02x12 - The Love Expert

[bunniefuu]

(male narrator)

Coming up..

We need to settle this, please.

(male narrator)

...why are things

getting ugly between Murr and Q?

What has Sal feeling romantic?

I love you.

[laughing]

This guy is ripped.

(male narrator)

How will Joe

talk his way out of this one?

What do you do to work out

your ponytail, cupcake?

Right, what do you, uh..

(male narrator)

And tonight's big loser

will be forced to reveal

excruciating secrets in our

most revealing punishment yet.

[laughing]

[theme music]

We're back in the mall

for a rematch

trying to figure out

who's the best debater.

We're going head-to-head,

tournament-style

asking strangers to settle

the most ridiculous of debates.

But the topic of our debate

will be given

to us by the other guys.

We've got to get someone

to agree with our stance

no matter how bizarre it may be.

If you can't get the stranger

to say you're right, you lose.

- I will be defending my--

- You're going down!

You're the guy to b*at,

my friend.

I'm so gonna lose.

[laughing]

(Joe)

Who do you think is in

a worse position, Q or Murr?

Ooh, this is real tough one.

(Joe)

No one wants to agree

with Murray

just 'cause of his face

and no one

can understand what Q's saying.

I don't know, man.

I disagree with you.

What if we,

what if we let her settle it?

Excuse me, ma'am, do you mind

settling an argument?

- Two seconds.

- You're the judge.

It's in your hands

who wins this.

Murr this one's for you,

I say I'm uglier than he is...

I..

[laughing]

I say I'm uglier than he is.

Hey, Q.

Say, "I'm uglier than he is."

And I, and I say I'm uglier

than he is.

[laughing]

Hear us out.

Have you seen my hair?

'Cause I haven't.

I kind of look

like Rosie O'Donnell

which, for a woman,

is attractive

but, for a man,

that's probably not what a woman

wants to see coming at her

in the middle of the night.

Have you ever seen a picture

of a ferret?

A beady-eyed, weird-looking

ferret with a small head?

That is what I look like.

I look like my neck threw up

all over the place and grew

like, hippie hair.

Underneath my shirt

is the more chest hair

than you've ever seen

in your entire life.

- It is not handsome.

- You have beautiful eyes.

Use those beautiful eyes

to look--

Use your heart

and look at me.

- We need to settle this.

- We need to settle it.

- Please.

- Once and for all.

[laughing]

[instrumental music]

It's so funny

that the real answer

is gonna crush one of you.

[laughing]

- I'm uglier? I'm uglier?

- He's uglier?

Kind of a victory, I guess.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

- Well, I won that one.

- No, no, no, I won that one.

[laughing]

(Murr)

Who do you think is gonna win

between Joe and Sal?

Well, here's the thing.

Sal is exhausting to argue with.

- 'He is. He's the worst.'

- He just doesn't let go.

So, if he just brings

a tenth of that

annoying fire to this argument,

h-he's got it.

- I think you're wrong. Ask him.

- I don't think so.

Let him settle it. Could you

settle a bet for us, bud?

Now, Joe, what's a worse

medical condition..

Which is a worse

medical condition?

...my body lice..

My body lice?

Now, Sal, or my foot fungus?

Or my foot fungus?

Okay? I'm up all night

scratching and itching.

I got body lice all up in me,

every crevice, every orifice.

And that's what I'm dealing with

every day of the week.

I'm on my feet all day long.

There's never a time

where this isn't irritating me.

Plus, it's a fungus. Gross!

I can't be with a woman because

I can't take my socks off.

I mean, I can't be with a woman.

I mean, th-their whole bed

is ruined.

- Oh!

- Appreciate your time.

- Sal, you lost.

- Sal, down in flames.

And the gladiators head

to the final challenge.

(Murr)

How did you and I lose?

We're the ones

that argue the most.

- May the best winner win.

- Finally, a challenge.

I-I see your point,

but I don't think you're right.

You don't think..

We could argue this all day.

Why don't we ask this gentleman?

Excuse me, bud.

Sir, well,

could you help us settle

uh, an argument real quick?

Real Quick.

So, Joe, which has contributed

more to society?

Which has contributed

more to society?

I think it's reverse osmosis.

I think it's reverse osmosis.

And, Q,

I think it's cold fusion.

I think it's cold fusion.

Okay, so, now, reverse osmosis

is really taking a toll

on the environment here

with all the water

that's out there,

you got all the water

and the reversing it,

and you're making water.

Yeah, yeah.

However, cold fusion

is single-handedly responsible..

For what?

- For...video-game systems.

- What?

Every video-game system,

from the N.E.S.

to the PlayStation,

everyone has cold fusion.

Reverse osmosis, really

is what they use

t-to make the controllers.

See what I'm saying,

you can't have video games

if you don't have controllers.

Yeah, today,

but what about in the future?

Everything out there is all

hands-free now.

You want to do this, you do that

on the screen, you don't even--

Yeah, but reverse osmosis

is the reason

why you're able to sweat,

if you can't sweat,

then how you gonna even

move around?

Yeah, but cold fusion

also powers

air-conditioners which cools you

down, your whole house down.

(Sal)

You guys go to do something

to make him pick one

or else both of you lose.

You're gonna die without

reverse osmosis.

You're gonna walk out of here

and be dead.

Do you want to be dead?

You're gonna die.

You and your family,

your loved ones, dead.

Life is not worth living

without cold fusion.

[instrumental music]

That's why it's called

cold fusion.

You're gonna die

without reverse osmosis.

You're gonna walk out of here

and be dead.

Do you want to be dead?

You're gonna die.

You and your family,

your loved ones, dead.

Life is not worth living

without cold fusion.

Earth would stop spinning

without reverse osmosis.

But if you had to pick one..

Dude, just tell me you wanna

k*ll all your friends.

You wanna k*ll all your family?

Say it, go ahead, go ahead,

just tell me..

Yeah, but in which direction?

- Video games.

- Oh!

Boom!

- k*ll everybody!

- Cold fusion!

Everybody's dead,

playing video games in coffins.

Cold fusion wins every time.

- It was only - , though.

- I was so close.

(male narrator)

It was an ugly win for Q

putting Joe, Sal, and Murr

on the loser board.

Salsa!

- Ballroom!

- Swing!

These are the classes

we'll be teaching

here at Steppin' Out studios.

While leading the class,

we've got to

do and say what we're told.

And if you refuse, you lose.

(male narrator)

It's Sal and Q in the Joker

vs Joker challenge.

You know, your body

moves like jello

good jello with rhythm

but I'm just saying.

I'll do a little salsa,

that's just..

Yeah, we get it,

you're Mexican.

Your grandfather was born

on the Mexican flag.

I'm not Mexican.

- How's everybody doing?

- Introduce yourself, bud.

Well, my name is Sal.

I fell in love with salsa

about years ago.

So, just loosen up real quick.

Sal, say, "I have dead arms."

Really swing loose there, buddy,

with dead arms.

Uh, my stretching technique..

(Murr)

'Faster, buddy.

Just start hitting yourself.'

Gregory Hines taught me this.

Gregory Hines taught me this.

[laughing]

Sal, introduce yourself again.

So, you know, my name is Sal.

I fell in love with dance

about years ago

'and I've been doing it

ever since.'

Partner up.

Gentlemen will lead.

You want to keep your arms

squared off at the top.

Great, great. Very good.

So, guys..

Introduce yourself.

Let me tell you a little

about myself. I'm Sal.

Uh, I fell in love with salsa

about years ago

uh, and I've been l-learning it

ever since.

Very good.

Sal, partner up with

one of the guys.

Why don't we switch up?

Uh, you guys go ahead.

- You, sir.

- You, sir. We'll partner up.

It's okay, 'cause I wanna see

how you lead.

Look him in the eyes

and whisper, "I love you."

[laughing]

I love you.

[laughing]

Sal, slowly lower your hand

down his back.

'Lower.'

That was it! That was it!

Notice how my hand

is nice and high?

[buzzer buzzing]

Oh, I didn't know Q

was teaching disco.

(Sal)

'He's not. He's teaching swing.'

(Joe)

'Oh, look at him.

He's warming up.'

You can't dance.

[laughing]

Hi, hello.

We're gonna do a little

swing dancing today.

- First things first..

- First things first..

...has everyone left their

bull [bleep] at the door?

Has everyone left, huh..

uh... Has everybody left

their bull [bleep] at the door?

- 'Cause we're here to dance.

- Because we're here to dance.

No bull [bleep]

(Sal)

'When's the last time

you cut loose?'

When's the last time

you cut loose?

Tell everyone,

"Hold on, hold on."

- Alright, hold on. Hold on.

- 'Hold on.'

I just cut loose.

[laughing]

That's right,

I just cut loose.

[laughing]

Ladies, pair up, pair up.

- Q, swing dance.

- Right.

It's a little bit,

it's a little bit like..

Right, like that. There we go.

Look at us.

This is a simple maneuver.

Try and do that.

Let's see what you got.

Just do some of that, yeah.

Everybody kick. There you go.

Like that.

- That is not swing dancing.

- They're doing it.

[laughing]

Ow!

Are we having fun or what?

[bell dings]

(male narrator)

There's only so low

Sal would go.

So now he's leading the dance

on the loser board.

We're in Time Square giving away

free tickets to a Broadway show.

- What show, pray tell?

- We don't know what show.

The first time

we see the tickets

is the first time

we're seeing the show title.

If you can't convince someone

to take tickets

to this ridiculous show,

you lose.

[instrumental music]

Do you guys want free

Broadway tickets?

I can't go. I just don't want

them to go to waste.

You want free Broadway tickets?

I can't go to the show tonight.

I'm giving away my tickets.

It's, uh..

[chuckles]

"Nancy Reagan On Ice."

(Murr)

'Hey, what's that show about,

buddy?'

You know,

the former first lady.

It's, it's not even ice capades,

they just bring her out

in a block of ice for a viewing.

Nancy Reagan's alive.

Uh, does it interest you?

Would you like to go see it?

- You're leaving right now?

- Ah!

No problem, guys.

Could you guys use free tickets?

I can't go.

I just want to give them away.

Oh, I'm not selling them

or anything.

It's, uh..

The show is called..

"Cakes On A Train"

have you heard of it?

[laughing]

- What happens in it?

- Oh-ho! Good question.

Samuel L. Jackson's

pissed again.

It's right here.

It's a block away.

Thank you, guys.

I really appreciate it.

[bell dings]

Guys, do you want my tickets?

They're free if you want.

I can't use them for tonight.

Do you want them?

It's, uh, uh..

The show is, um..

uh, "The Whole Theater

Gets Soaked."

[laughing]

It's "Phantom Of The Oprah."

Uh, "A Raisin In The Shade."

It's "Celine Dion's

Least Favorite Hits."

The show is, um,

"Back And To The Left."

Have you heard of it?

It's, uh..

(Joe)

'And what happens in that show?'

He's got nothing.

He's got nothing!

It's, uh..

[instrumental music]

Ah, these tickets.

Excuse me, guys.

Do you want my tickets

for tonight?

The show is, um,

"Back And To The Left."

Have you heard of it?

It's, uh..

(Joe)

'And what happens in that show?'

He's got nothing.

He's got nothing!

It's, uh..

It's an interpretive dance set

to the Kennedy Assassination.

[laughing]

They've got this

great number in it.

- It's, um..

- He's trying sell it.

It's da-da-da-da-da-da, huh!

It's back, to the left.

So, that's a no for the tickets?

Okay.

Took a b*llet on that one,

buddy.

You took a b*llet

on that one, buddy.

There's a second sh**t.

[laughing]

[buzzer buzzing]

Hey, I got two free tickets

I don't need tonight.

You want them, it's two tickets

for, um, uh, it's..

"Mike Tyson Explains Pigeons."

So..

I don't know how much you know

about the pigeon population

here in New York City, uh, but

it's told to you by Mike Tyson.

One lucky audience member

gets punched in the throat

by the heavyweight champ

Mike Tyson.

[laughing]

So, I'm actually the lucky guy

that got punched right

in the Adam's apple.

I'm sorry if I'm talking funny,

he crushed my trachea

when he punched it.

Would you be interested in two

free tickets for tonight's show?

[buzzer buzzing]

Q, how surprised are people

gonna be

when the first words

out of your mouth are,

"Do you want free tickets?"

instead of, "Change?

You got change?"?

I'm giving away tickets

to a show tonight.

You guys want them? I can't go.

I'm just giving them away.

Hey, guys, I'm giving away

tickets to a show tonight.

I don't want them to go

to waste, it's called, uh..

It's called, uh..

..."Laughterbirth."

- What's that about?

- It's, uh, it's about, uh..

A placenta that drops out,

hits the ground,

puts on a bow tie, and starts

telling knock-knock jokes.

[laughing]

It's a comedic afterbirth.

"Laughterbirth."

(Murr)

'Ew, who would want to see

a placenta?'

Do you want them?

- Uh, no. I'm good.

- You don't want them?

He's like, "Is this thing on?"

I just flew in from [bleep]

and, boy, are my arms tired.

(male narrator)

Joe, Murr, and Q couldn't

unload their tickets

so they're taking a seat

on the loser board.

Today, we're personal trainers

at Astoria Sports complex

and we are working

on our fitness.

We'll have to do and say

whatever the other guys tell us.

And if you refuse, you lose.

Hang on to your dumbbells,

gentlemen.

This is Joker vs Joker

challenge.

- 'Whoa!'

- 'Whoa!'

You feeling confident, buddy?

Can you figure out

what that machine is for?

There you go.

(Joe)

'You got it, buddy.

That's how you do it.'

(Murr)

'Is that what it does?'

[laughing]

Hey, man, how you doing?

What's up? What's your name?

- James, what's going on?

- 'That is a big dude.'

How long you been, uh,

coming to this gym?

I mean, look at the two of

them side by side.

This guy must feel like he's

staring into a fun-house mirror.

Hey, Sal, after this,

you're gonna teach

Bobby Fischer how to play chess.

Is that alright?

'Are you ready for that, buddy?'

I got a good workout

for your calves.

Let me grab these ropes.

'Grab those, and grab one

for him, too.'

- Step on the bands.

- Yeah.

(Joe)

'Your feet about

shoulder-length apart.'

Sal, start moving

your whole body.

(Murr)

'Make it as awkward

as physically possible.'

Um..

So, I, so-so, here, you're gonna

bend your knees a little bit.

[laughing]

This is called the Wisconsin

chimichanga.

This is called the Wisconsin

chimichanga.

[laughing]

Do the whole body.

Do the whole body.

[laughing]

How are you, bud?

Power sesh?

Sal, only let him do

one rep each.

- One rep.

- One time, one-timers.

- One rep is enough.

- You ready?

Look in the mirror.

Count it off. One.

Alright.

Now we're gonna do it

at the same exact time.

Ready? One.

[laughing]

And we're gonna go down.

- One.

- One.

Okay.

(Joe)

'Now keep him in your hand

and do one jumping jack.'

Okay, jumping jacks.

Ready?

One. Okay.

(Murr)

That's all Sal can handle.

- Feeling that burn?

- "A little bit."

[bell dings]

Guys, what is this weird place

I've found myself in?

- It's a gym.

- A what?

- Gym.

- Se-end help.

I don't even know

wh-what goes on in here.

(Q)

'You better figure it out

'cause he's coming in.'

What's up, man? How are you?

Good. What's your name?

Billy. Joe.

Good to meet you, bud.

- This guy is ripped.

- Cool.

Uh, so, you come

to this gym a lot or no?

What do you do

to work out your core?

What do you do

to work out your core? Abs?

What do you do to work out

your ponytail, cupcake?

But what.. right.

What do you, uh..

Do it. Do it, do it.

[imitates buzzer]

You know what I'm saying, man?

So.. That's it, it's over.

We're just done here.

[buzzer buzzing]

(male narrator)

Joe's training session

didn't work out

So he's tonight's big loser.

Joe is our loser,

so for his punishment

he'll be giving a seminar

as a relationship expert.

Inside this box are love

questions

submitted by the audience.

All you got to do, buddy,

is answer

each question

with the word yes

and then explain

your way out of it.

Of course, the only thing is

here are the questions

that the audience wrote.

And here are the absolutely

mortifying questions

that we wrote.

Joe has no idea it was switched.

- Just say yes.

- You guys are up to something.

Say yes.

[laughing]

- Hello, everyone.

- Hi.

'Hi. How are you?'

Thank you for coming to, uh..

Understanding The Opposite Sex

'with, uh, me, Joe Gatto.'

I take questions from the people

in the audience

and, uh, help you relate

to things

that you're going through

by sharing experiences

in my life about

understanding the opposite sex.

I'm just gonna get started

and answer some of the questions

that have been submitted, okay?

Ooh, a lot of questions.

'Okay, someone asks'

"As a woman, is it okay

to make the first move?"

These are the normal questions.

Uh, y-yes, of course

it's okay for a woman

to make the first move.

Women are empowered

in this day and age.

'Uh, you should feel

totally comfortable.'

You know, you see something

you like

get out there and say something,

right?

These are good questions, guys.

Good work.

- Here we go.

- And so it begins.

"Has your partner

ever called out

someone else's name

while making love?"

- 'You got to say yes.'

- Uh, yes.

Uh, that has happened.

It's embarrassing, um..

I've found, in my experience

especially when they're with me

it seems that the wrong name

is just, uh

the status quo.

[laughing]

Yeah, um, okay.

"My wife can be so irrational

at times.

Is every woman irrational?"

[laughing]

Let's just soak that in

for a second.

I've never seen him this

nervous up top.

You can tell how nervous

he is, right?

I think I see what's up, uh..

He just realized that

they're all questions.

Yeah, buddy, we wrote them.

Yep, that's what's happenin'.

[laughing]

(Sal)

'He has to say yes.'

[instrumental music]

Okay.

"My wife can be so irrational

at times.

Is every woman irrational?"

[laughing]

(Sal)

'Got to say yes.'

- Yes.

- 'Oh, my god.'

(Q)

'He just told an audience

full of women'

'that they are irrational.'

[laughing]

"My friends think that all men

are horrible dirtbags.

Are you a horrible dirtbag?"

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Of course.

"Have you ever been impotent

for more than a year?"

[laughing]

Yes. Okay.

"Have you ever made love

in a La-Z-Boy chair

next to a cheese fountain with

a WNBA player for charity?"

How'd they find that out?

Uh, "I feel like I'm the only

one who feels this way."

I bet you're not.

"Have you ever been

romantically attracted

to a family member, too?"

[laughing]

Oh, yeah. Yes, yeah.

That's natural.

- "That's natural"?

- No, it's not.

And finally, "There's an

internet rumor going around

that you're dating

a -year-old woman."

[laughing]

Yes.

Yes.

Uh, we talk a lot about,

you know, World w*r II..

[laughing]

...and World w*r I.

There's the love making.

[laughing]

She's got the body

of an -year-old

so that,

she's got that going for her.

[laughing]

So, yeah, that's it.

- Gentlemen, a job well done.

- Finally.

It's safe to say that

we actually got Joe just now.