01x11 - Starfart Macchiato

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: coming up...

You got to see it.

Narrator: ...the guys make

Joe play footsie.

Seriously?

Cross over to your seat over

Her.

Narrator: sal becomes the

Butt of the joke.

His ass is right in her face.

Narrator: and q wets himself.

I got shampoo in my eye.

Are you kidding me?

Narrator: plus tonight's big

Loser has to let 'er rip.

[fart]

What's wrong with you?

We're back in

Columbus circle, going up to

Complete strangers, asking,

"Don't I know you?"

The other guys will be

Holding up these cue cards with

Embarrassing details of how we

Supposedly know the person.

The goal is for us to get a

Stranger to admit that they know

Us.

And if we can't, we lose.

I know you, right?

No.

Ugh!

Dude, dude, it's james.

What's up, man?

James from where?

You don't remember me?

No.

Look carefully, man.

It was at denzel washington's

Son's sweet , remember?

No, man.

[ Laughter ]

Are you sure? Look carefully.

I'm looking.

I was the guy that couldn't get

Out of the spanx.

They were so tight, those spanx,

I couldn't get out of them.

Yeah?

You don't remember me, man?

James?

Well, anyways, I got a sister

Named larry.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, it's crazy.

Think hard, dude.

I'm telling you, we know each

Other.

No.

You don't remember me?

[ Laughter ]

Dude, you're k*lling me!

Nice try, sir, but no dice.

[ Buzzer ]

And then I says, "that's not

How hansel k*lled the witch.

It was --" hold on one second,

Ma.

I'm sorry. I forget your name.

Brian.

Yeah, we met -- we met at that

Redneck wedding.

I haven't been to a redneck

Wedding that I know of.

Brian.

I'm the -- the donkey -- I work

On the -- on the -- donkey

Proctologist.

[ Laughter ]

The donkey proctologist brian.

Anything else?

Well, I run a charity now for

Underprivileged male models.

The p.o.w. Camp?

No.

I mean, I don't start no ish

So there won't be no ish.

I know you. I know you.

Ike turner's going-away party.

Sorry.

I have no idea what you're

Talking about.

None of this is ringing a

Bell?

Don't I know you?

No.

Yeah. Brian.

I think I know you.

Really?

From the holiday inn hot tub.

Remember the hot tub party at

No.

The holiday inn?

No?

I'm the -- I'm the guy -- I'm

Addicted to rainbows.

I love rainbows.

I'm addicted to them.

I can't get enough of them.

No it's not me,

But that's kinda fun.

Okay.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, well, I thought --

Currently, currently I mean,

I-i-i-i -- I don't know what to

Say.

All right. Okay.

Well, it was nice meeting you

Today.

It's nice meeting you.

All right. That's very good.

Take it -- take it easy.

You wipe front to back?

I know.

I got "I wipe front to back."

I'm not saying that.

[ Buzzer ]

[ Laughter ]

Oh, hey, man, I'll call you

Back.

Joe. How's it going?

I don't know joe.

Yeah, you -- you don't know me?

You don't remember me?

No.

Yeah, seriously.

No.

No, I was the guy from

Gerbil fest.

Gerbil fest?

Gerbil fest, yeah.

Seriously?

No, it was like a couple months

Ago.

I had the -- I wrestled that

Mexican.

[ Laughter ]

Seriously?

From gerbil fest?

I moisturize mostly now with

Whale semen.

[ Laughter ]

Only during -- [ laughs ]

If that's not gonna ring a bell,

I don't know what is.

I go down next thursday.

Oh, hey.

Excuse me. Joe.

No, I'm not joe.

No, I'm joe.

You don't remember?

Oh, my god.

They're right in front of us.

I don't look familiar?

Where do you think you

Know me from?

Oh, god.

N-- I -- [ laughs ]

No?

I was the guy that got the handy

On the eiffel tower.

No?

I got punched by oprah winfrey.

No.

[ Laughs ] not at all?

My grand-grandfather was a

Racehorse.

[ Laughter ]

No? Nothing?

You'd remember a guy whose

Great-grandfather was a

Racehorse.

[ Buzzer ]

Hijinks continue. Here we go.

Hey, don't I know you?

Huh?

What's up? I'm sal.

I know you.

We met -- where'd we meet?

Fat mike's barbecue.

I have no idea.

Just this past summer.

Oh, god.

I slapped that damn nun in the

Face.

[ Laughter ]

She was at the party.

She was just so annoying.

We were all fooling around.

I have no idea.

Oh, man.

You don't remember me?

I'm the guy who...

Smuggles cocaine in my butt.

No, no, I don't...

Are you sure? Sal.

Yeah, I'm sure.

What's your name?

Ryan.

Yeah! Ryan!

I swear -- ryan!

No, he's not agreeing that he

Knows him.

Great to see you, man.

It's good to see you too.

Yeah.

Yeah, so fat mike has that about

Every three months now.

He's gonna have a winter party,

Too.

Oh really?

He's talking about fat mike.

He's still doing it.

Let's go...

Yeah, you got to definitely come

By.

All right, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

You remember me, right, ryan?

Yeah, I do.

Yeah! Ryan!

[ All groan ]

Sometimes I feel like it's just

Too easy.

[ Ding! ]

Hey, it's me!

Yeah!

Narrator: sal is the only one

Anyone will admit to knowing,

Making it a three-way tie on the

We are taking over

Loser boar

Ena's driving school, about to

Teach these students the rules

Of the road.

Well, badly -- these students

Have no idea what they're in

For.

Didn't you fail your driver's

Test like three times?

Four.

[ Laughter ]

Four times. Wait a second.

Hi. I'm james.

What's your name?

Amanda.

Amanda? So nice to meet you.

Have you driven before?

Never.

You've literally never driven a

Car before?

No.

She has no idea how to drive?

Murray's has got to keep his

Wits about him.

Yeah, just keep going down.

There you go.

Squeeze.

Squeeze.

Put your foot on the brake.

Switch it to my right

Foot on the pedal?

Take your foot off the brake.

Whoa! Hold on a [bleep] second!

[ Laughter ]

What -- you know nothing about

Driving.

Murray is scared for his life

Right now.

Reverse. God almighty.

[ Laughter ]

James, start saying "hail

Mary" under your breath.

Hail mary, mother of god,

Pray for our sins now and at the

Hour of our death.

Amen.

Though I walk through the valley

Of the shadow of death, I shall

Fear no evil.

He's praying for real.

Look at him.

Oh, god, we're going over a

Thing.

[ Laughter ]

He's cracking up at the --

Oh, my god.

Was -- was that a body?

Are you here for me?

Yes.

James. How are you?

Notice the windshield's

Dirty.

Oh, this one's pretty dirty.

Now get up on the car and

Wipe it with your shirt.

[ Grunts ]

I'm just gonna clean this.

[ Laughter ]

This car is filthy.

Wow.

Okay, let's rock and roll.

[ Laughter ]

"Do you plan on driving when

You're on your period?"

[ Laughs ]

That's a good one.

"Do you plan on driving when

You're on your period?"

Say it. Say it!

Hello.

I'm your driving instructor.

Let's rock and roll.

"Do you plan on driving when

You're on your period?"

[ Laughs ]

That's a good one.

"Do you plan on driving when

You're on your period?"

Say it. Say it!

Do you plan on driving --

Like, full...

On the highway?

[ Buzzer ]

[ Laughter ]

What's your name?

Maurice.

Maurice. Joe.

Pleased to meet you, buddy.

Why don't you hop into the

Driver's seat there?

All right.

First thing -- always lock the

Seat belts.

Joe, stop him right now.

Tell him he's a pro.

He's already passed the class.

I have never, in all my years

Of teaching, had someone learn

This fast.

We're done here.

All right, man. Good work.

[ Laughter ]

Just kidding.

[ Laughter ]

I want you to take him

Through some emergency training.

Emergency training is very

Important.

See what happens if the

Person in the passenger's seat

Gives birth.

[ Laughter ]

Let's say I'm a pregnant

Woman and I'm having the baby.

Oh! Here we go. Oh! All right.

[ Laughter ]

Go ahead. Go.

You have to get me to the

Hospital.

[ Breathing rapidly ]

Oh! It's crowning! Oh!

The head is popping out of here!

Oh, my god! It's coming out!

[ Laughter ]

Aah!

Reach over and cut the cord.

Go ahead. Snip it. Snip it.

"Oh, my god! It's twins!"

Oh [bleep]

It's twins.

Park it -- throw it in park.

I got to give birth right in the

Parking lot.

Grab the head.

Aah!

[ Ding! ]

What's your name?

Lolee.

Lolee?

Yes.

Nice to meet you, lolee.

I'm gonna have you sit in there.

Cross over to your seat over

Her.

I'm gonna go in this seat

Over here.

He's doing it!

[ Laughter ]

[ Horn blaring ]

His ass is right in her face.

[ Laughter ]

Let's turn these wipers off.

Reach down next to your seat.

I hid something there for you.

Are you serious?

Take a celebratory fling.

[ Laughter ]

Are you drinking wine?

Now pour one out for your homies

That passed away.

Hold on.

I just got to pour some out

For -- for biggie.

Greatest rapper of all time.

March th. One love.

[ Ding! ]

Go ahead. Pull on out.

"I need you to promise me

Something."

I need you to promise me

Something.

"If you ever have more than

One female passenger in the

Car..."

If you ever have more than

One female passenger in the

Car...

"...i need you to head over

To my place."

...i need you to bring that

Party over to my place.

[ Tires screech ]

What's your name?

Wesley.

Wesley, I'm brian.

Q, tell him, "safe driving is

Like safe sex."

Put on that seat belt.

Look at me.

Seat belt is the condom of the

Automobile.

Wrap it up.

[ Laughter ]

"Little tidbit for you."

Little tidbit.

Huh?

"I can parallel park using

Just my boner."

One more thing -- they're

Not gonna test you on this, but

I can parallel park just using

My boner.

Let's get this thing in drive.

[ Ding! ]

James loses, period.

Narrator: that loss drives

Murr straight to the bottom of

The pack.

Traveling with murr is like

Traveling with a parent.

He yells at you all the time

About things.

He does.

I'll never forget the time that

We were in san francisco.

He stuck toilet paper in his

Ears and then put big headphones

Over his ears.

Sal snores really loud.

And then he couldn't lay on

His side, so he went to sleep

Like this.

You looked like a dead

Air-traffic controller.

Nowadays, people text about

Anything and everything.

"Hey, could you pick up some

Milk?"

"Sorry your mom d*ed."

We're gonna be sitting in a

Quiet waiting room, and we have

To send each other embarrassing

Texts.

No matter how humiliating the

Text is, you've got to read it

Out loud to a total stranger.

Q's up.

Here we go, q.

Here we go, buddy.

[ Cellphone beeps ]

Are you sick?

No.

"Quarantine was up yesterday."

[ Coughs ]

He's covering his mouth.

[ Cellphone beeps ]

What the [bleep] is that?

That's what we just sent q.

[ Cellphone beeps ]

He's fleeing!

He's leaving the room!

[ Laughter ]

[ Ding! ]

Send.

[ Cellphone beeps ]

You've got to be kidding me.

Oh, my god.

My friend just texted me, "will

You set me up with your mother?"

Is that ridiculous?

It's like one of my childhood

Best friends.

What is wrong with him?

I know.

You don't ask someone to hook

You up with their mother.

What?!

"You're supposed to be my

Best friend."

[ Cellphone beeps ]

"I didn't get mad when you poked

My brother."

Did you have sex with

His brother?

What?

What, did you have sex with

His brother?

I guess so.

That was college.

Yeah, yeah.

College? Really?

That was just something that

Happened real quick.

He said it was last week.

What?

[ Cellphone beeps ]

Oh, god.

Yeah -- no, I'm not.

Yeah, the damage is done.

The damage has been done.

[ Buzzer ]

Whew.

All right, guys. Joe's in.

[ Cellphone beeps ]

Got a new text.

From sandra.

What?

That's my girl who just broke

Up with me 'cause I have too

Many toes.

Kind of a shallow reason.

[ Cellphone beeps ]

Oh, and now this.

That's what really upset her,

Because she has a foot fetish,

And I want to get the th man

In.

I feel like, you know, the

Strong .

[ Cellphone beeps ]

Take your shoe off.

Take your shoe off.

Do it. Take your shoe off.

He's trying not to laugh

Right now -- look.

You got to see it.

[ Laughter ]

[ Cellphone beeps ]

Got a new text.

From sandra.

Kind of a shallow reason to dump

Somebody.

Oh, and now this.

Take your shoe off.

Take your shoe off.

Do it. Take your shoe off.

He's trying not to laugh

Right now -- look.

[ Laughter ]

You got to look at th-- you

Got to see it.

[ Laughter ]

Just look right.

Seriously...okay.

[ Ding! ]

[ Cellphone beeps ]

New text.

I just got a crazy message.

It's my uncle.

[ Scoffs ]

He's been staying at my

Place.

Yeah.

And, you know, when I bring

Chicks over --

Now uncle clem is living with

Me.

I totally forgot to take it out.

[ Cellphone beeps ]

Oh my [bleep]

Oh, my god.

Oh, no.

There's no way to escape this

Now.

We got him boxed in.

[ Cellphone beeps ]

All right, let's see what he

Wants.

So, he just wrote back...

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Ding! ]

[ Cellphone beeps ]

Oh. "Sal is a big fat loser."

Oh, you should write back,

"Yes, he is."

Narrator: the guys had sal's

Number on that one, but murr is

Still in the lead on the loser

Board.

Today you threatened to

Unfriend me electronically.

I did.

Who does that?

You stepped out of line in

Reality.

You needed to be punished

Online.

That's a real punishment,

Sal.

You can't get his twice-a-day

Updates on what he's wearing and

Who just said hi to him in the

Mall.

I'll tell you, I wish I could

Unfriend you in life.

[ Laughter ]

We're at an upscale salon

Today.

We'll be playing shampoo boys.

That's right, and we're gonna

Be wearing an earpiece, and we

Have to do and say whatever the

Other guys tell us to.

If you refuse, you

"Shamplose."

I can't believe I'm gonna

Have to do this.

I really don't like touching

People.

And this is sal.

He's gonna take care of you.

Hi. I'm sal.

What's your name?

Cindy.

Cindy, nice to meet you.

There you go.

Now just lean back.

All right, sal, make up a

Song and sing it like a girl.

[ Falsetto voice ] ♪ I'm

Washing cindy's hair ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm washing cindy's

Hair ♪

♪ Her hair's a little coarser

Than normal ♪

♪ That's why I'm gonna use some

Extra conditioner ♪

♪ 'Cause that's what she

Requested ♪

♪ Chaka khan!

Sal, tell her, "your hair

Makes me wish I was a girl."

[ Normal voice ] if I had

Hair like that, I'd be the

Prettiest guy around.

Lean a little closer and go,

"I'm a woman trapped in a man's

Body."

[ Laughter ]

I'm a woman trapped in a

Man's body.

Are you?

He's in it to win it, man.

[ Ding! ]

My name's brian.

Amy.

Amy, hey.

Where do you work?

Staten island

University hospital.

Are a doctor?

Yeah.

Q, q, scrub up.

Scrub up like a doctor.

I think you'll appreciate

This, right?

Washing your hands?

[ Laughter ]

Start washing your own hair.

You just want it to sit for

Like two minutes.

Relax.

That stuff right there.

[ Laughter ]

Are you kidding me?

Oh, my god!

Ugh! I got shampoo in my eye.

[ Ding! ]

Hello! James.

Hi, james.

What's your name?

Grace.

Grace? So nice to meet you.

Murr, give her a scalp

Massage.

And I'm going to give you the

Scalp massage.

Use one finger.

[ Sloop! ]

There we go.

[ Laughs ]

Take your hand off her.

Just let it float around her.

[ Laughter ]

How's that feel? Good?

[ Laughing ] good?

Yes.

Let's get some shampoo going.

Murr, let's get a little more

Personal.

Does the carpet match the

Drapes?

Does the carpet match the

Drapes?

[ Both laugh ]

Hi. What was your name?

Devon.

Hi, devon. Joe.

Pleased to meet you.

And what did you say you did?

I do cat scans.

Cat scans?

So I got this wicked boil

On my butthole.

[ Laughs ]

What?

Yeah, do it.

I've got this wicked boil on

My butt.

I'm trying to get someone to

Take a look at it.

So, I uh...

No.

No.

Oh, is he gonna do it?

...i got this, uh, wicked

Boil on my butthole.

Oh!

[ Laughing ] oh, my god!

Oh, my!

Trying to get somebody to

Take a look at it.

Does a cat scan take care of

That?

No.

Mm.

Joe, say, "excuse me one

Second.

I desperately need to use the

Bathroom."

Okay?

Okay.

I'm gonna make quick poops.

[ Laughter ]

Now say, "back quick.

It was diarrhea."

It was diarrhea.

That's why I was so quick.

[ Laughter ]

We walked in there shampoo

boys,and three of us came out

Shampoomen.

So I'm still a shampoo boy?

You really sham-pooped the

Bed on that one.

[ Laughter ]

Narrator: murr didn't make

The cut at the salon, and that

Makes him tonight's big loser.

We're at the full cup coffee

Shop, where's murray's

Horrendous game play has brought

Him to this moment.

You only have yourself to

Blame.

What do I have to do?

It's really easy.

You just got to sit in there

With the laptop.

That's it.

This is a cakewalk, my

Friend.

What's on the laptop?

Oh, naturally sounds.

What did you think, you were

Just gonna sit there?

[ Laughter ]

No!

No.

You weren't just gonna

[Bleep] sit there!

Let's get it over with

Already.

All right, murr.

Sit there and take it like a

Man, buddy.

And...let her go.

[ Click ]

[ fart ]

It's really easy.

You just got to sit in there

With the laptop.

That's it.

This is a cakewalk, my

Friend.

What's on the laptop?

Oh, naturally sounds.

What did you think, you were

Just gonna sit there?

[ Laughter ]

All right, murr.

Take it like a man, buddy.

And let her go.

[ Click ]

[ fart ]

[ Laughter ]

And a big one.

[ high-pitched fart ]

He's noticing.

That guy in the green shirt

Looks pissed.

Let's get him more pissed.

[ Click ]

[ fart ]

[ Laughter ]

Could you turn that off?

Huh? I'm sorry?

Could you turn that off?

Sure.

I'm sorry.

All right, thanks.

Yep.

[ fart ]

Oh. Whoops.

That one slipped out.

[ Laughter ]

That was a squeaker.

[ low-pitched fart ]

you're purposely doing it.

Don't say you're sorry

If you don't mean it

[ fart ]

[ Laughter ]

There he goes. There he goes.

He's out.

[ fart ]

[ Laughter ]

Ohh.

You want to see if we can get

Rid of the whole room?

Light it up.

[ farting ]

[ Laughter ]

[ farting continues ]

Oh, my god.

He is clearing the place out!

[ farting continues ]

[ Laughter ]

You dropped something.

[ fart ]

[ Laughter ]

Yeah!

Very good. Very good.

Well done. Well done.

Nice job, gentlemen.