02x03 - Art att*ck

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Impractical Jokers". Aired: December 15, 2011 –; present.*
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This hidden-camera series follows three lifelong friends -- Brian "Q" Quinn, James "Murr" Murray and Sal Vulcano -- who take dares to an outrageous level.
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02x03 - Art att*ck

Post by bunniefuu »

(male narrator)

Coming up, the guys make

Murr rub one out

at the comic-book shop.

(Joe)

'How do you eskimo kiss

a stranger?'

- 'There's no way.'

- Hey, man. Thank you so much.

(male narrator)

Sal slips up

at the grocery store.

(Joe)

'Hurry up, Sal.

You're not gonna make it.'

[laughter]

Hands up, bro. Come on.

(male narrator)

Q loses it in public.

And we're not gonna

take it anymore!

(male narrator)

Plus, tonight's big loser

has a major art att*ck.

[laughter]

It's a beautiful day in the

park, and romance is in the air.

And we're gonna have to

walk up to strangers

and convince them

to hold our hand.

Whoever can't get a stranger

to hold their hand loses.

So, we're gonna either get

punched or fall in love.

[laughter]

[instrumental music]

Oh, my God.

- Is he scared, or is he..

- I think he's scared.

- I think he's terrified.

- No, he's, he's somethin'.

- I'm gonna be fine.

- 'You're gonna get maced.'

[instrumental music]

Old dude and a dog?

There you go.

- Do you mind?

- No, not at all.

(Joe)

'Look at this guy.'

'I wouldn't let Murr

touch me, either.'

[laughter]

Can we hold the-the leash

together?

It seems like you've been

trained to defend

and att*ck, too.

He has a dog trained to defend

and att*ck, and that was a.. ?

- Cocker spaniel?

- ...a cocker spaniel.

[dog growling]

(Joe)

'Here he goes.'

I hope Murray literally gets

put in a full nelson.

I just broke up

with my girlfriend.

I told her I was gay.

Do me a solid.

Yeah?

- 'No way.'

- 'No way.'

- 'I can't believe this.'

- 'Dude, seriously?'

[laughs]

Dude, keep it goin', man.

She's right back there.

(Q)

'This guy's buyin'

the gay routine?'

Thanks, man.

Now kiss me as hard as you can.

[laughter]

[dinging]

Gentlemen, I, uh,

I know what you're thinkin'.

"Interesting choice

on the lavender top, Joe."

But wait,

it's part of the game play.

Watch and learn, fellas.

(Q)

'Uh, there he goes. No way.'

- This man has no fear.

- 'What was, what was that?'

- So nice, right?

- Yeah.

- Just walkin' in the park.

- 'How is he doing this?'

- How is he doing this?

- I can't take it.

Where you girls from?

Yeah? Nice.

Are you kidding me right now?

Where are we goin'?

Where are we on our way to?

This way?

Is it the feminine,

purple shirt that's

making you seem completely

I'm telling you, it's purple.

I'm non threatening.

[laughter]

(Sal)

Okay, guys, I'm actually

nervous, actually.

You should be.

There you go, red shirt.

Oh, God. Jesus.

- 'He just picked his nose.'

- Oh, gross. Nope. Not doin' it.

[laughter]

- Here he goes. He's got one.

- 'That's not gonna go well.'

Sorry, I didn't know

if you wanted to hold

You may, wanna hold.

- Oh, he's taken?

- 'Sal's - .'

When you wear a black t-shirt

you're not giving off

the lavender glow of love

like myself.

Oh, it's not the shirt, Joe.

It's not the shirt.

(Murr)

'Sal, your technique sucks.'

- Get in there and grab a hand.

- Man up!

Yeah, and that's when

you get punched.

- 'The jogging guy.'

- 'Here he goes.'

[laughter]

- Does that count?

- This ain't patty-cake.

(Q)

'That doesn't count.'

(Joe)

'You're supposed to try

to hold hands.'

[laughs]

[laughter]

That was a colossal failure.

[laughter]

Q, admittedly, this isn't

a good bit for you

'cause you have to actually

not only interact with people

but hold their hand.

Don't worry about me.

- I got a plan.

- Okay.

(Joe)

'I'll believe it

when I see it.'

Hands up, bro.

Come on. Give it to me.

Let's do this together. Come on!

Let's do this together!

We ain't taking this no more!

We're not taking this no more!

We're doin' it together!

Together!

(Murr)

'Why is this guy goin' along

with this?'

We're mad as hell, and we're

not gonna take it anymore.

Me and this guy!

Come on. Both of us are angry.

Me and this guy!

That's right! Yes!

(male narrator)

Sal was dealt a bad hand

and winds up

on the loser board.

[instrumental music]

I don't like holdin' hands now

walking down the street

with a girl.

Like, she goes to hold your hand

and she's like,

"Hey, everybody

I'm with this guy.

Don't even try it."

Whereas I'm a little bit like

"Try it. You know? Try it.

"You might be better than her.

I don't know. Try it.

- See what you got for me."

- But what about the flip side?

What about

if you wanna be like

"Hey, everybody, don't try it?"

Oh, well,

then I do something like..

[laughter]

"This is my possessive,

right there.

"Don't try it. Don't try it.

Don't try it. Don't try it."

We're at the legendary

comic book store

Jim Hanley's Universe.

We each have

a very special comic book

that's been made for

us by the other guys.

The comic book contains secret

actions that we have to do

while talking

to other shoppers.

And we can't ask permission

or explain ourselves.

If you don't do what

the comic book tells you to

you lose.

(Joe)

'Remember, Sal, you gotta do

all three actions to this guy.'

- You recommend this?

- Yes.

I mean, I know all about

the show and everything

but everyone keeps saying the

book's way better than the show.

This guy's perfect.

Page , buddy.

[instrumental music]

Did you think they did a good

job on the first season?

- Yeah.

- ...a little bit too much time.

I mean, I don't mind if..

[laughter]

Yeah, between the first one--

That's-that's the good thing

about the first one.

[laughter]

Sal, number thirty-nine.

Your imagination's always

better 'cause you're reading

but, um..

[laughter]

...the show, it just..

Oh, that's cool, man.

As much as I like

getting me too.

[laughter]

What were you saying?

As much as I like

the individual, uh..

- Thirty-two.

- Finish it off.

(Joe)

'You're almost there, Sal.'

I don't want it to be

anything that, like, uh..

- It's not just..

- He's talkin' a lot.

- Yeah, yeah, he sure is.

- We got to shut him down.

...if you really want to capture

them with art and writing.

Yeah. That's crazy.

Yeah, and the really good

ones are like five..

Wow.

[laughter]

I was.. Did you see this?

Okay.

[laughing]

"I'm gonna go, bro."

"I'm gonna go, bro."

(Joe)

'I can't believe he pulled

that one off.'

Oh, they do it by movie,

the "Spider-Mans," too?

- Yeah.

- Turn to page thirty-four.

[instrumental music]

Uh, what do you got there,

buddy?

Ah, you read

the "Star Trek" books?

It's a good pick, I think.

[laughter]

He's like, "Okay."

Number twenty-four.

[laughter]

You have a different

appreciation for it, then.

He-he had to be like in his

' s, I guess and he was like

you know, he's been reading it

for like a long time so he..

He's not gonna do it.

(all)

'Pinch that nip!'

(all)

Pinch that nip!

(all)

'Pinch that nip!'

[dramatic music]

[instrumental music]

Number twenty-four.

[laughter]

You have a different

appreciation for it, then.

He had to be like in his ' s

I guess and he was like

you know he's been reading it

for like a long time.

He's not gonna do it.

(all)

'Pinch that nip!'

Pinch that nip!

(all)

'Pinch that nip!'

I think that, the "X-Men"

is really where it started.

[laughter]

"X-Men" is where

it got started for me.

[laughter]

Sorry, seeing the "X-Men" movies

is really what turned it on.

It's like they're both

right now like

"We know what just happened.

Let's not talk about it."

Let's just keep goin'.

Page thirty-five.

[laughing]

Good luck, sucker!

Oh, this is the "X-Men.."

No. Oh, it was on the table.

It was on the table.

[laughs]

He's avoiding the crotch.

[instrumental music]

(Q)

'It's like high school

all over again, buddy.'

Can't get anybody to bump

crotches with you.

[buzzing]

Find anything you like?

Alright, Q, page , bud.

[instrumental music]

Oh, yeah, 'cause...they're,

like, fighting.

[laughter]

Right.

You eventually put the thing.

Twenty-six.

[instrumental music]

[laughs]

Good luck.

- Dig your tattoos, man.

- Thanks.

Looking good.

Yeah, I got, I got the..

- Superman.

- Yeah, yeah. Bam.

What do you think of that?

Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, man.

[laughter]

Q, page , bud.

[laughter]

(Joe)

'Ah, there you go.

You gotta spank him.'

[laughter]

- You guys are killin' me.

- This is hard to do.

(Sal)

'There's no way he's gonna

touch that guy's ass.'

This line, huh?

[whistles]

Oh, boy.

You're up, bro.

[laughter]

- 'Wow.'

- 'Well done.'

I, uh, I've got a sister.

And I wanna try to get her

something that I think

like, a girl might like.

- Alright, Murr, page thirteen.

- What do you think?

Are you into a lot of

"Spider-Man?"

Um..

...I don't know, that might be

okay, but, I mean, a little.

The characters are..

Well then..

[laughter]

I don't know

if any of these are..

(Q)

'Murr, page , buddy.'

You know? So..

[laughter]

If you were to name, like, the

top three comics that you like

I would give this to my sister.

I would totally give it to her.

Like, she, she would totally

be okay with it.

She would totally

be okay with it.

She would totally

be okay with it.

- Yeah.

- What would you do?

Page , Murr.

[laughs]

[dramatic music]

[laughter]

(Joe)

'There's no way. How do you

eskimo kiss a stranger?'

[music continues]

Hey, man, you've been great.

Thank you so much.

- Thank you.

- 'Oh!'

- Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God!

Murray took it to another level

just now.

[instrumental music]

The guy just hid from him.

'The guy's hiding from you,

Murray.'

Murr, he just saw you

and stop, drop, and rolled.

[laughter]

(Joe)

'Murray, he's..'

[laughter]

- 'Murray is victorious.'

- 'Oh!'

(male narrator)

Joe bumps right

into Sal on the loser board.

If Murray was a comic-book hero,

what would his name be?

Ferret boy.

- I don't look like a ferret!

- He could creep undetected.

(Q)

Right.

Well, that's real life,

as well.

[laughter]

[instrumental music]

We're at compare

foods supermarkets

and the race is on!

We've gotta get from one end

of the store to the other.

- That's so easy!

- It's not easy, Q.

And I'll tell you why, you're

not allowed to move an inch

unless you're touchin' somebody.

(Sal)

And if you can't cross

the finish line

in seconds, you lose.

(Sal)

'You gotta be quick, Joe.'

Remember, you can't move

unless you're touching somebody.

'You gotta pivot.

It's basketball rules.'

One foot has to stay planted.

'Buddy, you got a long way

to go.'

(Sal)

'You got seconds, bud.

Clock's tickin'.'

Pivot. Pivot.

[laughter]

[instrumental music]

High five.

[laughter]

Every little bit counts.

How you doin'? Okay? Good.

You finding everything alright?

You doing alright, buddy?

Yeah. Everything cool?

You finding everything alright?

Good.

[dramatic music]

[laughs]

(Murr)

'You got ten seconds left,

Joey.'

[chuckles]

- The closer he..

- Don't move!

I'm so happy you asked.

The, the flank steak is the best

one to do here.

Thank you for shopping compare.

I'll tell you right now

I'm gonna win.

I got a foolproof idea.

I can't wait

till this falls flat.

Look at his face. Look, you see

his stupid thoughts on his fa..

Look at him.

"No, it's gonna work

and I'm gonna win

and I'm not gonna get punished."

Oh, my God. Are you seeing

what's going on over here

by the way? Come here. Take

a look come here. Come here.

- Oh, that's it, man.

- 'He's gonna win.'

Where's your big idea?

Right over, right over here.

The craziest thing happening

right over there. Come here.

Take a look. Take a look.

What's that?

- You're busy?

- Yeah.

Okay.

(Sal)

'The guy looked at him

like he was a tool box.'

Well, that didn't work.

[instrumental music]

What, is he settin'

a booby trap?

(Sal)

Oops!

Yeah, I can't bend.

I hurt my back, so..

You.. Yeah, I dropped..

- Oh!

- She's kickin' it towards him.

Thank you so much.

Get it around..

- Always a good move.

- So sweet.

- Oh, oh, oh!

- Thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

How are you?

(Murr)

'Oh, oh, oh!'

(Joe)

'Hurry up, Sal.

You're not gonna make it.'

[groans]

[laughter]

I'm good.

I'm great. I'm great.

[instrumental music]

Hey, little girl.

- There's candy down that aisle.

- Oh, no. Oh, my god.

- Oh, my God.

- Come on.

Come check it out.

[dramatic music]

[instrumental music]

Hey, little girl.

There's candy down that aisle.

Come on.

- Come check it out.

- Oh, no. Oh, my god.

- Oh, my god.

- God, this is so weird.

- This is so weird.

- Come on.

- Ah!

- Go! You got it!

Ah! This is so weird!

This is so weird!

Oh, my God!

Yay!

- Where are your parents?!

- Oh, my God.

Yay!

[laughter]

(male narrator)

Murr never made it down aisle

makin' it a three-way tie

for last.

[instrumental music]

We're in the park tryin' to get

people to volunteer their time.

But we have no idea what we're

asking them to sign up for.

That's because

we've created these

fake organizations

for each other.

If you can't get the person

to volunteer, you lose.

[instrumental music]

Girls, two seconds

of your time?

Excellent. I love it. Thank you.

Bam. Shut down

right out of the gate.

[laughter]

Sir? Excuse me.

Uh, I'm collecting signatures

for a volunteer foundation.

It's "Pretend to listen

to an old man's [bleep]."

We just need volunteers

to sit and listen.

Old dude wanted no part of that.

Hi. How you guys doin' today?

We're just looking for

volunteers for, um..

"Turtle Census ."

You know, we got like

a lot of turtles around here

turtles in the lakes and ponds,

and we just need some people to

like, just counters to,

like, wade into the lake.

So, how many people do you

actually get to do this?

Well, so.. You guys

would be the first.

[laughter]

Listen, if you guys like turts..

- Do you guys love the turts?

- Uh-huh.

Give me-give me an hour

of your time.

Count some turts.

[dramatic music]

- Okay.

- Just put your name and e-mail.

Come on, man.

He called them "turts."

- 'Q, what are you doing?'

- Thank you so much.

♪ Turtle census ♪

Two seconds, I gotta talk

to you real quick.

I'm with the volunteer squad

here in New York.

So, uh, we have a thing

comin' up called the, uh

the "End sl*very K."

[laughter]

So, what we're lookin'

is to get people to help

with the, with the race

to end sl*very

and we're lookin' for people,

really, to bake croissants

for a bake sale that we do.

Do you bake?

[laughing]

This race is actually

happening in long island

to end sl*very

in the long island area.

Yeah, it's amazing that there's

still sl*very there.

A lot of people don't.

[laughter]

You can take my name

and e-mail.

I can take your name

and e-mail? That's awesome.

They're signing up.

Are they nuts?

- I really appreciate it, guys.

- Nice to you.

- Have a great day.

- Bye.

Ticktock.

Hey, can I tell you

about a volunteer

organization

I started by myself?

We're looking for volunteers

for the organization

and right now

we're trying to get Phil laid.

It's the "Get Phil Laid Fund."

[laughter]

- He needs our help.

- I need help, too.

(Joe)

'This guy don't look like

he's buyin' it.'

- What's your name?

- Willie G.

Willie G.? I could start

a foundation in your name.

[laughter]

We could do the

"Get willie G. Laid fund."

(Sal)

Would you sign up to the help

Willie G. get laid fund?

- Yeah.

- 'Oh!'

Is he signing up?

Well, there's a dude

that wants to get some.

- 'Got it.'

- That's a good plan.

Sir, do you volunteer

for anything in the city?

You do? What kind of things

do you volunteer for?

(Joe)

'Look how fast he's pedalin'

to get away from Murray.'

Uh, are you interested in

volunteering for anything?

No?

Excuse me. Hi.

Yeah, I don't know if you do

any volunteering

but I'm just tryin' to get

people to volunteer.

It's a great cause.

It's the uh..

Uh, it's "The Help A Kid Shut Up

For Once Bake Sale"

- Which is..

- It doesn't sound good.

Well, you know how there's just

some kids that just

yap and yap and yap and yap?

Well, actually, I work

with kids, so I don't--

You work with kids? So you know

that they don't shut the "F" up.

Yeah, but grown-ups don't

ever shut the [bleep] up,

either.

[laughter]

So, do you wanna sign up

for it or..

- No. No.

- 'Ohh, no dice.'

(male narrator)

Murr is the only non-profit

in that one

and that makes him

tonight's big loser.

Alright, we're here

to punish Murr!

They say that

life imitates art.

Well, today Murr is gonna be

imitating someone

that knows something about art.

Inside this gallery is a

roomful of art enthusiasts.

Let's see how you do explainin'

the sculptures we made for you.

- Sculptures?

- Sculptures.

Beautiful sculptures.

I know nothing about sculpting.

[dramatic music]

[indistinct chatter]

(male # )

'Ladies and gentlemen,

James Murray.'

[audience applause]

Hi, everybody.

My name is James Murray.

I am the sculptor today

'and I'm very proud to have

my exhibit shown.'

Let's, uh, take a look

at the first piece.

[instrumental music]

[laughter]

(male # )

'What the [bleep].'

- 'Look at him. Look at him.'

- So..

'...what does this mean?

And the answer is quite simple.'

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Let's, uh, take a look

at the first piece.

[laughter]

(male # )

'What the [bleep].'

- 'Look at him. Look at him.'

- So...

'...what does this mean?

And the answer is quite simple.'

[instrumental music]

[laughter]

Love..

Can we put a clock on love?

'Can you tell the heart'

not to love for another days

'five hours, ten minutes,

and one second?'

If you don't want to be

arrested.. Very true.

Let's take a look

at the next piece of art.

(Sal)

'I'm waitin'.'

[laughter]

This is a real blanket

he still sleeps

'with that I stole

from the apartment.'

That is my real blankie.

[laughter]

Inside all of us

is a burning flame.

'So, that's what

it comes down to, is that'

'when life, uh,

gives you lemons'

don't blow out the flame.

'And that's what

it really comes down to.'

It's hot. I'm sweating.

[laughter]

Let's take a look

at the next-next piece.

We've been waiting

for this moment.

I think since I was born.

Do you realize

what's gonna happen

when this curtain gets

revealed right now?

[laughs]

[laughter]

The, uh, uh, uh, um..

[laughter]

- 'He's got nothin'.'

- Nothin'.

So, this is a mu..

This is a muscular uh,

glistening black man.

How did I sculpt him?

The glaze..

[laughter]

...on the back over here..

Let me adjust the sculpture

a little bit.

Okay, I'll just leave him.

[laughter]

Murray couldn't move that guy

for $ million.

As you can see, he's got

quite defined pectoral muscles.

[laughter]

(Murr)

'So, what does all this mean?'

[laughter]

Oh, my god.

Well, that's my last one,

anyway.

[laughter]

I apologize if I've come across

'not as eloquent

as I had hoped.'

Anyways..
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