.

Not at all, not at all.

I'll step out.

All: Oh!

[ Buzzer ]

[ Laughter ]

Joe:

Yeah, Sal's going in.

Q: This is the worst thing

in the world.

Joe: Oh, he's gonna try

to do the unclip.

I think he's going about this

the wrong way.

Oh, I went around.

I went to the front, and then

I went back in the side

and came back through,

and then I ended up here.

[ Laughing ] Oh, my God.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

Q: Now he's in the soup.

No, this is my good friends.

Everybody here

is a friend of mine.

[ Laughter ]

Let him know

that we're together.

Let him know we're together.

No, I-I-I-I...

No, what happened was...

[ Laughter ]

[ Buzzer ]

♪♪

There he goes.

Sorry.

Larry?!

Larry?!

I was calling you, Larry!

Larry!

[ Laughter ]

He's cutting the whole --

[ Laughs ] He was...

Larry!

Larry!

He's cutting the whole line

by simply shouting "Larry."

Larry!

Larry!

Larry!

I was calling you!

It is foolproof. He's cutting

everyone and no one.

Larry!

I was looking for ya.

[ Laughter ]

No, he's not Larry.

Oh. That's a shame.

Wasn't Larry.

[ Buzzer ]

[ Laughter ]

Excuse me one second.

Pardon me.

Joe: Look, he's going right

to the front.

I'm sorry about that.

I don't wait on lines.

I'm sorry. Excuse me.

Pardon me.

I just don't wait on lines,

so I'm just gonna get

"Lion King" tickets.

Hey, can I get two

for "The Lion King"?

[ Laughter ]

Thank you.

[ Laughter ]

[ Ding! ]

Narrator: Joe, Murr,

and Sal couldn't cut the line,

making Sal tonight's big loser.

We're here at the bookstore

to punish Sal.

Congrats, buddy.

You are the author

of a brand-new book.

And we have set up

a book-reading

with people from a book club.

And they're here

to meet the author.

Sal's going to read an excerpt

from the book

that we wrote for him.

♪♪

Joe: Okay, so, what

Sal doesn't know

is that his book

is completely blank.

Q: He's gonna have to make it up

as he goes along.

He's on his own, man.

That's what happens

when you lose.

My name is Sal Vulcano.

I'm a new author.

And I was gonna read an excerpt

for you guys

from the book today.

♪♪

Murr:

Congrats, buddy.

You are the author

of a brand-new book.

We have set up

a book-reading downstairs

with a bunch of people

from a book club,

and they're here

to meet the author.

Joe: Okay,

so, what Sal doesn't know

is that his book

is completely blank.

Q: He's gonna have to make it up

as he goes along.

Hi, everyone.

How are you?

How's everyone doing?

Thank you for coming.

Thank Book Culture

for having me.

My name is Sal Vulcano.

I'm a new author.

This is my first published work.

And I was gonna read an excerpt

for you guys

from the book today.

The book is called

"Keeping the Faith: My Battle

with Chronic Flatulence."

[ Laughter ]

It's a very raw book.

I don't pull any punches.

Okay, so, I'll begin.

[ Laughter ]

[ Chuckles ] Yeah.

Um, okay.

[ Laughter ]

Uh...

Just making sure they marked

the right page for me.

Yeah.

Uh...

[ Laughter ]

It began when I was just a baby.

The nurses and doctors,

they suspected

that there may be

an internal intestinal issue,
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