02x06 - Birds and the Bees

[bunniefuu]

(male narrator)

Coming up, why has Murr been

forced into hiding?

What you've just done

is piqued the curiosity

'of the local authorities.'

The guys give Joe a problem

he can't shake.

I wish there was a way

to solve this problem.

What has Sal

running for his life?

What the hell is that?

And tonight's big

loser humiliates himself

in front of the toughest crowd

imaginable.

[men laughing]

We're in the park, trying

to get people's attention

by saying "Psst!"

After we say "Psst!"

the guys are gonna feed us

an embarrassing secret that

we have to tell the stranger.

Once we share that secret,

we got to get them

to tell us one of their own.

If you can't get someone to

tell you a secret, you lose.

Psst!

- How do you do that?

- It's a secret!

[laughing]

(Murr)

'Here we go. Here we go.'

It's like "Crouching Tiger,

Hidden Fat Guy."

[laughing]

Psst!

I got to tell you something.

Just a little secret.

No. No.

Here's a secret, you're weird.

That's no secret.

[men laughing]

Psst!

I got to tell you something.

- When I was a kid..

- When I was a kid..

- '...my dad used to b*at me..'

- '...my dad used to b*at me..'

- '...at tick-tack-toe..'

- ...at tick-tack-toe..

- ...with a belt.

- ...with his belt.

[men laughing]

Psst!

When I squeeze it,

everything falls into place.

When I squeeze it,

everything falls into place.

- Good.

- Do you, do you..

Do you want to share a secret

with me?

- No, thank you.

- Okay.

[laughing]

Psst! Psst! I..

I cheated on my wife at

the Puerto Rican Day parade.

[laughing]

I cheated on my wife at

the Puerto Rican Day parade.

[laughing]

I don't know.

Do you-do you--

Don't-don't tell her?

- Look at this.

- It's not to get advice.

- But he's to get a secret.

- You got to get a secret, pal.

You guys want

to share a secret with me

just to make me feel better?

[dramatic music]

Ohh! That is..

That was a real secret.

Psst!

Psst! Psst!

Psst!

I got to tell you a secret.

- Waffles..

- Waffles..

...I like them [bleep]

- Waffles?

- I like them [bleep]

Yeah? Have you ever had

chicken and waffles?

- I've had chicken and waffles!

- Isn't that the best?

That's the secret on top of the

secret, chicken and waffles!

Wait, could you tell me

a secret?

- I'm black.

- You're black?

I am.

[laughing]

Have a good day.

His secret is he's black.

That's not really a secret.

That's out there.

(Joe)

'Here you go. Here you go.

Here you go.'

- Psst! I, uh..

- 'I can't stop imagining..'

I-I can't stop imagining..

...what Kate Upton would

look like with testicles.

[chuckles]

...wh-what Kate,

what Kate Upton would look

like with text-icles.

Thank you. Is it

"Text-icle" when you send

a message to your balls?

Is that what that is?

What Kate Upton would

look like with testicles

it's just in my head

all the time.

Okay, that's my secret.

Wh-what secret do you got?

- You got a secret?

- I got a package.

One secret. One secret?

No? No?

Oh! No secret!

I didn't want to say

the word "testicle"

so it came out "Tes-ti-cle."

No, it came out "Text-icle."

Psst!

I want to be pregnant..

I want to be pregnant..

...not just look pregnant.

I.. Oh, yeah.

[laughing]

...not just look pregnant.

[men laughing]

That's my secret.

Do you have a secret

you want to share?

You ever shoplift?

What about that time

you shoplifted?

He was literally doing this

when he asked him.

You ever shoplift?

Give me something juicy.

What's Joe's approach like?

Psst! Psst!

Psst!

Psst! Psst!

[men chuckle]

I don't feel like

I own something..

I don't feel like I own

something..

...until I pee on it.

[laughing]

...until I pee on it.

That's my secret.

You know, I'm just out here,

sharing secrets by the big tree.

I was wondering if you had

anything you wanted to share.

- No, I'm good.

- You're good?

You don't want to share

anything?

- No! No!

- That's my secret.

Don't tell anybody!

Keep it locked up!

Psst! Psst!

I got a panda in my trunk.

- I got a panda in my trunk.

- Uh-huh.

I'm looking to unload a panda.

You want to buy a panda

on the cheap?

Well, that's my secret out here.

It's a hot panda.

[laughing]

You're trying

to unload the panda?

Uh, you got any secrets

you want to tell me?

- I don't have any.

- No secrets?

Nothing, I know,

as big as the panda.

But you want to buy a panda

on the cheap?

I'll throw in some sh**t.

- Some bamboo sh**t?

- Now I'm secretless.

And I have a panda on my hands.

[buzzer]

- I've got this one figured out.

- How so?

What's gonna make this work

is if you pique someone's

curiosity.

That's what we're doing

by saying "Psst!"

No, no, no, no, no.

I got an idea.

Watch.

Watch.

(Sal)

'Look at this idiot.'

(Joe)

'So this is all about

location, huh?'

That's it.

You pique someone's curiosity.

What you've just done is

piqued the curiosity

'of the local authorities.'

'That's the only curiosity

that's been piqued right now.'

Come here.

Psst! I've got a secret.

You want to hear it?

Come here.

I got to get it off my chest.

William Shatner once b*at

my ass down.

William Shatner once b*at

my ass down.

So did Spock.

So did Spock.

I was running my mouth off.

Shatner's there

beats me down.

Spock was about a block behind.

I had it coming.

Anyways, that's my secret.

Do you have something you want

to share with me?

Something personal that you

haven't told anyone before?

[intense music]

I love getting colonics.

You love getting colonics?

- How's that?

- 'That's a great secret!'

You love getting colonics.

I mean, who doesn't?

- '"I love getting colonics."'

- You have a good day, ma'am.

(Q)

'For a guy that crept

out of the bushes.'

I don't even know what to do

anymore with this show.

I don't even know what to do

with it anymore.

[laughing]

[Q laughing]

'Oh, my God! I can't believe

she shared that!'

[men laughing]

She loves getting colonics.

(male narrator)

Q and Joe are, psst,

they have to take a loss.

I'm actually a master

at covering my tracks.

You haven't noticed that

you're the only one that needs

that skill out of

the four of us?

Why do you need that skill set?

I've got a lot of tracks.

You're like

the Long Island Railroad.

[laughing]

We are back!

(all)

At the castle of white!

And we're working

the drive-through!

Why do they keep inviting us

back?

As customers pull up to place

their order, we have to do

and say what the other guys

tell us.

You have to get a tip

no matter what!

If you cannot get a tip..

(all)

You lose!

I don't, I don't know

how to work this.

- 'Q.'

- Yeah.

You take her order, but

you're fighting a wicked case

of, like, the flu.

Come on, nobody wants to hear

that while they're eating.

You got something going.

[coughs]

'Welcome to White Castle.'

[Q gags]

[laughing]

Can I take your ord...

[coughing]

Yeah. Can I get one jalape..

[Q coughing]

And a Coke with no ice.

Oh, God. $ . .

I got the meat sweats!

I got the meat sweats.

You don't want the meat sweats.

[men laughing]

(Sal)

'Come on.

You're sicker than that, bud.'

You should have been off

for a week already.

Yeah, man.

I can't believe he came in.

[Q coughing loudly]

Oh, God.

(Murr)

'Grab her hand! Grab her hand!'

[groans]

[men laughing]

[Q coughs]

This is k*lling me.

[laughing]

Sorry. I..

[coughs]

I have flumonious shingles.

[men laughing]

We started a new policy

where we're taking tips.

[men laughing]

If you-if you feel except..

[coughs loudly]

(Joe)

'Oh, no! No good!'

Welcome to White Castle.

Can I help you?

Can I get the original slider?

$ . . You can pull around.

Hey, Murr, listen, uh,

look down right next

to the register over there.

There's a little, uh, slider

slingshot we made for you.

What am I supposed to do

with this thing?

(Q)

'You're gonna make fast food

go a little faster, so..'

Do me a favor,

put a slider in that

and just wing it past her car.

Fire it over her car.

(Q)

'But don't hit it.

sh**t it over the car.'

- 'There you go.'

- 'There it is.'

[intense music]

[instrumental music]

Hey, Murr, there's a little, uh

slider slingshot

we made for you.

What am I supposed to with

this thing?

(Q)

'Put a slider in that

and just wing it past her car.'

- Fire it over her car.

- Yeah, but don't hit it.

(Q)

'sh**t it over the car.'

- 'There you go.'

- 'There it is.'

[intense music]

[men laughing]

I'm gonna wipe that off

for you.

[men laughing]

Murr, you act like you've

never used a cheeseburger

slingshot before.

(Q)

'That was some amateur-hour

nonsense right there.'

He couldn't even get it over.

The woman's car is here,

he's like..

You know, we do accept tips

if you..

Tips? You freaking threw a

hamburger on my [bleep] window.

[men laughing]

- What can I get you?

- A number eight.

While taking this order, have

a huge argument with a coworker.

(Q)

'Come on, Joe.

Show these people who's boss!'

(Joe)

'Cheese or no cheese?

I'm asking him!'

- Cheese, please.

- So you got the one combo.

Because I said so, Raul!

[men laughing]

(Q)

'Come on, Joe.

Raul's getting out of line.'

If you would've been on time

I wouldn't have to cover

your shift!

[men laughing]

'Was that a Diet Coke? Raul!'

Yes. Two Diet Cokes.

So it's two Diet Cokes, no, I..

Put that mop down, my man!

[laughing]

I'm sorry about that.

You had the ring,

and then the sack full..

Raul, are you gonna

start it up now?

[men laughing]

Alright. So that will be two

Diet Cokes. We got two..

Raul, drop the mop, and

it's gonna get real in here!

And two Xanax for you.

[laughing]

We are accepting gratuities

today

if you guys are interested.

'It's been a rough day here.'

- No, no, no, no, no!

- Oh, come on!

- No, no, no!

- That's like multiple dollars!

Thank you so much.

[bleep] see that, Raul?

(Murr)

'Oh! You son of a..'

Welcome to White Castle.

What can I get you, mustache?

[men laughing]

- Sorry, mustache.

- Don't call me mustache.

Alright, mustache, don't call me

clown is all I'm saying.

- Do it! Do it!

- Go ahead.

Welcome to White Castle.

What can I get you, mustache?

Uh, can I get two originals,

two regulars?

Keep calling him mustache,

buddy.

- Anything to drink, mustache?

- No.

- Any fries or side, mustache?

- No. No.

Alright. Any mustache, mustache?

[laughs]

[laughing]

- No, that's it, man.

- Alright. $ . .

'Take it around, mustache.'

[men laughing]

Sal, when he comes out,

pet his mustache!

[laughing]

Oh, guys, I'm nervous here.

(Joe)

'You touch his mustache!'

[intense music]

Okay, this here is, uh..

That's the order.

And then I was gonna just try

and, uh..

Huh?

I was just gonna try and get

a little touch, the mustache.

- The mustache?

- Yeah.

- Really?

- Just a, just a touch.

Just-just one touch.

That's all I wanted.

It'll make my day.

- He's on the fence!

- No way.

[intense music]

(Q)

Ah!

It would make my day.

[all cheering]

Thank you, sir.

We are accepting tips.

Thank you so much.

[all groan]

(Joe)

'Come on, man!'

Thank you, bud.

Have a great day.

So, uh, Sal, I heard it was

"bring your cat to work" day.

Yeah, okay.

So to mess with Sal today,

I brought a cat to work.

- You know that Sal hates cats.

- Hates them with a passion.

He's fearful of them.

[intense music]

What the [bleep] is that?

[men laughing]

What the hell is that?

I'm not sure how to react!

[laughing]

(Q)

'Get him, Benjamin!'

Get him, Benjamin!

[men laughing]

(male narrator)

Q and Murr are in a pickle.

They both take a loss.

Have you ever been att*cked

by a cat?

- Yeah.

- When?

- In high school.

- In high school?

So years ago.

You tell me what other

creature that you don't know

from a hole in the wall

will walk up to you

and start grinding

against your body.

- A dog.

- Murray.

[laughing]

Guys, I still want to dance!

We're back in the park trying to

get strangers to dance with us.

Last time we tried this,

nobody would join in

so we're gonna try it again!

We have to get people to

dance with us without actually

asking them to dance with us.

If you can't get them to join

you, you lose!

You better stop.

You're gonna hurt yourself.

[Murr laughing]

I got this figured out,

b*tches.

(Murr)

'Oh, yeah?'

Yeah, I'm down by the

fountain where we were

supposed to rehearse.

- Oh.

- Oh!

Yeah.

Well, the big show is tonight.

- Why aren't you coming?

- 'Oh.'

The big show with moves

like that.

I've almost got it. I just can't

remember the last step.

(Sal)

'This is an interesting

approach.'

'He's setting the tone

that he's dancing already.'

- 'He's making it normal.'

- What am I gonna do now?

How am I gonna practice?

Alright, well, don't worry.

I'll make do.

[men laughing]

[instrumental music]

[men laughing]

(Murr)

'He's trying to remember

the moves.'

He's high-stepping

around the block.

He just looks like a loon.

(Joe)

I don't know

if you overheard me.

I almost have the whole step

down. We have a show tonight.

And this is the last part

I'm missing.

I know it's you spin out,

but it's kind of hard to do it

without a partner.

[laughing]

I wish there was a way to solve

this problem.

[men laughing]

- If anybody was..

- You know what..

He's not asking directly,

though.

He hasn't violated a rule yet.

It's just, it's real quick.

It's just a..

It's a little, and then there's

a spin thing and then a dip.

I want to do a little dipski

on the fashank.

[laughing]

It's a little bit of a sashay.

We do a little of this

at the end.

You guys don't dance?

You guys don't feel the rhythm?

- No.

- That's a no.

Bad news, I'm not gonna make

it to Broadway.

Yeah. No kidding.

[men laughing]

I have so much confidence

in my moves.

I feel like you can't watch it

and not join in.

So it's like osmosis?

I'm gonna lay it out for them.

(Joe)

'Oh, alright.'

(Murr)

'Here he goes.'

[sighs]

Guys. Alright.

(Q)

'Here he goes.'

[men laughing]

Oh, they're clapping.

A clap isn't a dance.

- Clapping is not dancing.

- If it inspires you, do it.

Sal's gonna collapse

from exhaustion.

[all gasp]

[instrumental music]

[men laughing]

Sal's gonna collapse

from exhaustion.

You're feeling it.

You're feeling it.

He might get them!

He might get them!

'They might be inspired!'

[men groan]

- Come on!

- No! No!

- Oh, man!

- Thank you so much.

Come on, dude!

That's how...you do it.

Alright. Here he goes.

He's sizing up. He's sizing up.

Guys, do you know where the

Empire State Building is?

[men laughing]

I thought the Empire State

Building was that way

but I think it's this way.

Do you know?

Is that even a dance or a

gallop? I feel he's galloping.

I've been trying

to find it all day

and I can't seem to get it.

- Now it's a dance.

- Now it's a dance.

I'm not really sure which way

is north and which is south.

What do you think?

No, no. That's up and down.

I'm looking for the

Empire State Building.

Any ideas?

[laughing]

Any ideas? Is it this way?

Or is it this way?

(Q)

'I will say this for him,

every time I think he can't get'

any weirder, he figures out

a way to get weirder.

Can any of you help me?

Anyone?

Help me find it together.

You're gonna help?

[men laughing]

- 'He's doing it!'

- 'Oh! Come on!'

- That's it! Yeah!

- 'Oh, my..'

Okay.

So here goes the king of dance.

If you recall what happened

last time..

You know what,

he cheated last time.

Guys, remember,

I only cheated last time

'cause I didn't think

I'd get caught.

- That's true.

- Now you guys are onto it.

That's a whole different

ballgame.

You know the hokey-pokey?

- You can't do that!

- You can't ask him!

- You can't talk about dancing!

- Can I see you do it?

(Murr)

'You can't say, "Let me see!"'

Get up. Do the hokey-pokey.

Let me show you.

- Come on.

- 'No.'

That's it! Disqualified!

[men laughing]

(male narrator)

Q doesn't have any moves,

making him tonight's big loser.

Alright, Q is the big loser

and now it's time

for his punishment.

You are normally not shy when

it comes to talking about sex

until now.

That's because behind that

door is a packed classroom

'full of sixth graders'

'waiting for you to give them

the "Birds and the bees" talk.'

We've created a sex-education

slide show for you to help

'to get your points across.'

So you got to go in there

and tell them what to put where

and everybody will be alright.

I don't know

if this is a good idea.

[laughing]

So, what Q doesn't know is

that we've secretly taken out

'all the sixth graders and

replaced them with his parents.'

(Sal)

'Yes. Yes, we did.'

Mama and Papa Q are gonna

find out what it's like to make

'a kid again from their kid.'

My God, this is amazing.

This is like the greatest day

of my life.

[intense music]

[instrumental music]

[men laughing]

Oh. Okay.

[men laughing]

[chuckles nervously]

Oh, wow.

That's-that's what we're doing?

[men laughing]

[clears throat]

- Mom and dad.

- Hi, Brian.

Uh, apparently, today

I will be teaching you about

the birds and the bees.

I'll look at dad

the entire time.

Nope.

I'm just looking at you, pop.

Gonna pretend mom

is not even here.

Okay.

[clears throat]

Well..

That's the male.

[men laughing]

Uh, it's..

That's what a male looks like.

That's where I'm gonna

punch my friends right there.

[laughing]

[clears throat]

Okay. Just moving along.

[chuckles]

Okay.

That's a picture

of his parents' bedroom.

Right.

This is where I was conceived.

I thought I was conceived

in Brooklyn.

Same bedroom set, bud.

[laughing]

Same bedroom set.

Okay, so that's,

that right there

is where the magic created me.

- More or less. Yeah.

- God, I'm sweating.

Okay. Moving along.

"The story of how Brian Quinn

lost his virginity."

Oh, this should be interesting.

[clears throat]

Remember Locust Lake? Remember

we went there on vacation?

- Don't tell me.

- And there was that nice girl..

Jen, that kind of lived across..

Jen lived across

and up the road.

Took me into the house and, uh,

and...you know..

- You didn't.

- Anyway, so that happened.

'Let's move this along.'

(Sal)

'Come on, Q. Open it.'

Ma, I need you to close

your eyes for this.

Could you close your eyes

for this?

[chuckles]

Yeah.

What's in the box?

So, um..

[laughing]

There's a donut, okay?

And there's a hot dog.

Alright. So..

[men laughing]

[man applauding]

[laughing continues]

You getting how that works?

Uh, sometimes two women will be

attracted to each other.

[men laughing]

Thank you guys very much.

Um, I hope you learned

something new.

And just keep bail money around,

because I'm gonna go in the next

room and k*ll my friends, okay?

- Thank you. I'll be right back.

- There you go, Bri.

Yeah. Excuse me.