01x09 - A Loser Presents

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: back at the castle

Of white...

Welcome to white castle,

Bitch.

[ Laughter ]

Narrator: ...at a

Nightclub...

Do you have your i.d.?

Yes, I do.

Male or female?

[ Laughs ]

Narrator: ...and in a mall.

[ Laughs ]

[ Screams ]

Narrator: plus, tonight's big

Loser gets a lesson in

Humiliation .

[ Laughter ]

Welcome to the castle of

White, again!

I cannot believe they let us

Back here.

We're going to be working

Behind the register and doing

And saying what the other guys

Tell us.

The goal is to get a tip.

If you don't get a tip, you

Lose.

Get your socks out,

Gentlemen.

It's game time.

Welcome to white castle, sir.

Can I help you?

Can I get a number one?

Okay. One sec. One sec.

[ Beeping ]

What the [bleep] am I doing

Wrong?

Ah, it's not so easy, is it,

Buddy?

We all had a good laugh at me

Last time.

'Tis confusion.

[ Laughter ]

Squire!

[ Laughter ]

Excuse me, could you give me

A hand, here?

This guy doesn't know it's a

Show.

He came in late.

"What do you think, you're

The king of the white castle

'Cause you know how to run a

Register?"

I get it.

You're the king of the

White castle.

[ Chuckling ] I get it.

[ Beeping ]

[ Laughter ]

A crave case? You got it.

Okay. One crave case.

Seal this.

Murr, crush it right now.

Stop what you're doing and crush

That case.

[ Laughter ]

Sealed nice and tight.

One crave case. Who's next?

[ Laughter ]

I'm craving another one.

So, no tip?

No tip.

Oh!

Bam!

Oh, hey, sal, we forgot to

Congratulate you.

About what?

[ Laughs ]

Here comes joe.

Excuse me one second.

Just got to put this up.

[ Laughter ]

Congratulations.

I must have been horrible in

A former life.

Can we get a round of

Applause for our sal here?

He's employee of the year at

White castle.

Congratulations, buddy.

[ Laughter ]

You guys, if you do that to

Me again, our real relationship

Is gonna be in jeopardy.

[ Laughter ]

Welcome to white castle,

Bitch.

[ Laughter ]

All right.

Welcome to white castle, bitch.

[ Laughter ]

Small coke and a sack choice.

I didn't ask for a sack.

I asked for a small order of fri

Sorry. I'll change that for you.

Sal, go get a burger.

"This one's for you, on the

House."

Hey, I'm sorry about that.

What are sorry about?

It's free, on the house.

Thank you.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, yeah, man!

I appreciate you keeping that

Between us.

[ Laughter ]

No problem.

A dozen white castles.

A dozen. Sure.

Tell this guy you'll give him

His whole order for free if he

Shows you his tits.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, my god.

Your total is $ . .

I will give you this whole thing

Free if you show me your tits.

[ Laughter ]

Whoa.

The whole thing for free.

No way.

$ . .

[ Laughter ]

And if you feel like you've had

Exceptional service, we do

Accept tips.

It's not necessary.

Thank you very much.

I really appreciate it.

Okay, and then what kind of

Sauce did you want with that?

Joey, walk away and come back

Wearing nothing except your

Apron.

[ Laughter ]

Okay. Give us one second.

Wait right here.

We'll be right out for you.

Jesse?

[ Laughter ]

So, you got the onion rings and

Then the...

A cup.

Oh, a cup. You needed a cup.

[ Laughter ]

Where are your clothes?

White castle regulations is the

Cap and apron.

Did you need something?

[ Laughter ]

Joe, start cleaning up.

[ Laughter ]

Sorry?

Are you the manager here?

No, I'm not the manager.

Not yet. Working on it.

[ Laughter ]

Joe, hide from these guys.

Five pieces of chicken.

Did you guys want one of the

Ones that are on the window?

[ Laughter ]

Or just the nine?

Just the number nine?

What's the one on the window?

It's a sack meal nine.

Oh, the one that's on the first

Thing there.

[ Laughter ]

Can you crawl out and come in

The front door?

[ Laughter ]

That's the number nine on the

Front window.

[ Laughter ]

Four cents is your change.

Thanks so much.

There is a tip cup there for

Gratuity if you enjoyed --

Thank you so much.

I really appreciate it.

Thank you.

Geez.

[ Ding! ]

This is the best thing I feel

Like we've ever done to one of

Us.

We have got q's dad to come here

Today.

Q has no idea.

If you think it's hard for us to

Say these things to strangers,

The only way we can top

Ourselves is if we have to speak

It to our own parent.

Here he is. Here he is.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Laughter ]

What the [bleep]

[ Laughter ]

What am I supposed to do,

Pretend this isn't my father?

[ Laughter ]

Dad, what are you doing here?

[ Laughter ]

All right.

Here we go.

Well, what can I help you with,

Three hamburgers.

Sir?

Three burgers?

"Let me ask you a question,

Pops -- you and mom still poke?"

[ Laughter ]

"What's up, pops?

You and mom still poke?"

Everybody settle down.

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughing ] do you and mom --

[ Laughter ]

I knew it. He can't do it.

I can't breathe.

It's impossible.

Do it!

You understand I have to --

[ Chuckles ]

[ Laughter ]

So, with that, do you and mom --

[ Clears throat ]

So is that to stay or to go,

Dad?

To stay?

Oh!

Stay? Okay.

All right, pop, well, here's

Your change.

What do you say, dad.

Can I get a tip?

It's raining out.

Carry an umbrella.

That's the tip I get.

[ Laughter ]

My father didn't tip me.

[ Buzzer ]

Oh, good sir.

Cheers to the winners.

Two losers.

[Bleep]

[ Laughter ]

You lose, you get smacked

Like a bitch.

Time to party.

We're at our second home, the

Nightclub.

Tonight, we're working as

Bouncers at glo nightclub in

Long island.

But hold it!

It's a joker versus joker

Challenge!

Raise your sh*t glass high,

Gentlemen.

Whoever finishes first does not

Have to compete.

One, two, three, go!

Wait. I don't drink.

I want to do this one.

I want to see them ladies!

[ Laughs ]

All right, joey's in, guys.

Let's go, joey.

This is your line.

Great. Thanks.

Hi.

Three of us.

Three of you.

Yes.

You have your i.d.?

Yes, I do.

Okay.

"Male or female?"

Uh...

Male or female?

[ Laughter ]

I'm a female.

You're all set up.

Joe, lift open the gate to

Let all the girls in.

Okay, now close it.

Wait a second.

[Bleep] no!

Now let in a bunch of guys.

[ Laughs ]

Any guys by themselves.

You're in. Do it.

"I need more sausage!

I need more sausage!"

I need more sausage.

More sausage.

Bring it up, sausage.

This is crazy.

I know, but it's a taco party in

There right now.

[ Laughter ]

Go over to the main line and

Try to get a tip.

[ Groans ]

[ Groans ]

[ Laughter ]

Put the money!

[ Coughs ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Groans ]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[ Chuckles ]

Keep doing it.

Just keep doing it.

There's your money.

Keep doing it.

[ Laughter ]

More?

[ Grunts ] yeah.

[ Laughs ]

[ Ding! ]

Q, see those girls?

Just go, "you believe in god?"

Hi.

Hi.

Do you believe in god?

Of course.

Just walk away.

[ Laughter ]

If yoda was a doorman, what

Would he be like, q?

Show me.

[ As yoda ] i.d., You have?

Here.

[ Groans ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Groans ]

He has to waste time.

Wise ass, you are.

Me?

In, you get not.

[ Laughter ]

You two, in.

Stay, you will.

[ Laughter ]

Laugh not now, douche bag.

[ Laughter ]

Don't let him get in until he

Starts acting like yoda, too.

In club, you want?

Yes sir.

Talk like me, you must.

[ Laughter ]

I don't know if I can...

Do or do not. There is no try.

[ Laughter ]

Q, ask this woman if she's on

The list.

You guys on someone's list?

The "we should have a

Threesome" list.

Come on.

[ Chuckles ]

Q, ask this woman if she's on

The list.

You guys on someone's list?

The "we should have a

Threesome" list.

[ Chuckles ]

So, you're on will call.

All right, go. Yeah.

Go right in.

Man, how's your mom? Good?

Good to see you.

Oh, no, no.

No losers in the club.

Narrator: q's loss puts him

On top of the loser list.

Is he in line for utter

Humiliation?

Sal wins for worst nightclub

Experience.

I did get peed on in a

Nightclub, yeah.

[ Laughs ] by who?

I was talking to two girls

Next to me.

I said, "oh, I'm feeling a weird

Sensation."

[ Laughter ]

I turn around, there's just a

Drunk guy there peeing on us.

[ Laughs ]

Like, you ever see the

Cartoon with the eyes coming out

Of the head?

I was like, "aah!"

[ Laughter ]

We're about to blow your minds

With our knowledge of celestial

Beings.

By that you mean we're about

To give out fake horoscopes at

The jersey gardens mall.

That's right.

And we're gonna have to try

And get a tip despite doing

Whatever stupid stuff the other

Guys tell us to do.

Q's horoscope says to avoid

Contact with people today, so he

Gets to sit this one out.

How's it going? Good.

We're doing some complimentary

Horoscope readings today.

Absolutely free.

Promotion in the mall.

Okay.

Excellent. Have a seat.

Okay, so, what's your birthday?

Joe, don't stop moving your

Hands.

Do you know what time you

Were born?

Morning, night?

No? Okay.

I don't remember.

And you are in a relationship

Yes, I'm married.

Currently?

Yes. You're married.

And how long were you married?

Three months.

Three months ago.

Keep going.

You have three months that

You're married.

You did the whole ring thing

Three months ago, and now you

Guys are happy?

Are you sad? What's that?

Joe, ride a horse.

What is the most important

Time that you...

Oh my god.

Do a push-up.

Positive things happen.

[ Laughter ]

Do a cartwheel.

[ Laughter ]

Do a somersault.

[ Laughter ]

And that's our reading.

This was complimentary, but

You're allowed to give a tip if

You'd like.

I don't have anything.

That's okay.

I appreciated talking to you.

He usually kills it.

That was like an olympic

Event, and he got nothing for

It.

The moon's in a bad place

Right now.

[ Buzzer ]

Come on in. Have a seat.

What sign are you?

Aquarius.

Aquarius.

Murr, did she just say

Something?

What's that?

What?

I'm sorry, did you just --

No, I didn't

Oh, okay.

Interesting personality traits

About an aquarius --

"What?"

What?

What?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you said something.

Aquarius, as I was saying, they

Tend to be a little bit

Stubborn.

Huh?

What?

Huh?

Wha?

What?

[ Laughter ]

Okay. I'll let you go. Go ahead.

I didn't say anything.

Oh.

My last piece of advice --

What was that?

Huh?

What?

Huh?

[ Laughter ]

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought I missed something.

This service is free here in the

Mall today.

That being said, if you feel so

Inclined to give a tip.

No thank you.

Thank you. So, no tip. Okay.

[ Buzzer ]

Sit down. Have a seat there.

When is your birthday?

September th.

So, you are a virgo.

"Do you know where the term

'Virgo' comes from?"

Do you know where the term

"Virgo" comes from?

"It comes from..."

It comes from...

[ Sighs ]

A beautiful day out, isn't it,

Guys?

[ Laughter ]

Do you where cancer comes from?

Do you know where cancer

Comes from?

No.

Carcinogens.

Really?

Yes.

I mean, well -- [ laughs ]

Everything is hysterical.

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ]

Just keep laughing, buddy.

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ]

I said, "do you know where

Cancer comes from?"

You said, "where?"

I said, "carcinogens."

And then you were looking over

There.

Keep going. Keep going.

[ Laughs ]

I'm like, "what?"

[ Laughs ]

[ Screams ]

[ Laughing ]

I love it.

"Oh, so let's get serious.

Stars say you're gonna die

Within a month."

Let's get serious.

Looks like you're gonna die

Soon.

[ Laughter ]

If you feel so inclined and you

Wanted to leave a tip, if you

Felt like you had good service,

Yeah, I will.

You can.

Oh, he just got a tip.

[ Ding! ]

Narrator: with a tie, it all

Comes down to the final

Challenge.

Later, what will tonight's big

Loser have to do that shocks

This crowd?

I never used the pick-up line

To a girl, "what's your sign?"

Why, who has?

I haven't.

He hasn't.

[ Laughs ]

Sometimes it works.

Everything about you is,

"Giggity, giggity."

Quagmire -- you look like him,

You act like him, you think like

Him.

Murr is the real-life version

Of an animated character?

[ Laughter ]

Welcome to

Grand central terminal.

And we're with the american

International travel bureau, and

We're interviewing strangers.

The interviews are gonna

Suck.

Why, sal?

Because we have to do and say

What the other guys tell us.

So, I'm here with leeanne.

Hi.

And you are visiting from?

New zealand.

Where have you been so far in

New york?

We've been to chinatown.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Is this woman hitting on you?

Done a lot, you know.

[ Chuckles ]

I'm very flattered, but I'm

Taken.

Okay, next question.

Yeah, next question.

[ Laughs ]

What are some of the

Differences between new zealand

And new york?

"Very flattered.

But I'm married."

Again, I'm sorry.

I'm married.

[ Laughter ]

I'm married, so, I'm taken.

[ Laughter ]

Sal, grab that bride and

Groom.

Grab the bride and groom.

Oh, my god.

What made you choose to come

To grand central?

Is that bride flirting with

You?

Are you flirting with me?

Like, it's so awkward.

[ Laughter ]

I feel so embarrassed about it.

I feel red.

'Cause he's your husband, and

You're flirting with me.

[ Ding! ]

I'm here today with?

George.

Murr, ask this guy one

Question and just have him keep

Talking.

Where are you from?

I'm originally from

San francisco.

Keep going.

Yeah, used to live here when

They were real young.

[ Laughter ]

But here in new york's

Fantastic.

Anyway, hopefully that's enough.

Just a little, teeny bit.

Fans are great.

[ Laughter ]

A lot of fun to watch.

Anyway. There you go.

Great.

So, let's do one now with the

Cameras rolling.

Ready?

[ Laughter ]

James reporting here with

Valerie.

You know, new york city is known

Specifically for its

Attractions.

"Can you explain to me why

I'm attracted to that fine

Cougar booty of yours?"

[ Laughter ]

Can --

New york city is known for its

Attractions.

You got him.

Can you you explain to me...

Come on.

James reporting here with

Valerie.

You know, new york city is known

Specifically for its

Attractions.

"Can you explain to me why

I'm attracted to that fine

Cougar booty of yours?"

[ Laughter ]

Can --

New york city is known for its

Attractions.

You got him.

Can you you explain to me...

Come on.

...which attraction you think

Is the best?

We're doing a bit today on

New york and travel...

Let's see you do the whole

Interview in french.

...for our french affiliate.

Do you speak french?

Je parle francais. Oui.

Oh, you speak french.

I live in france in the

Summers.

You live in france in the

Summers.

Talk your way out of this

One [bleep]

Je ne sais quoi.

Vis-à-vis, uh...

[ Laughing ] "vis-à-vis."

"Sh-wee." "Sh-wee."

Vidal sassoon?

[ Laughter ]

What?

[ Babbling in french accent ]

You sound like a gorilla

Taking a dump.

[ Continues babbling ]

All right, joe's in.

Hi. What's your name?

Hi. I'm ally.

Whisper every question to

Her.

[ Whispering indistinctly ]

Hi.

Don't bend towards her.

Make her come towards you.

[ Whispering indistinctly ]

What?

It's a sensitive microphone,

So it's directional, so...

Okay. Okay.

[ Whispering indistinctly ]

[ Laughter ]

What are you saying?

[ Whispering indistinctly ]

What?

Thank you so much for being

Here.

Thank you.

Signing off.

Thanks so much.

Have a great day.

What would you say are the

Greatest things to do and see

Here?

I would definitely say the

Food is fantastic.

The buildings are wonderful.

Maybe you should console him.

He's getting too emotional, joe.

Hold on one second.

You're getting a little

Emotional.

You okay?

Oh! Oh, no.

Oh, yeah, no, I'm fine.

No, I'm fine.

Cool.

What is your thoughts on

New york pizza versus pizza

You've had elsewhere?

I had a slice a few weeks

Ago.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to bring that up,

Then.

I apologize for bringing that

Up.

I'm just trying to lighten the

Mood.

It's getting a little bit heavy.

I just want to make sure

Everything's good.

You know you're not being

Offensive at all, right?

Well, you're okay?

Yeah.

Because I'm really worried

About you.

Give us a second.

I mean, everything I ask just

Feels like it's just hitting

Really home, so I'm just trying

To keep it, like, a fluff piece.

Mm-hmm.

So you know what?

I got one more.

We'll back it up one more.

Do you normally buy tickets

Online or no?

No, I buy them right --

[Bleep]

Okay, so we should just stop.

We should just stop now.

Narrator: murr derails at the

Train station, and that makes

Him tonight's big loser.

We're back to school...

For murr's punishment.

Behind us is a room full of

College kids.

Murr is their substitute

Teacher.

He's got to give a presentation

He's never seen.

What's the topic of the

Presentation?

You'll find out.

You'll see.

Get out there.

Fine! I'll go!

Oh [bleep]

Get out there.

Fine! I'll go!

Oh [bleep]

Hi, everybody. How are you?

Can you hear me?

Is this thing working?

Hi, I'm james, your

Substitute professor.

So, we've got a short powerpoint

Presentation called

"Social networking and you!"

Uh, okay, so, a few facts about

The internet.

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughing ] this is -- it's

Funny, but it's true.

Jesus was the first blogger.

[ Laughter ]

Let's see him get through

This.

Think about what jesus did

For a second.

He spread a message.

Is there any difference between

Jesus and a blogger?

There really isn't, right?

Bloggers are the new jesus!

[ Laughter ]

Two things I am constantly doing

Online -- first, making money.

The second thing is casual

Encounters.

I often make money through

Casual encounters.

[ Laughter ]

He walked himself into that

One.

Moving on.

Okay, three volunteers for a

Demonstration.

Come on up.

Thank you so much, guys.

Okay, so, just a quick

Demonstration...

That we will begin now.

[ Laughter ]

Okay.

So, the demonstration is this.

It's very simple.

[ Laughter ]

Let's say this is -- you're on a

Social-networking site.

What would your first message

That you type to them be?

Did you get the assignment?

So, that's the power of

Internet.

Great. Thank you so much.

Moving on.

So, social networking is based

On the same exact core principle

As bipolar magnetic reversal

Theory.

[ Laughter ]

What is bipolar magnetic

Reversal theory?

Anyone know?

Is, uh...

So, bipolar -- two opposite

Things.

Reversal...

[ Laughter ]

Social networking is the same as

That.

[ Laughter ]

Okay, so, "how to make cash."

So, "social networking equals

Farts."

What does that mean?

[ Laughter ]

A fart is what?

It spreads and takes up the

Entire room, and suddenly,

There's no escaping it.

You can't see it.

It's everywhere. It's invisible.

Is not the internet the same as

A fart?

[ Laughter ]

I hope this has been enjoyable

For all of you, so thank you so

Much.

And that is social networking

And you, gentlemen.

Wow, that's...