01x15 - Pick a Loser

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: coming up, the guys

Make murr pucker up.

Here he goes, here he goes.

What are you doing?

Narrator: sal gets caught

Cheating.

I'll tell you, you're full of

[Bleep] right now.

Don't even try.

You know what you did.

Narrator: and joe chases his

Own tail.

You don't move.

He's so out of breath right

Now.

Narrator: plus, tonight's big

Loser humiliates himself in

Front of , people.

[ Laughter ]

We're here at fairway

Supermarket, and we're eating

Out of other people's carts.

That's what we're doing.

We got to grab their food,

Shove it in our mouths, and eat

It right in front of them.

The goal is to eat as much

Produce as you can.

Whoever eats the least amount

Will lose.

And chocolate's a vegetable.

[ Laughter ]

So I'm gonna win.

That's not a statement of

Fact at all.

I'm nervous.

These are so --

Those are so good.

What are those called?

Clementines.

[ Buzzer ]

[ Laughter ]

Oh, my god.

Grape -- grape tomatoes.

Those are so good.

They're so good for cooking and

Stuff.

[ Buzzer ]

[ Laughter ]

Nobody wants to talk to you.

He purposely went around you.

If this happened to me, I

Would think the person's a

Psychopath.

Just do what comes

Naturally -- swipe food in front

Of you.

I'm surprised you haven't been

In that trough behind you.

You're talking to me like

You're not fat.

Joe, how does this fruit smell

From over there?

Ha ha! Nose joke. Nice.

Go.

Let me stop you right there,

'Cause grapes are my jam.

[ Laughter ]

Grapes are my jam!

[ Laughter ]

No pun intended.

That's my one.

But they're my jam!

[ Laughter ]

But...

Blueberries are my jam, too!

[ Ding! ]

All right, murr's up.

I would totally get those if

I were you.

This?

Yeah, I bought it like two weeks

Ago.

They're so good, so fresh.

And it's almost as good as these

That you have, the cantaloupe.

The good thing about these, if

You try them, they're really,

Really good, really fresh.

That's one!

Like, so, so good.

You can't get this in other

Stores.

The only thing not as good as

Other places is this one that

You got -- the mango slices.

[ Laughter ]

In this store, these aren't

Nearly as good.

Look -- they're not as good as

The other ones.

I do have to tell you...

That these that you're

Getting...

Oh, my god!

The great thing about the

Pomegranate seeds here is

They're super-super-fresh.

[ Laughter ]

They're really good.

You guys from the neighborhood

Or no?

[ Ding! ]

You look like a w*r vet...

[ Laughter ]

...that's come home and all you

Have is just enough for fruit.

[ Laughter ]

"The things I seen.

You don't understand.

It was dirty over there!"

[ Laughter ]

Ah. Ah.

There, on your left.

What's, she strawberrying?

Uh...

[ Buzzer ]

Too slow, buddy.

[ Laughter ]

There you go, q -- get that

Lady.

He's in, he's in

I'm gonna eat that tomato.

Come on, come on, come on.

Come on!

Okay.

[ Laughter ]

It's tough to do.

This is your man.

Here he goes.

That guy looks like he'd

Kick your ass, man.

He does, he does.

Q, that guy just he left his

Cart.

Boom!

I'm eating your grapes, bro!

[ Ding! ]

[ Laughter ]

Boom!

These grapes are delicious.

[ Laughter ]

Those are some delicious grapes,

My man.

What the f*** is wrong

With you, man?

Oh, so much.

[ Laughter ]

[ Ding! ]

The apple greens?

Yeah.

Oh, here we go, here we go.

Here we go, here it is.

$ . For the pack?

Yeah.

Oh, then they're individually

Wrapped.

[ Laughter ]

No one said it was gonna be

Easy, buddy.

So it's a lot of work,

Really, if you want to get down

To the apple.

[ Ding! ]

Are you allowed to do that?

Well, what is allowed?

[ Chuckles ]

Shove them all in your mouth.

Get them in there!

Okay.

Enjoy.

Bye now.

Okay, thank you.

Dying.

[ Ding! ]

[ Laughter ]

What the [bleep]

[ Ding! ]

Here's a tip -- don't

Announce to people when you're

Stealing.

Might make it easier.

What the [bleep]

Boom!

[ Laughter ]

I'm afraid to steal because

You can get arrested.

Right.

If you get arrested, who would

You call, out of us?

If you had one phone call?

I'd probably call q because

He's got connections.

I probably wouldn't call murray

Because, um...

I just wouldn't.

[ Laughter ]

The thing about murr is, he

Cannot keep his lips off people.

It's weird.

So we've come up with the

Perfect challenge for murr.

He's got to go up and try to

Make out with strangers.

And if he can't get them to

Kiss him, he loses.

Who is he playing against?

Both: not it.

[ Laughter ]

Sal is on the prowl.

Blond. Blond in the white.

Excuse me.

I want to get to the financial

District.

Okay.

I know that I'm here.

She's hot.

Can I swap in on this?

[ Laughter ]

Uh, no.

Anything that says going to

South street.

I really appreciate it.

Hey, no problem.

[ Record scratches ]

No.

[ Laughter ]

She thought about it.

The girl with the dreadlocks.

Excuse me.

Do you know if the subway's

Around here, by any chance?

Yeah, there's a train station

Over there.

You are the greatest.

And the closest one is right

There.

Nobody would even look at me

Today.

She's nice.

You're the nicest person.

He's gonna kiss her.

Cheers, man.

Mwah! I love you.

All right, that's enough.

I'm gonna punch you in the

Stomach.

No.

[ Laughter ]

[ Ding! ]

"I'm gonna punch you in the

Stomach."

That went from the nicest

Person I met all day to "I'm

Going to as*ault you."

How about that guy?

I'm really nervous.

Excuse me, sir.

I'm trying to get to the

Museum of natural history.

The museum of natural history

Is straight up there.

Is it walkable?

It's a -minute walk.

Here he goes.

Cool. Thank you.

Um...

Today is tuesday, right?

Thank you so much.

[ Laughing ]

Oh, here you go, here you go.

Here you go.

Here's for murray.

Red? The red jacket?

The guy.

Oh, the guy.

Not another guy.

Oh, my god.

I'm trying to get up to the

Metropolitan museum of art, and

I just don't know where that is.

Here it is, here it is, here

It is.

You follow that, right there.

Perfect.

Thank you so much, man.

Alright, buddy.

What are you doing?

Oh, here you go, here you go.

Here's for murray.

The red jacket?

The red ja--

The guy?

Oh, the guy.

Oh, my god.

In my life, I will never look

Like that guy.

The only way I'm ever gonna look

Like that guy is cut my head off

And put it on his body.

I'm trying to get up to the

Metropolitan museum of art, and

I just don't know where that is.

Here it is, here it is, here

It is.

You follow that, right there.

Perfect.

Thank you so much, man.

Alright, buddy.

[ Record scratches ]

What are you doing?

What?

Get out of here.

What?

Get out of here.

Oh, it's just, uh...

Alright, go ahead.

You will hurt me, so I'm going

To go.

Yeah. I will.

[ Laughter ]

That guy was gonna --

Is he still staring at me?

[ Laughter ]

Girl on the fountain.

Black shirt by the fountain.

Excuse me.

I'm trying to get to the

Museum of natural history.

Is this walking distance up

There, or is that too far?

Oh, you could walk.

It's blocks.

She's giving him pillow talk

Right now.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Mm-hmm.

[ Ding! ]

I can't believe she kissed

Him.

What is she doing?

She needs to go wash her face

Right now.

Somebody get that girl some

Listerine.

We just witnessed murray's

First kiss.

[ Laughter ]

[ Ding! ]

Narrator: sal and murr both

Make out with a win.

It's embarrassing at this

Point in my life how out of

Shape I am.

Don't get so hard on

Yourself.

This is coming from you.

Let me start again.

I feel bad about how out of

Shape I am.

[ Laughter ]

We're in a bookstore, and

Today, we have to go up to

Strangers and say a really

Bizarre word to them.

Challenge is to get them to

Repeat the words back to us.

Hopefully the word's

"Paperback."

[ Laughter ]

All right, sal.

Try to get somebody to say the

Word gherkin.

Like a mini pickle.

I know what it is.

Like stop jerkin' my gherkin.

All right.

I don't know which one to

Choose.

I know, right?

There's, like, so many.

I don't know the difference.

I've got a little bit of a

Pickle going here.

A little bit of a gherkin.

[ Laughter ]

Speakin' of gherkin, I just ate

At the corner diner.

I had a cheeseburger.

They had a pickle -- crispest,

Best pickle I ever have had in a

While.

Some gherkin.

Yeah.

Do you like those?

A lot of people don't like them.

Have you had them?

I don't think I have.

Had what?

I don't think I've had one.

No.

Gherkin style.

Plus, it's fun to say --

Gherkin.

Right. Yeah, exactly --

Gherkin.

[ Ding! ]

Oh!

No, I don't know about that!

We have to check the bylaws on

That one, buddy.

"It's fun to say"?

You can't say that, right?

You subliminally suggested he

Say it.

You're suggesting he say it.

I'll tell you right now, I

Will fight you tooth and nail on

That.

We're gonna take a vote on

That right now.

No, it's not.

No way, buddy.

I didn't ask him to say

Anything.

Don't even try.

You know what you did.

I'll tell you you're full

Of [bleep] right now.

Majority rules, buddy.

[ Buzzer ]

[ Laughter ]

Q, you have to get somebody

To repeat the word hambone.

Hambone.

Hambone.

Hambone.

Buddy, you can't do it right

Now with him standing right

There...

What's up, dawg?

Not much.

How you doing?

You see a book here called

"Hambone"?

Uh, what's it about?

It's about bones in the ham.

[ Laughing ]

Have you ever heard of it

Before?

No.

In college, they called me

Hambone or hamboner.

[ Laughter ]

So when I heard that this book

Was coming out, I was like, "I

Got to read it," right?

Uh-huh.

Hambone.

Yeah.

Yeah what?

[ Laughter ]

I'm sorry?

What?

No, I'm just like yeah.

I thought you said something.

No, I didn't say anything.

Oh, okay.

[ Buzzer ]

Murr, get him to say the word

Caulk.

I'll try.

Like the stuff in the

Bathtub?

Yeah.

Not the thing you use on

Women?

I read this guy.

I've read that guy, by the way.

This top one that you've got.

Do you know his bio?

A little bit.

For like a brief time for one

Summer, he worked as a

Professional caulker, like the

Guys that build houses and

Stuff like that.

Like, designing with caulk.

Interesting.

Crazy, right?

Did that for like two summers,

Which my dad used to caulk

A lot.

He was a home-improvement guy.

Look at how confused this guy

Is.

He did a lot with caulk, and

It was fascinating to read.

I've done some caulking

Before.

[ Ding! ]

Ohh!

You've caulked before?

Son of a bitch!

He pulled that [bleep] off.

Joe, try and get this guy to

Say wazoo.

Oh, this is so annoying now.

I've got, like, all these

Bookmarks, and now they put the

Bookmarks in here, like,

Included in the book.

Wasted your time.

I know.

I've got a whole collection.

I have them out the wazoo.

In my house, all up in my wazoo,

I got so many bookmarks.

And now they just throw it in.

It's time for some kind of

Complaint.

My wazoo is filled with

Bookmarks.

[ Laughter ]

It is not an ideal situation for

My, uh...

For the wazoo, in general.

Exactly right!

Oh, my god!

Have a good day, sir.

I'm done. I'm done.

I don't even want to play this

Game anymore.

I'm sick of this [bleep]

This is ridiculous!

Narrator: with that, q and

Sal have losses up the wazoo.

Sal's lack of accountability.

It's always somebody else's

Fault.

If sal gets a flat tire, it's

The tire's fault.

Sal gets sick, it's somebody

Else's fault.

You make me sound like I

Don't take responsibility for

My actions.

It's not my fault you feel this

Way.

[ Laughter ]

Smile!

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

We are portrait photographers at

The jersey gardens mall.

We're gonna be offering

People free photo sessions, but

We do accept tips.

Now, it's not gonna be easy

To get a tip, though, because

We're going to be telling each

Other what to say and do.

The police have asked us

Never to give murr a camera

Again, so murr is gonna sit this

One out.

What's his name?

Joshua.

Hi, joshua.

We've planned a little

Something special for q.

Here we go.

Oh, he's looking right at the

Camera.

Oh, wait.

This is a perfect opportunity.

This is a perfect

Opportunity.

Let me just roll down a

Backdrop I have here.

Let me just roll down a

Backdrop.

Hold on.

I just got to roll down a

Backdrop.

I got a perfect backdrop for

You.

Open up those curtains.

Roll it down.

[ Laughter ]

What's his name?

Joshua.

Hi, joshua.

We've planned a little

Something special for q.

Here we go.

Oh, wait.

This is a perfect opportunity.

This is a perfect

Opportunity.

Let me just roll down a

Backdrop I have here.

Let me just roll down a

Backdrop.

I just got to roll down a

Backdrop.

I got a perfect backdrop for

You.

Open up those curtains.

Roll it down.

Good, roll it. Roll it.

You got it.

Okay.

[ Laughter ]

All right.

This is a perfect, perfect

Opportunity.

Oh, my god.

Here we go. Ready?

Everybody say...

All: milf!

We do accept gratuities if

You guys feel like it.

You don't have to.

No tip. Zero tip.

Yes!

[ Buzzer ]

That's really nice, really nice.

Okay, stay there.

Stay like that.

Sal's gonna love what's

Behind that curtain.

Stay in the pose that you

Were in.

Spread the backdrop.

Let's change the background a

Little.

Oh, man, please, no.

No, I got it!

It's all right, all right.

Roll it down.

There it is.

All right.

All right.

This is an old picture of me,

When I first thought of eating

Potatoes and taking photography.

Get them to kiss right in

Front of your face.

Okay, I want you to kiss.

Make it romantic, bro.

The three of you out on a date.

Guys, you're out on the town.

Three of us are out for a

Night on the town.

We're having fun, we're having

Fun.

Look at us -- we're hanging out

By the brick wall eating

Potatoes.

[ Laughter ]

Could you do me a favor?

Take a quick picture of me with

Myself.

[ Laughter ]

Can you do me a favor?

Yeah.

Can you take a quick picture

Of me with my old fat self?

[ Laughter ]

Make that face.

If you felt like you had a

Nice time, we do accept tips.

Will six dollars work?

$ . Thank you so much.

What?!

That's [bleep]

$ .

[ Ding! ]

Such a son of a bitch.

You know this joke is a very

Expensive joke.

I hope you appreciate it.

Shut up, joe.

[ Laughing ]

You gonna take pictures

Together?

Yeah.

You know, joe, you do better

Work when you're listening to

Music.

Oh, here we go.

In the drawer, there is an

Ipod.

Can you pull it out, buddy?

Come on, man.

With this.

Joe doesn't dance well, but

He dances with commitment.

We like to make it happen as

Much as possible.

The first track there, buddy.

Dance.

Okay, so let's --

Let's just have some fun.

Let's just loosen up.

Crazy dance moves.

Crazy [bleep]

The running man.

Like a drunk monkey.

He looks like a crazy person.

Hit number two.

We got some good running music.

Oh, come on with this.

Three laps. Three laps.

Have you ever heard of frijotski

Photography?

Frijotski.

No, I haven't.

It's a new thing where you

Freeze as I jotski.

Stay.

Stay there.

You don't move. Don't move.

Run, run!

Don't move.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

You're so gonna ruin it.

He's so out of breath right

Now.

Don't you ruin it!

Don't move!

[ Laughter ]

That's it, I'm done.

Here, give me a tip.

[ Laughter ]

Just give me a tip.

I'm done.

That's all I can handle.

[ Laughter ]

I'm spent, ladies.

Did you just tip me?

Aw, that was so nice.

It'll go right to my hospital

Bill.

[ Ding! ]

You would think calling a

Woman a milf is a compliment.

It was a surprise to me, but

I thought they'd like it.

News flash -- she didn't.

[ Laughter ]

Narrator: q was less than

Picture-perfect on that one.

Sal, how come you never like

A picture of yourself?

Well, this whole day and age

Now of "I'll take a picture of

You right now and upload it to

The internet right now"...

Take it easy, buddy.

People think they can do

Whatever they want, this whole

Digital era now.

"Oh, I'll take a picture of you

And it's forever."

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

[ Laughter ]

For years, sal and I have

Played this game where we inv*de

People's personal conversations.

Yes, we both know who's

Better at it, too.

Both: I am!

Settle this, already!

All right, bro, calm down.

Take it easy.

The goal is, joe and I have

To barge into people's

Conversations for at least

Seconds without getting

Kicked out.

I got bucks on joey.

Oh!

I got $ on sal.

[ Laughter ]

Sal's up.

Oh my gosh, she's like so--

Tell me about it, right?

Hoo!

What?

I know.

Totally, guys.

Yeah.

You never know about it.

Sometimes life hands you lemons,

So it's so true what you're

Saying...about --

What were you talking about?

Are you serious?

You can't ignore a giant

Loudmouth.

What I don't know about

Weddings could fill up a book,

Seriously?

Actually.

Stop it.

She said stop talking?

Yeah, no, I just --

Will you just get out of here?

Well, that's not seconds.

Here he goes, here he goes.

She never calls back.

I know. I tried to call her.

And then I called her

Earlier, and she was like what?

[ Laughter ]

You're fitting right into

The conversation.

I fit right into the

Conversation?

She has really got to learn to

Slow her roll.

You are % right.

You know how she gets.

Uh, thank you.

Sometimes she gets a little bit,

You know, eh, pms'y.

I didn't say it, but...

Yeah, you said it.

I did.

But two plus two equals four

With you % of the time.

Do you do this often?

...just like

Joing conversations?

All the time, just how people --

Five more seconds.

What's going on with you,

Big red?

Big red?

It's just us girls in the park.

He did it!

This challenge was not

Indicative of how many times

I've won in the past.

I just want to say that.

All that mattered was now,

Sal.

I'd like a rematch.

It's settled!

Narrator: that's right, murr.

It's settled.

Q is tonight's big loser.

[ Bat cracks ]

We're at a lakewood blueclaws

Minor league baseball game, and

We just sent q down to a

Specific seat.

We're gonna ask him to do

Something pretty gross in front

Of , people!

[ Cellphone rings ]

Hello?

We're at a lakewood blueclaws

Minor league baseball game, and

We just sent q down to a

Specific seat, where he's gonna

Sit and wait for further

Instruction.

[ Cellphone rings ]

Hello?

Hey, q?

Yeah.

We want you to start picking

Your nose.

Start picking your nose.

You do not stop.

Don't stop.

Do not stop.

Pick it!

[ Groans ]

Keep picking.

That's it.

Deeper.

It's about to get worse.

Look up.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, my god.

Oh, you got to eat it!

You got to eat it!

Oh, my god!

[ Laughing ]

Oh! Oh!

That's what I call a

Punishment.