01x14 - Theater del Absurdo

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: coming up, the guys

Make q pig out.

Oh, my god.

Narrator: murr gets crabby at

The mall.

Crab walk, crab walk.

You can see it.

Narrator: and everyone's in

The line of fire when they piss

Off this guy.

I'll k*ll everybody

In the neighborhood.

Plus tonight's big loser has to

Admit to a crowd that he did...

What?!

We're working at

Mike's donut shop, asking

Customers if they want to donate

To our charity of the day.

The catch is we don't know

What the charities are because

We've written them for each

Other.

Yeah, we've got to read the

Name out loud and get a

Donation.

If you can't get any donations,

You lose.

Wait. We work here?

Yeah.

We work here.

[ Laughter ]

All right, there's a glazed

Doughnut.

And we're doing a collection for

A charity today.

It's about the -- there's too

Many churches.

Oh, ho, ho!

There's churches everywhere.

That's what I'm saying.

So we're gonna collect a fund

And knock some down.

[ Laughs ]

You understand where I'm

Coming from.

Yes.

Right?

Yes.

You want to give me a dollar?

Later.

Okay, I'll talk to you later

About it.

[ Laughter ]

$ . .

$ . .

Okay, so, we're doing a local

Collection for my charity that

I'm trying to get some funds

For.

So, we're looking for donations

For...

[ Laughs ]

It's handjobs across america.

[ Laughter ]

So, it's sort of like

Hands across america, where

Everybody holds hands.

But here they're holding

Something else.

[ Laughter ]

To help who?

It helps everybody.

I mean, there's all winners in

It.

So, we're just looking for some

Money to help, you know, get the

Funds started.

No donation?

Okay? That's all right.

Nothing.

Joe striking out.

[ Buzzer ]

This is everything?

Yes.

How come you're not in red?

Beside working here, I also

Work for a lot of like --

I've never seen you work here

Before.

Yeah, yeah, I'm here you when

You're not here.

[ Laughter ]

I'm actually raising money for a

Charity that I really believe

Strongly about.

Well, what's the charity?

[ Laughter ]

Give a fat kid some fruit.

[ Laughter ]

If you give a fat kid some

Fruit, he'll only get fatter.

So, would you like to give to

The charity?

No, no, he's not giving any.

Oh, this is awesome.

It's an old lady for this

Charity.

How are you today?

Huh?

Sal, go ahead, man.

Rope her in.

He has no idea what's about

To hit him.

Let's just shove him under

The bus.

Just shove.

Get that charity money.

Come on.

I wouldn't lead you astray.

I can't look at it.

Do it, buddy, do it.

We're also collecting money

For charity today.

I can't even look.

[ Laughing ] oh, my god.

Oh please, I've got

So many charities...

...i'm choking.

It's a really good cause.

Oh, no, no. [ Laughs ]

I've been collecting for it

For years now.

It's my own charity that I made

Up.

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughter continues ]

Do it. Do it.

We're collecting for charity

Today.

Any kind of charity?

No, no.

We're just doing a couple that I

Run myself.

It's a little -- it's a

Little --

[ Laughs ]

Kolonics for kids?

Kolonics for kids is --

Now, they -- have you ever given

A child a colonic?

But it's only for adults.

No, not anymore.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, okay.

It's a noninvasive procedure.

What the hell is a

Noninvasive colonic?

How does that work, bud?

We -- we -- nothing --

Nothing -- nothing goes in them.

We just -- we just squeeze them.

[ Laughter ]

Squeeze them?

That's like crazy method.

But it's real.

This is on the up-and-up, right?

Oh, it's on the up-up-and-up.

Okay.

Oh, really?

She just donated to

Kolonics for kids?

Ugh.

Thank you.

[ Ding! ]

Here's your doughnut.

I'll tell you, by the way, we're

Actually raising money in the

Store for charity.

So, if you're interested, I'll

Show you what the charity is

Real quick.

Okay.

[ Laughter ]

Explain that one, bud.

It's a fake charity.

I've worked for fake charity for

Many years now.

It's an international

Association to fight

Globalization and deforestation

In the transatlantic countries

Specifically.

This fake charity is the --

The -- the -- the -- the best

Fake charity out there.

So, we're trying to raise money

For this fake charity.

You got odds on this?

There's no way, right?

Do you have a quarter or

Anything like that for this fake

Charity?

You would?

Oh, ho!

It says "fake charity."

What more could we do?

It says fake charity.

I know what it says.

I see it!

Thank you so much.

At the fake meetings we have,

I'll tell everyone.

I have a charity that I'm

Running here today.

So, we're raising money for a

Great cause.

It's, uh...

Come on, people.

[ Laughter ]

It -- it's --

You know, like, like, like "come

On, people!"

[ Laughter ]

Like "come on!

Just come on!"

You know, like we're trying to

Get a big rally together.

You know, the great thing about

This is guys, girls, anybody can

Join.

We can all come on, people.

I for one love come on, people.

[ Laughter ]

Sure about that.

"Come on, people."

Yeah, just --

Cents to come on, people.

[ Laughter ]

[ Ding! ]

We're raising some money for

Charity here today if you're

Interested.

Cool.

Well, you can get in on this,

Too.

Ready?

Just a little charity.

It's the "don't rock the goat."

You probably see goats like

Everywhere.

Don't rock the...

Both: goat.

Don't rock the goat.

That's right. That's right.

Do you have any money you want

To donate?

Okay.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, you're such a jerk.

Just to recap, I'm a

Stranger.

We've never met.

I said to you, don't rock the

Goat, give me money, you said

Yes.

[ Laughter ]

And you handed me money, and I

Put it in that box.

Yeah.

Thank you, sir.

Does he have no shirt on?

Oh, my god.

Does that guy have no shirt on

Under the jacket?

Get him. Get him.

What we're doing today is

We're raising money for charity.

They wanted me to give you the

Spiel.

Oh, forget it!

Do you got a second for this

Spiel?

It's for charity.

Here we go.

Yeah, get that kid out of that

Well.

You know how, like, every other

Day, there's some stupid kid --

Oh, I don't know.

Did some stupid kid fall in the

Let's not hope every

Other day!

Well?

You, sir, look like you would

Give the shirt off your back.

Now, can I give

Youmyspiel?

Yeah.

Alright, give you the dollar...

All right, here you go.

Put it in there...

He's giving it to him.

If it don't go to the

Right place...

...i'll k*ll everybody

In the neighborhood.

If I don't live in this

Neighborhood, am I --

I don't care where you live...

I'll find you!

Don't take it, q.

Well, now I feel there's a

Lot of responsibility on me

Taking that dollar.

That kid is dead!

No, nobody's dead.

[ Laughter ]

I don't want to die for --

Just remember.

Yeah, I remember.

All right.

Thank you.

Dude, what happened with your

Turn?

[ Laughter ]

Mike, the hell's going on

Around here?

[ Laughter ]

[ Ding! ]

Joe loses.

[ Buzzer ]

So, we're at a chinese

Restaurant, and the challenge is

That we have to approach people

That are eating lunch and eat

Off their plate without saying a

Word at all.

You can't explain what you're

Doing.

The guy who eats the fewest

Items loses.

I'll tell you what I'm gonna

Do -- I'm going straight over to

The biggest guy in this place.

I'm gonna pass him.

I'm gonna go right to the other

Table.

This is terrible.

Get in there.

My legs are shaking.

Oh, oh, oh!

He did it really fast.

He took their last one.

Who are you?

[ Ding! ]

You like it?

Are you sharing the

Check with us?

[ Ding! ]

He's standing there sipping

The tea.

Ahh!

Finished?

No.

That's a stop.

[ Ding! ]

He got two.

I'm going in.

[ Ding! ]

Excuse me. Who are you?

Excuse me.

[ Ding! ]

[ Gasps ]

Excuse me.

We don't know who this is.

Ahh.

Oh, she called in the staff.

Is there a problem?

[ Laughter ]

[ Ding! ]

Let's go, buddy.

All right.

It's time to go.

I'm nervous as all hell, man.

Good luck.

You're trying to b*at two

Items.

He's going for the women.

Do we know you?

[ Ding! ]

[ Muffled laughter ]

Hey, before you do that, just

Tell me why you're doing it.

He's c*ptive.

Let's go, buddy.

All right.

It's time to go.

I'm nervous as all hell, man.

You're trying to b*at two

Items.

He's going for the women.

Do we know you?

[ Ding! ]

[ Muffled laughter ]

Hey, before you do that, just

Tell me why you're doing it.

He's c*ptive.

You're gonna have to tell us.

Is there a reason this guy is

Eating our food?

She's holding him hostage.

He's got a story to tell, but

He's not sharing it, so could

You bring us the dumpling he

Ate?

Oh!

Come with me.

Oh, you're done, sal.

Take it easy, buddy.

He's got a napkin.

He's putting the napkin on.

What the hell?

[ Ding! ]

Oh god.

Ok now.

[ Ding! ]

He went face-first.

[ Ding! ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Ding! ]

Hello?

That's my food!

Dude.

He just did a chomp-and-run.

[ Ding! ]

[ Laughter ]

He's going for seconds.

Oh, my god.

Unbelievable.

[ Ding! ]

Narrator: sal really ate it

On that challenge, putting him

In a tie for last.

We're at the jersey gardens

Mall.

We'll be manning an information

Booth and have to do what the

Other guys tell us.

Q gets a pass. Why?

Would you would trust him to

Give you info?

How are you, folks?

Any questions?

Murr, pretend like you caught

This guy shoplifting.

[ Store alarm blaring ]

Wait, wait.

Which -- which guy? This guy?

Just keep pointing and

Checking your ear.

Him? With the red shirt? Him?

Him, right? Right here?

Yes?

Right here, this guy, or no?

He's completely confused.

Him, right?

What?

Him, right?

Take his bags.

Yeah, it's two -- two bags,

Two bags.

[ Laughter ]

Two.

Yeah.

Yeah, no, he's got the gray

Sneakers.

This guy or no?

Ye--

Give him the bag and walk

Away.

Okay, great.

What just happened?

Have a great day, okay?

He's so confused.

Murr?

Yo.

I want you to get someone and

Ask them, "can you see this

Stain on my pants?"

Guys, do you see the -- can

You see the stain on my pants?

I spilled something on it

Before.

Do you see it?

No.

Like, it's not in the shadow

But, like, in the light.

Not at all.

You don't see it? Nothing?

Crab walk, crab walk.

Like, if you see it...

[ Women laughing ]

No, look at it in this light,

Too.

Keep going.

Like if you see it...

Like, look, do you see?

It's like -- look, see, now I

See it.

Right now you see it, right?

[ Laughing ] there's nothing.

[ Ding! ]

Hi. How are you today?

Hi.

Do you need any information?

I don't know.

I don't trust this lady.

Is a shady deal about to go

Down?

Who sent this woman?

Who told you can get -- who

Told you?

"Did santiago send you?"

Psst!

Did santiago send you?

Um?

Did santiago send you?

Are you one of santiago's

People?

[ Laughter ]

Santiago's?

Are you one of santiago's

People?

No.

"That bastard keeps sending

People over."

He keeps sending people over

Here.

"Here's a dollar."

Here's a dollar.

[ Laughter ]

I'm gonna give you a dollar.

"Okay, here's ."

All right. You want $ ?

[ Laughter ]

Here's a .

Now tell santiago to leave me

Alone.

[ Laughter ]

So, sal, bump into people as

They walk by.

Here he goes. Here he goes.

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughter continues ]

Oh!

Ah!

Here he goes.

[ Laughter ]

She reversed her course

Completely.

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughs ] it's so stupid.

Hey, sal, these people look

Lost.

Help them out, buddy.

Looking for anything in

Particular?

Not really.

"Can I tell you guys

Something?"

Can I tell you something?

"I don't like you."

I -- [ laughs ]

"I don't like you."

Can I tell you guys

Something?

I --

Say it!

Hey, sal, these people look

Lost.

Help them out, buddy.

Looking for anything in

Particular?

Not really.

"Can I tell you guys

Something?"

Can I tell you something?

"I don't like you."

I -- [ laughs ]

"I don't like you."

Can I tell you guys

Something?

I --

I don't like you.

I can't believe he said that.

[ Laughter ]

[ Ding! ]

[ Boy screams ]

What's the matter, bud?

You all right?

Careful on the stairs.

Mommy!

Tell this kid he's gonna be

Euthanized if you don't find

Your parents.

Careful -- you're gonna get

Euthanized you don't find your

Parents.

You know, you're gonna get

Euthanized.

"Better find your parents

Fast."

Easy, partner, easy.

You got seconds.

Where's your parents, bud?

[ Laughter ]

I'm gonna have to put you down

In ... ... ...

Joe, ask this woman if she's

Here for the event.

Oh, excuse me.

You here for the event?

No, what event?

The let joe gatto touch your

Boobs event.

Um..

Oh, my god.

[ Clock ticking ]

Huh.

The, uh...

Uh...

Say it!

The, uh...

Enjoy yourself event.

[ Laughter ]

[ Buzzer ]

You suck.

Narrator: joe racks up

Another loss.

We've returned

To the scene

Of the crime.

That's right.

Once again, we have to go up

To strangers and say, "don't I

Know you?"

And the other guys will be

Holding these cue cards with

Embarrassing details of how we

Supposedly "know" the person.

Yeah, the goal is to get a

Stranger to say that they know

You, and if you can't, you lose.

I know you.

Don't I know you?

Yeah, absolutely.

No.

Are you sure? It's sal.

What's up, dude? It's sal.

How's it going?

I know you, right?

I don't know, maybe.

Didn't know you.

That's the only way you're

Gonna do.

Hey, bud.

Hey, dude, I know you.

Were you down -- from schlomo's

Bar mitzvah?

Remember schlomie's bar mitz?

Apartment?

Yeah -- no, his bar -- yeah,

Schlomo's bar mitzvah.

Uh-huh.

I swallowed a baby pigeon.

Are you sure?

Sal from the bar mitzvah.

What's my name?

Your name?

Your, uh -- your name -- I

Know your name.

Your name is, uh...

Pete.

Padir?

Padir -- I said pete, pete,

Yeah.

How you been, man?

Good man, how are you?

Good to see you.

Great to see you.

This is unbelievable.

Have you talked to schlomo

Lately?

[ Laughter ]

No.

No.

Give me a call, man.

He's hugging the guy.

All right, take it easy,

Padir.

He has no idea.

That's how you do it.

I got a face everybody loves.

That's it.

You're unbelievable.

Doo, doo, doo, doo.

[ Ding! ]

Oh, what's up, bro?

I'll call you back.

Joe.

Joe?

Joe gatto. You remember me?

No? No?

We met cornhole, nebraska --

Population , .

Yeah, it was like this summer,

Earlier this summer we met.

I was the guy that got molested

By the octopus.

Seriously?

The octopus, all eight arms.

Well, currently I'm allergic to

Your bull [bleep]

So I couldn't -- I couldn't

Really do it, so...

You look good.

[ Buzzer ]

Oh, uh -- james.

James?

Yes.

I don't remember your name.

I'm so sorry.

Louise.

Louise?

Yeah?

We met at that party.

I was the guy that fell in the

Shark t*nk at the party,

Remember?

No.

But thankfully they weren't

Lethal sharks or anything.

No.

You sure?

Anyways, I mean, these days I

Just got pimp out deze nuts.

[ Laughter ]

Are you sure you don't remember

Me?

I'm sure.

You're right, 'cause you'd

Remember deze nuts.

You would, right?

Dude, dude, dude.

I know you.

I recognize the hat, man.

James.

We met like -- we met like two

Months ago in that meth lab.

You remember me?

I was the guy that maced the

Mall cop, remember?

You maced a mall cop?

Yeah, yeah.

You don't remember?

Oh!

Nice to see you.

Ohh! Come on.

Man, he maced a mall cop.

Good to see you.

[ Ding! ]

Q, here we go.

Do I -- do I know you?

I don't think so.

My name's brian.

I'm joel.

Joel.

Your cousin -- I'm dating your

Cousin.

No way.

I swear to god.

I fist-fought that turkish hand

Model.

[ Laughter ]

I brought your cousin, sandra.

I don't have a cousing

Named sandra.

Come on, now, like a third

Cousin?

[ Laughter ]

No.

I teach swahili to hot chicks

Now.

That's how I met your cousin.

No, no...

I don't have a cousin

Named sandra.

We met that time.

What time?

At that place, that place that

We met.

"That place."

We met. I guess I'm wrong.

I ... I think so.

All right.

He don't know you.

I'm giving it my all.

Your all's just clearly not

Good enough.

[ Buzzer ]

Narrator: you know joe?

He's tonight's big loser.

Since you did such a great

Job today, we're gonna take you

To the movies.

Here you go, bud.

You're gonna go in there into a

Packed movie theater, stop

Everything, stand up, and let

Everyone know you had an

Accident in your pants.

So, I go in there, stand up

In a crowded theater...

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, stop the presses.

[ Laughter ]

Go ahead.

This is what we're doing now?

Make sure you shut off your

Pager when you're in there,

Buddy.

Don't interrupt the movie.

All right, here we go.

Go, here we go.

There he goes. Here he goes.

Excuse me, ladies and

Gentlemen.

My apologies to everybody in

This area

There's gonna be a smell around

Here.

I just farted, like, bad.

My apologies to everybody in

This area, definitely [bleep]

Myself a bit.

My apologies.

[ Laughter ]

disculpe, las damas

y caballeros.

He's speaking spanish.

What?

Uh...

[ Speaking spanish ]

Which roughly translates

To "I [bleep] myself."

This has become a situation.

I'm gonna excuse myself.

Pardon me, ladies.

[ Laughter ]

Different theater, ma'am,

Different theater.

Hola, amigos.

What was that, spanish?

No, I let people know what

Was happening around them.

Smell something, say something.